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AIBU?

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Original poster

to want to draw a line between housewife and personal butler?

164 replies

elk4baby · 23/08/2012 19:11

Please kick some sense in me, as I am actually contemplating divorce over DH's dirty clothes... Confused. (apologies for a bit of a rant here)

We're a good couple, married for 7 years now, so we've been through the roller-coaster of early marriage and things have now settled. It's possible I'm just being picky here, but seriously, where do you draw the line between housewife and personal butler?!

Here's what I mean: Yesterday, I had to iron three shirts to produce a presentable one. The reason? Simple: I found stains as I ironed the first two. We've had a number of fights over him not looking over his shirt when he takes it off. He still doesn't Angry!, but at least he's stopped putting them back in the wardrobe. It is now my job to look them over and see whether they go in the wash or back on the hanger Hmm.

What happened yesterday was this: I'd put the selected shirts for the week on the ironing board to get them ironed but did not yet get around to doing this (was busy with the kids, was waiting for their bedtime to get to it). They were definitely all clean. However, I got to ironing two of the first three had black stains on them. My guess is that, DH either carried some tools over them (the iron shares the room with his DIY stuff) and didn't notice himself making the smudges or they were caused by the dirty home/DIY clothes we took off and simply threw on top of the shirts. Am I unreasonable to get frustrated over this?!

Of course, I got angry (and I'm not good at holding in emotions). We got into a fight over the shirts, moved on to his dirty clothes thrown on the ironing board, or the bedroom floor, or the top of the boxes in the utility room... Apparently, he expects me to be the 'housewife', which implies I know exactly where everything is and where it goes and I should basically 'take care' of him, as he put it.

I understand there's an unsaid agreement between us - he goes to work and earns money, I stay at home with the children, keeping the house and cooking. Fine, I get that. But is it really that unreasonable to expect a grown man to keep track of his clothes - put the dirty stuff in the laundry bin, clean stuff back in its place? Why is it my job to pick up the stuff after him, having to guess how many times it's been worn and where it needs to go? I married the guy, but I didn't sign up to 'sniffing his socks'!

OP posts:
oranges · 23/08/2012 20:05

in your case op, with his attitude I would actually go back to work as I simply could not rely financially on someone who had that kind of attitude to me. And then the cost of a cleaner/nursery comes out of both your salaries, not just yours.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/08/2012 20:06

Married: I've had stuff on my chair for months on occasion , don't be ashamed over a week!!!

MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/08/2012 20:06

Oh, and we have a chair in the bedroom for part worn clothes, usually mine. DH gets to wear casual clothes to work, I have smarter office wear so the evening comfies get folded and put on the chair.

Chubfuddler · 23/08/2012 20:09

You don't think you can get him to put his clothes in the cupboard? Why not? Are his arms too short?

He's taking the piss. He knows it too. You just need to call him on it. There's no particular need to be nice about it - he's not being very nice to you.

PurplePidjin · 23/08/2012 20:11

Fair exchange is no robbery so you will launder and iron his clothes in return for his respect. Until he shows you that basic right, he will not benefit from it's privileges.

Don't shout, state and walk away. Any clothes not in either the laundry basket or the wardrobe go into a bin bag hidden somewhere until he realises exactly what he's fucking up here and starts treating you like a human being.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:24

Just for my benefit here...

As a SAHM, do you consider your DH to be the boss because he's earning the money (which I too get to spend)?

(my way of thinking here Blush)

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 23/08/2012 20:26

I'm not a sahm.

You consider your husband your boss? Are you actually serious?

Yama · 23/08/2012 20:28

I don't know if I am misunderstanding your last post. Please, please - you are not saying you think your dh is the boss. Please.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:30

Well, not 'boss' per se... that came out wrong I think.
It's just that I don't actually 'produce' the finances and, effectively, our lifestyle is afforded on his salary. My spending, effectively, is earned by him. I'm not talking unreasonable shopping splurges by any means, but the fact remains - the bank account is topped up by him, not me. I just get the benefits, in return for the housework/cooking/taking care of kids.

