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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a massive overreaction?

335 replies

Justme23 · 18/08/2012 09:36

A friend of mine was in tears last night (at a bloody barbecue of all places) because she is having doubts about her almost one year marriage.

Basically her husband suggested recently that she ahem, trim her pubic hair and start taking care of herself a bit more.

She feels he is completely out of order for asking this, he has also said he is struggling to find her attractive any more, that she has completely let herself go since the wedding.

It is true, without sounding like a bitch, she has.
She has put on a lot of weight, no longer wears makeup unless it's a formal do, her hair is never styled and she does tend to live in polo shirts and the same pair of jeans and trainers. She admitted to me not long ago that she hasn't shaved her legs in months and we all could see yesterday that her armpits were well and truly neglected.

She used to be so well turned out and her husband used to be the first to say how beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

Their sex life used to be crazy but now is pretty non existent, she said he isn't interested any more.

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce...

AIBU for thinking she is being very short sighted.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if DP married me and then turned Into a slob and after telling DP last night he agreed and said he could completely see her husbands point of view and would probably feel the same.

???

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 11:44

Birdsgottafly I can't believe you're serious!
My DH grew a bear and I hated it, and took every opportunity to tell him. I didn't consider ending our relationship though for better for worse, in sickness and in health, looking like a yeti and smooth...surely you are in a relationship or friends with the person?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 11:45

But, birds, doesn't it sound as if (if she's real), she might be depressed? That surely is a real issue.

I do think as well, most people do know and understand that the build-up to the wedding is not exactly the same as the time afterwards.

If certain predictable things are deal-breakers for you with a partner, I think it needs discussing first, not being rude about afterwards.

Personally I'd not want to be married to someone who insisted I look a certain way, but even if that wasn't a deal breaker for me, I'd still be gutted if my DH talked to me like that.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 11:46

stealth - we're clearly opposites, my DH shaved his beard off before we got married and it was most disconcerting. I had to beg him to grow it back.

His face, his business, though.

ChaoticismyLife · 18/08/2012 11:48

I'm obviously a slob. I'm sitting here in jeans and t-shirt, with no make-up on and my hair which needs washing tied back Hmm I did have a shower this morning so I'm clean.

I'm not going to judge the husband as I don't know his motivation. He may be concerned about the change within his wife but when he broached the subject it could have come out completely wrong. Then again he could be a shallow twat.

You, OP, sound like a complete, shallow cow. Instead of trying to find out why your friend has changed in a short space of time, you judge and bitch about her on the internet. I do hope this is a wind up because with friends like you this woman does not need enemies.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 11:48

Ah mine used to have long hair when he was young but he cut it all off which did upset me. But he did that as he was getting bald and didn't want to look like a past it rocker :o So I don't ever get him to try and change that

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 11:50

Mmm, a long haired man is delightful. DH is going to look like Bill Bailey soon, though.

Thing is, there's a big difference between focussing on the positives and/or being worried a big change signals a health/emotional issue, and just being plain rude to your partner because you feel you should be 'proud' of how they look.

Original poster
Justme23 · 18/08/2012 11:53

I was actually posting without feeling so I could get the facts across actually.

No they have no children, she does not want any.

I personally feel terrible for her, I sat with her for mOst of the BBQ in a back room comforting her. I do feel very sooty that she is upset but I'm not going to sit saying "there there he is such an arse" because he isn't. I tried to help her see things from his point of view ( this is a woman who previously made him turn around at the front door and change his shirt because it clashed with her outfit)

LIke I said, she will make the effort if she needs to, and apart from the weight gain, looks like the old her, she is a very pretty woman, and this is the point her husband is making, she will make the effort for other people but not herself.

I asked her how she would feel of her husband put on a couple of stone and turned into a slop and she burst into morse tears and said she would hate it but that she just can't be bothered to dress up.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 11:55

If she's real, she is depressed and needs to go to her GP.

And you need to stop focussing on her weight gain or her husband insisting she 'makes an effort'. That sounds uncomfortably close to 'snap out of it'.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 11:55

So what does she want?

crashdoll · 18/08/2012 11:56

You sound like a shit friend.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:57

this is a woman who previously made him turn around at the front door and change his shirt because it clashed with her outfit

See when we go out, we never clash, so i get that.

Have you asked her why the change has happened?

Is she happy in her marriage, what he is like behind closed doors?

Would she chat to a HCP?

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 11:59

"But, birds, doesn't it sound as if (if she's real), she might be depressed? That surely is a real issue"

That's what i said from the start, that change is worrying and some posters wasn't taking that on board, calling the DH for being honest.

