To want to stand in the middle of the shops and scream 'stop fucking staring at him'

[DozyDuck]

I won't. I've just had enough. DS has ASD. He has a regression at 3.5 he lost all his skills. He's now losing skills again at a rapid pace. I'm worried sick.

In McDonald's today after riding lesson he was making his autistic noises and two teenage girls were staring at him, pointing and laughing . I know they're just kids but it hurt. I opted for a hard state but they just laughed more so I ignored them.

Then on the way home I nipped into the corner shop, where all the shop assistants know us, he's usually fine there but now in the midst of another fucking horrible regression he can't seem to handle it there at all. He was shrieking and pulled a tin off the shelf and I was holding his hands in the queue to stop him (we had run out of milk I had no choice but to go) and some older woman was staring at him and shaking her head.

I wanted to shout at her 'what the actual fuck do you want me to do? He doesn't understand words, doesn't feel pain, I'm trying my hardest!'

I opted for standing in the queu and breaking down in tears.

Luckily the shop assistants came over and said I should ignore them not let people like that bother me etc etc.

I feel like i am now at breaking point and I had better not even leave the house because I just want to shout at them all to get on with it and leaVe us alone. Which will only make them think I'm someone who can't even control myself.

Just leave me alone.

My brothers are both Aspergers. My mum considered getting one of those T-shirts that says 'Im not naughty, I have Aspergers' on it for my youngest brother. Have you joined any support groups? They can be really helpful. Also, my mum found that certain foods used to really affect my brother, and my cousin who is autistic can not eat anything orange because it causes him to act as though he is high. If you havent already, it might be worth looking in too. x

There is a series of programmes on bbc4 about Autism. There was a little boy at the end who was dx as having Aspergers by a private c.inical psychologist, who reminds me of my friends ds. My friends ds is basically lie the little boy and they are having a lot of problems. He is not dx with anything not seeing any specialists. Might ask my friend to watch t as I have it recorded

YANB!!!
My God if I'd been in your position I do t think I would have been able to help myself going over to them and teaching them some ruddy manners!!

I will look into the foods definitely!

I watched a programme last week... Are they all on autism or just the first one

Fallen your DS sounds fab.

DS2 used to have a thirst that said "Autistic by day, deadly ninja by night"

*tshirt stoopid auto correct

Yes, my DS is fantastic.
However, we have had numerous exciting and dramatic meltdowns in public, at school and when he felt trapped and cornered.
Like the time he was on the verge of a meltdown and needed to leave a y8 class, was denied and denied the right and he ran. The supply teacher saw him bolting and...stood in the way roaring 'Stop right now'
DS dropped his shoulder and kept going and 6' of prime British Beef hit the floor.

There was also the dinghy incident, and the door incident and the dog incident and...

Meant to also say I've seen people with seemingly badly behaved kids in the supermarket and have heard others whisper things like "Why can't that parent control their horrible brat?" I always want to go over and say "Instead of judging do you not think the child may be spectrum and so can't help it and the parent is doing the best they can?"

I often want to offer support to the parent in those situations but never do as afraid they may take offence. Any views on that? Would be good to know as if it would be appreciated (ok do t know what I could do but...) then I will do in future, but like I said I don't want to offend.

You could just say 'Can I do anything to help' and then leave without getting huffy or insulted if the answer is a snarled 'Nooo' Because sometimes your society manners slip if you are controlling a major incident and interaction can make things so very much worse.
And smile if you see them again in less hideous circumstances.

Pro I wouldn't be offended if someone did anything at all well meaning.

Maybe say 'is there anything I can do?' or 'do you need me to get you anything?'

'"Why can't that parent control their horrible brat?" I always want to go over and say "Instead of judging do you not think the child may be spectrum and so can't help it and the parent is doing the best they can?"'

Then you run the risk of that parent being offended at your implication that their spirited and lively child is in some way defective and on the spectrum.

Unwritten rule at ds's last school was if ds looks like he is about to bolt clear the pathway His classmate who thought it would be fun to grab his bag which caused him to bolt was told in no uncertain terms just how fortunate he was that he bolted and that should he decide to try it again not one member of staff would attempt to rescue him from the inevitable mauling.

What was the dinghy incident? Sounds interesting....

That's why I don't shout at the mutterers FC

Yes I agree I could just ask and then get walk away without offence if snarled at - I understand snarls in those situations are often more to do with the situation being overwhelming than bad manners. For example, (different situation but...) I once saw a man crying on the steps of a train station and approached asking if he was ok... Was told in no uncertain terms to "PISS OFF!" do walked away. No offence taken, he was upset and wanted to be left alone, fair doos as a patent might not want someone else, especially a stranger helping with their child as they know what to do.

The man in tesco last Friday said 'do you need some help love or are you coping?' that was a good line. Although as DS had me in a headlock and was ripping out handfuls of hair I obviously needed help.

I feel like i am painting DS in a very bad light. He has some lovely qualities too

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, so apologies if this as already been suggested. My SIL is a carer for a little boy with FAS and continuously has people stare and comment when she is shopping. She got so fed up with this that she had business cards made up and politely hands these out to people who stare or comment. On one side it says "I have FAS" on the other side it gives a brief description of the symptoms.

