AIBU to think it's odd to ask for cash towards honeymoon as a wedding gift?

[Vagabond]

With a registered company who takes the money. I suppose it takes the pressure off but it does feel a bit odd to me. Second marriages - they have all the toasters they need so I guess it makes sense. How much to give?

The last 2 weddings I've been to, one had a list and the other asked for cash. I preferred the cash one as there was a box for the gifts so it was anonymous unles you put it in with the card. The list one, I made the mistake of leaving it a few days before checking it online - the only thing I could afford was a set of teaspoons

We didn't want anything when we got married we didn't spend much on the wedding really and were just happy to have our loved ones there to celebrate. A lot of people said they didn't 'feel right' not giving us anything so in the end we put an envelope behind the bar for people to put money into if they wanted to, anonomously, so we didn't know what we got from who, and who put money in and who didn't, it worked for us, no pressure on the guests either.

You might think it rude, or ungrateful or whatever but it's not at all odd. I have been to countless weddings over the last few years (let's jut guess at 20 for arguments sake). Only 2 of these weddings have had gift lists, the rest all asked for cash or holiday vouchers. None have asked for nothing on the basis that would be daft - everyone attending a wedding wants to buy a gift, and who wants to buy an unwanted gift?

YABU, as others have said it's pretty standard these days for couples to already have set up home by the time they get married and not need a traditional wedding list. I've been to weddings where couples have variously asked for cash or vouchers towards doing DIY projects on their house and I've never been offended, I want my family/friends to have something that makes them happy and I would hope they would want the same for me. I don't know why people get so wound up about it, it's not compulsory to give a gift or attend the wedding at all so feel free to decline either or both if the couple have offended you in some way.

I know a lot of people think it's strange/grabby/rude/whatever but I have no problem with either requests for money or gift lists being included in the invitation.

It is traditional to buy a gift for a couple getting married and frankly I'd far rather give them what they want than either a) have to cudgel my brain to think what they might like or b) give them something which I think is oh-so-terribly-tasteful which they have no need of (or desire for).

Haivng said that, I did raise an eyebrow at the most recent request which detailed a Piece Of Art which we are asked to contribute towards. But, even though I think it's hideous, they clearly love it so a contribution to it is what they will get.

It's not odd or rude-would you rather give some crap gift that will be shoved in a cupboard then thrown away-ie waste of money, or contribute to a honeymoon which they will truly appreciate???

Bang out of order.

It has not been my experience that people insist on buying me presents that I do not want. When I married my second husband who was not materialistic and grasping we asked for no presents . We didn't get any. The same for birthdays and Christmas, if I say I don't want something people respect that .

Maybe they just don't like me

No worse than a gift list.
Come to my wedding, we would like x y or z
I think vouchers/money wells are much better for people who have already set up home. It would be daft to buy things they don't need for the sake of having a physical gift to give.
I never liking the wording of requests but I still give money/vouchers/contributions as that is what I would do anyway.

It's just not cool.

I prefer giving cash/gift cards anyway, so it's cool to me. I don't stress about the amount, I just give what I can afford.
I don't get why people say 'give them a bottle of champagne' instead. A totally useless gift and therefore a waste of money IMO.
Having said that, I do think people have to be very careful about how they ask for money to avoid appearing grabby.

LottoQueen Sat 25-Aug-12 22:42:07
If they wanted to, guests could X Y Z... Guests needed to know what to do.

Quite. As long as there are no presumptions or naff poems, the best weddings are those where expectations are managed on all sides, with every aspect, including gift preferences. I simply don't get the stance that "Preferring monetary contributions is acceptable, but you mustn't make mention of it in the invitation".

It's quite the norm. It's conventional to mention gift etiquette in an invitation. Every wedding invitation I have ever received across the social strata has given an indication of gift preferences along with travel information, hotel suggestions etc. Only it seems, do a few people on MN find it 'unspeakably rude'

I dont mind the poems at least you know what to get.If they dont write anything I ask around and say what do you think they would lile? Then the usual answer is just stick 20 quid in a card for them.Its easier really.

That's why I love Greek-Cypriot weddings. Bride & groom dance guest pin money & job done. You can pin £5 or £5000 its up to you. I don't view it as tacky probably because it's my culture & been going on for centuries.

The last few of our friends weddings have each cost us hundreds of pounds. Extravagant hen / stag do's, travel to the venue, hotels, outfits. Then we have to contribute cash too.

We've not had a family holiday in five years

It does grate slightly

I found it really awkward to ask even that's what me n dh wanted as we'd been living together for a while. So we didn't ask. Didn't do a gift list so guests could decide what they wanted to do. So we got some nice sentimental gifts some traditional and some money

Why do some people go to these weddings that they can't afford and seem to resent? If you don't want to buy them the gift they want just decline the invitation, and it's one fewer set of dinners the couple have to pay for.

If they wanted to, guests could give us gift vouchers. We got some vouchers, the odd present and plenty champagne. Guests needed to know what to do

this people need/ like to know what to give most people won't go to a wedding without giving a present and it will send them into a spin if there is no gift list or suggestions, I had this in june they didn't want anything. so i got them a little thing from a personalised website and vouchers, WE need instructions or our heads explode

Its tacky and rude, if people want a honeymoon then do what the majority of people do and save for it. Its not down to guests to fund a holiday.

If asking for cash or vouchers, be more honest and just charge an entry fee to the wedding.

I think if DP and I were ever to marry, I'd have a small wedding list (it'd be a small wedding - I can't stand the thought of those big fluffy meringue affairs), and the list would be just those things we'd actually need at the time. We've been together 26 years already and have pretty much everything we need.

The list would probably comprise of:

Dinner set, to replace mismatch crockery for 8 place settings.

... And that's it

I wouldn't ask for cash. If people want to give that would be up to them.

Hmmm I know some people dont like it but Ive never considered it THAT offensive before this thread. Were I getting married, people would of course be completely fine to not give a gift, but I'd rather anyone of the treasured 'friends' and family that thought I was 'rude and crass' kept their whinging mardy faces at home instead of wasting their time and money celebrating one of the most important days of my life.

it amuses me when people object to being asked for money but don't mind gift lists. what's the difference?

as far as i'm concerned gifts - monetary or otherwise - shouldn't be mentioned at all in the invitation. i don't agree that asking for 'no gifts' or 'charity donations' is more acceptable.

i think it expremely rude to accept an invitation to a party and not bring a gift.

i always give cash as a wedding present. it covers all bases - they can use it towards the honeymoon/to buy things they need and like/give it to charity if they choose.

understandably some people can't afford to give money and a present chosen with thought or homemade is always lovely.

if you don't like someone enough to give them a present then really you shouldn't accept an invitation to their wedding/birthday party/barbecue/whatever.

I dont like it but more than anything I dont like gift lists or nasty little begging poems turning up in with the invitation.

It all seems to be part of an attitude that forgets that guests are just that, not extras in a theme park wedding.

There shouldnt be a ticket price to a wedding. If the wedding costs more than the bride and groom can really afford then that is their fault. In no way should they expect their guests to fund their choices.

There isnt an entitlement to a gift or a honeymoon. If people want to give a gift then they will ask the bride and groom what they want. If this is all too much of a hassle for the bride and groom then they have asked too many people.

There, rant over, I feel better now!

etiquette works both ways though.

as a host good manners dictate that you don't mention presents.

as a guest good manners dictate that you give a present - be it wine, chocolates, flowers, cash or a toaster.