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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it's odd to ask for cash towards honeymoon as a wedding gift?

237 replies

Vagabond · 22/08/2012 21:41

With a registered company who takes the money. I suppose it takes the pressure off but it does feel a bit odd to me. Second marriages - they have all the toasters they need so I guess it makes sense. How much to give?

OP posts:

CanoeSlalom · 26/08/2012 19:53

I don't like the asking for money thing at all. But an extra part of the problem is if couples only make the one suggestion of money. Much nicer to give a choice of alternatives so guests don't feel railroaded into one thing.

nkf · 26/08/2012 19:54

There's no harm but it's not the same thing as a gift. Essentially, what the bride and groom are doing are asking their guests to subsidise their honeymoon. And there's something a bit weird about that. And people know how much you spent which certainly makes me feel uncomfortable. And nobody would tell you that they weren't fine with it. Nobody is ever going to criticise wedding plans to the bride and groom. Quite right too. But it's clear to me that many weddings have arrangements that don't make people feel particularly comfortable.

Floggingmolly · 26/08/2012 19:55

Shame on you Bumblebee! "We asked for money with a little card in the invitation"
Two of my personal bugbears in one!
I would take great delight in sellotaping a pound coin inside a card, expressing my regrets at being unable to attend. (mind you, his hasn't yet been out to the test, as all our friends appear to have more class).

StrawberryMojito · 26/08/2012 20:13

I'm presuming here that people go to weddings of those that they love or at least care about. They therefore want to get them a gift of some sort. Like I said, some of our guests who chose not to donate to the honeymoon, spent time shopping for and choosing us gifts. We really appreciated the gesture, genuinely. That said, we now own 12 champagne glasses...we don't drink champagne. Their time and money has been spent on something that will sit in a cupboard. And I will repeat, I AM grateful and DO appreciate them, but that is why, when I go to weddings, I like a bit of guidance.

Trills · 26/08/2012 20:14

YABU to think it's odd or rude.

YA also BU to think of it as payment for your meal.

It's just a suggestion, the same way a wedding list is just a suggestion.

If you were thinking of getting us a gift, here's a suggestion as to how that will make us the most happy.

Don't you want to give a gift that your friends will appreciate?

Trills · 26/08/2012 20:15

(I'm sure they'd appreciate any gift that was given with love, but why not take the hint and get them something that will make them happy in its own right?)

giveitago · 26/08/2012 20:41

"people can't afford their chosen honeymoon themselves, they should choose either something cheaper or go nowhere at all. "

'People' are surely your friends or family - is that how you think of them?

giveitago · 26/08/2012 20:44

There's no harm but it's not the same thing as a gift. Essentially, what the bride and groom are doing are asking their guests to subsidise their honeymoon -

no shit sherlock - that's what many marriages in so many countries are about (not so much the honeymoon but the actual marriage- and they are great and fun weddings). What's the issue exactly?

CanoeSlalom · 26/08/2012 20:47

Agree it's not the same as a gift.

In fact why don't people just cancel all gifts and cards for birthdays, Christmas, weddings. Just send people a cheque instead. But wait - they'll send you one for a similar amount for your Christmas/birthday/wedding present. It'll cancel itself out - so why not just agree that no-one will ever give anyone anything?

(TIC)

giveitago · 26/08/2012 20:51

But gifts routinely end up on ebay.

Look - it's horses for courses - a couple who are older and have all their household stuff can still get gifts surely. Why not cash? You telling me you going to a boring little bash and expected to hand over cash to your cousin or best friend? Goodness. If it's a boring little bash to celebrate a WEDDING- then just don't go. The people are not important to you.

Babyrabbits · 26/08/2012 21:02

We did no gifts, really we had everything. We didn't jave a honeymoon.

eurochick · 26/08/2012 21:07

As most people live together and have all the household stuff they need, they holiday of a lifetime for a gift seems great to me. It'll give the couples memories that will last all their married lives (hopefully).

GnomeDePlume · 26/08/2012 21:43

It's all part of the inflation that is weddings.

Only a few decades a wedding was a fairly modest affair. Evening receptions after the main reception werent standard. There would be a few photographs. Gifts were aimed at getting the couple started in their married life. The most extravagent gift would be a dinner service which would be kept for best.

Now weddings are extravagent 'events'. Evening receptions seem to be almost compulsory. Photographs take on the ridiculous proportions of a carribean model shoot.

The gifts have now followed suit. Now some people are expecting to be able to fund a 'holiday of a lifetime' from gifts. Why is that suddenly acceptable?

exoticfruits · 26/08/2012 21:47

If they don't want gifts and they will end up on EBay, it is very simple - ask people not to bring gifts. It seems very rude to say 'we have everything we need - give us the cash!'

Viviennemary · 26/08/2012 21:53

If people have two houses and everything they need the best thing would be to ask for money to charity if the giver wished. Certainly not money towards their dream trip. How greedy, selfish and entitled.

