to make my husband promise not to take coke at a party.

[merryplopppins]

Longish story will try to keep it brief.

My husband very occasionally indulges in a few lines of coke at parties. In my younger days I also did (bearing in mind this was pre kids) However, I feel that at 40 years old, he really ought to knock this kind of thing on the head. I am especially concerned as he has recently been under investigation for palpatations. I work in the medical field and I know how dangerous it is to mix alcohol with cocaine, in my opinion he would be completely irresponsble risking a heart attack when we have two small children to consider.
We spoke at length about this tonight, or rather i did. I gave him a long lecture and made him promise he would not take anything. To which he replied "well I won't buy any" This of course means he will have some if there is some going around.

Anyway now he is hardly speaking to me as we had a huge row about me trying to control what he does etc. etc. I am sure you can imagine.
Well AIBU???? Cos i bloody well don't think so!

You are all basing your judgement on the assumption that OPs husband doesnt care if he dies...Im sure he does.

It basically comes down to how much control a wife should have over her husband. None in my opinion. You have every right to tell him your opinion but he doesn't have to listen. If you had posted that your husband had forbidden you from drinking any alcohol ever because he thought it was putting your health at risk and he had sanctimoniously quit drinking himself, everyone here would be saying he was a controlling bastard and to leave him.

Im sure he is fully aware of the risks.

If someone was telling their wife not to drink wine as she had a history of liver problems I don't think that would be crime of the century would it?

I think then in this case the OP has to make it clear what will happen if he continues and follow through with her actions.

interesting stats raspberry

If OP wants to leave her husband, thats up to her.

But I think you have all overreacted. And drug related deaths charts are ridiculous also. He could as easily die from crossing the road.

Its his choice. He is a grown man, and you cant marry him tolerating his drug use and then suddenly change your mind.

If the OP had, for example, a liver condition that made drinking alcohol dangerous I think plenty of people would think it irresponsible. If she was drinking to a level that compromised her safety, or endangered her health, or she acted illegally while drunk, or her actions rendered her unable to meet her family responsibilites, then her DH would be right to express concern.

people who use drugs routinely say "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow"-type excuses

in the grown-up and responsible world, they don't wash

and it doesn't mean that just because it's a regularly trotted-out cliche, we should take any more notice of it than "you can fuck off, because I am doing what I like despite your fears and concerns"

oh alcohol is the devil's brew, no doubt.....

where does this one stand in the stats ?

grown-up, responsible father of 2 with diagnosed health condition goes to party and has a few beers

too boring ?

I think it is important for partners to guide and manage their other halves. I really enjoy it when DH tells me not to eat cake because it makes me fat, and costs money that we could be spending on what he wants 'us' to spend it on. When he presents medical evidence to me that I am obese, then refers to me seeming more tired than I used to, I really love him more knowing that although he is making me feel like a child and permanently insulted he must be nice underneath it all. Problem is, when I tell all my pals they tell me to eat more cake to 'get back at him' and 'who is he to tell you what to do'.

What if the responsible father of two with a heart condition also wanted to participate in extreme sports?

I don't think this is about cocaine. The use of 'cocaine' in the OP could be replaced with virus other words.

It is about him putting himself at risk.

It is about him ignoring something being important to the family and his wife.

It is about her trying to control or lecture him.

Some of us are ok with a bit or even a lot of coke here and there some of us aren't.

I'm not anti drugs, I am however anti my dh with what sounds to be a heart concern putting further strain on his heart and risking his health and our family life. I would feel the same if it was alcohol and the liver or (struggling with my examples here, I've been on the wine) another takeaway and obesity.

He could die from crossing the road. But presumably he takes precautions to cross roads as safely as possible to minimise the risks. He could take a safer option here, but chooses not to because that would spoil his fun - and it's much easier to call your wife a nag than to face up to your own responsibilites.

we are not talking about anything else

we are talking about cocaine

never mind extreme sports

since crossing the road is pretty dangerous, we can't stop people doing that

which makes the "but what if he did this instead" argument pretty meaningless

instead has nothing to do with this

it isn't imperative this sad fucker snorts family money up his nose, at the expense of his family's bank account and security

he can do it anyway, of course he can

whether, as his partner, you should stick around, is another question

x posted with inertia, there

You're right, the OP shouldn't be lecturing to a grown up, 40 year old, married father.

She shouldn't need to.

Sorry - do we know the OP's financial situation? I know plenty of excellent parents that will indulge in various substances a few times a year. Professionals, highly educated, high-tax paying, contributing to society etc. They let their hair down from time to time, party like there's no tomorrow, then go back to working hard and looking after their children.

Not sure having a few lines of coke is particularly risky in the grand scheme of things.

Also, where does one draw the line? Should ALL parents, following birth of first child, relinquish any kind of risky behaviour? Should mountain climbers, bungy jumpers, deep sea divers, motorcyclists etc immediately cease such activities? Should parents shun all alcohol, fatty foods, sugar? What about if you go over the speed limit by 2mph - that's illegal and has risks.

Obviously the palpitations may raise concern about taking coke, fair enough. Perhaps stick to booze and a joint or something. But for all those having hysterics on this thread, relax a little......

middle class, professional drug-using is ok then ?

really ?

it's just as well they are "tax paying" individuals then...

But surely, if your partner is telling you that the particular activity you are engaging in is causing them great distress and concern you would have the decency to take this into consideration?