do not like being called first name by my friends kids

[dafi]

well....

Hecate - sure tyere's more to friendship than having a gossip over a cup of tea?

My post was not intended to detail two peoples interactions over a cup of tea. It was intended to give examples of a few of the many ways in which friends interact and support one another.

Is there more to friendship than having a gossip over a cup of tea? Yes, and I still can't imagine any circumstance under which I would be the friend of a child.

Friend LY, yes. Caring, yes. Nice, yes. Kind, yes. I would give of myself to a child but I would not take emotionally from a child.

So no. I cannot be the friend of a child. I am an adult. I live in the adult world. My thoughts, fears, feelings, perspectives, etc are those of an adult. I want to be friends with people I can have a drink with, or discuss politics with, or who I can crack a risque or obscure joke with. I can't imagine calling a 10 year old at home and saying hey, do you want to come over later? Or leaning on their shoulder if I am having a bad day. (I would of course help a child who needed help, but I would not call on a child for help) And the fundamental principle of a friendship is that it is a give and take, 2 way relationship.

I can't be mates with someone who wants to play power rangers or thinks that nano hexbugs are like soooo cool, dude. or who has a 10pm bedtime or who giggles at boobies and farts. That's just not my world.

Friendship is a two way, equal relationship between two people who get one another. I cannot see how that can exist between a person approaching 40 and someone perhaps not in double figures yet. There is a imbalance there that, imo, stops that from being possible.

that is not to say that I cannot like them. Children are great and can be a lot of fun. They can make me laugh a lot. I can and do like very many children. There are children I think are great, lovely. There are children whose personalities, character traits, I admire greatly, but they are not my pals.

Lol! It's not very common to NOT be called first name by friends kids is it?

No, I don't want to 'take' from a child either, but I have had some amazing and enlightening conversations with children. Children can teach us adults masses if we open our hearts to the possibility that they may well be wiser than us in many ways.

Maybe this is just about differences in yours and mine definition of a friend.

I think you are right, Flamingo. I think that is exactly what it is.

I agree with what you say - children can be amazing. But - by my own feelings about what makes a friendship - they cannot be my friend.

I think I mean that I can have an equal and mutually pleasant conversation with a child about some things and I would think it very odd if they treated me as superior to them by calling me Mrs Bingo when such conversations are possible IYSWIM.

A child is not a friend. Yes Flamingo, they can bring joy and say the cutest things and look at things differerently. But they are still children. Kids need to know that someone is in control and can keep them safe. They are not our equals and it does them no favours to act as if they are.

Maybe we're a weird family (!!) but none of my real nephews and nieces call me Aunt Baskets. This is slightly oddly one of the only areas of the whole parenting/aunting/uncling shebang that DH and I agreed on when we got together. When we met we both already had nieces and nephews.

Years later, when I had my own Dcs I had a really weird phone convo with my then best friend (sadly the friendship deteriorated after that - we're still friends, just less close) when she said she wanted my DCs to call her 'Auntie X' as our mutual friend's DCs do. I laughed, genuinely thought she was joking, she insisted, and I explained that we didn't do that, our own nieces, nephews didn't call us ' aunt' and 'uncle' and it wouldn't be happening. Oops, the end of a beautiful friendship .... Main point of this is it's not just one person involved in the decision.

I think that's another difference in perspective.

I like to be MrsX, but not because I think I am superior to anyone.

I like the formality. The distance it creates. It doesn't mean I think I am better than children (or my doctor, or my bank manager, or my dentist... )

It's like, how to explain it? There's me, my inner circle, my outer circle, and outside my circles.

It is somehow tied to my personal space and also acts to define the nature of the relationship I have with the person.

lookbehindyou I mean our equals in terms of respect, as that is the justification for being called Mrs Bingo rather than just Flamingo, particularly when it's apparently OK for adults to call children by their first names...of course children are not equal to adults in their ability to live in the world independently and their experience.

Hecate That's a different matter entirely. I presume you call other adults by their title and surname as well if you like to be referred to in that way yourself? But do you offer the same courtesy to children? If not, why not? Are they less worthy of respect?

Why then does my Gp call me 'first name' and I am expected to call him 'dr surname'? He isn't superior to me. He does (I bloody hope!) know more about medicine than me, but he isn't 'better' than me (or even, dare I say it, more aware of the wider implications of my various health problems). To create distance, formality etc, i must remind him I am henceforth to be known as 'Ms Baskets'. (though I don't believe it will change the rather good care he gives). Weirdly, dentist has same surname as me - and is young enough to be my son!

