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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's odd to ask for cash towards honeymoon as a wedding gift?

237 replies

Vagabond · 22/08/2012 21:41

With a registered company who takes the money. I suppose it takes the pressure off but it does feel a bit odd to me. Second marriages - they have all the toasters they need so I guess it makes sense. How much to give?

OP posts:
TwelveLeggedWalk · 27/08/2012 10:08

Personally I hate hate hate wasted gifts. I don't like clutter, I'm not sentimental about stuff for stuff's own sake, and I can't bear waste. So the idea of someone spending money and time on a gift I don't like and will either have to hide, feel obliged to put on display in a spare room, or end up sneaking off to the charity shop makes me shudder.

We put a very genuine 'don't feel you have to give us a gift' bit in our wedding info, which given it was slightly tricky to get to I think was taken seriously, but if people did want to contribute they could contribute to our honeymoon.

It doesn't have to be a lot of money - one of the gifts I liked most was a small selection of notes in the currency tucked in a card - not very high value but made it seem real and I got all excited about our trip!

Bumblebee333 · 27/08/2012 10:21

Yeah I agree that is really nice.

BulldogDrummond · 27/08/2012 10:22

My comment about if Bride and Groom can't afford the 'desired' honeymoon they should book something cheaper or nothing at all has brpought some comments.

One thing I think could be done differently is that, at the moment, the dream honeymoon is booked and then cash is asked for. If they must ask for cash, why don't they collect the cash and then book a honeymoon with what they have? What was the old adage? 'Cut your coat according to your cloth' and some of us still do that. Apart from a mortgage, the only time I have owed money was when I bought a typewriter on HP.

clattypatty · 27/08/2012 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 27/08/2012 10:34

You're not getting the guests to do anything.

You are suggesting to them tat if they were intending to spend money on a gift, you would be very appreciative if it could go towards the honeymoon. If they were not intending to spend money on a gift, or if they don't like the idea of giving money, then they are free to do as they wish.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 10:54

Buying a chocolate bar for yourself is not the same as asking someone else to buy you one. Having a honeymoon is lovely - asking other people to fund your honeymoon is another matter. Hoping that guests will give you a present or money is understandable (though not all brides and grooms are bothered)is not the same as asking them to give you a specific thing.

Binkybix · 27/08/2012 11:25

I just know that I would prefer the money that I would spend on a gift or whatever going on something the couple actually want, rather than something they have to pretend to want. I would be spending money on a gift in any case, no matter what type of wedding it was.

I don't place that much importance on stuff, so honeymoon meant more to me personally - and people wanted to give something and would have no matter what we said. So we said that honeymoon contributions would be great if people wanted to get something. I don't see the problem.

I don't get the thing about giving as much as a gift as your meal would cost though - that seems a weird way of doing things. I also think that getting people to pay to stay at the venue at exorbitant prices is outrageous! Never come across that before - do people really do it?!!

Floggingmolly · 27/08/2012 13:03

Yes, Binky, they do, just like they ask other people to pay for their honeymoons. Entitlement apparently knows no bounds.

sweetkitty · 27/08/2012 13:16

We've just donated to an Ikea new kitchen fund as a wedding gift. The couple earn loads and are spending 20K on a wedding surely they can buy a new kitchen.

Personally if I was ever going to have a wedding I think people shelling out or new outfits, travel, accommodation is enough without having to buy a present too.

captainhastings · 27/08/2012 13:28

I have never had a friend ask for cash for a wedding gift , not that I can remember anyway . The last few weddings we have been to have specifically said, no gifts And we respected that . One recent wedding as all bought food which I was more than happy to do. I have also acted as a wedding photographer and have helped make wedding cakes . I have also bought gifts and have been happy to do so even though it was not something I personally would have done.

I don't know about others but my friends are people with their own minds . We often disagree on individual things but we are still friends and I think no less of them.

Binkybix · 27/08/2012 13:54

Molly - do you mean that I'm entitled because I asked? The alternative would have been for people to ask us what we wanted (we didn't have anything on invites) and for us to not tell them on principle. We did say honeymoon contributions welcome, but that anything else people wanted would also be great (in response to being asked).

I just don't get the difference between this and a gift list. Fair enough if one doesn't like gift lists too, but don't understand how one can be acceptable and not the other.

Floggingmolly · 27/08/2012 14:08

Binky yes, I suppose I am biased in that I think wedding lists are indescribably tacky (especially those included with the actual invitation), but I know I'm in the minority on this so I'll butt out!

Viviennemary · 27/08/2012 14:20

I think people should wait to be asked what they would like. That is only good manners. And it's not clever getting round this by a tacky poem or saying a gift is not required (shock] but contrbutions to our luxury round the world cruise would be appreciated. It's dreadful. I have not yet experienced this rudeness. Thank goodness. But I've known others who have.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 14:23

I don't like gift lists either.

Binkybix · 27/08/2012 14:43

Fair enough if you don't like either.

