AIBU to think it's odd to ask for cash towards honeymoon as a wedding gift?

[Vagabond]

With a registered company who takes the money. I suppose it takes the pressure off but it does feel a bit odd to me. Second marriages - they have all the toasters they need so I guess it makes sense. How much to give?

TalHotBrunette Mon 27-Aug-12 16:08:46
If I was planning a wedding now I'd include a separate request detailing that anyone planning to bitch or moan about the food / dress / gift request or lack thereof /cost / venue /distance etc just shouldn't come. Far more pleasant for a concerned.

Brilliant post!

I also concur 100% with everything StrawberryMojito & Bumblebee have said.

The Trasheap has spoken. SO ner.

And I say to anybody asking me for money towards their honeymoon. pay for it yourself. Greedy entitled person. Sorry this enrages me. How rude rude rude to ask for a specific gift without first being asked what you would like. Can you not understand this. Thank thank goodness I have not known anybody to have done this yet.

I appreciate more and more couples have lived together before getting married so have no need for household items, but it irks me that the people I know who ask for money to pay for a honeymoon choose something they could not usually afford and then seem to expect others to foot the bill...if you can't afford it yourself don't go on a honeymoon or choose something which does fit your budget...

What would you say to someone, Vivienne who included alongside the invitation (among travel/accommodation details etc,) the following; "We hope no one feels obliged to buy us a gift. If you did wish to give us a present, a contribution toward our honeymoon would be gratefully appreciated"

Would you phone up your niece/friend/cousin and say "Pay for it yourself"... She/He would probably reply "Sorry you feel that way, Vivienne, but we are paying for it ourselves. If people wish to buy a gift to mark the occasion, as many have expressed a desire to, then we would be most grateful if they respected our wishes. It would mean we could enrich our honeymoon with the kind of experiences we couldn't otherwise afford. But as we said, we honestly hope no one feels obliged to do so"

It is an option you can give if the person asks. It isn't something you should mention if you are not asked.

I would give them nothing. Since that was given as an option. But really it would sicken me so much I probably wouldn't go. People should wait to be asked what they want and not pre-empt this. I might be old fashioned but I'm not changing now. I most certainly would not give towards a honeymoon if I was asked to do this in an invitation. Thank goodness I never have been yet. I wouldn't ring up and say pay for it yourself but I would think it!!

I might send them a bill for my week in a five star hotel and designer outfit. As it would enhance my experience of their wedding. Oh and chauffeur driven limo as well.

I might be old fashioned

I suspect this whole argument might be quite generational in the main.

That is probaly right ViviPru. But it is a bit of a reflection on younger people if they think it's OK to give a preference before being asked first. I was always told as a child I was not to say what I wanted for Christmas or birthday till I was asked first. (Parents not really included!)

So if someone sent you an invite without a request, would you get them a gift of your choice Vivienne? Or do you just not do gifts for weddings at all?

ViviPru I agree that it is probably generational but so are many weddings. I know my MiL would hate to be asked for cash or vouchers as I know that she hates giving these. Also, being on a low income she would feel embarassed that she couldnt afford to be generous with cash though she could afford to be generous with time spent choosing a gift.

I know that putting a gift list in with the invitation is efficient but is it really such a chore to deal with people contacting you to ask what you would like as a wedding gift?

Of course I do gifts of money and presents. I'd ring up the couple and ask them what they wanted or if they would prefer money. This happened a couple of years ago. I rang up and asked what they wanted a present or moeny. They said either and had some items they would like for me to choose from. I gave money. But that was fine. Because I was the giver and it was my choice. But if they said money that would have been fine too. Because they had waited till they were asked. Am I making sense.

Actually, I think Vivienne's analogy of kids, who know their grandparents are going to buy them a Christmas present announcing what they want without anybody actually asking what they'd like, is particularly apt. It's plain rude.
Much like if you invited someone for coffee who always brings a delicious cake.

You know they'll bring one, as they always do, so you tell them in advance that actually, it would be far more practical if they brought some toilet paper instead, as you've run out and you already have cake.
Would you? Would anybody? Even though it makes a bizarre kind of sense.

Rude and grabby, second marriage, too? I'd decline the invite.

