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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a massive overreaction?

335 replies

Justme23 · 18/08/2012 09:36

A friend of mine was in tears last night (at a bloody barbecue of all places) because she is having doubts about her almost one year marriage.

Basically her husband suggested recently that she ahem, trim her pubic hair and start taking care of herself a bit more.

She feels he is completely out of order for asking this, he has also said he is struggling to find her attractive any more, that she has completely let herself go since the wedding.

It is true, without sounding like a bitch, she has.
She has put on a lot of weight, no longer wears makeup unless it's a formal do, her hair is never styled and she does tend to live in polo shirts and the same pair of jeans and trainers. She admitted to me not long ago that she hasn't shaved her legs in months and we all could see yesterday that her armpits were well and truly neglected.

She used to be so well turned out and her husband used to be the first to say how beautiful she was and how proud he was to have her.

Their sex life used to be crazy but now is pretty non existent, she said he isn't interested any more.

Yesterday she (hysterically crying) told me she felt he was being disrespectful, nasty, cruel and evil and that she thinks she wants a divorce...

AIBU for thinking she is being very short sighted.

I certainly wouldn't be happy if DP married me and then turned Into a slob and after telling DP last night he agreed and said he could completely see her husbands point of view and would probably feel the same.

???

OP posts:
pregnantpause · 18/08/2012 16:32

I know I'm late to this, but really your last post is quite sad. She's nit depressed - great, she's just in a rut, so she can solve the problem this time. She can make herself "sexy" again. But look down the long years of marriage and at some point she will grow old. And wrinkled. And probably a bit fatter as she won't get to the gym enough what with her aging state. What then? No one stays physically "sexy" in the way this ops husband requires forever.
Sexual attraction is about more than physical appearance. Or at least it should be. My dh will grow old, and he's already started to grow a hit of a belly, but he will always have a sexy laugh. Ans we will always be able to share a sexy glance. I pity your friend that she doesn't have the assurance that she will always be sexy to her dh.

flippinada · 18/08/2012 16:36

By the way, I would like to apologise for my second to last post, which was in very poor taste.

I hope no-one is incited to try and teach their horses to read as a result. That would be very upsetting.

valiumredhead · 18/08/2012 16:41

The op is not Samantha Brick - she is in the BB house Grin

If she was 3 months nwb - I am not surprised she is cautious about doing anything too active tbh.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 16:46

I've tried to make myself desire Samantha Brick's husband, but it's just not working.

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 16:47

I just popped to the shops in cropped trousers.

Came back said to DP "eee I've just been out in these and just realized I didn't even check I've shaved me legs. Eee I haven't"

He looks up from paper with a smile, shakes his head and says "you're funny you are, little bit nuts"

"oh yeah, and why is that"

"whey, who gives a fuck" he says

flippinada · 18/08/2012 16:49

Why haven't you killed yourself in shame yet CurlyKiwi? Eh?

CurlyKiwiControl · 18/08/2012 16:54

Grin I did think about running back out the front door and jumping out in front of the first bus I saw, but then I thought, meh, who gives a fuck!

Original poster
Justme23 · 18/08/2012 16:58

Flippinada that post was bloody disgusting.
Enough people are seriously disabled in riding accidents.
It is not something to joke about.

And do you not find it quite sick that you are wishing severe injury on someone you have never met...

OP posts:
flippinada · 18/08/2012 17:05

Yes, I'm terribly sorry JustMe, what was I thinking? I wouldn't want any horses to be distressed.

Chubfuddler · 18/08/2012 17:14

Changed your tune haven't you op? She was a slob in your op.

Krumbum · 18/08/2012 17:17

I find this weird that some of you wouldn't be turned on if your partners looked a bit different. I've never met a woman who gets wildly aroused just from looking at a naked man anyway, majority of women are less visual, especially when you've been with someone for a while.

Ephiny · 18/08/2012 17:31

You're the husband, aren't you, JustMe?

If you are, your posts make a bit more sense (and no don't make you a bad person, even though you haven't come across as well as you might).

If you really are the 'friend', this is all very odd, because you seem to know and care a lot more about what the husband thinks and feels than about your actual friend.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 17:36

Ephiny, It would certainly make some sense of the wife being so miserable, and the 'their/her' mortgage mistake.

Margerykemp · 18/08/2012 17:42

I'm glad I don't have 'friends' like this.

DontmindifIdo · 18/08/2012 17:47

Ephiny - she's posted before - she's got a SIL who tricked a man into getting her pregnant (he knew she wanted a baby, he knew she wasn't on the pill, he knew he wasn't wearing a condom, but the poor man was completely surprised that he ended up a father) and then had the bear faced cheek to ask for money from him, rather than him just occasionally buying things; and she's got a colleague who's DP has been 'backed into a corner' and told said colleague that she's fat, so the colleague is on a diet she doesn't want really want to be on and keep's 'cheating' by eating chocolate and (shock) going to greggs - the OP thinks this makes her a bad person and is disgusted at her.

