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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be lonely....?

219 replies

WoodlandHills · 16/08/2012 11:31

I can't be the only one....can I?

I feel like a real sad case writing this, and I really don't want this post to come across as self pitying - but I hardly have any real friends.

Up till early this year I had a close friend who lived near me, she was probably the nearest thing I had to a "best friend" our DC were close too....but we had a big falling out, it turned out she was not the person I thought she was, and she moved away (not because of the fall out). There was no going back anyway after what happened. I was pretty traumatised tbh and spent many weeks very upset, it was awful.

I also have a long term childhood friend, we were very close growing up and into our 20's, she was probably also another "best friend" ...but the last few years we have really grown apart, not sure why. But I am always the one doing the organising meet ups etc, and she often lets me down. It's quite soul destroying making all the effort as I feel if I didn't, I would never see her.

I then have 3 or 4 casual friends, but I just don't really click with them. I like to see them, but often feel awkward around them, run out of things to say etc. I would say they are "mum friends" - and I don't think I would be friends with them if it wasn't for having DC the same age.

I also feel I am quite a walkover, almost as if to get people to like me - for example one of these "friends" I was seeing quite a lot, but I realised whenever she wanted to meet, she was asking me to take her places all the time (I have a car, she didn't) but recently she has bought a car I never hear from her. god writing this down makes me embarassed tbh.

The summer holidays have brought it home to me even more, particularly this year as last summer hols I spent a lot of time with my ex friend. I do work, but only 2 days a week, and my job is not sociable at all so have not made any friends through work. So whenever I am not at work I am home with the DC, I make the effort and take them out, swimming, park, soft play etc but I feel so lonely even though I am with them. They are 6 and 3.

I have even tried netmums "meet a mum" service Blush but not really had much joy.

OP posts:
Jules666 · 24/08/2012 22:14

Just set up a facebook account and sent a friend request. Now sure what I do next though! Last time I set up a facebook account ended up having has a friend someone I'd never heard of, and I kept getting updates from her for every little thing she did!!

Moggin · 24/08/2012 22:57

This is exciting but I'm nervous to ask if I can join you all? Never properly met anyone from the Internet so am a bit eek about it all! You won't bite will if I join the FB group will you?

Bananaketchup · 24/08/2012 23:56

Yes Moggin come over there are loads of us and no biting so far (that I'm aware of)

loopylou6 · 25/08/2012 11:22

Just keeping this bumped :)

trikken · 25/08/2012 11:57

Can I join? I'm in dorset too, sunflower.

THEAnneSmith · 25/08/2012 15:22

I've just let the latest batch in, and we are now at more than 100 members of the group. Recent plea for more MNers in the north west of England! Grin

To get involved, ask to be my friend www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004230491780

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/08/2012 16:43

Another Billy No Mates.
Am 1000s of miles away so no hope of meeting up and would be too shy anyway.
I have three friends: one happily married, mostly socialises with other married couples (I am single so not included except once when I was a third wheel); one has lots of other friends whom I haven't got to know despite being v slightly acquainted with them for years; one is a man who likes to keep me in a separate compartment from the rest of his life.
I work in a busy office but almost everyone there is much younger than me.
I rarely have time and energy to attempt any kind of social event and in any case I've been going to them (occasionally) for years and the people I've met have remained just people I've met.

KitCat26 · 25/08/2012 17:10

Count me in, West suffolk here.

holler · 25/08/2012 19:13

Anyone else in E Mids? PM me Grin.

yummytummy · 25/08/2012 19:32

hi, would love to join but is there anyway to join without doing facebook? am in the southeast.

TootingJo · 25/08/2012 22:24

I made friends with Anne smith on FB, but am I missing something? There are a few posts and a mention of a group, how do I join the group? I avoid FB as a rule so I need help.

It's a Saturday night on my own with the Proms and the cat (DP away for a week) so I guess this has triggered the old 'wouldn't it be nice to have mates around' thoughts.

puds11 · 26/08/2012 11:32

Calling all Derbyshire and anyone else who wouldn't mind traveling Shall we organize a meet up?

esme80 · 26/08/2012 20:02

Hi, would also like to join not great with facebook though. Am also in the southeast.

ihatecupcakes · 28/08/2012 19:56

Hi I am in the southeast too, i have just joined the group.

