To want to stand in the middle of the shops and scream 'stop fucking staring at him'

[DozyDuck]

I won't. I've just had enough. DS has ASD. He has a regression at 3.5 he lost all his skills. He's now losing skills again at a rapid pace. I'm worried sick.

In McDonald's today after riding lesson he was making his autistic noises and two teenage girls were staring at him, pointing and laughing . I know they're just kids but it hurt. I opted for a hard state but they just laughed more so I ignored them.

Then on the way home I nipped into the corner shop, where all the shop assistants know us, he's usually fine there but now in the midst of another fucking horrible regression he can't seem to handle it there at all. He was shrieking and pulled a tin off the shelf and I was holding his hands in the queue to stop him (we had run out of milk I had no choice but to go) and some older woman was staring at him and shaking her head.

I wanted to shout at her 'what the actual fuck do you want me to do? He doesn't understand words, doesn't feel pain, I'm trying my hardest!'

I opted for standing in the queu and breaking down in tears.

Luckily the shop assistants came over and said I should ignore them not let people like that bother me etc etc.

I feel like i am now at breaking point and I had better not even leave the house because I just want to shout at them all to get on with it and leaVe us alone. Which will only make them think I'm someone who can't even control myself.

Just leave me alone.

What a great shop assistant. I know how much just having a toddler and the looks you get can affect how you feel so I can only imagine what it's like for you.

Do you want to borrow my dd2? She's 16. I'm so proud of her because she'll tell people what she thinks and would certainly have pointed out to the lady in the shop that she was being rude and intolerant and that she could have dealt with it better. Won't stand for that kind of behaviour, even if it's towards people she's never met before. Wish I was more like her.

Some people have no manners and no understanding. Sad for them.

I'd love to borrow your DD2 goingmad

Sorry to hear of your rubbish day OP, I have been reading this thread over night (newborn baby) and it has really been interesting to hear of others experiences. DD1 has LDs and SPD so supermaerkets send her over the edge.

I am going to change my approach as realise I have been looking at it the wrong way, getting angry at her etc when most of it she can't help. My qualiity of life would improve dramatically if I could taker her out without fear of her running off, slamming the trolley into the wall, lying on the floor, pulling my hair etc and she is too big for me to do that much when she's like that. I try so hard with rewards etc it is exhausting, like you I avoid when possible and just getthrough it but it is so so stressful that it is made worse by peoples ignorance. I have been picking up tips from this thread!

Used2bthin, sorry to hear you're finding it hard too have you considered buying a crelling walking harness to keep hold of her so she can't run off? Mine was £50 but I have used it every day for about 6 months! Thinking of the price/days used that's pretty good

I think your best bet is to grow a very thick skin and completely ignore people, any reaction could make things worse and if someone turns aggressive you'll be in no position to deal with it while trying to manage your son.

I know it's not the same but I get stared at lots when I'm out because I walk with sticks or use a wheelchair, I always worry about people thinking I'm faking it. You have to keep telling yourself that these people mean nothing to you, their opinion is completely irrelevant to your life and in fact they deserve your pity since they apparently have nothing better to do than pass judgement on a stranger so their lives must be very empty and depressing. You're far too busy being getting on with your own wonderful (if rather challenging!) life to give a crap what these unfortunate idiots think. It takes practice but you can learn not to care.

Fallen that story about your son and the supermarket is brilliant and lovely.

I have got absolutely bugger all to really contribute to this conversation as I don't have any experience of it but it just seems utterly shit that you're being expected to not just get through the day but a) put up with people staring and b) educate those ignorant people. Obviously if you want to educate, that's great, but I think I'd be a bit fucked off with people assuming that I should be responsible for educating ignorant twats.

(Having said that, I didn't know about the staring hurting, I knew eye contact could be an issue etc but I didn't really understand what it was like. So ha, you've educated me anyway. But what do I know).

Sounds like you're having to put up with a lot of shit and I wish you didn't have to. I wish there were more positive stories on this thread.

I also have an ASD son and every time I take him out it feels like we are on stage. The staring is so awful sometimes it makes me want to hide under a rock for ever. Recently I snapped (actually yesterday - probably at the exact same moment as the OP) a girl aged about nineteen was staring so rudely and openly at him whilst we were waiting in a queue and I learnt forward and stared at her in the same way. It worked like a charm - she looked very sheepish and moved away.

