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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be lonely....?

219 replies

WoodlandHills · 16/08/2012 11:31

I can't be the only one....can I?

I feel like a real sad case writing this, and I really don't want this post to come across as self pitying - but I hardly have any real friends.

Up till early this year I had a close friend who lived near me, she was probably the nearest thing I had to a "best friend" our DC were close too....but we had a big falling out, it turned out she was not the person I thought she was, and she moved away (not because of the fall out). There was no going back anyway after what happened. I was pretty traumatised tbh and spent many weeks very upset, it was awful.

I also have a long term childhood friend, we were very close growing up and into our 20's, she was probably also another "best friend" ...but the last few years we have really grown apart, not sure why. But I am always the one doing the organising meet ups etc, and she often lets me down. It's quite soul destroying making all the effort as I feel if I didn't, I would never see her.

I then have 3 or 4 casual friends, but I just don't really click with them. I like to see them, but often feel awkward around them, run out of things to say etc. I would say they are "mum friends" - and I don't think I would be friends with them if it wasn't for having DC the same age.

I also feel I am quite a walkover, almost as if to get people to like me - for example one of these "friends" I was seeing quite a lot, but I realised whenever she wanted to meet, she was asking me to take her places all the time (I have a car, she didn't) but recently she has bought a car I never hear from her. god writing this down makes me embarassed tbh.

The summer holidays have brought it home to me even more, particularly this year as last summer hols I spent a lot of time with my ex friend. I do work, but only 2 days a week, and my job is not sociable at all so have not made any friends through work. So whenever I am not at work I am home with the DC, I make the effort and take them out, swimming, park, soft play etc but I feel so lonely even though I am with them. They are 6 and 3.

I have even tried netmums "meet a mum" service Blush but not really had much joy.

OP posts:
Sarahplane · 19/08/2012 18:54

Wow I was just about to start a similar thread. I guess it's more common than I thought feeling like this. I feel like I spend all my time either on my own with the kids or at work. I do see people at work and I get on ok with them but not really friends and I don't see them outside of work. I just seem to have drifted apart from most of my friends as well and when I do see people they all seem to be moving on doing lots of exciting things with life and a lot are still single. My husbands on nights at the moment so am feeling even lonlier than normal.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 19/08/2012 18:57

DH is feeling similar too. And he had a call from one of his old male friends earlier today in which he expressed similar sentiments. Apparently he's considering moving north to be close to his wife's grandparents. I suspect there are other considerations to do with friends going on too. DH is certainly hoping they seriously look into it.

TotallyEggFlipped · 19/08/2012 19:13

Are there any other billy no mates in Devon or is it just me?

Sarahplane · 19/08/2012 19:14

I'm in Edinburgh as well whatthe

lovemyalfa · 19/08/2012 19:38

This was me about 18 months ago (check my previous posts!). I had realised that I had no friends whatsoever and my husbands long-term friends were complete bastards to me. To cut a long and sorry story short I decided that things wouldn't change unless I really made the effort to go out there and find some friends of my own.

I joined a group online through FB and that was great, made a very close friend very quickly which progressed to meeting up for weekends away etc etc. Both our families got on really well and I thought she was fab and I was so happy to finally have a close friend and confidante. However, she began to lie and be manipulative playing me off against another friend and she started to withdraw from the friendship. I was heartbroken that I had lost a true friend but over time I realised that she was a toxic friend and we were never as close as I'd thought.
So, back to square one but meanwhile I started an evening class (cliche I know!) and voluntary work in my village and I can now honestly say that I have a circle of friends to do stuff with. None of them are 'best friends' which is a shame but after the toxic one I can do without that for now.

One thing I have learnt is that friendships can be found in the unlikeliest places and with the unlikeliest people. It can take monumental effort to put yourself 'out there' and be available for friendship, just like any other relationship really and it comes with a lot of risk. I'm not professing to know all the answers, just that I have been there and most likely will find myself friendless again at some point (we're planning to move away) but I have enough faith that most people are genuinely nice and want to be friends but sometimes a lot of effort has to be made to turn that into a friendship worth keeping.