Hoopsadazy · 28/08/2012 20:16

Me too! Think being a SAHM for over 3 years means I have pretty much lost the art of conversation and generally not being used to be able to have full conversations/concentrate on adults I think I have lost the ability to pick up on signals from others in the same way.

I am not sure how much longer I can carry on like this but not sure how easy it is to find friends at an older age. Too many women have their 'clique' of friends for such a long time, that it's too hard to infiltrate in the short amount of time you have as a mum.

However, I'd also say that so many mums are feeling the same, so perhaps we should be braver and more upfront about it with each other.

Hoopsadazy · 28/08/2012 20:17

Am in SE too, but not on FB. Should the local MN site do more to help us all?

Jo178 · 28/08/2012 20:40

Ooooh I'm in the north west, Manchester to be precise, about five miles from the Trafford Centre. Will send a friend request now. Sooooo relieved to hear it isn't just me!

daisychicken · 28/08/2012 20:41

Would it be ok if I join too? I'm in the SW and am very much a billy no mates :-( I find it really hard to make friends, am shy, quiet and really struggle with making conversation - not for the lack of trying however(!)

LemarchandsBox · 28/08/2012 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yabbadabba · 29/08/2012 08:59

I am friendless too. I am getting married next year. My partner has invited all of his friends and arranged his stag do. I have no friends to invite to the wedding or on a hen do.

I too often panic that if i die no one will be at my funeral.
Im a nice person, slightly loud, silly and dippy, not quiet and shy at all, but still have no friends.
Am in Staffordshire, Stoke area.

DuelingFanjo · 29/08/2012 15:28

I was going to post the same as LemarchandsBox. it is possible to set up a private group on facebook and then PM it to people rather than go through a made-up facebook person. Maybe I like my Facebook a little more protected than necessary but by linking through here you do know that lots of people will be able to see you are a mumsnetter and also if your sttings are set to be viewed by friends or friends of friends, anyone else who makes friends with this made-up name will be able to see all your stuff.

just thought I would mention it for those who are unaware.

THEAnneSmith · 29/08/2012 15:59

I am the MNer who set up the group. As the members will confirm, I have also joined the group under my own, real ID. I use FB groups and pages a lot for work and personal stuff, so I know how they work. There is no way to access a secret group other than by personal invitation to join. That is where Anne Smith comes in. You become her friend, and she invites you to the group. That profile has the tightest privacy settings, and "friends" can use their own settings to stop me seeing their profile at all. (yes, as Anne Smith I have access to everyone's profile unless they hide them me. The most of I have used it for is to check they aren't already RL friends with any other group members).

The only thing that might out anyone is if someone they knew looked here and a) also joined the group or b) saw that they were friends with Anne Smith*

As it is, members a being very careful, giving general whereabouts rather than addresses, only a little personal info, and where meetings are being arranged, they are in groups.

Of course people should be sensible, but linking to a FB group (that would only be closed not secret) is no different to linking to a blank profile, which acts as stage 1 of a double door system to access the secret group. I also check for mutual friends and seek consent from existing members before letting someone they might know in RL in. It takes up a fair bit of my time, to be honest. Oh, and I don't use Anne Smith for anything other than this thread or the group!

*Actually, once you are in the group, you can defriend the person who invited you, so I might suggest this to everyone now, as an added security measure. Ditch Anne Smith once you are in!

Thanks

rockpaperscissors · 29/08/2012 16:42

I had no idea there there were so many of us out here. I put a post in the relationship section about this earlier today. Should have put in on here.
We moved here 4 years ago and feel everyone is in a group of friends except me. Thought I had had finally made a good friend but she has other closer friends and felt a bit surplus to requirements and the final insult was a couple of months ago (made arrangements to meet up with our kids and she didn't turn up) since then no excuses and no contact from her. Felt pretty shitty after that I can tell you.

Was thinking I should just give up on the idea of having any friends at all when I saw this thread. Not on FB yet but will join as I miss the company and the laughs. I have a few casual aquaintances that I speak to at school but that's it. Have felt pretty down about this especially when it comes to school holidays and see other mums meeting up. I'm not a loner and enjoy a good laugh but from what I can tell when other mum's are in a group they are not interested in including others.

rockpaperscissors · 29/08/2012 17:52

Do you use real names for the FB page or stick to our MN name? Not sure how to go about this. Help please!

DowntonOut · 29/08/2012 18:05

People are there under real names. Up to you if you want to say what your MN nickname is or not. There's no way to make the link unless you say on FB "hi, I'm Nickname".