to be lonely....?

[WoodlandHills]

I can't be the only one....can I?

I feel like a real sad case writing this, and I really don't want this post to come across as self pitying - but I hardly have any real friends.

Up till early this year I had a close friend who lived near me, she was probably the nearest thing I had to a "best friend" our DC were close too....but we had a big falling out, it turned out she was not the person I thought she was, and she moved away (not because of the fall out). There was no going back anyway after what happened. I was pretty traumatised tbh and spent many weeks very upset, it was awful.

I also have a long term childhood friend, we were very close growing up and into our 20's, she was probably also another "best friend" ...but the last few years we have really grown apart, not sure why. But I am always the one doing the organising meet ups etc, and she often lets me down. It's quite soul destroying making all the effort as I feel if I didn't, I would never see her.

I then have 3 or 4 casual friends, but I just don't really click with them. I like to see them, but often feel awkward around them, run out of things to say etc. I would say they are "mum friends" - and I don't think I would be friends with them if it wasn't for having DC the same age.

I also feel I am quite a walkover, almost as if to get people to like me - for example one of these "friends" I was seeing quite a lot, but I realised whenever she wanted to meet, she was asking me to take her places all the time (I have a car, she didn't) but recently she has bought a car I never hear from her. god writing this down makes me embarassed tbh.

The summer holidays have brought it home to me even more, particularly this year as last summer hols I spent a lot of time with my ex friend. I do work, but only 2 days a week, and my job is not sociable at all so have not made any friends through work. So whenever I am not at work I am home with the DC, I make the effort and take them out, swimming, park, soft play etc but I feel so lonely even though I am with them. They are 6 and 3.

I have even tried netmums "meet a mum" service but not really had much joy.

Hi, I've also sent a friend request. Dawnofthe I'm going tonight - see you there?!

Sal,

Me too!! Wanted to add a smiley face but don't know how!

Jules

Just to add that I'm going to join the FB account once I've set one up for myself.

I posted on the first page - really good to see this thread still going. I've sent a FB request.

Anyone else on here in the same boat but not got children?

I'm lonely in Dorset. I have two lovely children and am very lonely. My husband left me four months ago, I have no family nearby and no one to turn to. I'd love even just one or two friends to chat to. I am quite shy and find it hard to make friends. I have sent a friend request to the Facebook page

Ok, after lurking on this thread for a day or so, I took the plunge.
Shame that there are so many of us, glad a support network can be made.
Nice work Anne Smith
:)

reluctanttownie I don't have children. Don't have a DP either I'm an approved adopter waiting for the right ones (children, not DPs. You can't adopt DPs. I don't think so anyway.) I'm on the FB group.

Hi
I have recently found my best friend isn't a person I can relie on when I need support. It is awful when you give so much to help and support and then they forget , or don't even attempt to help you .( i suffered a second miscarriage in June, and found that my best friend wasn't there for me at all).I helped my friend when she fell out with her aunt,mother, mutual friend and when her marriage broke up for a short time, and it is hurtful and upsetting to think they don't care.
I have a great friend at work who also miscarried last year and has been a real support.
I haven't fallen out with my other friend but hope she never needs a shoulder to cry on again, I'm not going to be her push-over any more...honest.( You'd think at my age I should've known by now.)

You are not alone! Looks like there are a lot of us alone together! I moved to Somerset from Hull (280 miles) 4 years ago and know lots of mums but no one I would be friends with for years I don't think. I have 3 good friends (all at least 200 miles away) and it can be very lonely here.

The feeling of always making the effort is a familiar one too.

The people I do know, the only things we have in common are that we have kids. I have bright pink hair, I'm into ska music and just don't look like I fit in with the posh mummies! May be I look scary!

Hope you all find some good long-term buds soon. xxx

ps. my mum is one of the happiest people I know and she only has 2 very close female friends, one she has known 50 odd years and one she still finds annoying after many years!

Advice - talk to and be nice to as many people as possible and see what happens!

this is so sad to hear but sounds pretty common. not sure why. Stay close to the lady at work, she sounds like she understands you x

I'm lonely too. I think I saw a couple of posters in/near Edinburgh? I would love to have a friend.

Hi
I just sent a request to Anne Smith - I'm another one with friends scattered all over the country but none near me! I relocated a few years ago to move in with DP as my job was easier to transfer than his, and haven't really met anyone since apart from work colleagues who already have their own social groups.

I'm not a mum either - but am in my 30's and past the days of going out on the lash every weekend!

LadyMaryCrawley ... me!!!!....see you on FB....

See you on facebook.

I've added Anne Smith as a friend, what a good idea..! I'm another one in the same boat. I checked out MN feeling lonely tonight and hoping for a distraction - can't believe I've found this thread full of people in the same boat as me. Since I've moved I have found a few local 'friends' but none of them close, they mostly socialise while I work, and I work at home so no chance of making friends that way. I don't get out much!

I know joining groups, meeting people with shared interests is a good way to go, but my DP works away and we don't have a lot of spare cash for babysitters. Having said that, I get the point made by another poster, I think in some ways I'm doing this to myself, and not making enough effort to change things.

I s'pose it's scary meeting new people and trying to get close (especially if you're a little insecure so don't push things, plus I'm fussy about who I want to be with.) I wonder if I hold myself back? Maybe I just stay in my comfort zone in this friendless life, and hope by some magic friendship will just happen.

I'm in Kent, though don't drive, would be nice to meet other MNers who understand this predicament.

I HEAR YOU! I just posted a similar thread this week: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1545319-Is-it-telling-that-there-is-no-thread-on-making-friends

I didn't mention on that post that I did have some success; met one mum who's DS got on very well with mine, but it soon transpired that I was free childcare. So now I'll admit that I'm a bit frightened that if my advances are reciprocated it will be for the wrong reasons!