Sorry - should be "leaned forward"

dozy. with my kids things have become much easyer as they got older the appointment day was rather rare,any hit outs tend to be accidental think having a megga melt down and arms failing about rather than actual efforts to hit anybody. (however there is one girl who lives round the corner who is a bit of a target for one of the younger ones but she did do something very very mean to him when he was in mainstream so we make sure we avoid her).

i think it would be very wrong to say they need less support because they do but its just in a different way.

often meltdowns are far more noisey than they used to be but ine it tends to be much easyer to reasure a 13yo and above than it does a 5yo younger kids are far more wiggly and as bodys are so little you tend to get hurt abit more iyswim? it may look scareyer when they are bigger but they dont tend to impact other than the initial thud.(well at least i know what i mean .

ive never had to turn my home into a prison or anything like that there are so many helpfull things that dont really change a home enviroment stuff like zacsbeds and the harness you have (they are brilliant by the way i have a few simmerler ones) i found when i put an alarm on the doors it made nights easyer all the nt adults/kids can do the button so no alarms go off anybody that cant i know instantly where they are so i havent sat up all night (without needing to) just because of what might happen anymore, with a much younger child i probally still would.

fwiw as soon as i stopped looking at other peoples kids and comparing, it kinda shifted my mindset to the point that whats normal for others shouldnt matter because its not normal for our house. ive been looking at my tiny 5 months old and there are so many simmerler things to the asd kids years ago i would have dwelled on it fretted about it but now my mindset is more "oh well lets wait and see" but im not bothered in the slightest and either way it will just be normal for us.

if you think about the skills you have gained as a direct result of asd your head should swell massively because im pretty sure that if you really think about it you know that there is not much in life that can throw you nor is there much that you cant deal with.

Actually I've just remembered something that makes me
DS2 was having a good day so he could walk a short distance, with a wriststrap to stop him bolting (this really doesn't happen often, he has to use a wheelchair nearly every time which means I can't go out with all three on my own as DD needs a major buggy too).

So I had DD in her major buggy, DS1 holding onto one handle pogoing and shouting at the top of his voice, DS2 dangling off the other side doing dog impressions (he calls the wrist strap his 'lead') and barking, and DD laughing shrilly in the middle.

We were walking up the main street of the town we live - it was really busy and people parted like a bow-wave in front of us. With looks of incredulity on their faces. There may have been hostility but meh, I was finding it all too funny...

Thanks everyone. I really do hope it gets easier! It's just random things that make me cringe...like the weeping in the street thread. I know DS has done this and what people must (rightly is he was NT) think.

Popping back to let you know I had a better day :) went into town and DS played on the 'beach' (huge sandpit) and everyone smiled and stayed away from him and then we met up with friends and went to the park.

Inevitably DS pushed my friends daughter a couple of times and was taken straight into time out. While he was sitting in time out and my friends daughter was saying 'can he come out yet?' a family came into the otherwise empty park. DS finished his time out and I held onto his harness as although pushing my friends daughter and going straight to time out to teach him is ok (agreed by parents to help him, there son has severe autism) I don't want him pushing other peoples children at all.

He wanted to go on the slide but there was a toddler on it so I was making him wait till the toddler had completely gone down before letting him up the steps (in case of pushing) and the parents clocked me.

DS then went up the steps and their other child decided to run up the slide right into DSs space to see his toy. I held DSs arms and legs (he will just kick out and its high up for the child) and said 'waiting DS' and the parent ran over and said 'that little boy was waiting come out of his face' and then apologised to me!

It was really nice that they clocked that I was trying to get through without incident and was safeguarding the other children and they came to make sure it wasn't harder for DS (by their child coming to see his toy)

It was really nice of them.

really glad to hear that :)

Thanks dozyduck, I think that was suggested when I had a thread in sn recently)about dangerous car behaviour but would work for both)-may consider that . I also had quite a good day with dd1 managing a party, even the leaving part! Painful to watch her there in terms of how different but without the strain of her finding it too much at least whilst there.

Hi, coming to this thread late - but wanted to say really glad you had a better day.