I don't think I have ever received an invite without one so have always thought of them as the norm - we were the minority in not having one with our invite and were immediately besieged with requests asking what we'd like!

Ah well, each to their own I guess :)

MaureenMLove · 27/08/2012 15:00

Wish it had been acceptable when we got married 21 years ago. Our honeymoon was a day trip to France. We had enough money for lunch and 1 crate of beer.

No money left for a coffee on the boat on the way home though! SadGrin

cheesesarnie · 27/08/2012 15:05

we went to a wedding that asked for only cash gifts at the weekend.

dh and i agreed it felt too impersonal to just hand over an envelope with cash (plus dont have much cash to give) so we brought a nice picture frame and put a £20 note in that.

Blondilocks · 27/08/2012 15:25

It doesn't really bother me if they ask for money rather than gifts now that most people have all the "homey" things before they get married but I do prefer it if they give an indication of what it is for and it is really nice if they say thanks we bought xyz with your gift.

I'm getting married next year and unless we can come up with a reasonable wedding list (so far I've come up with a food mixer & a rug which are both too expensive to ask any one person for or things I don't really need) we're probably going to go with the cash for home/garden improvements/honeymoon and then buy specific things and definitely send thank you notes!

We tend to put £50 for close friends.

toddlerwrangler · 27/08/2012 15:44

But, but, but - I just don't get this whole gift business.

Presumably, if you have been invited to a wedding, you are a friend or relative of the bide/groom?

And if you are a friend, (Ok, relative slightly different as you can't pick and choose on that front) why why why why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy would you not want to get them something they wanted? OK, fair enough some people don't like being asked for anything on principle of good manners. I also think this is a bit bonkers and old fashioned as I would NEVER dream of going to a celebration of any kind and not taking a gift.

I admit, we did it. When we got engaged all we got asked is 'when are you getting married and what do you want'. We genuinely, genuinely didn't want or need anything, and it was getting embaressing with people saying 'but we WNT to get something. So we did what another couple had done and finally popped a note in the invitation saying that the only thing we requested was the company of our friends and relatives, but that if people did wish to give us something, money would be a kind gift so we could make our honeymoon extra spacial and unforgettable.

Now, if anyone had a problem with that there isn't a lot I can do about it. All I do know is that we got a couple of gifts that are thankfully small enough to live in my wedding keepsake box. I have memories of an amazing honeymoon that will last me a lifetime, I will never be able to experience anything like it again, and that experience was down to our friends and relatives, and the money they gave. I shall be forever grateful to all of them.

Do poeple really begrudge that?

applecrumple · 27/08/2012 15:56

YABU, we asked for cash or vouchers for our wedding - the cash went towards our honeymoon & the vouchers went towards stuff for th house. Don see how it's rude, far better hat people know their gift is going towards something we both want/need rather than a random gif that'll end up n a charity shop

elinorbellowed · 27/08/2012 16:00

I think any of the following are fine: gift lists, donation to honeymoon, cash for new kitchen, toasters, nothing. Whatever, as long as they send you a thank-you note. (still bitter about giving my sister £100 for her big day and not even getting a verbal thanks Grin)

What I think is tacky and greedy and grasping is sending your gift demands with the invitation. Because what you are saying is that you EXPECT a gift and that it is as important as the actual day when you are marrying the love of your life. Etiquette is surely that, upon receipt of the invitation,the guest calls to confirm and asks for the gift list.

The most lovely of people can get very greedy. My BF is getting married and as she declared that all she wanted was a party with everyone she loved and bemoaning that they were going to have trouble affording it I suggested saying no gifts but bring a bottle of fizz (an idea I got from here) Oh no, she wants the gifts......

It's all a bit daft to me. Every time we consider getting married, we remind ourself that we need to finish the house and that we haven't had a foreign holiday in 6 years so if we had the money for a wedding it would go on those things. But maybe we should get married on the cheap and ask for cash for those things......

TalHotBrunette · 27/08/2012 16:08

If I was planning a wedding now I'd include a separate request detailing that anyone planning to bitch or moan about the food / dress / gift request or lack thereof /cost / venue /distance etc just shouldn't come. Far more pleasant for a concerned.

It's somebody's wedding day. Not yours. If they deal with things differently, that's up to them. If you are going to spend the day denigrating their choices and fuming about the cost rather than celebrating and feeling happy for them then don't go.

captainhastings · 27/08/2012 16:21

You can think "I would not do that " without bitching, moaning or wishing someone ill.

Life would be do full if we all had the same opinions .

Viviennemary · 27/08/2012 17:17

In the same way you wouldn't expect an older child or teenager to say I want this or this and this for Christmas or my birthday without being asked first. To friends or grandparents. Why is it different with weddings. Sorry but I can't see how anybody can think it is OK to say what they want as a gift without being asked first.

shushpenfold · 27/08/2012 17:19

Have been to three weddings in the last 2 months....all of them wanted money...none specified the honeymoon, but frankly if you're going to the wedding, you should buy/give what they want!