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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

273 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 17:15

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2012 21:30

Can't believe people actually bother to lie about numbers. My dh has told me how many people he's slept with and it matters so little to me, that I've actually forgotten the number. All that is important is what you do after you met him, the stuff that went before, no one has any right to get upset about.

RightBuggerforit · 22/08/2012 21:35

I asked dh for you for a male perspective, he said keep shtum. I have to agree - better for him to keep believing what he likes to believe, no need to ruin that for him and drag up ex's that don't need mentioning.

WillNeverGetALicence · 22/08/2012 21:57

I think if it was a case of saying you had slept with 2 people but had actually slept with three, well that's probably pretty irrelevant imo and doesn't need to be rehashed. No need to "clear the air" in this circumstance.

But this seems to be a bigger lie, because you said you'd never slept with anyone and your DF was the first. And he seems so chuffed about it so obviously means something to him. And makes him think something about you which is based on a falsehood, whether that be that you have morals, are pure, were waiting for 'the one', that he was somehow special in this regard, whatever.

That is what I would uncomfortable with - that I had lied about my previous sexual experience and that I now felt unable to be honest with my DF.

What do you imagine might happen if you did tell him OP?

And OhDearNigel you'd be surprised what some people can say when they've been drinking [particularly if they are of a spiteful disposition and want to make mischief] - hence my comment that it might be very uncomfortable if you do happen to run into a drunk ex whilst out with DF/DH...

QuickLookUsainBolt · 22/08/2012 22:01

I wouldn't tell him. If it ever comes out via someone else, just lie pretend you did some things but not everything iykwim.

thatisall · 22/08/2012 22:06

I'd tell him, but that's because my hubby would be upset if he found out...not because of not being the first but because I wasn't honest.

Could he find out and if he did do you think it would make him question your honesty over other things?

Abody · 22/08/2012 22:07

I could be off base but what would you all say if she had come on here saying "my DF has always told me I was his first but I've just discovered he's slept with x, y & z people." Would you not say "leave the lying bastard" or similar? I can't believe so many people think she should keep lying. It's a perfectly good excuse (about your insecurity etc.), just tell him, you don't have to make a massive deal out of it. I say get it off your chest & just play it down. It'll be fine (& if it's not then leave the judgemental bastard).

McHappyPants2012 · 22/08/2012 22:09

if someone does say something, make out you lied to them and not your future husband

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 22:10

I can't see why it would ever come up or why you would need to elaborate if it did - it was before you met him and in the past.

mirry2 · 22/08/2012 22:14

Don't tell. It really doesn't matter.

AnyFucker · 22/08/2012 22:17
Hmm

I haven't ever asked my husband how people he has shagged, and vice versa

If you insist on doing this with your partners, at least tell the truth

or else, keep your gob shut in the first place

it came up once at the beginning of my relationship with DH. I vaguely said "would you want to know how many if I told you" and he said no, it was none of his business

I concur

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 22:24

Im shocked people are encouraging op to lie

If my dh had lied about something so fundamental I wonder what the hell else he thought he could cover up and take me as fool for

The ONLY saving grace would be he was grown up enough to put his hands up to his mistake of lying now because he realised it was the right thing to do.

At least I could respect him for being honest at some point.

Once you start lying the web gets bigger and bigger

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 22:30

This isn't fundamental though. It's old history. It doesn't matter. The bit that is weird is how hung up on it he seems to be.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 22:33

It isn't lying - it is old history - in the past and totally irrelevant.

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 22:34

Hes hung up on in because he doesnt believe her.

Yes it is pretty fundamental to lie about something like imo

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 22/08/2012 22:34

No, Abody, I for one wouldn't be calling that a LTB offence.

Cynner · 22/08/2012 22:34

Marriage is difficult enough without lies. I know I would feel this kind of untruth niggling at me forever. Anytime in my life I have made the choice to lie, it has always come back to bite me in the arse..
That being said, you know your fiancé best. If this type of revelation will put paid to the wedding you need to prepare yourself for that possibility.

crispyquaver · 22/08/2012 22:37

I am getting married myself in a few weeks and personally I would tell - not because the actual facts are important but because I don't like dishonesty in a relationship. I would not want DF to lie to me but how can I expect that if I do it to him?

DF and I have never actually discussed numbers of sexual partners but he's aware that I've had (quite) a past. And I'm confident that if I was in this sort of situation he would probably chuckle at my silliness, because it really wouldn't matter to him. It shouldn't matter to him if he has any respect for you.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 22:41

You could tell him but I wouldn't go ahead and marry him if he thinks it anything other than irrelevant, old history. I have been married for many years - I don't need to know anything about before- it has nothing to do with 'us' as a couple. If anyone turned up after this time with some revelation I would just say 'so.........' in a baffled way. I would leave the past in the past- unless it is going to bother you.

mirry2 · 22/08/2012 22:45

My dh and I have never talked about past sexual matters. I suppose it's because neither of us is curious enough.

expectmiracles · 22/08/2012 22:46

Don't tell... but If it ever comes up tell him you didn't count the others as they were irrelevant fumblings compared to his real lovemaking and that he was the first and only one to give you an orgasm.

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 22:46

Couldnt agree with that advice less

"oh by the way father of my child I have been lying to you for a few years about something, but if you DARE show any ounce of hurt or confusion that I was misleading you all this time then Im going to punish you by not marrying you"

Sounds really fair. Unless he takes it on the chin like a good chap, really, he deserves to be dumped.

MrsArchieTheInventor · 22/08/2012 22:48

Don't tell, he doesn't need to know. It's not the reason he's engaged to you and it would do no good to reveal the truth now, unless it's something you feel you can't live with, in which case choose your time and place carefully.

DH thinks he was my third sexual experience. He was, in fact, my fifth. Does this make me a bad person for not being honest about two one-night-stands that I'm not particularly proud of at a rather dark time of my youth? No. Does it make me love DH any less? No. Am I a lesser person for having slept with two more men than DH thinks I have? Hell, no!

If you can, try and let it go and become part of your past that occasionally makes you smile. If your intended discovers your past, it's up to him whether he makes issue of it or not, however if he wasn't a virgin when your first slept together I'd say he's on shaky ground for casting judgement. Let he who is without sin and all that...

Abody · 22/08/2012 22:56

I was JOKING schoolworries, if that was directed at me? I agree with you, I'd be furious about the lying!

Abody · 22/08/2012 22:57

Oh whoops, sorry! It was exoticfruit wasn't it? (I hope?) Blush

McHappyPants2012 · 22/08/2012 23:00

i told DH something when we first got together.

DH said i was his 2nd found out later i was something like 7th or 8th, did it bother me no, would i divorce him over the past no. It made no diffrence to our relationship.

her future husband is happy by this tiny lie. why change it