GlassofRose · 26/08/2012 22:23

Gnome - So true. It really isn't acceptable in my opinion.

It's all expensive rooms for guests to subsidise "dream location". Pay bars (something I recently discovered to my disgust) to subsidise the fact that people can't afford to pay for the party they've invited their guests to (yes that's my opinion). Cheeky gift lists with crap on it like computer games from couples who have everything or requests to contribute to their holiday. Self entitled describes is perfectly.

StrawberryMojito · 27/08/2012 06:21

Yet I've been to these celebrations held by people I love. I had a great day, was happy to buy a drink at the bar after we had drunk the welcome drink, drinks with the meal, toasts etc, I was also happy to get them a gift and happy that they guided me towards something that they really wanted.

The previous two posters sound so miserly. All of this 'self entitled' outrage. No matter what the set up is of weddings you go to, surely when it comes down to it, they are the weddings of those you love, you want to get them a gift and want it to be something that they want. If they want a holiday, what is so terribly wrong with that.

I went to a wedding a couple of years ago of a couple who had been together for years but had delayed marriage because they had a couple of children first. They threw a great party, everyone really enjoyed themselves but they asked for cash as a gift because they wanted a new kitchen for their house. I can imagine the horror on this website but all of their guests thought it was a great idea and were more than happy to contribute.

Leena49 · 27/08/2012 07:02

We did it. We put up a list of activities we wanted to do on honeymoon and people bought them for us. Well gave us cash so we could do them. A little like you do for a wedding list.

Bumblebee333 · 27/08/2012 09:16

Or clearly my friends like me a lot more than you seem to like your friends. Anyway if a pound was what someone wanted to give to contribute then that's fine it would almost pay for a bag of sweets for the plane. IT's not like I sent a card out saying 'please give me £50 for my honeymoon'.

I hate the idea that some of you object to the day being made about the bride and groom. It is their day and to be fair after paying for food and drinks and gifts and favours, it's not like anybody makes a profit from asking for money for honeymoon.

Again, it's the jumping through hoops to please the guests. If your family and friends want to share the day with you they will be there, whether they have to travel, spend money or whatever.

Luckily for me I had some very generous guests and had a fantastic time on my honeymoon and i will never forget that it was made possible by the wonderful people around me. I am sure over the next 50 years I will give a lot more than i have received and will be happy to go along with what the bride and groom ask for as I see no point in buying them something they don't want.

chocoluvva · 27/08/2012 09:32

"jumping through hoops to please guests"
Taking time over the wording of your invitation to give guests - who presumably you, the bride and groom care about - is hardly going to much effort surely.
Ususally the guests go to a lot of effort to attend the wedding anyway.

Nigglenaggle · 27/08/2012 09:40

We bought one of our friends a new kitchen floor for her wedding, all the guests as a group (ie we gave them the cash). But it was what she needed. Was a civil ceremony close to home so no need to pay for a hotel room. We had sandwiches at her mums for the reception. It was lovely. Recently another friend had a slap up do in a posh hotel and as they already have a lovely home we gave money towards their honeymoon. They had a wedding website where you could vote for songs to be played at the reception and for the stooges who didnt want to make them happy, a link to a charity website so they could buy stuff for a stranger instead. We spent alot of money on hotel room, outfits, gift etc They spent months and months planning the day. It was lovely. As both these people are friends, I was delighted to be invited, and didnt waste the time I could have spent enjoying the day on worrying about their social etiquette. Occasionally if I have been invited to the wedding of an aquaintance, I have politely declined rather than make the effort to travel/spend the money on hotel rooms, but have contributed to a gift anyway because Im not a whinging tight arse who only thinks of herself.

Bumblebee333 · 27/08/2012 09:41

There are people on here who think that the bride and groom should always just want a low key event. If they ask for a gift they are wrong, if they ask for money they are wrong, if they don't have a free bar they are wrong, if they don't invite people that they hardly know but happen to be going out with their second cousin they are wrong, if they have a nice location they are being me me me.

Luckily i don't have friends like that. I wouldn't be friends with someone like that. I bet these people would be jealous and envious that their friend won the lottery rather than being happy for them. what a bunch of shit 'friends' shame on all of you.

As for the inivitations I handmade all my invitations for my wedding it took me about three weeks in between life. I spent a lot of time putting it together actually.

Nigglenaggle · 27/08/2012 09:41

And chocoluvva - if the guests are representative of some of the people on this thread, yes pleasing them will take some effort!!! Pffft should all be ashamed of yourselves crass and ruders!

Bumblebee333 · 27/08/2012 09:48

These people would then probably be offended if a lottery win wasn't donated in full to charity because people don't need to replace items,cars or houses that are in perfectly good working order - that's just selfish, right?

Nigglenaggle · 27/08/2012 10:07

Absolutely, and where do you stop? I bought a chocolate bar yesterday. I could have given that money to charity/DC/a random whinger and didnt. Is that selfish???

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