Oh Dozy, you sound like you're doing an amazing job. Are there any playgroups where you can meet other parents of Autistic children?

I have a ds with add. He has a full time statement of sen but has been through 3 schools in as many years and has not been in school since February (lea failing him miserably). We have tried methylphenidate without success and are getting nowhere with managing his symptoms. It still baffles and annoys me that in this so called days of enlightenment and political correctness that mental health issues are so non understood and judged. If any child or adult has a physical disability it seems that sympathy responses and understanding are more than forthcoming, but if the difficulty is more complex, then people have no clue and almost think it is not as valid or as hard to cope with. Sadly,
equality does not apply across the board in this country.

Thanks everyone. I am in a lovely support group in the north west run by parents of autistic children. I help out there and love it. I just needed a bloody good rant with the halo off

Janji - I wouldn't say that Autism or ADD/ADHD are mental health issues - it is shown on brain scans that the brain of someone with these conditions doesn't 'connect' or develop in the same way as an NT DC's. Therefore IMO they are physical disabilities in just the same way as if someone's leg didn't form in the same way IYSWIM.

It is widely accepted that these disabilities are not MH issues these days. Not that there is anything wrong with having MH issues either, mind you.

aawww Dozy you've had a shit day, gawpers can really get you down.

I have a 8 year old DS with severe autism, non verbal, and LOUD. I shout at people who stare, I sort of justify that if they are so rude as to stare and tut at a child who so obviously have learning difficulties, then I'll pull them up on it. I had to tell an entire Helsinki-London flight to stop gawping, which they did (scared of a clearly unhinged mother of three)

Janji. ASD isn?t a mental health issue, though people with ASD are also likely to need help to have good mental health, because they live in a world that often makes little sense for them, and treats them poorly and as as a problem.

I have to say I?m laughing grimly at the idea of If any child or adult has a physical disability it seems that sympathy responses and understanding are more than forthcoming.
Trust me, it really isn?t the case, including when slogging it out with LEA?s. It
can even be used against the parent to try and not meet the child?s needs.

I?m in a wheelchair, (through accident) as is one DD mainly, who was born with epilepsy and RA, but is now seriously brain damaged.
(I feel the need to specify that my disabilities were acquired post mine and their births, because of the number of people who like to tell me I was selfish to have children in my situation.)

I can also often be found out with my six and a half foot late teen with ASD. He looks and sounds NT from a distance, but a lot's being faked to 'pass', and when he can?t cope, he resorts to jumping up and down on the spot flapping his huge long arms like a distressed albatross, screeching at me. (this is actually progress as his arms used to be rigidly pinned against his sides, hands at shoulder level, and there was just keening.)

I can promise you that people?s responses to this isn?t pleasant, but their reactions to discovering his parent/carer is in a wheelchair definitely don?t include sympathy or understanding for either of us. Generally the polite translation is ?we shouldn?t be out.?

Visible disabilities don't get treated with any more compassion by poor LEA's, or yucky people.
Please don?t get sucked into believing another 'type' of disability gets some sort of easier ride, it just furthers 'nothing can be done' attitudes, and is a way of getting you to lose focus on getting your child?s needs, visible, or invisible, met.

Divided and ruled = conquered and controlled.

I have had so much of this in the five years since Autism entered our lives.

Every cutting remark, shook head and tut turned to callouses. The only thing that has penetrated that has been when someone criminally damaged our motability car for daring to use a blue badge bay - that still shook me.

But now they get a death stare and "my children have their autism to blame for their lack of social skills, what is your excuse?"

Nobody ever knows what to say

Can't offer support, only sympathy. It's really really hard. It's a kind of double whammy - parenting is much tougher with an autistic child than an NT one, and on top of that instead of getting help from other people you just get tutted at as if it's all down to your bad parenting.

There's a lovely book by Charlotte Moore called George and Sam about bringing up two severely autistic sons, and she used to get this a lot - other people assuming that the child is very badly behaved and refusing to believe that they're autistic. As if "autistic" is just a euphemism for "naughty".

Glitter have had awful experiences particularly with old people when using ds's blue badge and I only use it when desperate. Many times I've been told they will report me (it's totally legitimate) and one particular old bloke spooked ds and made him bolt and it was just luck that he didn't get run over. How I didn't thump him, when he then had the cheek to point out he could run so the badge was a fake I'll never know.

Fallen your DS sounds like an absolute credit to you - what a lovely young man.

OP - I cannot abide people staring and tutting, it's rude and ignorant. You sound like you are doing a bloody sterling job and you, and your lovely DS, will turn the corner. My heart goes out to you.

DD (4yo) has seen children suffering with autism and, whilst she has asked questions, she doesn't stare and understands that all children are different - no better or worse, just different. It is a parent's responsibility to teach this, acceptance and understanding is an important lesson to learn.

Not the same, but there is a girl in DD's school with DS (she is 7) and DD asked the TA's to teach her a bit of makaton so she could also talk to her - I was very proud of DD when I was told that.