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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's odd to ask for cash towards honeymoon as a wedding gift?

237 replies

Vagabond · 22/08/2012 21:41

With a registered company who takes the money. I suppose it takes the pressure off but it does feel a bit odd to me. Second marriages - they have all the toasters they need so I guess it makes sense. How much to give?

OP posts:
giveitago · 26/08/2012 13:39

I'd be pleased if the couple told me what they wanted so I could contribute to it. Better than buying a gift that ends up on ebay (look at the other post re gifts being sold on ebay the very next week).

I don't see why you have to buy something for the house or nothing? I've given money on lots of ocassions and it's been well received by the couple but then again many of the weddings I've been to have been with a tradition of giving cash. I don't think it's tacky, personally. I think it's useful particularly as I'm crappo at buying nice gifts.

Cosydressinggown · 26/08/2012 13:41

I really dislike people asking for cash - think it's crass and rude. If you can't afford a honeymoon then save up until you can, or go to a local place, like we did, and stay in a B&B.

I never, ever give money, even when asked, and just buy the couple a gift instead. (I don't buy from gift lists either).

YANBU

chocoluvva · 26/08/2012 13:44

Completely agree with Cosy.
The couple might as well say, "We expect and hope that you'll give us a wedding present. As we are comfortably off and greedy give us cash so we can have a holiday".
Awful!
It might be practical, but it's not very nice.

GnomeDePlume · 26/08/2012 14:05

I agree, ceres, that the etiquette works both ways however I do think there are problems when the bride and groom start acting like the guests are an imposition and should be grateful to be invited to participate.

If it is culturally normal for gifts to be cash then I have no problem. What I dont like is the assumption that the guests are so lacking in taste that they cant be trusted to buy a gift.

ceres · 26/08/2012 14:19

Gnome - i agree, but if the couple's behaviour made me feel like that then i would decline the invitation.

that's the bit i don't understand. why go to an event if you don't like the people concerned? and if you DO like them then surely you can overlook their behaviour around the gift issue and give what they have asked for.

i would never, ever mention gifts of any description in an invitation. but i am friends with some people who have no qualms about this. i have even been the recipient of a dreadful verse asking for cash (i think i came out in a rash when i got that!) but as i like and care about the people involved, and i know they aren't generally rude, i accepted and went along and enjoyed the day.

giveitago · 26/08/2012 14:41

Cosy et al - I expect you are great gift buyers?

Generally I get invites from friends and family so I go with the flow. I couldn't image I'd decline an invite as I thought the couple being crass. I don't have crass friends. I love em all and would go along with their big day if I could regardless if it's a list, money or (bought by me) crappo gift.

Are these friends if you find their present wish list so crass?

I went to a european wedding about 9 years ago where the bride (well heeled) asked that IF we wanted to get a gift to give money towards a honeymoon. Suited me fine.

I'm going to a housewarming in a few weeks No idea what the parents want so will give their child a lovely gift to enjoy in his new room (rather than naff plant for the parents).

Variety is good, no?

What is this poem stuff? Sounds mad and apologetic to me.

This is the earrings on young female kids threads on MN.

chocoluvva · 26/08/2012 14:56

I've never been asked for money as a wedding gift.

giveitago · 26/08/2012 15:36

Choca - are you very young hence haven't been invited to the broad plathora of wedding styles our fair country has?

This stuff about not giving money is to me the same thing about kids and earrings - it's the same adjectives etc.

captainhastings · 26/08/2012 16:25

I don't really like gift lists either. When getting married you feel on top of the world , you have been lucky enough to meet the person of your dreams . Is that not great enough, why do you need a new toaster as well?

chocoluvva · 26/08/2012 16:32

I'm in my forties :o
Last wedding I was at was two years ago. Second time for the bride and the groom. No mention of cash for a honeymoon. We (DH and I) gave them a digital photo-frame. As did two other couples. The bride said it was lovely to have one in different rooms of the house and they were looking forward to uploading loads and loads of photos.
Kids and earrings? (DD had her ears pierced when she was ten. Is that relevant?)

nkf · 26/08/2012 16:39

It's awful. Just awful but totally and utterly the norm. Along with paying bars and guests staying in expensive rooms which subsidies their wedding venue. But, there's nothing to be done. It's here to stay.

DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 16:48

Most people asked us about a wedding list. We wanted a bed and put that plus a few housey bits on (new service, cutlery). Most people were grateful of the list, some got us bottles of champagne, some got us a gift of their choosing. It was all lovely and I'm happy in our super king Smile

If people want a honeymoon I would happily contribute as I hate shopping. What I do mind is it being the ONLY acceptable option to bride/groomzilla and then having a cash bar at an expensive venue!!

SoleSource · 26/08/2012 16:58

I think this kind of tequest is much more common these days. A tenner is enough.

CanoeSlalom · 26/08/2012 17:02

YANBU. It's rude to request money. If people "have everything they need" then why not ask for donations to a favourite charity, or accept surprise gifts gracefully? Obviously everyone will know they already have a toaster. Gifts are surely more likely to be things like a book they will love, a tree or plant, concert tickets and the like.

