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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make my husband promise not to take coke at a party.

157 replies

merryplopppins · 19/08/2012 20:02

Longish story will try to keep it brief.

My husband very occasionally indulges in a few lines of coke at parties. In my younger days I also did (bearing in mind this was pre kids) However, I feel that at 40 years old, he really ought to knock this kind of thing on the head. I am especially concerned as he has recently been under investigation for palpatations. I work in the medical field and I know how dangerous it is to mix alcohol with cocaine, in my opinion he would be completely irresponsble risking a heart attack when we have two small children to consider.
We spoke at length about this tonight, or rather i did. I gave him a long lecture and made him promise he would not take anything. To which he replied "well I won't buy any" This of course means he will have some if there is some going around.

Anyway now he is hardly speaking to me as we had a huge row about me trying to control what he does etc. etc. I am sure you can imagine.
Well AIBU???? Cos i bloody well don't think so!

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 19/08/2012 20:03

yanbu your just not

RaisinDEtre · 19/08/2012 20:05

you are a bit UR but I understand why you are bothered

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 19/08/2012 20:07

I wouldn't want to be with someone who uses drugs and who has so little respect for my opinion
...but...
You can't tell a grown man what to do either. Sorry

Nanny0gg · 19/08/2012 20:07

YANBU.
Not in the slightest.

Bluestocking · 19/08/2012 20:07

Of course you're not being unreasonable. He needs to grow up and start taking responsibility.

MrsApplepants · 19/08/2012 20:07

Yanbu

ViviPru · 19/08/2012 20:08

YANBU not to want him to do that, but I'm guessing you know full well that your big mistake was when you gave him a long lecture.

Perhaps tell yourself this is his last hurrah, and next time, if there is one, you'll try and manage getting your point across in a more effective way.

LynetteScavo · 19/08/2012 20:09

YANBU - I would try and get through to him the dangers of combining coke and alcohol, but not at a time when you are about to go to a party. If he has to do coke, then it should be alcohol or coke. Will make you look like less of an old nag.

LittleWhiteWolf · 19/08/2012 20:09

What Formerly said.

Kayano · 19/08/2012 20:10

I think you are a bit late to be dealing and taking a hard line now ....

The first time he did it post dc he would have been out

Original poster
merryplopppins · 19/08/2012 20:12

Ha ha, yes viviPru, i know that now! I just don't know the best way to get through to him. He sort of prides himself on his rebellious streak i think. But tbh i just wish he could just think of the possible consequences. I am genuinely concerned for his health.

OP posts:
Mrbojangles1 · 19/08/2012 20:13

I wouldnt be with somone who takes drugs espically if i had children

I just would not abide a penny being spent on that shit while i had bills to pay and children to feed

No doubut he is mixing with drug dealrs to get the drugs
No doubut he is storing it at your home were your kids are
No doubut he is spending family funds on it

Taking drugs is sad but more so if your over about 25 and are married and have children

thenightsky · 19/08/2012 20:14

I just read this out to DH. We both wondered if it would actually invalidate your life insurance. If yes, then that would be reason enough not to partake.

Birdsgottafly · 19/08/2012 20:15

I would pull out any life insurance policies etc and make sure that they are water tight, in front of him.

There comes a time when your body cannot take what it used to and you have to accept your age and responsibilities.

Kayano · 19/08/2012 20:15

You should show him a consequence and change the locks when he is at the party and only provide a key of he hasn't taken anything.

He won't take you seriously

ViviPru · 19/08/2012 20:15

It's tough. It's nowhere near LTB territory, but I am inclined to agree with Formerly Sad

CustardCreeeeem · 19/08/2012 20:18

I am inclined to say just let him. He has been taking it for years so he should know his limits. He is not very likely to end up dead from a few lines, Im assuming his mates will be providing the coke so it is from a trusted source.

You wouldn't try to tell him not to drink, so you can't tell him what to snort. Obviously you are entitled not to like it. And not to let him in your house with DCs if he is clearly intoxicated.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 19/08/2012 20:20

YANBU

I totally understand your point of view as I have told my own DP if he ever touches that stuff again he's out. I cant make him do what I say, but at the same time he can't make me put up with it.

Mrbojangles1 · 19/08/2012 20:21

merryplopppins the thing is by marrying him and haveing a child before he stopped taking drugs you basically accpeted it may be a bit late to complaine now

I can just see him saying
"well its not been a issue up till now you knew i did this before we gor married"

And if its not a deal breaker then i am not sure if he will take you seriousley

Socknickingpixie · 19/08/2012 20:35

i wonder if people who think hes a grown up so you cant tell him what to do would think thats applicable to other crimes as well?

TheBigJessie · 19/08/2012 20:35

Alcohol is legal. Cocaine is illegal. It's not a perfect comparison. Also, unless his mates are growing the plants themselves, and refining the substances in their own labs, I wouldn't say the cocaine's necessarily from a trustworthy source. It's from a man or woman one of the guys at the party trusts. They ain't necessarily the same thing.

MrsKeithRichards · 19/08/2012 20:39

Grin at trusted source. There is no such thing as a trusted source when it comes to drugs and especially when we're talking about something so easily cut as coke. Teething powders at best... At worst
, well that's anyone's guess!

That aside, and I'm pretty easy going with certain illegal substances, yanbu. For the heart thing. Coke, even on its own, makes your heart race. He shouldn't induldge when he's got a dodgy ticker.

FormerlyTitledUntidy · 19/08/2012 20:46

I do think it's applicable to other crimes yes. I'm not in charge of my dp, the same as he's not in charge of me. I could remind him of what I don't like, but why should I? I'm not his mother, we're not together so I can dictate to him what behaviour is acceptable.
I wouldn't be with someone who does drugs like I've said, in fact dp is a police man, I'm not likely to have to remind him of what is a crime.

TooManyDaisies · 19/08/2012 20:51

YANBU. At all.

Inertia · 19/08/2012 20:57

Given that any life insurance policies and death in service work benefits may be invalidated by his illegal drug use, you might get a more helpful response by discussing how to finance alternative provision if he dies.

The HCP in charge of his heart condition probably should be made aware of the situation too, if DH is going to continue to use cocaine.

Frankly, he's being an irresponsible prick if he is taking cocaine now he had a family, especially as his medical condition could be made worse. I doubt your kids will be impressed with their father's rebellious streak if he ends up dead. what a ridiculous thing for an adult to pride himself on - he 's acting like he's 14, not 40.