It is very generational, but it genuinely bamboozles me. And as for the Child demanding a Christmas present thing, here is my comparison:

Nephew: Auntie V, get me Lego for Christmas = bad.
Nephew: Auntie V, if you were thinking of getting me a present this year I'd be really greatful for some Lego please = polite and saves me the trauma of getting something for him he doesn't want (because I am one of those wild cards that liked to give presents to people that I think they will like, not what I think they should be greatful for)

That's a fair comment Vm.

But it is a bit of a reflection on younger people... Perhaps, but then would you take this one instance of 'rudeness' from the otherwise thoroughly agreeable younger people inviting you to their wedding to sicken you so much you would consider non-attendance? Especially in light of this thread where it is clear that many view it as a social norm now and you cannot claim never to have heard of such an abhorrent, bizarre practice.

It isn't something you should mention if you are not asked.

I thoroughly appreciate the sentiment behind this. And really, in an ideal world it would work this way. Just like how, in an ideal world, all the guests would contact the couple prior to the wedding to ascertain what it is they would like. But I also rather suspect that the vast majority don't.

Like in the case of chocoluvva's example above. Had she contacted the couple in advance, I very much doubt they would have said "you know what we'd love? A digital photoframe for every room in our house" It is precisely to avoid this kind of situation that it has become the norm for gift preferences to be made explicit from the outset. It's just practical, in my view. And if the odd relative or two finds it unspeakably rude, then that's a calculated risk the couple have chosen to take.

Makes sense Vivienne - what you describe is what we did, although requests in advance don't really bother me either. Maybe that is generational.

I think toddlerwrangler makes a very good differentiation there.

Well, the couple who received three digital photo frames would have been uncomfortable to be rung up and asked what they would like to receive as a gift from (DH and) me. Thinking up non price-specific presents would be a burden for THEM. And they were genuinely pleased to have a digital phot-frame in each of their reception rooms and their dining room. (I believed her).
They could have said they'd like bed-linen eg and still got bed-linen that they didn't like.
Anyway, does no one ever enjoy having a present that's a surprise?

This thread has been very useful. Clearly what couples need to do is sound out in advance the opinions of all their potential guests on the matter of gifts - note with the invitation, wait for guest to call about gifts, cash considered ok, cash considered the equivalent of taking a shit on someone's kitchen floor etc and amend the invitations as needed. Maybe they could include a link to a Googledoc or something with the save the date cards asking guests to specify what they like and find offensive. Just so everyone's happy.

As with all things wedding related it is a minefield.

I am dreading the next few years as we are entering the stage where nephews and nieces will be getting married. I know that if invitations arrive with a little poem about wanting money to pay for the honeymoon then my head will explode but I will have to bite my tongue (which sounds messy).

I think it's a bit tacky to do this. It also puts people who perhaps cannot afford a cash gift in a difficult position.

I was in receipt of such an invite about 3 years ago. The invitation had a nauseating poem in it asking for cash towards their honeymoon as they already had everything they wanted /needed having set up home a few years before. This immediately got my back up as a wedding invitation is just that: an invitation for someone to be your guest. When accompnaied with a request for cash towards their holiday it was just plain rude. You don't even know who's coming and who isn't and yet you're already asking them for exactly what you want. At least wait to be asked.

The problem I had a few years ago was that my salary was a lot lower than it is now and with my student loans, rent, bills, London travel card (£180 a month), food, etc etc etc. I had about £50 a month in cash left. A wedding present can be bought on a credit card. Any less than about £25 for a cash gift would be too low but with so little money left for myself, where would I have got cash from? Overdraft? Cash withdrawal off a card? Why should I for people who have bought a house, and filled it with everything they need.

If you have everything you need don't ask for anything. It's about making a commitment to the person you marry not about a grab bag for presetns or a free honeymoon.

I think it's a generational thing. And I think there's a sort of agreed etiquette among people (under say 35) that weddings are generally big and involve paying at the bar and subsidising the honeymoon. Also attending very lavish stag/hen weekends. And it all works very well while people are youngish and have no children. Really, it's like a lot of mini breaks in nice places.

Then a few of the group get married and have kids and what was once a pleasant break becomes a nightmare of childcare complications, several new outfits and so on.

C'mon, it's a second marriage and they're asking for cash for a honeymoon?

Tacky!

Send them a card with your regards.

Because people really don't deserve well wishing and celebration of a second marriage, do they?