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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a massive overreaction?

335 replies

Justme23 · 18/08/2012 09:36

A friend of mine was in tears last night (at a bloody barbecue of all places) because she is having doubts about her almost one year marriage.

Basically her husband suggested recently that she ahem, trim her pubic hair and start taking care of herself a bit more.

She feels he is completely out of order for asking this, he has also said he is struggling to find her attractive any more, that she has completely let herself go since the wedding.

It is true, without sounding like a bitch, she has.
She has put on a lot of weight, no longer wears makeup unless it's a formal do, her hair is never styled and she does tend to live in polo shirts and the same pair of jeans and trainers. She admitted to me not long ago that she hasn't shaved her legs in months and we all could see yesterday that her armpits were well and truly neglected.

She used to be so well turned out and her husband used to be the first to say how beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

Their sex life used to be crazy but now is pretty non existent, she said he isn't interested any more.

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce...

AIBU for thinking she is being very short sighted.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if DP married me and then turned Into a slob and after telling DP last night he agreed and said he could completely see her husbands point of view and would probably feel the same.

???

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 10:57

I don't like ungroomed women (i am bi).

I don't like over hairy men, those with beards, either and like a level 'grooming'.

Unless someone was very ill, or very busy (newborn), then shaving, plucking and feet care is the minimum in my circle that i mix in.

Btbh, i was on oxygen in hospital and still carrying on a groming regime made me feel better, as much as an effort as it was.

Olympicrock · 18/08/2012 10:58

There's nothing wrong with each expecting the other to make an effort, marriages need working at and maintaining to maintain their sparkle, she isn't showing him much respect by becoming a bit of a slob, and at least he is talking about it, rather than letting it become a really big issue

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:02

It isn't so much based on appearances as the drop in standards and interests.

Both me and my DP have put on weight, which we are doing something about, part of that reason is that when we go out we like to look good and not look fat in the clothes that we pick.

If we stopped caring about the way that we looked, we would have changed in ourselves/personality, not just our appearance.

But besides that i would still focus on the loss of sex drive, which is a big indicator as to a problem.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 11:02

Fine birds if you don't want to shag someone who doesn't shave, but not even be friends? That's kind of shallow.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2012 11:02

I would advise her to bin him off and find a man who wants a wife, not a barbie doll.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:04

It isn't shallow because we wouldn't share the same norms and values, so that wouldn't be someone who i mixed with.

usualsuspect · 18/08/2012 11:05

You seriously wouldn't be friends with someone who had armpit hair?

MadCap · 18/08/2012 11:06

It is shallow though, Birds. You just have shallow values is all.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/08/2012 11:07

This 'friend' has not descended into wearing a dressing gown in tescos.
She only wears makeup for formal dos
Hardly fecking letting herself go.

I wonder if the op fancies her friends hubby?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/08/2012 11:11

LRD I'd you think your old man has changed..
mine could walk when I married him.

Maybe I should leave him. Letting himself go like that and all ;)

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 11:14

Oh, MrsDeVere, honestly ... he just doesn't have any standards, does he?

You know what else? Before we married his hands were always spotless and now he wears this dirty great lump of mental round one finger.

Makes me sick, so it does.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:15

This has nothing to do with disability, what we are talking about is a partner changing in their attitude towards something that is important to us.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:17

Just to add i cared for my DH whilst he died of cancer, my feelings didn't change for him.

I have been a HCP and carried out end of life care, that is very different.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 11:18

I'd be crying hysterically at bbqs too if I realised me looking like a Barnum doll was important to my husband.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 11:18

Barnum?

*barbie

JeezyPeeps · 18/08/2012 11:18

So clean but with hairy puts somehow reflects 'values'?

I'm sure Julia Roberts will be choked!

Out of curiosity, what values does shaven pits confer?

NowThenWreck · 18/08/2012 11:22

I had an Ex who used to moan (probably justifiably)that I would change into my ratty sweatpants the minute I got home.
He still wanted to shag me all the time though ;)

If I was with a man who suddenly put a lot of weight on, I might be concerned, I might drop gentle hints/encouragement, but if I was in love with him, I would still want to sleep with him, and it certainly wouldn't be a deal breaker. There is more to sexy than just aesthetics.

I have hairy pits and a hairy muff, yet I expect men to be gagging to bed me.

PeshwariNaan · 18/08/2012 11:22

Lucky that my DH loves me no matter what (and I him). However, it sounds like she's been depressed, her DH isn't being supportive (now that she's not "perfect") and some friend you are.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/08/2012 11:22

Those words are true, Sleepyhead, very true. Reminds me of the 'Wishing and Hoping' song too. I was quite amused to realise that Ani Difranco did the version for the 'My Best Friend's Wedding' soundtrack...

Jumpingthroughmorehoops.. Where, oh where is THAT thread? Grin

On the issue of whether women should groom or not and whether men have the right to comment, who can say? So many women ascribe to the notion that they 'choose to do these things for their men' that they're the authors of their own misfortunes. Some women put in place these strictures and discplines in the all-consuming interests of 'getting a man'. If they do that, then of course they run the risk, in the type of man they've 'acquired', that any deviation from the 'norm' will be met with distrust.

From what the OP has posted (from whichever standpoint the OP has), the wife has made drastic change for the worse, he has told her that he isn't happy. She's the one who has changed and she must decide what she will do, but doing nothing is obviously not an option.

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 11:23

I find it sad that people could love someone enough to marry them, but then something like a bit of body hair or untrendy clothes could be such a deal breaker a year down the line.

I can appreciate that every one has different preferences and things they find attractive... but equally if you really do love them, surely you look past it, or find a comprimise.

I am not talking about the OP here, nor things such as personal hygine.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:27

Posters are turning this isn't a gender thing, but it does work both ways, if my DP grew his hair, i would end the relationship.

It is difficult to force attraction.

Personally i would be crying about losing my sex drive, or questioning why i didn't want sex (and i have lived in a sexless marriage for two years because of medical problems).

I don't think that the appearance comments are the problem, they have drifted and need to work out why and if they want to get back as they oncce were.

LostinaPaperCup · 18/08/2012 11:32

"if my DP grew his hair, i would end the relationship"

Huh?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/08/2012 11:33

Birds if this woman's husband is getting arsey about her only wearing makeup on special occasions and not getting her hair blow waved
How do you think he would deal with her developing something like MS?
Can be hard to find high heels and mini skirts that work on a mobility

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:42

But becoming ill or disabled is different, that is a life change, one which i have been through, so i understand that one, backwards.

Suddenly changing how you behave, without a reason (sex life included) is something that you have the right to be honest over and question, in a partner.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:43

One is shit that life throws at you, the other is a chosen change.