to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

[DesperatelySeekingPomBears]

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

timetoask

Good point. I

Tyranno sorry but .

OP, don't tell. That kind of comment would make me cringe too whether there was a lie or not.

But even if she bumps into an ex whilst she's out with her husband, her ex is hardly going to say, "Do you remember that shag we had...?"

She had boyfriends - she doesn't need to lie about that. Or, OP, have you said he was the first person you went out with? It didn't sound like it.

I would be more worried about being found out. If that was possible, I'd tell.

I think if it's eating at you, you should tell. This isn't one of those instances of what you did (sleeping with other people) hurting him. Frankly, I'd worry a bit if I couldn't come clean to the man I love for fear of his reaction, and I couldn't go into a marriage on a lie.

I think I would just tell for the sake of honesty. But I don't think it should or will be the end of the wedding! You have a child and a secure relationship, do you think his ego / pride / feelings would be that hurt if he found out you lied? Esp given why you lied - ex made you feel crap etc... Its understandable. No biggie.

I think the thing is stuff like this can come up in random conversations so its probably best to have a proper chat about it rather than blurt it out or whatever.

Er, don't your family and friends know that you've had boyfriends? What if he made some reference to being your first 'serious' boyfriend in their company?

I would definitely tell if you weren't his first. He'll understand because its a good reason. Just bring it up saying that you have something to admit that you want to get off your chest and explain it.

I think the general MN view OP is lie through your teeth, but leave the bastard if he ever tells you a lie.

I think I would tell but then I think no good comes from secrets, particularly within a marriage.

If he's never asked or you'd never said anything then you could say this was private and there'd probably be no need for him to ever know how many people you'd slept with prior to him. I don't know how many women my husband slept with prior to me and I couldn't care less really. This was his life before me and there is no need for me to know now imo.

But as you've told him he's the first and he wasn't... i think you have to come clean. How do you think he'd react? Surely if this man loves you and wants to marry you he'll understand your reasons for your "white lie". He may feel a little foolish for his declarations of specialness for being chosen as your first [and may feel a bit cross about that, I know I might].

But otherwise I think it's better to start your married life with a clean slate.

If your husband can't handle the revelation that you weren't a virgin when you met then perhaps you would need to seriously question whether he is the man for you anyway...?

Good luck though OP. I know this might be quite worrying for you and I hope it all turns out well whatever you decide to do.

Well this is the thing, he knows I was with my ex for nearly three years and has never questioned it further.

Rubbish mrmiyagi.

look what happened to Tess when she told that tosser Angel Clare the truth!
(oh someone's already mentioned her....)
no do not tell him.

OP's DP is hopefully not a tosser though....

no.....sorry that's not what I meant

DP isn't a tosser, no. I don't think he'd leave me or anything of that kind, it just niggles away at me.

Nah I know Nelly

I don't know, a bit torn on this one. If you explained about what an arse your ex was about things, would he understand why you felt the need to lie?

On the other hand... Its really not that big a deal. In the scheme of things, you could have told much worse lies.

I don't like living with lies, but understand why you told the one you did. Let it lie, and work on finding bigger things for him to comment on in the future.

I had something niggling at me recently and I told. It helped both of us. Is was a barrier between us (or at least, I felt it was)

But then if you don't tell, you will have to keep up the pretence for your entire life

For example, just imagine when your son grows up. And he wonders whether to have a relationship with a girl who isn't a virgin. And your DH tells him to wait for that girl who will make him feel special by allowing him to be her first, "just like your mother was son!"

And might you always wonder if your DF would have still wanted to marry you if he's known the truth?

Or say you do randomly run into the twatty ex somewhere, at a party or in a pub, he's had a few drinks, he makes some sly dig about your past sexual relationship in front of your DH... DH asks you what he meant, you have to lie again but DH is now suspicious.

People may think I'm being paranoid or thinking worst case scenario sort of stuff.

However these are just a couple of possibilities of what may happen in the future. Do you really want to take the risk and uncertainty? Or might it be best to be honest now and give your DF the chance to prove his worth - that he is marrying you because he loves you, not some ideal of who you are?

I am actually very surprised how many of you are advocating maintaining a lie like this

"give your DF the chance to prove his worth - that he is marrying you because he loves you, not some ideal of who you are?"

That's the crux, for me, WillNever

I don't think you can cite Tess as a valid reason not to tell. Her only mistake was in taking up with such a tosser as Angel Clare in the first place!

I think you should tell him and say why you lied and that you didn't say earlier because it seemed so important to him. Tbs, I think I would judge him as a potential husband, by his reaction. If he is an arse over it, then rethink the wedding

My husband lied to me for a year when we met, he said he'd slept with 2 when in fact it was 3 (number 3 was a drunken 1 night stand behind his ex's back)

I was pretty pissed off with him when he confessed because it seemed like such a pointless lie and he had done it so automatically and convincingly, it made me wonder what else he'd lied about, so no, I wouldn't tell.

I think only you know what the relationship can take & if you think you'd rather tell him now do it. He has a right maybe to be upset u lied to him but if he makes a bigger deal out of it then that maybe it's a sign. How will he handle all the things life can throw at a couple if he can't handle this?

Also not to change the subject but in reference to some of the comments - I don't count 1 of the people I slept with - too small to really feel it.

Surely this is fair grounds for dismissal as an addition to my number?

Maybe I should start a thread on this?

just another example of how one lie leads to masses of others. if when he first said (prepare to cringe) 'you chose me' you should have said 'yeah eventually i did!!' but you let it continue, that's a bit crap if u ask me. I would tell him, it will be something you laugh about later, but if you don't i think every time he says something about it, you will feel worse and worse, and i really don't think it's a deal breaker, do you though???

just re read and you don't think he'd leave you,s o tell him ffs!! let us know what he says!!