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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

273 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 17:15

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 23/08/2012 10:19

and my DBIL had a girlfriend for 2 years before it finally ended because she wouldn't even consider having sex (we think there was some sort of childhood trauma). He was 25 at the time and she was 21

numbertaker · 23/08/2012 10:23

Do as you choose, but be warned; the truth will always out.

Mia4 · 23/08/2012 10:29

I'm not sure what you should do to be honest OP, I don't know your partner enough to judge. From what I can see one of two things could happen if you told him.

  1. He is a bit annoyed and confused why you lied but shakes it off and doesn't care.

  2. It bothers him more because if you can lie over something so small and inconsequential, and maintain the lie, then he wonders what else could you lie about.

Or you could not tell him, which isn't really fair on either of you and not the best way to go about. Or if you really didn't want to tell them you could justify it to yourself in the same way my best friend justifies her lie- that since it's not important, she keeps it a secret and the guilt and embarrassment she feels when it comes up is what she deserves. She just talks to me about it because I'm the only other one who knows the truth, incidentally, I have to maintain the lie which is kind of my punishment too.

OhDearNigel · 23/08/2012 11:08

Do as you choose, but be warned; the truth will always out.

I just don't get this. How often are you all discussing your previous sexual history with your partners ? I had the conversation once and that was it. We've never mentioned it since. It's not as if the OP has got a secret love child stashed away somewhere, is it ?

blisterpack · 23/08/2012 11:24

Depending on your background it may not be a huge thing that you've lied about, but I think it's one of those things you should have come clean on very quickly afterwards. Your post reads like you are carrying around the guilt of this lie very heavily.

It looks like it's a big deal to your fiance if he keeps mentioning the "choosing him" bit, it sounds really cringeworthy. DH has been my first and only, but that is normal and kind of expected in our background so it's never something that has come up in conversation or we've talked about. I have no idea if he's been with anyone either. I would find it really off-putting if he kept bringing up that I saved myself for him. If it was me I'd just tell him the truth, if only to bloody shut him up. Grin

squoosh · 23/08/2012 11:26

The truth doesn't always out, it's just something people say.

I wouldn't tell at this stage, it will achieve nothing.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 11:27

I hate virginity being put on some kind of pedestal. I also hate the 'I took your virginity' being put on a pedestal.

Abody · 23/08/2012 12:29

Ohdearnigel of course it could come out. If he's so chuffed about being her first is it not possible he might at some point mention it, possibly after a few drinks, around someone who knows it isn't true (and might just laugh in his face). Does the OP not have any family or friends who know she's slept with other people?

Abody · 23/08/2012 12:34

And squoosh, I think that's a bit harsh, nobody's mentioned 'taking her virginity', he might just be flattered that she never felt comfortable enough to have sex with anyone else but did feel comfortable enough with him. I think that's quite nice really, it's not the same as 'wahey I de-flowered the virgin'

squoosh · 23/08/2012 12:40

I don't think it's harsh. She says 'He thinks its special that I "chose" him and every time he makes a comment like that I cringe.'

I didn't mean 'taking virginity' in a 'wahey' way I just don't like the way that it's considered something so utterly scared that if he ever found out he wasn't her first all his ideals would be crushed.

Abody · 23/08/2012 12:49

I don't assume all his ideals would be crushed at all, if he's a reasonable person he probably won't care that she's slept with other people, just that she's lied about it for so long. I don't know that he is reasonable of course, but I wouldn't just assume that he isn't unless the OP tells us that.

Ephiny · 23/08/2012 12:50

I don't see why it matters, if it was before you got together.

DH is vaguely aware that I had boyfriends before him and was not a virgin, but he's never questioned me about it or really mentioned it at all. I doubt he ever thinks about it. It's in the past and irrelevant. If he was the type of person to be bothered by it, I doubt I'd be with him anyway.

We did have STI checks - I thought that was considered the normal and responsible thing to do (these days anyway, maybe not so much 20-30 years ago).

Ephiny · 23/08/2012 12:51

How do you think he'd react if you did tell him?

musicismylife · 23/08/2012 13:01

Tell him. So he can tell you to fuck off. And cancel the wedding and your little girl will end up with having no father around.

Why do some people try and cause ripples in the water? He does not need to know the truth. If, for example, I had slept with 200 men and told my fiance that I had only slept with 197 - I would not lose sleep.

You and him love each other and I suspect that years down the line when it does eventually resurface (as these things always do) you'll probably find that he had some little gem up his sleep that he didn't want to disclose either.

Abody · 23/08/2012 13:03

Wow music! That's a bit of an assumption! Why is he cancelling the wedding & abandoning his child?!

musicismylife · 23/08/2012 13:10

Worst case scenario, abody.

Schoolworries · 23/08/2012 13:13

Why cant people see that its not about what she lied about.

Its the fact she lied.

clemetteattlee · 23/08/2012 13:15

Or more the fact that the lie continues because he keeps mentioning it.

Schoolworries · 23/08/2012 13:18

Yeah, silly him.

Its all his fault.

musicismylife · 23/08/2012 13:18

And, OP, if it's any consolation, I have done the exact same as you, when I was drunk Blush

ex partner worked out I was full of shit as- I had already had three kids by that point

clemetteattlee · 23/08/2012 13:21

Schoolworries, you misunderstand me. I agree that she should tell him the truth ESPECIALLY because it is not a lie that is going away... But I also think she should tell him anyway.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 13:22

Oh come on, how was she to know when they first hopped into bed together that they'd end up getting married? She only lied because a previous partner had rather cruelly rubbished her sexual abilities.

It was unfortunate she lied I agree but it was a lie borne of insecurity. There wasn't any malice so please get off your high horse.

WillNeverGetALicence · 23/08/2012 13:25

music sometimes the "worst case scenario" does occur and is it worth the risk that your secret will never surface?

Have you ever had the experience of there being a secret in the family or between partners and the havoc this can cause when the truth comes out? Sometimes the trouble is not around what was being concealed but rather that a lie was told or a secret kept.

This can leave the partner who was in ignorance feeling very shaken and insecure.

I know of situations where first marriages, adoption, children born of donor conception etc were all concealed from relevant parties, children and partners, and it has caused huge distress and disruption to families when they have been revealed, sometimes in quite unexpected or unpredictable ways.

I am not saying this is quite on the same level but still to maintain a falsehood over an entire lifetime [particularly if partner keeps bringing it up] is pretty hard work and why would you want to do that to yourself?

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 13:26

Thing is though, it doesn't seem like they did have a conversation about their sexual history. The OP just told him this lie, due to the fear of him thinking she is shit. And even still keeps up the lie, and others are encouraging her to lie even further if it comes out Hmm

Yes, just keep continuing to lie, and spin even more web of lies over something so trivial. But don't complain if your web of lies are unravelled and he no longer trusts you.

It has fuck all to do with the past. It is true, once you start lying, you end up having to lie further. Then lie some more until you end up tripping yourself up. Is it really worth it over something which doesn't apparently matter to 90% of people on here it would seem?

Ephiny · 23/08/2012 13:28

Maybe it's best to just tell him and get it over with then?