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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make my husband promise not to take coke at a party.

157 replies

merryplopppins · 19/08/2012 20:02

Longish story will try to keep it brief.

My husband very occasionally indulges in a few lines of coke at parties. In my younger days I also did (bearing in mind this was pre kids) However, I feel that at 40 years old, he really ought to knock this kind of thing on the head. I am especially concerned as he has recently been under investigation for palpatations. I work in the medical field and I know how dangerous it is to mix alcohol with cocaine, in my opinion he would be completely irresponsble risking a heart attack when we have two small children to consider.
We spoke at length about this tonight, or rather i did. I gave him a long lecture and made him promise he would not take anything. To which he replied "well I won't buy any" This of course means he will have some if there is some going around.

Anyway now he is hardly speaking to me as we had a huge row about me trying to control what he does etc. etc. I am sure you can imagine.
Well AIBU???? Cos i bloody well don't think so!

OP posts:
Raspberrysorbet · 19/08/2012 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicinsomniac · 19/08/2012 20:59

I don't know if YABU or not, it's really hard to say.

I've only stopped taking coke in the past year and I'm 29 and a single mum of 2 children under 10. As horrifying as it sounds I just wasn't considering the consequences. I had lots of lectures but they didn't change me, it took a personal realisation of what I was doing and the potential consequences to make me stop.

So, while I can understand your worry, I actually think lecturing will do no good and your husband needs to come to his own senses.

ClogDancingCarrot · 19/08/2012 21:00

YANBU. Your husband is funding crime and putting his own health at risk. Drug are a dealbreaker for me.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 19/08/2012 21:03

Am I very very old?

I've never taken an illegal drug, and I sure as hell wouldnt date, let alone marry or have childen with someone who even dabbled in "recreational" drugs.

this is the one issue I do judge upon.

BridgetJonesPants · 19/08/2012 21:04

Taking any illegal drugs is stupid, and even more so when you have a young family.

Re life assurance policies, assuming you answered 'no' to the medical question "Have you ever taken illegal substances etc etc etc" your policy / claim would only be cancelled / repudiated if there was proof you had been using drugs prior to your policy starting, i.e., there is a comment in your medical records that state you were an occasional coke user and this was before your life policy started.

Please note, I am in no way suggesting people should lie on life assurance questionnaires.

hoops997 · 19/08/2012 21:06

YADNBU, drugs are a massive deal breaker for me

TalHotBrunette · 19/08/2012 21:06

It's interesting that your stance on it seems to have changed since having children, taking into account your responsibilities to your family (him) and your children yet he doesn't seem to feel the same. Personally I think he needs to grow up. Drugs are the monopoly of the young and care-free, not responsible family men.

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 21:10

I am sure you and he both know that his heart could just stop.
Apart from that coke is for wankers and makes people talk narcissistic shite.
YANBU

MrsKeithRichards · 19/08/2012 21:11

I wouldn't say it's an age thing, drugs are hardly a recent intention are they? It's more about what happens in your social company and what you see as acceptable or not.

It's not shocking or a deal breaker to me to know that another adult chooses to induldge in a substance that just happens to be illegal. But I know people who are shocked and disgusted by someone having a puff of a joint whilst they may well drink to excess on a regular basis.

Everyone's norms are different.

TalHotBrunette · 19/08/2012 21:17

It's not the legality of it for me although a drugs conviction is never a great thing for a parent, let's be honest. It's more the risky behaviour. When you are young your only responsibility is to yourself. When you are a parent you are responsible for other people so if you have a known medical condition and are acting out in a potentially disastrous way you are behaving selfishly and being reckless with others' lives as well as your own. That's the difference for me and I was a "recreational" coke user as a youngster.

Tigresswoods · 19/08/2012 21:22

I don't think it would invalidate your life insurance though it's worth checking the terms & conditions. It's a brave insurance company that doesn't pay a death claim... Can you imagine the publicity?

Let's obviously hope it doesn't come to that!