Good luck xx

darksecret · 19/08/2012 20:17

I spent my twenties dealing with one long-term illness after another. It nobody's fault, but no friendships really lasted through the prolonged periods of being house-bound (and often in bed). I just don't have that sticky-plaster stuff that makes friends effortlessly; wishing won't make it so! However, about six years ago, I spent three months in a psychiatric unit. Everyone there was very, very lonely. They were also brilliant, funny, gifted and kind, which showed me once and for all that being lonely is no reflection on your worth.

goodmum123 · 19/08/2012 20:25

Woodlands and puds I'm I. Derbyshire too!! I could do with a friend too as sometimes vvvv isolated since moving here to the middle of nowhere x

goodmum123 · 19/08/2012 20:29

Omg steffikins! I lived in Royston vasey too and have had that sort of toxicity but from my sil who Pretended to be my friend when she was jealous and bacjstabbi g me all along!

goodmum123 · 19/08/2012 20:35

Omg steffikins! I lived in Royston vasey too and have had that sort of toxicity but from my sil who Pretended to be my friend when she was jealous and bacjstabbi g me all along!

FannyMcNee · 19/08/2012 20:44

I actually live in a place called Royston... Grin

sensesworkingovertime · 19/08/2012 20:53

It seems there are a lot of us about OP, wish I could help. Is there a way of people getting together from posts on MN?

I am in the same boat as all of you and it can feel incredibly lonely where I live as it's so quiet, some days I don't see anyone except my two DCs.

Pink10 · 19/08/2012 21:40

Sad that so many people feel like this but hopefully some meets will help Smile Derbyshire here too and would be great to meet up Smile

Flojo1979 · 19/08/2012 21:49

Me too, late joiner!
I don't have a dp so even more lonely here as the evenings are just as long as the wkend and holidays etc.
I'm in lancashire.

nearlythereyet · 19/08/2012 21:59

If there was a private group (online) that we could all join, would any of you be interested? I'm thinking Facebook. We could work out where we all are Even if we're not geographically close, it could be some form of friendship circle.

Flojo1979 · 19/08/2012 22:01

Sounds like a plan nearly

Londonista1975 · 19/08/2012 22:03

I completely empathise too. I've always found it hard to make friends and now feeling very lonely and a complete failure because i only have one friend here in London now. I'm not from here and i didn't go to the type of uni where, after graduation, people flock to the capital. Saying that, though, i know that in some cases i've pushed some people away or been too passive or overbearing. I don't Know what the answer is but I do know it gets harder to meet people as you get older for the reasons already stated.

Tried a few evening classes but nothing doing. I wonder if people in big cities are more reserved than in smaller places.

Yesterday was difficult as I was at the theatre alone. It was either go or miss it. I'm fine when the lights go down but I utterly dread the interval and almost everyone was with their friends or family. I just checked my phone and then my iPad like a prat. Anything to avoid catching anyone's eye.

goodmum123 · 19/08/2012 22:03

I would be Very interested indeed, especially as there are so many of us n Derbyshire. Also would be great to chat to others all over the country xxxx

goodmum123 · 19/08/2012 22:04

Londonista, wish I could have gone to the theatre with you x

milkymocha · 19/08/2012 22:19

Hi everyone!
I feel like this alot. Even though i know an awful lot of people, i find it very hard to 'click' with anyone. Iam very sociable, not a bit shy but, seem to attract boasters, attention seekers etc.

I live in London! I have 'mummy friends' but only really two i truly trust. Even saying this i often run out of things to say !
I only really feel completely comfort with DP. Which i suppose is normal? I hope.

You are not alone OP Smile

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 20/08/2012 11:04

I think a FB group would be a brilliant idea ....

OP posts:
nearlythereyet · 20/08/2012 11:05

OK, come and make friends with this person: www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004230491780

Once there are a few friends, it will allow the creation of a secret group, where we can all be ourselves. Grin

nearlythereyet · 20/08/2012 11:07

You can also email [email protected] (twee, I know, but was in a rush)

whatthewhatthebleep · 20/08/2012 12:41

FB link isn't working Sad

Flojo1979 · 20/08/2012 12:42

Fb link worked for me, just added now

nearlythereyet · 20/08/2012 13:04

whatthewhat - send your name to the email if you want and I'll come and find you. (maybe say what your profile pic looks like if there are others with the same name).

You need to make a friend request to Anne, the profile the link takes you too.

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