Your GP shouldn't call you by your first name unless you asked him to. If you don't mind that's fine but there are those that would.

I prefer to be called by my first name, that said I expect my children to call somebody by Mrs X until told that they can use the person's first name.

As a default, yes. Until or unless they tell me otherwise. Or if they have introduced themselves by just their forename. That is how I understand that that is how they wish to be addressed. So "Hi, I am Jane", wants to be Jane. "Hi, I am Jane Smith" gets Ms Smith until or unless she says "no, call me Jane"

I am aware it is very old fashioned But I need the rules in order to know how I am supposed to interact with people. I struggle terribly with the social dance and I need to know that I always do X, if someone says Y I respond Z. I am expected to do this in this situation. This is how I act in this situation. This is what people expect from me...

I do not like over familiarity. It is too close, too intimate. I need the barrier.

and yes, children by their first names. Actually, more often than not, it is dear, or sweetie. Which is very patronising, I know.

I don't see at as a courtesy that I am giving to adults and therefore don't see it as a courtesy that I am withholding from children. It's about space and distance and rules in the adult world, not courtesy.

They are the rules. And I am utterly, utterly bound by them. I can't not do it that way, any more than I could sprout wings and fly. it feels so wrong that it makes me feel out of control and that the interaction is flawed and I don't know what to do then. How do I interact if people chuck the rules out of the window? how do I know when I am getting it right or wrong?

I need - you always do this. you always do this. you always do this.

Or I would just have to lock myself in the house and give up totally

You sound like my brother, Hecate.

Interesting posts since my last. I agree about GP though not sure it bothers me too much, possibly not enough to say something now. I'll have to think a bit about that!

Hecate, I do see where you are coming from - I think in this case you have to go with what makes you feel comfortable.

Once years ago, when a student nurse, i asked an elderly woman in a longstay ward what she preferred to be called. She had dementia and was called 'first name' by ALL the staff. Without missing a beat she answered 'Mrs Surname'. That was in the 1980s but I suspect not much has changed there. Sadly, I found it really hard, esp as a student to do differently from the rest of the team.

baskets, I have heard health professionals many times call someone by their first name. Some of the clients would clearly prefer to be called Mr or Mrs X. They are already in a situation they can't control and it's such a small thing. I really don't understand why it's so hard not to do that.

I really dislike the use of aunty or uncle for non-relatives, I think it's a bit creepy.

My kids always call my friends by their first name, and I'd expect the same. But I like them to call the neighbours/doctor/dentist/teachers/random people they meet Mr/Mrs whatever and allow those people to say 'oh, just call me X' if that's what they want (most don't interestingly).

I HATE it when random call centre people call me by my first name, they don't know me so they can't do it (but e.g. at my hairdressers I get called by my first name). At work we nearly all have PhDs but everyone uses first names and since so many of our customers are American we don't even use our titles when we introduce ourselves to them, we tend to be referred to as Louisianablue2000 PhD in the American style.

I agree totally about names thing in health care settings. One of my lingering uncomfortable memories of my dad's last weekend in hospital (well, last weekend anywhere but he was in hospital) was a schoolboy with a medical degree calling him by first name - being a 60s baby, i did grow up knowing all and sundry who were older than me as Mr, Mrs, Aunt, Uncle, etc. I think first names are overused in care settings - it takes no time at all to just ask the patient/client/possibly relative what version they prefer and write it at front of notes. (Baskets gets off soapbox)

What bloody nonsense. What's your first name for if it's not for using?!

YABU, get a grip

Baskets45 are you serious?
You think it's disrespectful to call someone by their given name, but ok for you to refer to a doctor as "a schoolboy with a medical degree"?

WellBlowMe, she didn't call him 'son'. She was using imagery to describe how the doctor would have seemed to her dad. Btw, Baskets was talking about her dad dying. So get off your totally misguided high horse.

TBH I have enough trouble remembering people's first names let alone their last so I have no hope .

Yes LookBehindYou I understand the concept of imagery. This thread is about how people like to be addressed and inferred dis/respect.

I climbed upon my "misguided high horse" to comment on the very apparent irony of a post about disrespect referring to a healthcare professional as "a schoolboy with a medical degree".
And what - a poster mentioning something sensitive makes their post exempt from comment? No.

It is about how people like to be addressed. Baskets was not addressing the doctor as a schoolboy. She was describing him. Your point makes no sense.
I was not telling you you couldn't comment.