to make my husband promise not to take coke at a party.

[merryplopppins]

Longish story will try to keep it brief.

My husband very occasionally indulges in a few lines of coke at parties. In my younger days I also did (bearing in mind this was pre kids) However, I feel that at 40 years old, he really ought to knock this kind of thing on the head. I am especially concerned as he has recently been under investigation for palpatations. I work in the medical field and I know how dangerous it is to mix alcohol with cocaine, in my opinion he would be completely irresponsble risking a heart attack when we have two small children to consider.
We spoke at length about this tonight, or rather i did. I gave him a long lecture and made him promise he would not take anything. To which he replied "well I won't buy any" This of course means he will have some if there is some going around.

Anyway now he is hardly speaking to me as we had a huge row about me trying to control what he does etc. etc. I am sure you can imagine.
Well AIBU???? Cos i bloody well don't think so!

Sorry - do we know the OP's financial situation? I know plenty of excellent parents that will indulge in various substances a few times a year. Professionals, highly educated, high-tax paying, contributing to society etc. They let their hair down from time to time, party like there's no tomorrow
oh right so as anyfucker (great nick) also said, then class A drug taking is OK as long as the taker is middle class and has a job?
reminds me of how the Daily Mail treated those upper class scum junkies recently, you know the ones I mean, in comparison to other drug takers.

There's lots of reasons to object to cocaine. The OP here is concerned it will aggravate a medical condition. Not particularly controversial, I'd have thought!

The husband has responded to the OP's concerns about his health by saying, "well, I won't buy any". If the OP is correct to interpret this as she has- that he'll still take any if it's offered to him, because he hasn't got the courage to say, "not tonight Joseph" to his mates- that's a compromise that makes no-one happy, in all the best traditions of compromises!

Without the heart issues, not an enormous problem for me tbh. Though I'd agree that having kids should make you think about recreational drug use. I quit smoking and drink a lot less now.

With the heart issues, slightly different kettle of fish, though the OP may know more about the risks. Maybe her DH is trying to prove to himself that the dodgy ticker won't hold him back in life. Find out why he's so adamant that coke use is fine.

If one partner had a dangerous hobby and the other partner was very concerned about their safety, the way forward would be to talk about it and see whether there's a safer alternative (e.g. maybe indoor climbing on a wall, or use of ropes rather than free climbing) . The OP here isn't trying to ban him from parties , or stop him seeing friends, or stop him drinking. She has only asked him to stay away from cocaine.

Motorcylists, climbers etc can buy specialist insurance policies to cover them for their hobbies so that if they are injured or killed, their families are not hit financially . I doubt there are policies covering illegal drug use.

I'm a bit taken aback at the notion that illegal drug use is ok if you're a high earner. Does it matter what he earns ? (Apparently he's going to scrounge it off somebody anyway) . Interested to know which other illegal activities are allowable as long as you are a high earner. Tax evasion, fraud, fine art theft maybe ?

Mumsnet never fails to amaze me.
Talk about a father taking Cocaine and you get a brigade of people making excuses for him.
Give a child a fruit shoot and social services are called.

NO parent should be taking drugs. ANy drugs. I know all to well the effects on a child as my mother is a regular cocaine user.
It is irresponsible, stupid and illegal.

Anyone who tries to excuse this behaviour is a twat.

I don't think that you can add to that milkymocha- it says it all.
At 40 yrs he could easily have a 15 yr old and if parents are having a dangers of drugs talk those giving it expect to be talking to responsible parents and not those stunted in their development - some sort of Peter Pan figure.
If my father took illegal drugs I would be furious with him.

The difference between cocaine (one of the differences, there are loads of course, starting with cost/perceived acceptibility etc) and a lot of other 'recreational' drugs is the minor problem of sudden death.
Just because he has tolerated previous occasional lines of cocaine without apparant problem or addiction, does not mean he will continue to do so. Mix a bit of alcohol in the mix and the risk escalates exponentially.

So, to me the issues here are:
-cocaine use by a family man
-wife lecturing
-his response being less than mature.

I am not saying 'leave the bastard' (although 'leave the basket' still makes me giggle), but ffrom the OP alone I'd have concerns about how adult a relationship there is tbh.

I do hold alot of resentment exotic!
My mum is a very very popular member of the community, has a fantastic job, beautiful clean home, hundreds (literally) of 'friends' !
So she is not your 'average junkie', she does not see a bottle of vodka and a gram of coke on a weekend anything to worry about. It is the norm.

It sickens me to the point of not allowing my children to have a relationship with her. I will not let them in her house (she holds alot of house parties!)
People may think this to be OTT but, it is my duty as a mother to protect my babies from harm (be that stray wraps on gear, people who are under the influence)

I feel blessed that i have not fallen into a trap that was very easy to get into. My sister dabbles in it (alot of the time in my mums company) and i am seen as 'the boring one'!
I'd rather be seen as that than the haggered cow dancing on the tables with their jaw swinging !

Thats just me.

If OPs husband had forbidden her from taking coke before they has DCs, she would have no doubt been furious. Its only because she has quit that she feels she has the right to 'lecture' him.

I admit that it is not ideal for a father to have a drug habit or to spend family money on drugs, but neither of these things is applicable in this situation. OP has stated it is not regular drug use, 'very occasional', and as her DH will not be actually buying it, it doesn't affect their budget.

