to be lonely....?

[WoodlandHills]

I can't be the only one....can I?

I feel like a real sad case writing this, and I really don't want this post to come across as self pitying - but I hardly have any real friends.

Up till early this year I had a close friend who lived near me, she was probably the nearest thing I had to a "best friend" our DC were close too....but we had a big falling out, it turned out she was not the person I thought she was, and she moved away (not because of the fall out). There was no going back anyway after what happened. I was pretty traumatised tbh and spent many weeks very upset, it was awful.

I also have a long term childhood friend, we were very close growing up and into our 20's, she was probably also another "best friend" ...but the last few years we have really grown apart, not sure why. But I am always the one doing the organising meet ups etc, and she often lets me down. It's quite soul destroying making all the effort as I feel if I didn't, I would never see her.

I then have 3 or 4 casual friends, but I just don't really click with them. I like to see them, but often feel awkward around them, run out of things to say etc. I would say they are "mum friends" - and I don't think I would be friends with them if it wasn't for having DC the same age.

I also feel I am quite a walkover, almost as if to get people to like me - for example one of these "friends" I was seeing quite a lot, but I realised whenever she wanted to meet, she was asking me to take her places all the time (I have a car, she didn't) but recently she has bought a car I never hear from her. god writing this down makes me embarassed tbh.

The summer holidays have brought it home to me even more, particularly this year as last summer hols I spent a lot of time with my ex friend. I do work, but only 2 days a week, and my job is not sociable at all so have not made any friends through work. So whenever I am not at work I am home with the DC, I make the effort and take them out, swimming, park, soft play etc but I feel so lonely even though I am with them. They are 6 and 3.

I have even tried netmums "meet a mum" service but not really had much joy.

I've spoken to local MNs on here more than once about meeting up, I've done the following up and they make excuses and it simmers into nothing. I think some women want to change their situation but subconsciously put up obstacles and barriers. I?m done with chasing, I won?t sit in the house and wilt, I have my own company.

My goodness, I am so glad that I found this thread! I was starting to believe that I was the only one, as all of the NCT/PNgroups I got to know seem to be all buddies and lovey dovey! I am having a bad few days (PMT??)Again, I have some lovely close (real) friends, and seem to be on friendly terms with most that I meet but I left them all behind when I relocated 70miles away, and I have struggled to make mumfriends, partly due to low self-esteem, shyness, social anxiety and depression, primarily due to a recent bad experience/toxic new friend who caused me grief, fed off of my low mood/openess/desperation for a shoulder and somehow turned some other new mum friends against me by saying some very wicked untrue things...I made the mistake of opening up about depression and she used my weakness as a weapon, along with spinning some yarns about me being her stalker - ironically, she was the one who 'stalked' me by bombarding meand wanting to see me constantly, then she turned odd and very cold!!! I am still in touch with some of the nicer mums, but after this person turned on me(she turns very quickly on people, either adores people or hates them intensely, she is quite nasty and bitter, and extremely jealous) and has been quite manipulative with other mums yet she seems to be 'in' with everyone, and it has had a ripple effect, insofar that I avoid alot of the groups now - I cannot bear to hear about her and her act of being a loving yummy mummy, as she has been so nasty and bitchy about many of her so-called friends too). I live in a small backwater town too, bit like Royston Vasey:( How is it that somebody so twisted and toxic can be so accepted in many groups, yet mums that hardly know me have been off with me? I've always been nice to people and never run them down, I don't think I smell too bad and yet I seem to attract the bitches and all hell ensues! It has got me down, and I miss my friends and family terribly...I am a part-time professional London worker and mid thirties, so I am too old and saggy for this nonsense:) Luckily, I do enjoy my own company with my little son, so we do have some great adventures and get out of town alot...and I have joined some groups outside of the insular town, in a vibrant town nearby, so there is hope...I hope...

No advice, just another one saying you're not alone
My DH works nights and spends all of his spare time on his pc, so we don't really spend much time together.
All of my friends are child free and go out drinking 4-5 times a week- I'm rarely invited anywhere as I don't have childcare and I'm pretty skint. None of them ever just want a quiet night in with me.
It is fucking lonely.

