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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to draw a line between housewife and personal butler?

164 replies

elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:11

Please kick some sense in me, as I am actually contemplating divorce over DH's dirty clothes... Confused. (apologies for a bit of a rant here)

We're a good couple, married for 7 years now, so we've been through the roller-coaster of early marriage and things have now settled. It's possible I'm just being picky here, but seriously, where do you draw the line between housewife and personal butler?!

Here's what I mean: Yesterday, I had to iron three shirts to produce a presentable one. The reason? Simple: I found stains as I ironed the first two. We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't Angry!, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger Hmm.

What happened yesterday was this: I'd put the selected shirts for the week on the ironing board to get them ironed but did not yet get around to doing this (was busy with the kids, was waiting for their bedtime to get to it). They were definitely all clean. However, I got to ironing two of the first three had black stains on them. My guess is that, DH either carried some tools over them (the iron shares the room with his DIY stuff) and didn't notice himself making the smudges or they were caused by the dirty home/DIY clothes we took off and simply threw on top of the shirts. Am I unreasonable to get frustrated over this?!

Of course, I got angry (and I'm not good at holding in emotions). We got into a fight over the shirts, moved on to his dirty clothes thrown on the ironing board, or the bedroom floor, or the top of the boxes in the utility room... Apparently, he expects me to be the 'housewife', which implies I know exactly where everything is and where it goes and I should basically 'take care' of him, as he put it.

I understand there's an unsaid agreement between us - he goes to work and earns money, I stay at home with the children, keeping the house and cooking. Fine, I get that. But is it really that unreasonable to expect a grown man to keep track of his clothes - put the dirty stuff in the laundry bin, clean stuff back in its place? Why is it my job to pick up the stuff after him, having to guess how many times it's been worn and where it needs to go? I married the guy, but I didn't sign up to 'sniffing his socks'!

OP posts:
BsshBossh · 23/08/2012 19:36

DH irons his own shirts as he has his own particular way of doing it, he says. Fine with me. He's very clothes conscious and takes care of his clothes well - never dumps them on the floor, always puts then into laundry basket, takes to and collects from drycleaners. He's good with all housework and cooking actually, despite working long City hours. Thank the Lord.

clippityclop · 23/08/2012 19:37

Not worth getting in a big fight over this, he's just being a bit thick.. He needs to understand that if he wants you to be in charge of the laundry, only stuff put in a specific place eg basket will be dealt with. I'd move the ironing pile to somewhere clean away from his tools too. He's setting the example to your children, so get this nipped in the bud!

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:38

Thank you so much, you lot! I really should get out more and talk to other women, or at least adults for a change!
My list of duties as a SAHM has been getting longer and longer and so far I've coped, but I think I'm getting to a breaking point here. I don't know how our mums/grandmums did 'everything', I really don't. Am I slow?! Or am I just spending too much time doing toddler stuff with the boys?! Or am I really ought to work and earn the money to pay for a nanny and cleaner (that's all my salary would cover I think)?

OP posts:
Margerykemp · 23/08/2012 19:38

What's an iron?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/08/2012 19:40

When I was a sahm I was happy to do the laundry. Which meant washing what was in the laundry basket, drying it and putting it in relevant place. I.e straight in drawers or on one of 2 piles of ironing - my stuff & kids stuff on one chair, dh's stuff on "his" chair. If it was my job to take care of the kids, it was my job to iron their stuff. THEIR stuff. Not his! If I ever have had a spare 20 mins at the end of ironing mine and kids stuff then I have on the odd occasion ironed some t-shirts of his. But once in a blue moon did that happen and dh has always been happy with that as he knew that' my job in staying at home was to take care of the kids. Any extra stuff that he himself got benefit from i.e, less housework for him to do was just a bonus.

A nanny wouldn't be expected to iron her employer's shirts so why should a sahm be expected to iron the dad's shirts????

The fault lies with you in the first place I'm afraid for setting this all up in the first place even before kids came along.

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/08/2012 19:40

My mum was a housewife but she never played with us. She spent all day cleaning/washing/ironing while we amused ourselves. I think that is what has changed - the focus now is on interacting with children, which is far more important.

BsshBossh · 23/08/2012 19:41

But you're a SAHM - your priority in the home is looking after your DC. Anything on top of that is extra but nt essential. You determine what you want to and can do in the hours you are not looking after your DC.

BsshBossh · 23/08/2012 19:41

*not

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:43

I think being disrespected and treated like a slave is definately grounds for divorce. You don't get into a relationship with somebody in order to be their mum. He's a grown up and you should be equals, it's a not a real relationship otherwise.
Your job is to look after the children while he works. You should share housework and childcare when he is at home. Your job is not to look after him, it is to be his partner.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:44

So.... without bringing the relationship to a breaking point, how do I bring the whole shirt-ironing thing back to me doing it out of being 'nice' rather than it being my duty? advice?!

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 19:45

He really wears a shirt more than once?

TheWalkingDead · 23/08/2012 19:45

Y 'D'H is being VU!

I am a SAHM - I have ironed about 15 shirts in the 6 years we've been together. DH is always grateful that I've done them and would never, ever, ever moan.....ever!