LineRunner · 18/08/2012 18:04

The OP seems to be disgusted at female friend; female relative; female colleague, then? Wow. That's like a Full House in Kyle World.

Krumbum · 18/08/2012 18:27

My fiance has never shaved his legs, has a bush of pubic hair and armpit hair.
He wears jeans and tshirts, has short hair that he lets dry naturally and he doesn't even wear make up on special occasions!
Should I leave him op? Obviously he can't be bothered, what a slob. I should be ashamed to take him outside because he obviously is sub standard. We can't have sex clearly, he hasn't physically altered himself to appease me. If someone has not been through at least a little bit of pain in order to be sexy then im not remotely aroused.

Empusa · 18/08/2012 18:57

"She said that she knew she was getting a bit too relaxed with him."

Christ, if you can't relax with your husband who can you relax with Confused

StaceeJaxx · 18/08/2012 19:20

Having skimmed read the thread, I agree with the majority that you OP are being very harsh with your friend. The husband needs a big fat dose of reality if he thinks she's going to stay the "sexy woman he married". Did he take any notice of his vows at all? "In sickness and in health, for better or worse", so he's all right shagging her when she's all sexy and healthy but the minute she has an injury that means she's been inactive for a few months and puts on a big of weight he stops shagging her because "she's let herself go". Hmm Christ if DH had stopped shagging me the minute I started to feel relaxed around him and "let myself go" Hmm - as in put on weight, and didn't shave my legs every day, then we wouldn't have even made it down the fucking aisle let alone had kids. By the way of they do have kids how the hell is he going to cope then? She will get fat then btw, and she'll be inactive for a while as well. I think he wanted to marry a doll and instead got a real woman. She should leave the bastard for being such a shallow twat!

Lostgirl27 · 18/08/2012 19:30

Again I'm new to this, but highly amused! I think said friend has came to a time in her life where things like waxing and make up just don't hold any importance any more and she obviously wants to be happy as she is but her shallow husband is making her feel that she can't be. I used to be waxed/shaved/plucked within an inch of my life, now I couldn't give a shit. Although the difference is I'm single. And yes, you are a shitty shitty friend.

Empusa · 18/08/2012 19:45

OP so your friend has suddenly changed from someone to whom appearance was paramount to someone who can't be bothered to get done up? She's in floods of tears over his comments? Has told you she just can't be bothered? You say it's an effort to get her out for activities? She's had an accident which has restricted her and yet more free time to "lounge about"? And you know she isn't depressed? Hmm

To be fair, if you were my friend, I wouldn't admit to feeling depressed to you either. Especially if admitting to not shaving was seen as a confession of some sort! On top of that "We are a common sensical, no bullshit group", the only people I know who talk like that are also the kind to tell someone suffering with depression to "snap out of it". Not the best confidantes.

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 19:49

If she's a different woman from the one he fell in love with then he has every right to mention it. Maybe focusing on the looks side of things isn't the best. When you feel comfortable with someone you do lax things a bit, but I still make that effort to look good for myself, not just my partner.

GhostShip · 18/08/2012 19:50

People are being hard on the OP.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 19/08/2012 03:42

Wait a minute....

She had a serious injury so she put on weight due to not being able to go to the gym, is wearing comfortable clothes (who the hell wears mini skirts with a nasty injury?) hasn't has her hair 'styled' (whatever the fuck that means?) and hasn't shaved her legs...One of which is injured...

And after only three months of this, her husband is completely disgusted by her -as are you and apparently her own fucking mother- but you know she's not depressed because you are such a good mate, right? You have no way of knowing she's not depressed any way than I do of knowing she is. However going by the info you've given, I'd say this poor woman is completely trapped and surrounded by vicious people who care only about appearances, I assume social appearance means an awful lot to you people too?

She's probably crying about divorce because her useless husband doesn't give a shit she's injured and in pain, he only cares about her weight gain and hairy legs! That shows his true character. It also shows yours that you can't see why that might be fucking hurtful. Hmm

She dresses up when she goes out because your circle of 'friends' are a nasty, gossipy bunch who need to accept high school is over.

So she has a shallow husband, gossipy shallow 'friends,' and a mother who is telling her to get a grip.

And you wonder why she broke down? You really wonder?

MelanieSminge · 19/08/2012 03:55

justme either you are a troll or quite a nasty person. Friend did you say?
besides if she always wears polo shirts and jeans, how could you see that her armpits were 'well and truly neglected'? How do you know about their sex life anyway? maybe you are shagging her hubby? maybe this is all just rubbish.