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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my fiance the truth before we book the wedding?

273 replies

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 17:15

When DF and I first slept together I made the stupid mistake of telling him that he was my first whereas actually he was the fourth.

My ex made some rather unpleasant remarks about my sexual skills during a row after we broke up and, stupidly, I thought DF may think the same so lied so I'd have the excuse of inexperience.

However, we are now engages with a lovely 7mo DS. WIBU to never tell DF? Or if it were you would you want to know the truth?

OP posts:
cupcake78 · 22/08/2012 20:07

I don't see why he needs to know really. It's not important and doesn't really matter.

Don't tell him, he'll wonder what else your not telling him.

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 20:14

I don't understand why he needs to know but then nor do I understand why this would matter so much you'd feel the need to lie about it UN the first place. Unless you were about 13 when you first Got together having sex with four men in your entire life is hardly slutty. I would tell him but only because if he's going to go off the deep end better this side if the wedding than after it. But really I'm surprised two adults in a committed relationship consider this important.

EnjoyResponsibly · 22/08/2012 20:14

Given his tendency toward the fromage, if you told him coud you dress it a little as "well you were so quick/huge/wonderful/earth-shattering/awesome (delete as approps) that it felt like the first time?

BTW what on earth does he think you were doing for 3 years with exDP?

MummytoKatie · 22/08/2012 20:26

Ok - my husband told a similar lie except he said he had before when he hadn't. He told me about 9 months into our relationship (after we got engaged but before the wedding.)

The thing was that I already knew. Or at least suspected or wondered. For some reason I got a creeping feeling down the back of my neck whenever we talked about it. And we talked about it quite a lot because I kept bringing it up wanting him to say something that finally convinced me he was being truthful because it was horrible having a suspicion.

I wonder if your df is the same if he mentions it a lot?

When he told me I was really calm to start with (just said "I know" and stared into space). But then all sorts of things started sinking in.

The way I'd been with him before we first had sex made me feel sick. (in a relationship when you have both done it before there is an assumption that sex will happen I think. But we were not in that relationship. I just thought we were.)

I had told him far more detail about previous boyfriends than I would have if I'd known.

For about 48 hours I was really upset and wasn't convinced I could marry him. But then I got over it and moved on. We've been married 12 years now.

It has had an effect on our relationship though. Deep down he wishes I hadn't pre him and I really resent that as if he had been honest in the first place then we could have decided if it was a problem before we fell in love. But it is just a small niggle really. (Above the fact that he firmly believes there are bed sheet fairies but far far below him not doing his share when dd was teething and up all night.)

AmberLeaf · 22/08/2012 20:36

I can't imagine any good coming of you telling him the truth tbh.

nkf · 22/08/2012 20:42

I think it's a bit creepy that he's so chuffed about it. Do you or he come from a culture where virginity is highly prized? No idea what you should do but I bet it comes out later. I'd be irritated if I were him and it came out later but I don't think it's a deal breaker. But, but why does he make such a thing about it?

PoohBearsHole · 22/08/2012 20:44

DH still doesn't know the actual figure of the men I have slept with, he would be horrified as it is more than him Wink (with women!)

It seems like its a lie that got out of proportion, and he probably knows, but if he is the first person you have actually loved then that makes it a first in my books.

And the first time never counts.

BTW imho someone telling you you are crap in the bedroom actually means they are crap in the bedroom. I went out with a lothario who had been with many women (in my innocence) yet he always told me I was fantastic in bed Blush I will never know if that is true or not but dh has no complaints!

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 22/08/2012 20:46

If it is niggling at you (and it would at me), I would tell him. Explain in the way frumpet suggested and apologise that you haven't told him sooner, it wasn't that you didnt trust him, just you felt silly about it.

Hassled · 22/08/2012 20:47

I would tell.
a) this will eat away at you for a long time and you'll feel guilty for a long time
b) you should go into a marriage with honesty
c) it probably won't matter, but if he's the sort of person where this will be a ridiculously huge deal then better you know that pre-wedding.

Sawdust · 22/08/2012 20:48

I would tell him. Just explain why you lied and that you have really regretted it as the years have gone by.

I agree with those who have said that having children is a greater commitment than getting married, but now that you're making that commitment together, it seems like a good opportunity to clear the air and start 'honestly'.

MrMiyagi · 22/08/2012 20:50

It's very clever how you've set this up, OP. If he is legitimately pissed off at the dishonesty, you can just, with the support of many on here no doubt, twist the whole thing to him getting upset and controlling over your past.

Original poster
DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 20:56

Miyagi that's a bit presumptuous, don't you think? I haven't the slightest intention of twisting anything, and would understand if he was pissed off/upset if I do tell him!

OP posts:
Mrbojangles1 · 22/08/2012 20:57

You never eever tell a man the number of men you have shagged

joanofarchitrave · 22/08/2012 20:58

LOL LOL at Tyrannosoreus. I've seen entire sitcom episodes with less in it than that...

diddl · 22/08/2012 21:01

How could he not know?

I´d have to tell as I couldn´t bear his reference to being "chosen" (cringe)

Are you both young?

Original poster
DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 22/08/2012 21:02

No, when we met I was 23, he was 28.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 22/08/2012 21:05

Is he quite dopey that he didn't realise he was not your first?

ImperialBlether · 22/08/2012 21:08

It's something he wanted to believe, in my opinion.

Sawdust · 22/08/2012 21:10

Eeek! On re-reading my post I realise it sounds like a prissy - well now you've had your children and your finally getting round to the marriage - thing. Really, really not meant that way! Sorry to anyone who may have read it like that!

Chubfuddler · 22/08/2012 21:17

23? Bloody hell. He wanted to believe you were a virgin. I know it does happen but a 23 year old is far more likely not to be a virgin.

Mrmyagi you're really flying the flag for paranoia there. Easy fella.

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 21:18

I would be waiting to bump into an ex whilst with him

So ? Even if they did the ex is hardly about to go "God, Pombears, you really were an incredible lay all those times I fucked you" is he ? Presumably her DF doesn't think she was a hermit before he met her ?

OhDearNigel · 22/08/2012 21:20

MrMiyagi, you do realise that most people lie about their "figure" don't you ? men put it up and women put it down

Schoolworries · 22/08/2012 21:22

I think mummytokatie could be right.

He probably keeps bringing it up because he doesnt quite believe you

NovackNGood · 22/08/2012 21:24

Rule of 3 is it not. Multiply the figure a woman gives by 3 and divide a mans figure by 3 get closer to the real number.

McHappyPants2012 · 22/08/2012 21:27

why disclose the amount of sexually partners.

i would leave it and put your past behind you.