Blimey...quite a few of us dotted about, eh...why the heck do I NEVER meet people like you all, why do I meet complete opposites extroverts/bitches/show-offs/shallow moos/weak mares/gossipmongers...unless the decent ones are stuck at home/working away like us, or is it just we are too afraid to admit and open up for fear of rejection/attack, and just try to blend in when we are out...who knows...''you are not alone...ee-heee...shamone...''
On a serious note, it is a relief to read threads such as these and know that there is a genuine mumma here who feels your pain/disappointment/confusion and isn't mocking you, just sending out reassuring hugs and sympathy:)xxx

I have a very quiet life and have 1 real friend (I think!)
I'm a single sahm and my DS is sn so we have become quite isolated and have each other for company most of the time...though DS is happy in his own bubble and pretty much ignores my existence!

I seem to know lots of people but don't find friendship with them iykwim....

My ex was a very controlling person and this drove my friends away in the end...it seemed to happen without realising ....by the time I did realise...I had nobody left....

That was over 11yrs ago and since then I have met lots of people but have found it really difficult, I feel awkward, never sure what to say, I believe I am a nice person but just don't have much confidence and maybe trust issue's too.....I've been so hurt and let down that I think things scare me a bit too much now too

depression is a recurring black hole I slide into...it seems to go in cycles...dips and troughs
I get very lonely at times and it's pretty horrible....trying not to think about it and keep chin up and all that....pants!!

I'm a saddo I think and worry I'm too reclusive and not even part of society or community....just floating about in my own bubble....I like it this way most of the time...but then other times it just hits hard that existing is really hard sometimes.....

What a bundle of giggles I am....not!!! hahahahahaha

YANBU and you are not alone! I also think that sometimes, if you're not a working mum, you can't help but have more thinking time too, which can feed the issue. And life-styles change with different stages - when I was in my 20s and worked in London, it was different for me too. Don't be hard on yourself, you sound really lovely. Maybe just accepting this is the way it is at the moment will help. Stay true to yourself and the right people will find you.

Are any of you in derby?

If so pm me

I'm in scotland....Edinburgh to be more precise if anyone is around the same area

I'm in Milton Keynes, and I'm not as pathetic as my last post made me sound, honest

Wow so I'm not the only person to feel like this then?! My friends have falling away since leaving college years ago some my choice some there's. It's do hard to make new friends now. I'm expecting my first and in another post people said that once baby arrives it would be a good way to make new friends but from what you all have written here I'm not so sure?

Another lonely here. I'm glad I'm not alone if that makes sense :)

Anyone near oxford?

I get lonely too. I have people around me a lot but still get lonely. I have a boyfriend but it's not the same as having a close female friend. I lost a lot of friends when I was with my ex for various reasons and seem to find it more difficult to make friends these days I tend to keep people at arms length.

I have workmates and I have a few people I meet up with but we are not close I can't ring them at the drop of a hat for a cry or a moan or invite round for a takeaway and a glass of wine (do people still do this?)

I think a lot of adults end up like this I know a few people who don't have close friends or who are lonely for other reasons like all their friends have married and settled down. I think it's just a time we all go through in life and hopefully it will pass. But you could got through your whole adult life with a great social circle and still end up lonely in your old age.

For some reason, I think it's hard to make friends once you hit adulthood. I can't quite put my finger on why... perhaps it's because as children/in school there are few distractions, whereas once you hit adulthood you don't always "coincide" with the same people on a regular basis (esp if you're a SAHM). Everyone has other commitments. Other SAHMs have stuff on when you don't, and vice versa. If you work, even if you get on well with people they often don't do friendships outside work, or you drift when one or both of you change jobs.

Don't have an answer really. I go to lots of activities for the DCs and I just take it slowly with people. I think some people are meant to remain as acquaintances, and I'm happy with that. If any of them are meant to be lifelong/bosom buddies, it'll happen. I don't think it's something you can force.

Nowhere near milton keynes or Oxford I'm afraid but bumping in case anyone else is :)

If anyone else is in the Midlands btw, me and puds might be meeting if want to join us?

(Also think a MN come dine with me would be an AMAZING idea :o )

Hi woodland hills I'm in leics is that close to you both?

No, you're not the only one. I was very happy with my own company and the odd friend and work aquaintance until I had DD. Since then I have become more and more isolated, and although I have tons of acquaintances, mainly through DD, I can't say I've made many true friends. Life changes so much when you have kids, and there are so many other things to do, that friendship is too much bother for many people.

I'm wondering whether you may be trying too hard? You sound a kind, thoughtful person - perhaps you're too nice?