They suggest that I shouldn't worry so much about meeting the mums, but if my boy wants to have a friend to visit, go ahead and invite them. Honestly I don't feel comfortable inviting a child over to play if I don't know their parents. Is that weird? I like to know what their disciplinary ideals are for one thing.

One mumsnetter suggested the "their life is full" theory, which seems likely. I know one mum like that - very nice, but already has the whole holiday booked up. That's ok. No hard feelings. I consider her a friendly face. Our kids are not so much into each other anyway and no matter what people may say about keeping kids friendships and parental friendships separate, I'm not sure that works for me. For one thing, if the kids are forever bickering how can you pursue a conversation??

Finally, I decided that I should just enjoy a self sufficient life - the playground is for dropping off / picking up my kid, not for meeting other parents. My global network of friends are always online for a chat and an exchange of ideas. As for friends for DS; term time for friends, holidays for family. We do see friends in Oxford and London from time to time, other than that there's plenty to do if you have a National Trust pass (or the like). As long as my kids have space to run they're happy. I don't need to force awkward interactions just so that they can meet with local kids.

So while I've taken my Mumsnet therapy and found my happy place within this situation, I still think it is disappointing how little the people I have encountered are interested in knowing me (I can't speak for others, for all I know they may be inviting all manner of exciting new people into their social lives). I didn't really expect so much, I mean I never expect to be entertained with daily afternoon teas. I guess I need very little at all, but it would be nice to know someone well enough to exchange ideas or to collaborate in entertaining the children.

And it has taken quite a while to come to this conclusion. In Sydney it was so different; granted I had no kids so that degree of complexity was absent. The friends I met through my sports team were so close they were like family. These people were friendly from the first instant, and the odd couple who took a little warming too were sort of diluted by the rest. One felt one could really be oneself, and if it took them a little longer to like that, so be it. Out here it's such an uphill struggle, you feel like every work you say count (usually against you)!

Anyway, the population of Winchester is not going to change. And nor am I. So I have accepted my situation. It would be lovely to stroll across the road to a good, old friend and have a coffee with minimal need for prior notice, once in a while. To have best friends with their kids just drop in because they happened to be out for a walk, or whatever, but that's not going to happen here.

I shall focus on my kids, and when they are at school, I'll cultivate my hobbies, and when I have enough time I'll get back to work, and who knows maybe there will be like minded people there. But I won't make the mistake of counting on it!

Oh bee, I wish I lived in your town! I will apply your philosophy here .

Great post Bee.

I have joined up to FB for this thread but have nooooo idea how it works .

Thank you Holler and MumPotNoodle. It's nice to be appreciated!

I started to feel really interested in the subject (now that I've stopped feeling grumpy about it) and it seems to me that someone should (or have they already?) write about what friendship is in the UK - what does it mean in this country? Is friendship different in the North and South? Different in England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland? Are different cities really more 'friendly' than others?

I lived in Australia for several years where 'mateship' is practically part of the constitution and I really feel that they are a nation who are more open to making freindships than people I have met since returning to the UK. Mateship is all about shared experience, so are Australians happier to share experiences with one another? Is it a case of warm climate, warm personality? Cold climate, cold personality? Is it a population thing? Are people less friendly when they live more closely to one another?

I would love to know your thoughts.

Hi Bee,

Really interesting question. I'm in a similar situation to you, moved to a new town, met a few friendly mums but most are socially well connected already, they have family and friends keeping them busy and happy, so it feels hard to break in.

I'm not sure it's a Brit vs Australia thing though. I noticed you said in your previous post you had friends 'from school, uni, work'. My take on it is that it's harder to get friendship going as a mum than it is in any of those situations.

I simply spend so little time with the same regular people as a mum. I think friendships are easily forged if you rub along together all day, share experiences, spend time with the same folks. As a mum knowing noone I get a 20 minute chat at a play group, maybe an awkward follow up meeting if we arrange to meet, and unless it goes brilliantly then the other mum heads back to her regular crowd. And why would I blame her, early stages of any relationship are hard work (small talk, ugh!) or is that just me as a reserved Brit? :)

I feel I need to meet someone and hit it off with them quickly, it's like blind dates for mums. How often do they work out well? when I worked in an office I never thought about friendship, there was always a gang of people about, and over time I'd made friends without even thinking about it.

I wish there was a kind of dating site for mums to meet, it would cut out some of the effort, all that hoping to run into the right kind of person!

Jo

I am sooo glad it isn't just me that feels like this this!! I was beginning to feel that I must have something wrong with me as I appear unable to meet (and keep) new friends.

I have a strong friend group in my home town but I live 2 hours from there now and despite meeting people in my new place I don't seem to be able to "click" with others as easily as I did say 7-8 years ago. I thought I had good friends where I live now, met through DS1 but recent events have made me rethink this. Bitchy comments made and people laughing at me behind my back have made me distance myself from them and reevaluate what I want from a friend and what I want for myself and family.

Bee I think your philosophy is the way forward and I strive to find this for myself. I do miss having someone to meet with for a coffee that I could have a laugh with without thinking "do you like me?".

This could of course now all go tits up when I send a friend request to Anne Smith but here goes...

Hi if anyone is from doncaster please get in touch if you would like to meet for a coffee.

Dating site for mums! Could be a lucrative niche
I think it's a good point though, it is like clumsy, embarrassing dating. And all the worse because you can't use your tits to your advantage .

Well, I met DH online, so maybe internet dating for mums is what I need!

hello all, I'm quite a late joiner to this, but feel very similar to you all. Have just seen the FB group and think it's a brilliant idea - have sent friend request! God I hope someone lives near me...