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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a massive overreaction?

335 replies

Justme23 · 18/08/2012 09:36

A friend of mine was in tears last night (at a bloody barbecue of all places) because she is having doubts about her almost one year marriage.

Basically her husband suggested recently that she ahem, trim her pubic hair and start taking care of herself a bit more.

She feels he is completely out of order for asking this, he has also said he is struggling to find her attractive any more, that she has completely let herself go since the wedding.

It is true, without sounding like a bitch, she has.
She has put on a lot of weight, no longer wears makeup unless it's a formal do, her hair is never styled and she does tend to live in polo shirts and the same pair of jeans and trainers. She admitted to me not long ago that she hasn't shaved her legs in months and we all could see yesterday that her armpits were well and truly neglected.

She used to be so well turned out and her husband used to be the first to say how beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

Their sex life used to be crazy but now is pretty non existent, she said he isn't interested any more.

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce...

AIBU for thinking she is being very short sighted.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if DP married me and then turned Into a slob and after telling DP last night he agreed and said he could completely see her husbands point of view and would probably feel the same.

???

OP posts:
AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 09:54

that's what I am thinking trills its not the fact that she doesn't 'groom' its the fact there has been such a change in a fairly short space of time.
That would concern me.

NewlyMintedPeasant · 18/08/2012 09:55

At some point in a marriage eventually you won't resemble the person who got married. I got married at 23, I was a stone lighter and far more concerned with what others thought. We are now slobbish a bit in our own domain, I would feel pretty chained up if I had to be smooth and hair-free all year round What a monotonous way to spend life.

If a marriage is strong it weathers change, it sounds a bit two way. If my husband spoke honestly to me about my appearance I'd reflect on it and consider his feelings, but then I have a husband who considers my feelings and loves me whatever, although like anyone he enjoys it when I make an effort for him too. And thank God I seem to have a rare breed of man who likes sex with a woman, not this new namby-pamby male who wants a child like smooth bits to go near a woman. Women are sexy as women should be.

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 09:56

Letting go of yourself is not getting washed, not brushing your teeth, wearing dirty clothes, not washing your hair.

not shaving natural hair, wearing practical clothes not trendy clothes, washing but not styling hair does not equate to the above Hmm

TurncoatEwok · 18/08/2012 09:56

I didn't mean she was depressed just because of not shaving - just that it's odd to suddenly stop all self care when she'd previously been very 'well groomed' IYSWIM.

mellen · 18/08/2012 09:56

'tantamount to assault' hardly.
How many women would be happy if they got married and within a year the person had put on a lot of weight and become much less physically attractive?

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 09:58

Exactly peasant. Has it occurred to this poor woman that her husband is not going to be amenable to stretch marks, the ravages of pregnancy or illness, or indeed to her just aging? Perhaps it has, hence her hysteria at a BBQ (of all places, how unseemly).

mellen · 18/08/2012 09:59

Denise34

You have moved from saying that the husbands actions are 'tantamount to assault' to hers being 'tantamount to fraud' within about 20 minutes. Confused

anditwasallyellow · 18/08/2012 09:59

What would people say if it was a man and he'd stopped shaving his face and was wearing polo shirts and jeans all the time.

Or is it only women who should remain hair free and wear uncomfortable clothing?

TurncoatEwok · 18/08/2012 10:00

I think she is probably still better turned out than I am (as I said I am terrible at looking after myself) - I think it's the sudden change that is the possible issue here rather than the 'standards' themselves.

Unless she made a conscious decision "I'm not going to do xxxxx just because I'm a woman" as many people do, but it does not sound like that from the OP.

Denise34 · 18/08/2012 10:00

My first post was a joke. Sorry if anyone was confused.

DukeHumfrey · 18/08/2012 10:00

Are you the husband, OP?

Chubfuddler said "She sounds depressed. He sounds completely insensitive. And you sound horrible."

Exactly.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 10:01

I'd say that sounds like my husband these days. Razors ate so flipping expensive for one thing.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/08/2012 10:02

I'm more shocked by the OP's post than the husbands words tbh, why are women so harsh to one another, even their friends?

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 10:03

I suppose if you're 23 and your point if reference for human relationships and normal appearance is the freaks on TOWIE you may find the sight of a woman in jeans and trainers odd.

I bet she lost at least a stone before her wdding and has simply regained it.

nilbyname · 18/08/2012 10:04

Hmmmm...this is a wind up?

