Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

273 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 17:15

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/08/2012 23:19

clem...why are you extrapolating all that stuff ?

it has nothing to do with this thread

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 23:22

Why would you not care about your life long partners sexual past?

Why would you be cross if he cared about yours? Its a sign to me they care about what makes you, you.

Would you be cross because you feel ashamed? im really curious

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:22

I am not really extrapolating, just musing.
Trying to understand how MUCH of a partner's past people take an interest in (given that I am puzzled by almost everyone saying "yes carry on lying to your future husband").

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:23

AnyFucker, you say twenty years ago but it sounds more like thirty Wink

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:24

Twenty years ago this year I had my first sexual health screening. Pretty standard freshers' week stuff.

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 23:25

Goodness. I'm not ashamed. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I don't follow the script that of course early fumblings were awful and a source of physical coercion and embarrassment. I loved my first boyfriend deeply and came the first time I ever had sex. I just don't consider myself to have become lock stock and barrel my husband's property nor he mine. We're v v v happy and have been for a long time.

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 23:27

Im shocked people are encouraging op to lie

to be honest I find this "ooh I tell everyone the truth, I would never ever so much as tell a white lie" a bit too worthy and self righteous actually.

People tell lies (big and small) for all sorts of reasons - often to make an unpleasant truth more palatable to the recipient. It does not mean that it's wrong or make the person lying unpleasant or nasty.

The lie has been told donkey's years ago, probably in the heat of new love when the OP wanted to tell her now-DF what he wanted to hear. Don't we all. To be "shocked" by this I find rather Hmm

nkf · 22/08/2012 23:27

I do think the OP has got herself into a situation though. It's claiming he was the first and the fact that he likes that a lot that's caused the problem. It's not shaving a few numbers off and not counting blow jobs. This chap likes the fact he's her first. I can see that some men might think, "you silly thing" and understand why she told the fib.

What I can't quite understand, OP - is guilt eating you up or do you think he'd mind if he knew the truth?

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 23:27

Maybe this is a generational thing?

It was quite normal for me as a teenager to sit around Costas discussing our sex lifes. Just a normal part of life.

I see dh as my friend too so it extends to that.

I cannot believe anyone couldnt even be curious, even if they didnt want to know the answer. There is no shame in at least being curious.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2012 23:28

clem, I said more than 20 years ago

I am not trying to hide my age if that is what you are saying

I have been married for 18 years this year

we are both from small northern towns where everyone knew everyone else

you just didn't go and get STI tests back then, I have no reason to mislead

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 22/08/2012 23:30

i had not been honest with my dh, there were a few lies i had told that were imo for the right reasons, but in the end, for me, lies tend to fget found out.
I hadn,t told dh that i had been pregnant before, i didnt think it was relevant, it was 10 years before we met but then i realised at all my maternity appontments my notes said that this was not my first pregnancy so I told him.

he was / is fab, it was before we met, why worry about it.

I think younshould tell him.. honestly sit him down and start talking about beforeyou got together and the cruel things your ex said and i reckon ifnhe is half the mannyou think that he will give youna cuddle and tell you that what your ex said was a load of shit.. he wont think further than that.

Good Luck!

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 23:30

and the OP clearly lied about her experience because she thought her DF would think she was shit in bed and therefore decided to claim lack of experience in case she got dumped (my interpretation). Her DF has then latched onto that as a big ego boost that she waited for him to come along and he was the only one special enough to get her into bed.

Not because she wanted to manipulate him 7 years later

AnyFucker · 22/08/2012 23:30

hey, clem, not everyone had the experience of a "standard freshers week"

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:32

I am probably not the same generation, but the early 90s involved lots of sex, lots of recreational drugs and lots of daft irresponsible behaviour in my peer group. DH lived the same life and we needed to know how irresponsible we had been before we settled down.

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 23:32

I wasn't at school with my Dh and costas didn't exist when I was. So perhaps it is generational.

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 23:32

Actually ohdearnigel I DESPISE lying with every last core of my being.

DESPISE IT

Lies have ripped my entire family apart.Maybe no biggie to you to lie , but when someones lying has had a profoundly devesating effect on your life and the people you love you tend to grow to hate lying with every fibre of your being.

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 23:35

I wasnt at school with my dh. I see him as my husband and as a friend.

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:35

Anyfucker I think it is clear that people have different life experience, which is why we have different opinions to express to the OP.
I have no hidden agenda!!

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 23:36

Er yes well done. And? Clearly my failure to cross examine my husband about his magic number means I am not his friend.

Dear god.

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 23:37

Can't believe people actually bother to lie about numbers

Well you clearly have slept with a "respectable" number of people. Not too many, not too few. Maybe if you had slept with a lot of people you might feel differently about that.

I slept with over 50 men between the ages of 20 and 25. Lots of one night stands etc. I have never told DH this because I was a different person when we met and I really don't feel it is relevant to our relationship. However, when he asked me my number and said he'd slept with about 10 women I wasn't about to say mine was over 50 but I couldn't actually remember half their names

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:39

Because sexual health was high on the agenda during my school years, and then we were routinely screened as undergraduates, and then I went on to teach sexual health, and NOW ask every patient about their sexual health I suppose I am just a bit surprised that it doesn't feature more highly in people's conversations with their partners.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2012 23:40

Add message | Report | Message poster clemetteattlee Wed 22-Aug-12 23:23:47
AnyFucker, you say twenty years ago but it sounds more like thirty

Add message | Report | Message poster clemetteattlee Wed 22-Aug-12 23:24:35
Twenty years ago this year I had my first sexual health screening. Pretty standard freshers' week stuff.

clem, that is not expressing an opinion to the OP, it is throwing question on what another poster has said

clemetteattlee · 22/08/2012 23:42

There was a wink!! It was not a passive-aggressive wink.

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 23:42

chub

Thats a little sensitive of you! I said that because you said you werent a school with your husband. The implication was you thought I was at school with him. (my dh that is, not yours!) Was simply clarify I wasnt.

Nothing more than that.

ninah · 22/08/2012 23:42

you know af is right
don't die of ignorance - those ads - mid to late eighties
remember friends panicking about their sexual health then onwards
the one who should have panicked most carried on regardless, but HIV is not what it was portrayed to be either - he has a normal life expectancy now with the new advances in medicine
immaterial - op the fib has been fibbed, why rake it over?