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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stand in the middle of the shops and scream 'stop fucking staring at him'

307 replies

DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:06

I won't. I've just had enough. DS has ASD. He has a regression at 3.5 he lost all his skills. He's now losing skills again at a rapid pace. I'm worried sick.

In McDonald's today after riding lesson he was making his autistic noises and two teenage girls were staring at him, pointing and laughing . I know they're just kids but it hurt. I opted for a hard state but they just laughed more so I ignored them.

Then on the way home I nipped into the corner shop, where all the shop assistants know us, he's usually fine there but now in the midst of another fucking horrible regression he can't seem to handle it there at all. He was shrieking and pulled a tin off the shelf and I was holding his hands in the queue to stop him (we had run out of milk I had no choice but to go) and some older woman was staring at him and shaking her head.

I wanted to shout at her 'what the actual fuck do you want me to do? He doesn't understand words, doesn't feel pain, I'm trying my hardest!'

I opted for standing in the queu and breaking down in tears.

Luckily the shop assistants came over and said I should ignore them not let people like that bother me etc etc.

I feel like i am now at breaking point and I had better not even leave the house because I just want to shout at them all to get on with it and leaVe us alone. Which will only make them think I'm someone who can't even control myself.

Just leave me alone.

OP posts:
Silibilimili · 19/08/2012 21:27

Some people stare not to be mean but for curiosity. Maybe they do not realise they are staring. The other thing is that sometimes, I don't want to seem mean so BlushI try and make eye contact. It's not staring. It's trying to acknowledge your presence. Now, of you then give me a sorry look, then you have a chip on your shoulder. Smiles go a
Long way to ease any situation. So maybe of the carers looked friendly, people may feel embarrassed to pass judgement or make comment.
There are people who care for people with disabilities who seem to go about with a chip on their shoulder. It can be tough to smile through tough times but it may make people like the OPS old ladies uncomfortable to comment.

50shadesofslapntickle · 19/08/2012 21:30

Yanbu at all and I am horrified that people could be so bloody cruel as to pint and laugh - they should be so ashamed of themselves. Also for saying something to them to show them up. I'm sorry you have experienced this but please know that most of us think this is disgusting behaviour and we would never do it, we would only wish we could help in some way. X

Glitterknickaz · 19/08/2012 21:37

Silibilimili have you read some of the experiences related on this thread?

I don't have a 'chip on my shoulder' - I have toughened up due to other people's completely unfair judgments about my children. I have three autistic kids so I hope you appreciate this happens a fair bit.

'staring for curiosity' - well I'd rather you didn't. I wouldn't be aggressive to anyone offering assistance, why should I? I'd actually be grateful for that.

And as for the bloke that criminally damaged my son's motability car - should I have grinned like a loon at him and that would have made it better?

Two thirds of cases people are openly aggressive, you'd grin inanely at them too?

FallenCaryatid · 19/08/2012 21:38

' It can be tough to smile through tough times'

No, really? Who would have thunk it? And when we can't then it's our fault if old ladies disapprove?
I do all my love and understanding of senior citizens when they are shopping at M&S in my lunch hour and I have 10 minutes left. Do I tut and roll my eyes? No, I eat my sandwich in the queue.
And a chip on our shoulder because of all the prior experiences we have built up?
That's armour you see, not a chip.

FallenCaryatid · 19/08/2012 21:39

Looking particularly lovely tonight with that fire in your eyes my lovely.
Marshmallow?

Glitterknickaz · 19/08/2012 21:41

Nah, too soft and fluffy..... chip maybe? Wink

FallenCaryatid · 19/08/2012 21:45

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqqryyxc8l1qeylawo1_1280.jpg

Can't cook chips on a stick, DS tried it at his scoutcamp.
Frozen oven chips. Didn't end well.
.

Glitterknickaz · 19/08/2012 21:46

ooh you got any sausages there?
(just sussed you)

insanityscratching · 19/08/2012 21:46

Well Silibili Glitter has pretty much summed up what I'd say.

Believe you and me I'd love to smile more through tough times and believe it or not my ds and dd bring me a huge amount of joy. Trouble is I'm not only watching my dc I'm also watching the idiots who are grinning inanely whilst eyeing up my children as if they are exhibits in a zoo.

Silibilimili · 19/08/2012 21:46

I do not mean to offend. I Understand and have experienced this myself from a carer perspective when out with a autistic cousin. By staring I meant looking. Sometime you don't realise you are staring. I 'look' at cute kids/ babies and like to get a smile or two if I am in a shopping queue. Similarly, if there is a 'different' person in a queue, I don't mind building up a conversation if it kills boredom. More often than not though I find the people who are caring for wheel chair bound etc avoid all eye contact, etcetc. I understand why. Probably because they have had a rough time or not pleasant experiences. But I wonder if it may change/challenge other peoples behaviour if the carer is a little friendlier? (I don't know the answer, just asking a question, and so not mean to offend)

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 21:48

The old lady stared, tutted and shook her head. You obviously haven't read later posts about nice helpful onlookers I have posted have you???

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 19/08/2012 21:48

No, I definitely don't go around staring at the floor etc. I'm actually one of the smile-at-cute-kid types. Doesn't stop the hostility though, unfortunately.

