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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stand in the middle of the shops and scream 'stop fucking staring at him'

307 replies

DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:06

I won't. I've just had enough. DS has ASD. He has a regression at 3.5 he lost all his skills. He's now losing skills again at a rapid pace. I'm worried sick.

In McDonald's today after riding lesson he was making his autistic noises and two teenage girls were staring at him, pointing and laughing . I know they're just kids but it hurt. I opted for a hard state but they just laughed more so I ignored them.

Then on the way home I nipped into the corner shop, where all the shop assistants know us, he's usually fine there but now in the midst of another fucking horrible regression he can't seem to handle it there at all. He was shrieking and pulled a tin off the shelf and I was holding his hands in the queue to stop him (we had run out of milk I had no choice but to go) and some older woman was staring at him and shaking her head.

I wanted to shout at her 'what the actual fuck do you want me to do? He doesn't understand words, doesn't feel pain, I'm trying my hardest!'

I opted for standing in the queu and breaking down in tears.

Luckily the shop assistants came over and said I should ignore them not let people like that bother me etc etc.

I feel like i am now at breaking point and I had better not even leave the house because I just want to shout at them all to get on with it and leaVe us alone. Which will only make them think I'm someone who can't even control myself.

Just leave me alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:30

I know some people are looking trying to help Smile I do try and remember that. But when it's so obvious like this I don't know what to do myself.

When I broke down the woman left as she had already paid.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:31

Dozy I really feel for you, my DD list her skills at just before 3.

All I can say is just don't look at them. Or get some cards made up to hand out. Or if it helps you, snap at them and make them bloody think how awful they are.

We get the same, DD grabbed some spoons in a cafe although we were hanging on to her, a man was shaking his head and tutting

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:34

I see a counsellor once a week which has really helped, can discuss such incidents, is free through car
er centre here.

Also he could be regressing due to.lack of routine of holidays, I know it will bring all the pain back though. Do call paed if you are worried.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:35

Sorry, phone is terrible for posting on. Do PM Mr if you want to talk to someone who has been there, and is there

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:35

Fanjo what I don't understand is why do they think a NT 6 year old would act like that? They wouldn't! I know some 6 year olds have had a hard time etc but I'd rather they shook their heads at me! Because surely if a child that age acts like that it's either a disability, very poor parenting or the poor thing has just had a lot to deal with in a short space of time.

And if it's a 3 year old then they're a 3 year old. As long as children are being checked (I was stood holding DSs hands saying 'stop DS' in a firm voice) surely a heads hake isn't helping anyone?

OP posts:
babybythesea · 19/08/2012 13:35

I've been that bystander.
I stood there wondering desperately whether to pretend I hadn't seen was best, or whether to step up and say something - but what? "Can I help?" "Are you ok?" Don't want to make someone feel as though I think they can't cope (even if at that moment you can't, it's not nice to think strangers are thinking that about you with your own child). Or would a sympathetic smile be enough? Would that be seen as laughing at someone?
In the event, as I decided to go and ask if the Mum needed help, Dad showed up and took the little boy out of the shop while Mum finished the shopping.

Horrible morning for you. I hope your DS is feeling calmer now. And you.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:35

pM ME I mean, silly phone

FutTheShuckUp · 19/08/2012 13:36

Dozy duck please don't feel bad about the possibility of medication. He may need it FOR NOW and not always! You wouldn't think twice about giving a child anti biotics/anti convulsants to help a physical issue, this is no different

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:37

Dozyduck, people just never seem to think walking kids have SN EVER, don't know why.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 19/08/2012 13:38

Summer holidays are tough aren't they?

Yanbu.
But at least you are in the right and hey are in the wrong.
Teenage girls should know better.

I know you want to shout and tbh a swift fuck off! Fits the bill.
But mostly you feel better if you don't. I always prefer to walk away with a pithy comment (but they need practicing )

If he needs meds, he needs them. You haven't failed.