The staring gets to me too - my 3yr has a facial birthmark. It's the people who nearly twist their head off walking past who get to me. I think it's natural to notice what is percieved as not being "normal" looking or behaviour, but what happened to manners / decency - I was taught to stare at anyone was rude.

I take the approach at smiling at people who stare and if they don't smile back, they get the death glare. I want my DS to learn how to deal with people like this in a non-agressive way, but tbh as he is becoming more aware of things - I'm getting more pissed off and defensive.

I have noticed that children don't normally stare or simply ask what the birthmark is - maybe there is a school education need here as the adults definately seem worse.

You sound like a lovely, caring & very hardworking mum and I hope you get more good days than bad. You do really appeciate the people who interprete the situation right or are simply kind enough to talk about it.

Can I also add to the list - people who presume that loud parenting is pushy parenting. I have stopped reading any of the "performance/pushy/loud" parenting threads on mumsnet as they make me want to cry.

Yes I maybe talking very loudly to my very young child about how to spell words like pavement - that is because if I don't keep his attention as we walk along the road, he may walk out in front of traffic.

Yes I maybe talking loudly to my very young son as we walk around the supermarket about what foods he eats, and yes, some of them may be exotic or fancy food for a young child to eat: This is because

1. I have to talk fairly loudly and constantly to him - to stop him running rings round the trolley or swinging off the shelves
2. He hardly eats at all, and what he does eat is unusual for a child his age - so I am just trying to engage with him, and involve him in the process, which keeps his attention and just maybe increases the possibility that he might eat someone.

DS has hidden special needs. Please stop assuming that just because a woman is talking loudly and not necessarily age appropriately to a small child that she is showing off!

Mu ds is now 19 /He was diagnosed at 3 with severe asd.We have had nay ups and downs over the years and periods of violence etc.He is on 0.5mg of Risperedone twice a day since last year and it has been a godsend.I know what you are going through and it can be hellish , But he could progress again and just try to ignore the starers they don1t know they are living .If someone stares too hard I say oh do you know ds? and they usually get flustered and GO AWAY

Oh poor you some people are dicks. Sorry you are having such a hard time x

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories.ive heard of risporine (name from memory maybe wrong) but heard it causes excessive weight gain? I'm not sure how true that is just looked briefly

I agree, bumptious. Similar situation here.

Yes it can but my son has not put too much on .It is definately a pros and cons thing and the pros really outweigh the cons at the moment .It took a lot of soul searching to put him on it but it was a nightmare at the time and he is back to his old self now minus the violence and smashing things up trying to leap off high things etc

DozyDuck, perhaps those people who shake their heads and tut assume the behaviour is brattish and caused by bad parenting rather than ASD. I mean I didn't even know what ASD meant let alone what the symptons are and doubt I'm alone in that respect. My suggestion would be to calmly inform them that he has ASD as that way they then know not to assume in future, it's not confrontational and you've educated the ignorant.

Why shouldn't you just be able to get on with your day without having to factor in 'educating the ignorant' along with getting to school, buying some milk, going to the park?

I've admitted earlier on this thread, that I don't have much experience of this. But I don't think that anyone should see it as their duty to educate - brilliant if you want to, but it seems to me (an outsider, let's not forget, so if I'm wrong I hope that someone will just tell me to belt up) that it kind of confers blame on the parent if they don't take the time to explain what's going on to complete strangers who are too rude to keep their comments and disapproving looks to themselves.

Wine, why should I go around telling people my child has ASD? I haven't even told my own child he has it yet. I don't want him to think that there's an excuse for his behaviour and get 'naughty boy syndrome' you know the type 'I can't help it because I have x'

I know it is an excuse but I don't want him to think that.

After 14 years, you get fucking fed up of trying to calmly educate people when you are in the middle of dealing with SN already stressful situation with a child in meltdown, or overwhelmed with noise and people and lights, just to get through a 'normal' day, so adding the extra stress on top of trying to stay calm with someone ignorant who can't be bothered to see what's right in front of them (a child with obvious SN, as how many nearly 9yo's luck random people's jumpers, or 14yo's have a screaming thrashing on the floor tantrum?!), is just the straw that breaks the camel's back in my case.

If the tutters and catsbumfacers would kindly fuck off and Google rather than ask me, or expect ME to calmly explain, when I have enough shit to try to stay calm through, it would be greatly appreciated!!