to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

let's not quibble
it's about 25

i find the idea of freshers health screening difficult to envisage in the UK, even nowadays however
is that what happens?

You get cinema tickets for chlamydia screening now...

different upbringings play a part

small and grim northern town, everybody knows everybpody, no local "STI clinic", you didn't go to the doctor for The Pill by yourself, you didn't dare buy condoms because you would be likely to bump into your Auntie Mavis, those early AIDS ads were viewed as suspicious propaganda

there was also rife sexism, racism, disablism and people just turned the telly up louder when they heard Mrs Jones next door getting seven shades of shit knocked out of her by her husband (but, By 'Eck he was a good provider...)

"standard freshers week" was not on most teenager's horizon

am I setting the scene adequately ?

in the past and totally irrelevant

If the op told her dh she slept with 4 men, but the real figure was 8 then I would agree that it was irrelevant. But she hasn't done that, her whole relationship is based on this one lie. It is very different to tell him he is her first when he isn't.

I doubt her whole relationship is based on this, that's v dramatic
maybe they like/love each other?

don't be silly. Nobody has a child with someone and marries them simply based on the fact that they like the version of sexual history they've been told

What if the op had come on here a said the father of her child who she was meant to be marrying shortly had being pretending he was a virgin but it was a lie and she felt hurt he could take her for such a fool and had broken trust.

I doubt people would say "oh he should dump you now for being upset. Get over it".

haha odn you put it SO much better

Clem - in answer to your earlier post:-

would any of these interest you:

He had a child by a previous relationship - yes as that is something that would obvilously impact on our everyday life

He had a history of infidelity - do any of us every really know the answer to that?!

He had a history of being violent towards women - naive as it may seem, I'd hope there would be some warning signs prior to getting into a relationship with a man with a previous history of domestic violence

He had had sex with men - does that really matter if he and I have been tested for STIs?

He had been an intravenous drug user - ditto if he's clean, though I would hope that he could talk to me about it to prevent a relapse, but that's up to him

He had criminal convictions - again, if it's something that would impact on our everyday life then I would hope my partner would feel able to confide in me to enable us to move forwards together. If it was for possession of acid 20 years ago and he'd forgotten about it and moved on then it's not relevant to the here and now

My 'white lies' aren't exactly lies as such, more that DS knows about the two other men I've slept with and hasn't wanted to know any more than that. He just hasn't, simple as. Sometimes the occasion doesn't arise to discuss previous sexual encounters as frankly as others (you?) would, and sometimes the ideal time has simply passed. You ask about STIs. I say that a treatable STI infection 20 years ago is of no relevance to the here and now. If I have a recurrent infection/condition that affects my health today then that's a different matter and one that should be discussed with partners as a matter of course for embracing an ongoing sexual relationship.

Of course there are going to be some aspects of a person's past that should be discussed. However, in respect of the original post, how many people they have slept with isn't going to change their relationship. He loves her. She loves him. Is he her first? No. Is she his first? Who knows. Who cares. If two people love each other the rest is irrelevant and everything else falls into place.

AnyFucker - are you from Doncaster by any chance?! Your account of 'small and grim norther town' sounds suspiciously like the village I grew up in!

If so it was probably the same one I grew up in too (and then moved from to an even more grim Midlands sink council estate!)

no, Archie...but a similar sort of place

oi less of the Midlands
and clem asfaik they still don't offer a 2 for 1 odeon/chlamydia oop here

Ds had tests the beginning of this year at college, he got some free pants with I've been tested on them and lots of condoms

I would never ask my DH to sit down and reel off numbers and orders. . What would be the point? Why would I care? It's in the past.

If he asked me to I think I would struggle to remember to be honest. Not because there are so many but because my sex life before dh was so long ago and is so unimportant to me now that I don't even think about it. I'd try if he asked but he hasn't.

Not everybody needs to spill their guts at every opportunity.

I don't know how many DH slept with. He doesn't know how many I have either.

We're not repressed or uptight about each other's past. I'm not jealous. I an just extremely uninterested. Even disinterested. I don't care. I don't really want to think about him being with other women. Or men . It doesn't come into my head.

In the OPs case I think I would tell him before the wedding. Just because he thinks it is a big deal, and seems proud of it. I wouldn't like to think of a conversation in 10 years time where her DH makes a total twat of himself in a pub.....

Just tell him OP. Tell him that none of the others mattered to you. Tell him what you like, but I would tell him.

I agree with Nagoo - I am just disinterested. However, if it is going to bother you I would tell him. However, if he can't understand a small lie I would take it as a warning sign and be very wary of marrying him.

It´s not about how many, is it?

He thinks that OP doesn´t even have a history!

I do wonder, as others have said, that he knows.

I think given the circs in which OP lied he would find it understandable tbh.

Probably the best thing is to tell him-it would be a good test of whether he was the man to spend the rest of your life with. If he didn't understand why you did it, then he is the wrong one.

Fwiw DH thinks you should tell him.

He was in the same position as your DF with an ex - this ex lied but then he found out anyway. He wasn't bothered by how many people she'd slept with, just bothered that she had lied.

He thinks you should tell your DF, and if he has a problem with it then "he's an arsehole anyway" and it's good that you have found this out now.

I actually disagree with him, unless there's a real chance he'll catch you out in a lie.

Like I've said, I wouldn't tell :)

I think that if it is going to bother you it is best to tell.

Hmm more from DH here - why would your DF choose to believe that you didn't sleep with your BF of 3 years?

Are you sure he doesn't say all this "I'm so glad you picked me to be your first" because he doesn't actually believe you? He's trying to catch you out in your lie?

the thing is, we don't know what the OPs background is, do we ? 23 isn't exactly ancient and for all we know they may both come from very religious backgrounds where not having sex with a boyfriend is perfectly feasible.

Not everyone lives in a world of one night stands and shagging anything that moves