Viperidae · 26/08/2012 17:11

I think it is a sensible reaction to the fact that times have changed so many wedding presents, in years gone by, were essential for the couple to set up home together where now they would be unneeded or unwanted.

The wedding we are going to has a note on saying "We have been lucky enough to set up our perfect home already and are grateful to the family and friends who have helped us do this. There is no requirement to give a gift but should you wish to contribute to our start in married life X travel agent has set up an account".

I thought the whole point of giving a gift was to try to give the recipient something you think they would appreciate rather than imposing something you want to give. I don't see the problem with this other than I still have no idea how much is reasonable to give!

Levantine · 26/08/2012 17:21

I hate the idea that you should somehow match what the couple have spent on your meal at their wedding. Why would you give people who have chosen to have a flash wedding more than those who had a small one? Makes no sense to me.

I don't really like giving cash but I normally give between £30 and £50

Was particularly pissed off by the friends who did this first who asked for contributions to buy a beautiful rug and never bothered to buy the thing. I know it doesn't really matter but it irritated me a little

nkf · 26/08/2012 17:26

In the past, I have given as much as £100 but recently I gave £25. These were donations to honeymoons. I am on a tight budget and, although I felt stingy, I couldn't afford more. The thing is if I had given a present, I think I could have found something really nice for less. I had a good idea what to buy but then the invite came in and it was clear they wanted money.

Bumblebee333 · 26/08/2012 18:15

We asked for money with a little card in the invitation. My friends and family were happy to give us money for our honeymoon. Some people bought us gifts aswell or instead of which was really nice too. Some people didn't but we were just happy they attended.

BulldogDrummond · 26/08/2012 18:19

If people can't afford their chosen honeymoon themselves, they should choose either something cheaper or go nowhere at all.

DoMeDon · 26/08/2012 18:22

Why? I don't see why anyone would want their FRIENDS to go cheaper/no honey moon. Do you people LIKE your friends? "ooh it's the principle, asking for money, vulgar" hoiks judgy pants up crack! Just give them the money you would've spent.

GnomeDePlume · 26/08/2012 18:28

ceres, for many reasons but one was the ghastly money begging rhyme we did decline the last invitation we received. I hate wedding invitations where I know we are only invited to have the whole set there (eg all the cousins/grandchildren/whatever).

The asking for money does seem to be a recent phenomenon. I think it can make things difficult for people on a tight budget who would perhaps have been happy to give a well chosen small gift but then feel obliged to give cash that they can ill afford. I dont think that there is anything wrong with accepting money if it is offered, it is the asking for it upfront which somehow feels wrong.

Not pushing the whole gift thing is in my opinion the politest way to go. Only offer a list if asked for and make sure that list has lots of different options to cover different budgets and access to shops (eg some people hate giving vouchers/money, guests with a long journey by public transport may not want to have to carry a bulky parcel)

It's all part of having consideration for guests and goes along with not choosing a venue that is expensive, difficult to get to or find. A wedding should be a celebration not a test of friendship or endurance.

Bumblebee333 · 26/08/2012 18:37

Oh god! I'm surprised half on the people on here attend any weddings at all considering how much jumping through hoops the couple have to do in order to not offend in any way. If you were really friends them asking for money for them to do something they want to do wouldn't be an issue. If you would rather not attend a wedding because the couple had asked for contributions towards honeymoon instead of a gift then you need to get over yourself because YABU.

nkf · 26/08/2012 19:10

..."to do something they want to do."
That's the problem. It's want want want. My wedding. My day. I'm a Princess. I want a holiday in Bermuda. I want....
That's why gift lists are so gruesome. A couple of people who often have plenty writing down a list of what they want. Ghastly.
If we were talking about a young couple setting out in life, it would be fun to buy them tea towels and duvet covers and gardening tools. But people who have shelves full of perfectly useful stuff suddenly deciding that they must have Royal Doulton.
The idea that people plan these massive weddings with guests in mind. Miles away? Expensive accomodation? Pricey drinks? Crap food? All so the bride can pretend she lives in Downton Abbey.
Oh well, someone has to keep the economy ticking over I suppose.

Levantine · 26/08/2012 19:31

£100 is a fuckload of money it really is. I don't spend that on my DCs main christmas present (yet, they are both still quite small).

nkf, it's a shame that you weren't able to give them the present you had thought of, really it is

StrawberryMojito · 26/08/2012 19:50

We got married a few weeks ago and we said if people wanted to get us a gift then we would appreciate a donation to our honeymoon account. The majority of people were happy to donate, a few people got us alternatives which was fine and also appreciated.

We went for this option because we'd been to a couple of other weddings recently where they had done the same thing...not only were we not offended, we also thought what a good idea. Of course I'm going to buy a gift if I go to someone's wedding, and I want to get them something that they will appreciate. If that is a contribution to a fab holiday then so be it. If it saves me having to trapse round shops looking at fancy wine glasses, even better. I really don't see the harm.