AllPastYears · 19/08/2012 21:28

After watching several episodes of Banged Up Abroad I'd never take illegal drugs these days. In my naive youth I thought only hardened criminals who deserved anything that came to them formed the supply chain... Oh, and Blow is similar. Johnny Depp's character deserves the fall out, but for some of the rest, the dealers who want to pull out and have their kids' lives threatened... scary stuff!

NumericalMum · 19/08/2012 21:29

Insurance companies won't pay a claim if it is as a result of something illegal. It would possibly get through if not checked but is it worth the risk?
Fwiw I had a similar argument about cannabis in Amsterdam with my DH. Neither of us have ever taken drugs before children but DH has some single friends and went on a "lads' weekend". Still fairly angry he ignored my concerns to prove he doesn't have to do what his wife asks tells him to. Angry

MAYBELATERNOWIMBUSY · 19/08/2012 21:33

Raspberrysorbet >>you nailed that one !!! "born again new mums eh , don"t do as i did ,do as i say !"coke tends too "leave " body reasonably quickly , hash stays FOREVER! ONCE A BANKROBBER , ALWAYS.......

MrsKeithRichards · 19/08/2012 21:35

Allpastyears that used to make me laugh, dinner parties with people lamenting the benefits of fairtrade and how they'd never buy primark clothes then out came the coke with no thought to the atrocities throughout the supply chain.

OHforDUCKScake · 19/08/2012 21:37

How often is this an issue?
If its once a year YABU.
If its once a month YANBU.

DP (in his 40's) And I used to do it a lot, but not since we had children. I think DP has once but if it was monthly Id feel the same as you.

Once you've had babies you just have to be good.

Traceymac2 · 19/08/2012 21:53

YANBU. What is acceptable in your own private life pre and post children is very different. I always feel that I must be capable of caring for my children should anything happen, that would not be possible under the influence of drugs. Once you have children they have to come first, it's a choice you make when you have them surely. I disagree its about what is socially acceptable in your circle when there are kids involved. I would go berserk if my dh was out taking coke with his friends, particularly with your dhs recent health history, he really is a heart attack waiting to happen. The main causes of heart attacks in people of his age are sudden adult death syndrome and coke use.

Margerykemp · 19/08/2012 22:02

He doesn't deserve to have kids.

If he wants the child free life he should fuck off out your lives.

MysteryThing · 19/08/2012 22:08

God almighty, I've not done coke for years nor have any urge to whatsoever, but honestly a lot of these replies make me want to just snort several nostrils-full right now. Hmm Sanctimonious isn't even the word!

exoticfruits · 19/08/2012 22:10

YANBU. He is a parent and an adult-he needs to grow up.

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 22:15

i know what you mean mysterything but coke is a class A drug same as heroin,
What would people be saying if the subject were heroin?
also what if something happened to one of the kids and the parents had to go to the hospital and hubby presented as off his head on a class A drug?
It's not like they wouldn't notice.
wouldn't go down a treat, would it?

MissBetseyTrotwood · 19/08/2012 22:16

Given his medical situation, you are right, it's a bad idea. It doesn't sound as though they've got to the bottom of why he's been having the palpitations either. Pretty much every cause of the palpitations, from depression to a heart condition will be made worse by excessive drinking or taking other drugs which happen to be illegal.

I don't think you were being unreasonable in the slightest to bring this to his attention. You can't make him promise anything though. He might not have been going to indulge but just didn't appreciate the lecture.

Whether or not you were unreasonable, you must be very concerned and upset, both about his health and the row you just had. I hope things resolve for the best.

Raspberrysorbet · 19/08/2012 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 19/08/2012 22:30

Not harsh-he should be responsible once he is a parent-even if he can't manage it before.

FreudianSlipper · 19/08/2012 22:32

the main concern is his heart palpitations long term coke use can cause heart problems

i do not see the harm in the odd line here and there. but in his situation he just should not be taking that risk and this is what you need to get through to him rather than you are a father and married now blah blah blah you choose to move on he has not does not make him a bad person(i assume he is not putting you or your children at risk) just a little immature