Another one here - considered starting a thread and here one already is! I had 2 close friends, introduced them to each other, now they're close friends and I'm - not. Last night they and their DPs went out for a meal together, preplanned, and at 7pm I was texted from the restaurant and invited to join them afterwards for drinks, which I declined - not from cutting off my nose but cos I thought I'd feel even more lonely and left out to be joining 2 couples who've already been out together a few hours. And okay, a bit cos I was miffed at being so obviously an afterthought.

They live close to each other and I'm on the other side of town, they're in couples and I'm single, I get why it happened but I still feel lonely. I'm not lonely for a partner I'm quite happy single, but I miss going out with friends and not feeling like the fifth wheel. Seems like there are quite few of us, knowing that helps.

I don't have any friends either. I don't even have a casual friend. I have about 50 people on fb who are mostly dp's family or people I went to school with (I think they just added me for numbers on their fb or just being nosy as they never "speak" to me) I admit I added them just so I can have some sort of

I don't have any friends either. I don't even have a casual friend. I have about 50 people on fb who are mostly dp's family or people I went to school with (I think they just added me for numbers on their fb or just being nosy as they never "speak" to me) I admit I added them just so I can have some sort of Interaction with people.

Df kindly pointed out once that I have no friends because I'm an arsehole (I try to be nice) and during a one sided argument after a drink he said he couldn't believe how my horrible bitch of a sil even managed to have friends (that cut me deep!)

I have had embarrassing thoughts that if I were to get married I would only have about 10 people from my side and that is close family with no one to be bridesmaid/maid of honour and no one to go out on a (dreaded) hen night with and if I was to die again I'd only have the same 10 people who would be there.

I would be mortified if dp's family found out I have no one as they are all social butterflies and very popular.

UserNameNotAvailable I had similar thoughts about my wedding we ended up with a very small family only one in the end mainly due to money and serious illness of some elderly family members but it was a good day.

Actually mother hood was one of the times when I did have a lot of very close friends it was great. However we had to move for work and while we kept in touch for some very busy years it did peter out.

I know a lot of people here now but haven't seem to translate this into proper friendships. I do think this is partly me - no family baby sitters, DC that are difficult to leave, lack of money for socializing, not driving, lots of bad things that have made us retreat a bit so in a just coping mechanism. It's also partly the area and it being hard to met other people.

I feel it when people I have know a long time talk about fb each other and texting or going out and doing stuff together. I don't get included in all that and I sometimes think since the DC I don't have much to talk about. I also feel it when I've spent all day with the DC and DH is away and I have had no adult talk.

Still I think its one of those things that with time and as DC get older and I have more energy, time and money and as our circumstances improve that will get better.

Me too. In fact, had a cry about it earlier. I.am.so.lonely

Same boat here. technically in the West Mids but it's a big place. Woodlands could you maybe let us know on here or by PM where you are likely to meet? I have also resorted to netmums meet a mum but only found mum friends of the style you describe.

I'm slightly in a different position in that I don't have kids.

I think its an age and settling down thing rather than just being down to children. I have the problem that everyone my age now has children, and I don't or they are single and still want to go out every night drinking, which I have no interest in and can't afford even if I did want to. Or they live a zillion miles away.

The friends I had all grew apart and moved away. Many live around the world; I always got on best with people who were from different backgrounds or wanted to travel too. Or they were male and well, thats a whole different thread. Either way, there was a certain inevitability to it.

I just don't really fit in anywhere tbh. I never have problems making friends in the past but now it seems like conversation rarely progresses past polite conversation - either because I have nothing to talk about or little in common with people. I'm dull. The nature of relationships seems to have completely changed post 28 years old. Its frustrating.

As for the wedding problem. Just elope or plan to marry abroad. Thats what I did - just me and DH and no one else at all. Meant the wedding didn't cost the earth, we didn't have the stress of having to deal with dysfunctional family or lack of friends. My wedding was brilliant and wonderfully romantic. Wouldn't have done anything differently.

I think that meeting people through hobbies or mum and toddler groups it can be hard to make new friends because unless they too are trying to make new friends (moved to a new area or something) other people often don't make the effort and it has to be a two way street.

I think it's easier to make connections with people in group activities that are emotionally charged (like postnatal or support groups) or potentially embarrassing where you have to put yourself out there and the group is supportive (like amateur dramatics, stand up comedy or creative writing). There's more incentive to bond, social barriers come down quicker and you get to know people in a shorter space of time.