I only ever greet things I treat as hostile towards my family with returned hostility.

Silibilimili · 19/08/2012 21:51

My dd tried recently to talk to a boy at legoland who may have been autistic. Dd is 5, she does not know any better. She asked the boy a question, he did not respond (he was about 7) and she asked again (maybe 3 times) as she though she was not loud enough or was talking too fast. The boys mother gave us such a dirty look and said, he does not understand and pulled him away. That is not the way to raise awareness...

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 21:53

Oh but how do you it was a dirty look eh? From your earlier posts people obviously aren't capable of judging a look at all Wink

OP posts:
Shelly32 · 19/08/2012 21:53

People can be so cruel and judgemental. I don't have to deal with stares on a regular basis but when one or the other of my kids has a tantrum (apocolyptic) in public then that is bad enough. The shaking of heads, the mutters, the assumptions about why they are tantruming and why I cannot control it is bad enough. I CANNOT imagine what you go through on a regular basis. When it happens to me once every blue moon I want to scream and tantrum myself! People will always judge and make assumptions. Maybe developing a steel hard sheel might protect you a little. Try not to give a flying about other's view/opinions. It's hard but I think it can be done XX

insanityscratching · 19/08/2012 21:54

Trouble is though we are all worn down by negative experiences because they vastly outweigh the positives in my experience. I just want to do what I have to do and be as invisible as possible. When I'm with my NT children no one gives us a second glance I want just the same when I'm out with my ASD children too.

Bunnyjo · 19/08/2012 21:55

Silibilimili, sorry but going out with your autistic cousin is completely different to being a full-time parent to a child with Autism/ ASD. It is like me saying I know how they feel because my NT DD has suffered tantrums in the past - I don't have a clue how difficult their day-to-day life must be, I haven't felt the ignorance of people on a daily basis and I simply cannot comprehend my DD physically hurting me because she is so absolutely terrified and locked in this condition. It would be rude of me to suggest I even do.

Usually the staring and tutting happens when their child is experiencing a melt down due to Autism/ASD. I can imagine, at this point, that being friendly to strangers is the last thing on their mind. Staring and passing judgement is rude and ignorant, offering help and trying to understand isn't.

FallenCaryatid · 19/08/2012 21:56

I'm usually really friendly, open about DS and his AS, chatty and educational and all the rest. But he's academically able, at college doing A levels and can PFN a lot of the time, sleeps like a dream and always has. I have both the confidence and the cash to support him.
I'd never presume to post something like this:

'Smiles go a long way to ease any situation. So maybe if the carers looked friendly, people may feel embarrassed to pass judgement or make comment.
There are people who care for people with disabilities who seem to go about with a chip on their shoulder. It can be tough to smile through tough times but it may make people like the OPS old ladies uncomfortable to comment.'

to advise people whose children are nothing like mine and who face daily challenges that I can read about but not imagine. In the same way that you saying you understand because of your cousin is nothing like the 24/7 for life that many on this thread face. You are rather naive if you think that is in any way similar.

FallenCaryatid · 19/08/2012 21:59

'That is not the way to raise awareness...'

I like raising awareness, others just want to be left alone and allowed to live without having to continuously interact with members of the public.
I rescued one 4 year old who ran up and hugged my DS when he was around 12. Got there before she became airborne because she'd startled him, invaded his space and from his POV attacked him.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 21:59

Oh and sil staring at autistic children, well meaning or not hurts them, a lot of them anyway. It's like me going up and tapping your arm over and over and over in the same spot.

Their brains are wired differently. There's a REASON they don't like eye contact. I understand children staring, they're children, but you, an adult are hurting my child by staring at him and causing a meltdown and you then expect me to smile at you.

I actually would smile unless I judged to look to be a nasty one, and I would say. 'sorry he doesn't like to be looked at'

But others might not have that strength.

OP posts:
Silibilimili · 19/08/2012 22:06

No, I don't go around staring at children with difficulties. But if I am in a queue at m&s, I smile at the carer or make eye contact with carer.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 22:08

So how do you know that the mother of the child who could have had autism, but also could have not spoken English gave you a dirty look, but carers aren't smart enough to know if other people are giving them dirty looks or smiling at them then?

I'm confused sil

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2012 22:09

I don't have any autistic relatives (that I know of), certainly no autistic children. Therefore, the onus is on me to educate myself if I need or want to know more about autistic children, and the onus is on me to try to respond appropriately to parents out and about with their children.

Surely?

I don't get why parents need lecturing about the right way to 'raise awareness' or how they should smile more. It seems a bit patronizing.

saintlyjimjams · 19/08/2012 22:10

My son was recently told to 'fuck off' one one occasion and screamed at on another so I don't think I'm particularly misjudging responses, or walking around with a chip on my shoulder. People make their responses fairly clear ime.

And yes we come across plenty of pleasant people as well, but that doesn't mean the negative reactions are imagined.

Silibilimili · 19/08/2012 22:11

I also agree that I don't have to deal with what a carer does 24/7. I understand what you are saying and can empathise. I am just trying to put another view point forward. Again, I do not mean to offend.