Leaving everything else aside I would have thought that coke and heart palpatations is a rather explosive mixture www.news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/355256.stm

These are different circumstances now they have kids. He has a young family to consider. Lots of people do experiment with drugs when they are young. She has grown up, he hasn't. I would feel the right to lecture my dh if I thought his stupid, selfish behaviour might kill him. There's no point in saying it after he has had a heart attack. A couple of my friends in my younger and more foolish days ended up in hospital after using drugs, we are not talking heavy use here either. Coke use does nothing for your mental state either, it turns people into moody, paranoid idiots.

I don't care what the age is-if they are acting like an irresponsible child of course you can lecture them.
I am fully with milkymocha-I wouldn't let a drug user near my children.

You are however being unreasonable in giving him a long lecture. He either gets it or he doesn't.

Simply say well firstly we need to check your life cover to make sure DCs and I will be ok if you manage to kill yourself oh and don't expect us to visit you in hospital or spend time caring for you if you suffer a heart attack as a result of your own selfish actions.

That I suspect would have more effect than the endless reasoning.

I think unfortunately it has to come down to letting him make his own choices in this instance. That being said, however, it does not mean you need to simply live with those choices.

I would simply tell DH that if he chooses to take drugs, that's fine, his choice. He will, however, be doing it as a single man, as I and the children will not be around to witness his decline in health.

It's illegal, it's a health risk, and it could possibly risk his life with you and the children (either by jail or death)... if he's willing to take those chances, then you need to be thinking about whether or not you're willing to live like that.

Custard the OP is concerned about the cocaine exacerbating a pre-existing heart difficulty, though, isn't she? That is going to remain a risk, whether he pays for it, or takes what's going around at a party.

I think iam in quite a good position to talk about this subject. I know cocaine users, ex cocaine users, dealers, dead users, children of users (myself!).. The whole spectrum.

It is a vile drug. Something that turns intelligent, decent, respectful peopke into cocky, vile creatures.
It makes my heart ache to think another child will grow up with a using parent like mine and feel the shame.

I called my mother 30 minutes after giving birth to my son and was greeted with her out of her face, abusing me. I of course was seen as in the wrong for 'not letting her meet her grandson' !

I know this is my personal opinion and experiences but, how anyone can justify the use of cocaine because the person can afford it or they do it occasionally is ridiculous. I pray your life is never effected by it!

*affected.

There's nothing sadder than a middle aged Drug user who thinks he's 'edgy.'

Tell him to Grow up!

I think the OP's got every right to be furious. It'll be here having to deal with the consequences!

That's what makes me side with her. They have two children to think of - she is, he isn't.

With a known but undiagnosed heart issue - which may have been caused by coke use in the past - this man is prepared to take the risk of further damaging his heart (or worse), and is utterly ignoring his wife's concerns.

He cares nothing for the very real risk that he'll be risking his life. Nothing for the even more likely scenario that he'll be damaging an already-weakened vital organ.

It's the OP who'll be picking up the fall out, one way or the other - either as a single parent, or in looking after a man with heart failure (and those of you saying 'it's no issue' need to look up what that means!) and, imo, that does give her the right to be angry and to insist that he doesn't do it!

I don't get MN sometimes - all this he/she can't tell you what to do. No, of course they can't tell me, but I wouldn't be with my partner if I didn't respect him enough to trust him when he tells me I'm doing something daft, and I hope the same is true in reverse.

If this were my DH, he'd be coming home to a locked door, because his attitude is that he cares nothing for what his actions might do to me and to our children - and that's not acceptable to me.

And, yes, I'd say the same about excessive drinking, risky driving, stupid hobbies... the time for those id when you're young and/or (if you must) when the kids have grown up and left home.

ginnybag don't you think that's a bit too much rationality in one post! You even addressed the actual concerns of the OP and acted as if you'd read it!

milkymocha - Your post made me really sad but you sound like you have your head in order....

If an individual (with no children) wants to take drugs, I think "arsehole" but it's their life so whatever....

If an individual (with children) is taking drugs (and this includes drinking excessively) and even smoking, I think what a selfish f*er.. You have a responsibility to be around for as long as possible for your kids.

If my OH was doing coke he'd be out the door before his arse could touch the floor.

Putting aside the heart palpitations and the fact that the OP's husband doesn't appear to want to communicate over the coke issue - both of which are obviously worrying - I still can't see how parents taking drugs from time to time is automatically A BAD THING.

Life insurance - ok, say that any cover that a coke user had would be void if they died from taking cocaine. Fair enough, that would be a blow to the family. BUT - by that rationale, does that mean that it's ok to take risks in legal areas if covered by a financial policy. So, deep sea diving, wreck diving, base jumping, sky-diving are all ok activities as a parent because a lump sum is available if you die? What, then, if the OP's family is stinking rich and has no need for life cover. Does that change things? What if someone is scuba diving and inadvertantly goes below a certain depth (maybe they go to 33 metres, not 30, get into trouble and die. Insurance would try to avoid paying out as it would breach the terms of diving within a certain range).

Which comes back to my overall point - as a parent, why are some risks ok to take and others not? Why is it ok to get blind drunk on a night out with friends and be hungover as hell for days, but not ok to take a line of coke at a party, have a nice evening, and be a fully functioning parent the next day?

I don't take coke - don't like the stuff - but I cannot get worked up about perfectly intelligent and lovely parents taking the occasional line.

"Which comes back to my overall point - as a parent, why are some risks ok to take and others not? Why is it ok to get blind drunk on a night out with friends and be hungover as hell for days"

Who thinks this is OK?

There are 'drunk threads' on a Friday, people laugh about 'big nights out' - alcohol is apparently socially acceptable. Yet mention cocaine and suddenly attitudes change dramatically.