Can't think of a nice way to say that the op and the Dh sound very shallow and are caring about the wrong things.

Do marriage vows include a clause about being groomed and keeping up appearances? Will their be compulsory botox and waxing clauses in pre-nups?

BONKERS

Bossybritches22 · 18/08/2012 10:05

I think it would be the change in her grooming/self care habits that would be alarming for the DH, although I think he has handled it badly. She sounds depressed, possibly due to her high expectations of the marriage, and him being rather judgemental.

Denise34 - Your posts on here & on others I've some across with you on today are very harsh & unsympathetic to females.

two2blackcats · 18/08/2012 10:07

see it's the way it's done. if DH said to me, "hey, you know what, I've noticed lately you see a bit low and don't seem to be making much of an effort, what's up?" I wouldn't be offended, but I'd be gutted if he told me he didn't find me attractive, even if it was true. I've put on a fair bit of weight this year, about a stone and a half sincemarch, I know it, I don't need anyone to point it out as I already feel shit about it!

but anyway this happened to a friend of mine, did a lighter life diet before her wedding, lost 6 stone, going from 17 to 11 stone, and has put it all back on again and is now 19 stone so bigger than she was before. She is very low.

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 10:08

I understand that trills agilchrist turncoat but over the course of a year ...

IMO the husband sounds like a prize twat, and the poor wife has only just realised.
I mean, he was so proud to have her when she was beautiful, but not now.
If lack of grooming in this case was indicatvative of depression surely he would be trying to help, not telling her to get her pubes trimmed because he doesn't find her attractive any more. Then again maybe nit, cause he sounds lie a twat.

As does the OP, she isn't concerned for her friend, just bitching about her on the internet and discussing private things with her DP behind her friends back.

TBH, her friend sounds like she would be well shot of het so called husband and so called friends.

lalaloopylou · 18/08/2012 10:08

I think maybe the husband hasn't approached the subject with tact (buy hard to say if you have only heard her side of story) but at least he is being honest with her, he's not said he doesn't love her and is only interested in her looks, maybe he himself is worried about her health if she has out on weight and instead of getting straight to the point about the weight has asked her to take care of herself
IMO if she was really happy with her appearance she would hav more than likely told him so instead of crying to you over the state of her marriage
Also I don't think YABU for posting, you don't understand where your friends coming from so you are asking advice of other MNetters, it's not like your naming her on here!

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 18/08/2012 10:10

And if it was the other way round and her husband turned into a fat, smelly, ungroomed, dirty, bearded man would you all say she is being shallow?

Sounds like there are obviously issues but she sounds like a different woman to the one he married.

Not sure I would find her attractive either!! I don't think you are being a bitchy horrible friend but I would have a good talk to her to see what's going on with her and help her if she needs it. You don't just change overnight without there being a genuine reason.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 10:10

Its only been a year, so the talk about how he will handle his wife aging, having kids etc doesn't make sense.
In a year she has changed completely. The dh has handled it wrong, he should be concerned about why the drastic change. Is she emotionally ok is the route he should be taking.
If dh put weight on, grew a beard I would be a bit unimpressed and worried. I don't find big men attractive, nor beards.
I put weight on when having kids, dh was completely supportive and helped me lose weight. I would support him as well.

Trills · 18/08/2012 10:10

If lack of grooming in this case was indicatvative of depression surely he would be trying to help, not telling her to get her pubes trimmed

Most people don't recognise signs of depression very well, they see the surface detail and try to "fix" that instead of thinking that there may be something beneath it.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 10:11

Who says she's fat? Many women could put on a stone and still be a healthy weight.

AGilchrist · 18/08/2012 10:15

I suspect though, this woman feels quite low and is maybe embellishing what he said and how he said it.
I know several woman and have seen on here some women who feel low, read to much into what has been said.
There is one on another board at the moment, woman says 'i feel so fat and unattractive' dh doesn't give quite the correct response and it turns into 'dh hates me and thinks I am ugly'.
She obviously has something going on and unless the dh is a twat in other ways I would be wary of judging him as the reason for her issues.

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 10:16

cheeseandbiscuts where does the OP say any of that.

She says her friend has put on some weight, stopped shaving, and wears jeans trainers and no makeup.

You read fat smelly and dirty.

This is the problem with our society.