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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

273 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 17:15

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

OP posts:

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:03

Its none of his business because it was part of her life before him. She doesn't have to share EVERYTHING with him.

And it doesn't need hiding, its just not relevant.

Who are you suggesting says "about 20"? If I said that I would definitely be lying! :)

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 15:05

But if it really doesn't matter about her "White Lie" (ha, always makes me laugh that) then why carry on lying? Why not just tell the truth, if it isn't that big a deal?

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:07

She's not carrying on lying, she's trying to let it lie. Only her bloody DP keeps going on about it!

Personally I think he's the one with the problem.... he seems very hung up on this virginity kerfuffle....

Schoolworries · 23/08/2012 15:09

But someones past is fasincating and part of the rich tapestry of what makes then who they are now.How can fully understand them if you dont know what they have experienced in life?

Even out of sheer curiosity of fascination why wouldnt you share your pasts together?

Obviously not the nitty gritty!

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:13

Its not that I'm not willing to share my past with DH at all, just that some parts remain private.

I wouldn't have the "how many partners" chat, no (tbh I find it very juvenile). I think that actually you've hit the nail on the head with "nitty gritty". To me, its "nitty gritty" and no, I wouldn't tell him.

I am willing to countenance the possibility that the reason I won't tell him is because I would worry that he might be shocked, which is again a different matter.

But to me, certain things remain private, even in an open and honest relationship, and that's one of them.

So if you lie because it makes you feel better, and your partner has no right to know the truth anyway, so be it....

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 15:14

Sorry, now I am laughing.

Doesn't matter who brings up a topic, it does not give you the automatic right to continue to keep up the lie and not tell the truth, just because it wasn't you who brought it up.

It really doesn't work like that.

And again, if it really is no biggie, then why the need to encourage someone to continue the lie, and even make up more lies if the truth comes out?

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:19

I think if I was the OP I'd explore it a bit more with him.

So every time he says "I'm so glad I was the first" I would want to know "why? What's so special? What if you weren't the first, would that bother you?"

Then maybe if he said it wasn't such a big deal I'd tell him the truth.

If he wanted to go on at length about how special being first made him feel I'd want to kick him I'd probably tell him he was being very silly, that he was putting a "value" on the experience that it didn't have. But I probably wouldn't tell him the truth unless he really pissed me off then I would shout it at him

But then, that's probably why I don't go out with guys like the OP's DP.

Schoolworries · 23/08/2012 15:22

How on earth is it juvenile to openly discuss your past if you both see fit to do so?

Really struggling to understand your mentality on that one Im afraid.

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:31

Its just one of those conversations I haven't had since I was about 20, together with what A levels I got.

There was almost something a bit judgey and yet at the same time kind of competitive about it at the time, so now I would say "a lady never tells!" :)

WigGold · 23/08/2012 15:34

It's interesting actually, the first boyfriend I lived with, we were both in our early 20's, only told me he was a virgin (before me) as we were splitting up. I was genuinely shocked that he never told me at the time, I didn't really know what to think of it - I remember thinking I wish I'd known how special it was for him if that makes sense? I sort of missed the moment?

Don't know what this adds to the thread, but interesting when male/female roles are reversed, - in his case he hid the fact because he was embarrassed to admit it.

Echocave · 23/08/2012 15:35

Forgive me if I've missed something op but why does it matter so much to him do you think?
I've got a jealous streak but this is one thing I've never cared about with DH. We've never asked each other the question. Ok, we met when we were a bit older than you and your DP so would've had to have led very sheltered lives to have been virgins when we got together but it's still just not important.
It may be sensible to know from a sexual health point of view but I don't think it sounds like that's why he's asking. Also, why is he saying horrible things about your sexual performance?

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 15:36

That was the ex, echocave

I'm spending far too much time on this thread today! :)

Ephiny · 23/08/2012 15:46

"Don't know what this adds to the thread, but interesting when male/female roles are reversed, - in his case he hid the fact because he was embarrassed to admit it. "

I was DH's first proper girlfriend, and while I haven't asked him straight out, I think I was almost certainly first he slept with. It doesn't matter to me either way though, and after 10 years together it's all a bit irrelevant now. As is my 'past'.

I was 20 when we got together, so before that it was all just teenage/student stuff, maybe it's different if you're older and there's more of a past. If there's been a previous marriage, or children from a previous relationship, then I'd want to know about that sort of thing.

And - I know not everyone has the same experience, not everyone bleeds, finds it painful etc, but on my first time, it was, er, somewhat obvious. If you had none of that, did he not even question it?

Schoolworries · 23/08/2012 15:55

Im impressed a peoples ability to have never asked their dps if they were their first time, in over 10 years of a realtionship.

The curiosity would kill me!

Crinkle77 · 23/08/2012 15:58

Say nothing. It's only a little white lie. And your ex was prob just saying that to be spiteful

gettingdesperatenow · 23/08/2012 16:05

Ooh don't tell him! He'll probably be pissed off about the lying, if nothing else. Is there any chance he could find out though?

CakeBump · 23/08/2012 16:19

Does it maybe depend on when you got together school

By the time DH and I got together, at 43 and 33 respectively, its all a bit water-under-the-bridge... And we have talked very openly about relationships, as I think they are your "rich tapestry", rather than your random shags.

Lots of people's number of sexual partners might be the same as their number of relationships of course, in which case its all quite obvious.

nkf · 23/08/2012 16:22

OP, how often does he talk about it? Once in a blue moon or regularly? Every month? If it's regularly, I bet he doesn't actually believe he was your first.

Kabooooom · 23/08/2012 16:41

Well, me and my DP got together when I was 15 and he was 16, nearly 17. We waited till I was 16, and didn't have a chat about if either of us were virgins or not. Still haven't nearly a decade later. But the fact is, neither of us lied either. We just withheld the information as neither of us felt it was relevant and it never came up in conversation (apart from his best mate telling me to go easy on him etc, so he gave it away that my DP was a virgin) but it would of pissed me off if he had of lied, said he had slept with whoever, for me to learn he hadn't. It would of made me question what else he was lying about, or what else he was capable of lying about.

So, all I am saying is fine, lie. Continue to lie. Even make up more lies to cover your back over something so trivial that it isn't needed but hey ho but don't be shocked if you are found out, and the trust is gone, or that your partner is rightly pissed off because it isn't the truth that would hurt, it would be the lies, and the deviousness to keep up that pretence which is what would hurt. "White lie" or not. A lie is a lie.

squoosh · 23/08/2012 16:51

And here endeth the lesson.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 18:12

Do as you choose, but be warned; the truth will always out

I can't see why. We had the conversation once-I can't see any further need. However, it is up to OP, if it really bothers her she ought to put it right.

Echocave · 23/08/2012 21:32

Oh Gawd, sorry OP, I really must learn to read. Especially before I post!

Floggingmolly · 23/08/2012 22:47

Does he make the "you chose me" comments often?
He should be getting over the thrill of it by now... Based on that alone, he seems to set an awful lot of store by the fact that he's "special" (!) and is unlikely to react well to the knowledge that it was all a fantasy, so to speak.
Keep schtum.

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