StealthPolarBear · 18/08/2012 11:59

What I suppose I'm asking is, I've recently lost a load of weight. And until I did I was happy to be the weight I was and just wanted DH to leave me alone about it (for the record, he was more worried that I did no exercise and the impact on my health, I have now slimmed down from 'obese' to 'overweight', but am still fairly fat but he's not mentioned his concern now my weight is having minimal impact on my health, he just tells me I've done well and I look good). But when things changed, I wanted to lose weight and start to feel better about myself. You may have your concerns, but ultimately, it's up to her what she chooses to do. And if her DH leaves her over hairy armpits and public hair (interesting that was the first one you mentioned) then let him!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 12:01

But you're saying it's ok to judge her for her appearance, too? I mean, if she's depressed, the answer isn't really for her to smarten up, book a bikini wax and a haircut and put on some cute shoes - the answer is to get some treatment.

FermezLaBouche · 18/08/2012 12:02

How come this all came out last night? Did something happen to make her tell you all this? Was her DH there at the BBQ?

GreenPetal94 · 18/08/2012 12:04

The way my dh sees it is it doesn't matter whether you wear jeans or make-up, its the naked body that is beautiful. Good job I agree otherwise I'd never have got together with him aged 19 as he wore some pretty awful heavy metal T-shirts!

I wish your friend well, her dh sounds like he might have the wrong ideas about life

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/08/2012 12:06

It could be post-wedding malaise, perhaps? After the excitement has died down and real life kicks in. The sudden and great weight gain is significant and I think that is possibly the crux of the rest of the 'letting herself go'.

Original poster
Justme23 · 18/08/2012 12:11

She isn't depressed in any way, she leads a very socially active life, her husband isn't a and she is the dominant in their relationship.

From what I gathered the situation was that she wanted sex and he didn't, she demanded why and he told her. he was backed into a corner.

We have all noticed the change at home, when we go out together she dresses up.

I do think talking of divorce is really OTT for one comment in an otherwise lovely relationship.

OP posts:
FuckityFuckFuck · 18/08/2012 12:15

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce

I think there is far more to this than him making suggestions about her grooming.
For such a huge change in the space of a year, and her saying those things about her new husband, this is about waaay more than her appearance.

Have you as her 'friend' sat down with her and talked about her life in general, not just her clothes etc? Maybe she is depressed, maybe she is physically ill, maybe her husband is a twat. The only way to help her is to find the real issue and help her deal with it

LRDtheFeministDragon · 18/08/2012 12:16

If you say so. If she's not depressed, she's obviously pretty upset.

You don't know the inside of their relationship, do you?

Viviennemary · 18/08/2012 12:16

It does seem a bit harsh. But on the other hand if she was very well turned out and groomed before she was married it does seem a bit lazy for want of a better word to have let herself go so quickly. So in view of the fact she has changed so much I think he has the right to be a bit annoyed about the whole thing. I wonder why this has happened. Could there be some underlying reason?

Ephiny · 18/08/2012 12:20

If she wants to divorce him over one thoughtless comment about her appearance, then yes that sounds like a big over-reaction.

However there's surely more going on here. What do you think could have caused the sudden change in her behaviour/appearance?

Are you close friends? It really doesn't sound as though you like her very much...

alexpolismum · 18/08/2012 12:23

Yes, it is a massive overreaction. On your part, that is, OP.

It sounds to me like her lack of grooming is the least of the problems - if her dh is not finding her attractive any more after just a year, then you have to wonder why such a shallow man is worth her time. And don't they talk to each other?

If my dh had a problem with me, he would not need me to "back him into a corner" in order to tell me what it was. (and if the problem was my appearance I would soon tell him what to do with himself, he should be worshipping the ground I walk on, whatever I look like). After I gave birth to dc3 and my behaviour changed, he talked to me about it, out of concern for my health and well-being, not out of concern for what he finds attractive.

Birdsgottafly · 18/08/2012 12:26

"From what I gathered the situation was that she wanted sex and he didn't, she demanded why and he told her. he was backed into a corner"

Men cannot fake sexual attraction, if it isn't depression, then she has to decide what to do next and splitting may be that.

If they cannot come to a compromise, considering that compromise should be on both sides.

youarewinning · 18/08/2012 12:26

Arf at If a man wants a permanently made up woman who's totally smooth, he should get a blow up doll Grin

I think it sounds like a communication issue on both sides. If we were this ladies friend we'd be concerned about her complete change in self care - there is nothing wrong with it - but it's the change that worries me.

Maybe her DH was trying to ask her why she wasn't interested in self care so much and suggesting things she could do. He doesn't have a right to demand but it may be he's trying to help?

YABU btw - your judging this woman instead of trying to help and understand. Not what I'd call a friend.