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2012 20:31

Look I'm a SAHM and I do all laundry/ironing etc as my DH works very long hours - much longer than me. But I do have a cleaner and I don't actually mind ironing.

And I am laughing at thought of him as my boss.

You're both equals and its up to you both to sort out how your relationship/roles work.

Its often said on here that you should make sure you both get equal 'spare' time and I think that's the way to approach it. So if he gets in at 6pm and sits on his bottom for the rest of the evening whilst you're still doing jobs - then get him to do his ironing then.

But I know in my house - DH very often very late in from work and will work until very late at home. So for us its fair that I do the ironing.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 20:32

Er, no, I do not consider DH to be the boss. That is plain weird. I am a SAHM and consider myself and DH to be the adults in a partnership.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:33

When my mum had to stay at home for a couple of years, my dad used to say that, effectively, he's the one paying her for all the homemaking/childcare :). It was said only part-jokingly Confused, so kind of stuck with me...

OP posts:
littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 20:34

You don't value your work as equal to his, because he earns money and you don't. That is not a healthy way of looking at the role of SAHM.

Chubfuddler · 23/08/2012 20:35

His earning capacity is dependent on your domestic labour - if he didn't have you to look after the children he'd either have to do it himself or pay someone to.

No wonder he treats you like a domestic appliance. You s rurally think he is entitled to.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:36

May be, but how do you look at it? He's working VERY long hours in the office. While I stay at home chasing after two boys (3.5 and 18mths), going for walks with them, playing and singing... all of which I really enjoy. The housework is a chore, sure, but what job doesn't come with routine tasks you don't always like?

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 23/08/2012 20:36

I don't iron anything except the DC's school uniform shirts because they really look awful if I don't. People who iron everything, like bath towels, bed sheets, socks etc are insane.

Tell him if he doesnt want to do it himself, he can donate them to a charity shop. They'll iron them, put them out in the shop and he can buy them back.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2012 20:37

Elk - you need to adjust your mindset. You are in a partnership and your role is facilitating him earning money.

If you don't believe that then I'd get a job personally - you are equals.

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:39

Hmm, I've never looked at it that way, to be honest. I figured, not actual money brought in = not actually working.

(this is some good therapy I'm getting from you lot, THANK YOU!)

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 23/08/2012 20:41

I work virtually full time because amongst other reasons, it's a darned sight bloody easier than being a sahm. And if I were one my husband would not be dropping soiled clothes on the floor for me to do a scratch and sniff on.

IsItMeOr · 23/08/2012 20:41

Elk - your attitude is key to why you're allowing him to treat you like this.

You have had DCs together. You are equally responsible for ensuring that they are cared for and provided for, as well as meeting your own basic needs. You have decided to manage that by one of you going to work outside the home, and one of you staying at home to look after the DCs. He does not "own" you because he is the one who happens to be working outside the home. And it's irrelevant whether either of you enjoy what you do.

Does that help?

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 20:42

Oh my, I don't know where to start now!

I agree your mindset seems a little out of date kilter

Original poster
elk4baby · 23/08/2012 20:43

Yes, that makes perfect sense. Thank you!

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 23/08/2012 20:45

If you weren't at home looking after his kids he wouldn't be able to go out and earn the money.

I really wanted to say FFS. He is not your boss. HE IS YOUR EQUAL.

littlebluechair · 23/08/2012 20:46

If not getting paid means not working, what about people caring for elderly or ill relatives? Are they living the life of riley, cleaning up wee and sorting out meds and doing cooking and bed baths?

There are jobs that need to be done for a family to run. Plus money needs to be earned to pay for things. Both are jobs/work. Only one has a salary.

maras2 · 23/08/2012 20:48

I've loved and cared for my DH for 37 years.However,I've never ironed his shirts.Why would anyone do that?Your DH sounds a right PIA.