I don't pick up DH's dirty clothes, or wash anything especially for him - if it isn't in the washing basket with the rest of the dirty clothes, it doesn't get washed.

I am not a maid or personal butler - DH respects me and takes on board that I'll do my bit towards the upkeep of the house and he has to do his bit, too. Please tell your DH how his attitude makes you feel; it is not acceptable for him to treat you like a domestic servant and undermine the fact that you're not just there to clean, cook and keep house, but are there to raise your son.

BsshBossh · 23/08/2012 19:46

Tell him you haven't always got the time. Tell him the truth that you're finding it all too stressful, that being a SAHM is all about spending time looking after DC and everything on top of that is just a bonus. Be honest with him.

marriedinwhite · 23/08/2012 19:47

DH and I have been married for 21 years and have a traditional life which many on MNet disagree with. We both work full time but he works much much harder and for longer hours than me. He is also the main breadwinner. With help, I run the house. However, everyone in this house is expected to put laundry that requires washing in the laundry basket. It is then washed, dried and ironed (not necessarily by me but certainly not by them). Once dry it goes into the ironing basket where it cannot pick up dirt.

I do not put anyone's clothes away any more (the dc are 17 and 14). Everyone puts their own clothes away when they are clean and delivered to their bedrooms - or not as the case may be.

TBF my DH does expect the house to be reasonable, his laundry to be sorted and a nice dinner every day. OTH - I don't have a problem getting that sorted. He would never ever leave dirty stuff lying around for other people to pick up though although he is one of the world's most undomesticated creatures.

StaceeJaxx · 23/08/2012 19:47

I'm a SAHM (have been for 11 years) and I gradually started to iron DH's work shirts and trousers when I was doing the kids' school uniforms. However it's never expected and if he spoke to me like your DH did to you I'd be telling him to shove is fucking shirts where the sun don't shine. Angry

(Although it's a moot point atm anyway as he's just been made redundant so can do his own ironing now).

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:48

He does wear the same shirt more than once, sometimes (only in colder weather, when he's had a t-shirt underneath). And, trust me, they're clean and fresh. I have a nose of a bloodhound, so if I can't tell whether a shirt's been worn, no one can. What's the point of washing something that's clean?

OP posts:
Pinkforever · 23/08/2012 19:49

yanbu! i am in a similiar position. i have ironed dhs shirts and picked up after him for the last 10 years. after some good advice on here i am starting to grow a backbone. i now tell dh and the kids thst my name is pink not skivvy

JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 19:50

He really is taking the piss and you need to nip this in the blood. You are not his maid ffs.

Krumbum · 23/08/2012 19:51

Don't do it. He can iron his own shirts.

JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 19:51

bud, even, though feel free to shed some of his blood if he carries on being a prick.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:56

You're all right here.
Is it possible to get a grown man to change his ways? What's a good alternative to the bedroom floor for dumping worn-once home clothes he plans on wearing the next evening? (mind you, he's only actually home for a couple of hours wearing the stuff before going to bed, so I believe it's acceptable for him to wear the same stuff the next day, except the socks and underwear of course). I don't think I can get him to put the stuff back on the shelf/drawer, so need some place else....

The scariest thing is, my 3yr old DS1 is starting to dump his clothes on the floor... I figure it's his age, but then if he sees dad do this, he may never stop picking them up.... Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:57

*start :)

OP posts:
TheWalkingDead · 23/08/2012 19:57

I think you'll have to be blunt and tell him how it's going to work:

  1. He sorts out the transport of his dirty clothes to the hamper - that is not your responsibility. If you're happy to wash them etc then the least he can do is make sure they are there to be washed, not moan that you haven't sorted through his dirty detritus to decide what needs washing. He is an adult.

  2. Explain you are ironing his shirts when you have time, not when he demands it. If he wants to have someone to specifically iron his shirts, then contact someone who does this as a paid job.

  3. Tell him that you won't be going back to work just because you won't bend the knee and do all the household tasks that he expects - you are not a maid, cook or cleaner - you are a SAHM raising the DC you have together.

Good luck, OP. For me, if my DH thought that was an acceptable way to speak to and treat me I wouldn't be with him; I'd feel like he had no respect for me and didn't regard me as an equal, which is not a marriage imo.

marriedinwhite · 23/08/2012 19:59

I leave mine on the bedroom chair - to air. It drives DH absolutely nuts. Sometimes I leave stuff there for a week Shock

MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/08/2012 20:03

I would tell him as nicely as possible (given how pissed off you must be!) that your actual job is to raise the children and all the work that that entails. That doing the all housework, laundry and ironing is NOT part of that job. A fair split would be to make sure that you both have the same amount of "time-off" (which includes sleep)

If you went back to work full time, you'll have to consider how much it would cost you both for childcare, a cleaner, gardener, laundry service, ironing service, and how much more money you'll spend on buying ready prepared food. And even after all that, there's still a hell of a lot of work left over, and that would have to be split 50/50, to be fair! So he can either suck it up and be a bit more respectful, and do his own laundry, or he can probably be out of pocket and have a lot more housework/home-running to do.

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