As an aside, we were asked what strategies we used when people stared at our kids (at an asd support group).
I offered 'he's autistic you nob'

Raised a laugh anyway :)

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:39

Babybythesea any of the above would be fine. I like to think I'm pretty good at judging if people are seeing if they could help (like the lovely little elderly couple who stood fidgeting and looking and I sat on the floor restraining DS while he took chunks out of my arm in the town centre)

I don't think anyone would get cross at you seeing if you can help. Or maybe just say 'you're doing a good job with him' like an elderly man said when DS was flapping about in the woods and I explained why he wasn't saying 'good morning' back. That was a really nice thing to hear actually

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:39

The man who tutted at us clearly believed an NT 7 year old (DD is 5 but very tall) would stop at.nothing so grab some teaspoons and wave them in front of her face for ages

lovebunny · 19/08/2012 13:42

i don't know what to say. supportive thoughts for you and your ds.

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:42

I think I have PMed you fanjo.

'he's autistic you nob' that's quite funny.

Thing is with DS he has a major buggy, an SN harness and he's the size of a 7/8 year old.

I have snapped once. And I felt better for about a second, then felt guilty for showing that person up if they genuinely didn't know Sad

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 19/08/2012 13:43

this is so awful no excuse i can hardly beleive this is happeningnow in 2012 but i know it does :(

do you have support yourself? you need to deal with your own feelings too i very much hope you do

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:44

The thing is as well the woman who shook her head at me actually pushed in front of us in the queue in the first bloody place! So it isn't just DS who has poor social skills Sad

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:44

You have, have replied.

People seem blind to harnesses and things , its weird.

TandB · 19/08/2012 13:45

Poor little bugger. Do any of these people ever stop to think that in distressing the child's mother they are inevitably making things worse for the child? Even if they thought they were witnessing a NT child having a tantrum, surely it occurs to people that winding up a stressed parent is going to make things worse.

Could you bring yourself to hit these situations head-on, OP? I had a lot of operations on my leg as a child and I reacted badly to the anesthetics and my hair went all brittle and frizzy and fell out. Before it grew back people tended to stair and comment. My mum used to get upset but my gran used to go on the offensive and say things like "Is there anything you want to say about my wheelchair-bound, four year-old grandchild or are you just going to stand there staring at her?"

I know it would be drawing attention to your son in a negative way but would it make you feel a bit more in control to say to people like the old lady "I can see you are shaking your head. Do you have anything you want to say about my disabled child?"

Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:45

Freudian I don't feel like I have much support at the moment. I'm in a very new relationship but DS hasn't met him etc, and he's not a talker. DSs dad is going through a relationship breakdown at the moment (DS doesn't know yet) so I don't want to put on him right now. My mum is on holiday and the only support we had from services has been stopped due to funding

OP posts:
Original poster
DozyDuck · 19/08/2012 13:47

Kingfu I like that reply 'I see you're shaking your head' I wonder of I can trust myself to stay calm enough to say that in a calm fashion so it doesn't some out as 'whine whine sniff sniff'

OP posts:
PeggyCarter · 19/08/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummyinspain · 19/08/2012 13:48

I know this may not work very well,

One of my Godchildren has very bad touretts.

We made up little (a5) laminated cards. I can't remember word for word but I do remember the last line was something along the lines of

"so I can't help my behaviour, but you didn't have to judge me or my mum"

Basically there where written in such a fasion that the person reading them would have felt like a right arsehole (justifiably)

I KNOW I really KNOW (I'm disabled by the way) that you have better things to do than educated people all the time, but it may just help at the moment when things are not going so well.

I have no experience of Autism so I can't offer any real help. But don't worry about the stupid women.

NarkedRaspberry · 19/08/2012 13:48

( Hugs )

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2012 13:48

I am starting to find the idea of a printed card explaining that DD is not being naughty but has a disability appealing. Can just hand it to people then leave.

Apart from that we need to grow a think rhino hide. DD likes to grab strange men on the arse and also rush at babies and steal their food.

TandB · 19/08/2012 13:50

DozyDuck - practice in front of a mirror maybe? Imagine every arsehole who has ever made you feel like this and get angry.

Puddlejumper - I come from a long line of notoriously stroppy women. My mum was about the first quiet, gentle one in about 3 generations!