To Sack my Maid of Honour?

[ViviPru]

Ok, so perhaps not that dramatic, but I'm considering relieving my friend of some of her 'duties' for our wedding.

We're planning a very relaxed wedding and don't have a traditional bridal party as such, but we want our close friends to feel included and valued. When we got engaged, the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play, between us we agreed she would organise a hen do, wear a dress (of her choosing) that was in keeping with the colour scheme (we'd always commented it was our shared favourite colour and she couldn't wait till DP and I got married one day so she could finally wear a dress she liked - been a bridesmaid loads of times and been made to wear some shockers in the past), we talked about her potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet. Tantamount to a maid of honour role, really.

She appeared to be keen and I let her lead the conversations when it came to working out the level of involvement she'd be comfortable with.

Now I most certainly do not expect anyone other than our parents to place any great importance on our wedding, but given the role she has agreed to play, I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm and my struggle to engage her with anything wedding related is now starting to make me feel a bit . It's really come home to me this week, I'd been burying my feelings but DP's best man has been setting the wheels in motion for the stag do with such enthusiasm which has highlighted to me the stark contrast with my friend. The only things I've asked her to do about a month ago are to look at a particular website of dresses to see if there's anything she likes, and to perhaps come up with some initial thoughts about possible hen ideas.

I spoke to her this evening and after an hour and a half of her telling me about her life, I tentatively brought up the subject of dresses and she said she'd been too busy to look, then the subject drifted onto other things... I couldn't even bring myself to mention the hen do after that.

She briefly acknowledged her lack of wedding-related interest, but said she'd been really busy lately (she is busy, its true) and suggested we have another chat at the weekend. Now considering I've been trying to schedule tonights chat for over a week, this had the air of the final straw about it for me.

I think she just is too busy for the level of involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed. I knew she was busy when we decided it, but I thought that her enthusiasm would make up for that but it hasn't. She also lives abroad so while this shouldn't make a massive difference in this day and age, it makes quick, frequent catch-ups less feasible.

I've another very good friend who lives in the next city and I know would be amazing at organising a hen do, and would love to be asked. I'm thinking of emailing friend 1 tomorrow and gently explaining that I think it would be easier if friend 2 sets the wheels in motion with the hen do, and calls on friend 1 for a bit of support as and when? I've kind of regretted not asking friend 2 to be a bridesmaid, but I was never going to have any anyway. I know it would really mean a lot to her, so I think if I go down this route I may ask her if she'd like to wear a 'bridesmaidy' dress and lead the search for their dresses too?

What do you think, AIBU to send that email? Am I just a sap who needs to man the fuck up? I just don't want to be that bratty bride

I rather suspect the best 'relaxed' events (including weddings) are those that have been well planned and organised, where attention has been paid to every little detail.

I'm the type who procrastinates to the point of driving other people mad. I've been accused of being so laid back that I'm horizontal. However, for something like this, the control freak in me comes out, I'd want everything sorted out well in advance so everyone would know what was happening and when. Then I could return to my relaxed state and forget all about it to the extent that I'd sit up in bed the night before thinking 'Oh fuck, it's my hen night tomorrow and I've nothing to wear.'

Vivi as pp's have suggested email some possible dates, choose the best one, then get friend 2 to start the practical organising of it. Tell friend 1 that because of her busy schedule you're going to get friend 2 to do the actual organisation but she can be involved by making suggestions, coming up with ideas.

It's not til April next year - that's months and months away. Many people don't even book for big family holiday that far in advance.

Honestly - the only thing you need to do now at such an early stage is come up with a date. Don;t try and fit it in with everyone - it never works. Just chose a date that is good for you and let everyone know it is then. If they can make it - great; if not - never mind. Get them to put it in their diary.

Then closer to the date make some plans - but get Christmas out of the way first!!!

As for the dress - why not choose a handful you like and just send those on. Does the decision need to be made now? How long do they take to arrive and be fitted?

It depends on the dress. Actual bridsmaid dresses can take up to 3 or 4 months to arrive. If it is off the peg then not really an issue.

I think it also depends how much people are going to be paying. Anything over £100 and i think the sooner the better.

Think DD's dress, which came from US via a bridal shop, took 2 months to arrive. Didn't have it fitted until 2-3 weeks before though as she was likely to grow.

I suppose as OP doesn't say what the hen do involved maybe it does need booking ages in advance. Guess I stillthink back to when a hen do was just going out for a laugh and a drink with your mates, with a meal thrown in.

"What I mean by not a traditional bridal party is we don't have bridesmaids, flower girls, ushers etc"

: a MOH is a chief bridesmaid, and who are all these girls that you're talking about giving 'bridesmaidy' dresses to and having weddingey meet ups with and getting involved in organising your hen do? if not bridesmaids?

There is no specific plan yet for the hen do, I was hoping that would be something my friend and I could start throwing ideas around with when we spoke last night. It could well be going out for a laugh and a drink, but as all my friends are so far flung, it will never be as simple as a night out at a nice restaurant nearby and a taxi home for everyone.

I seriously considered just inviting everyone here for a laid-back, fun night in the local and back to mine, but then I thought for once I'd like a break from playing host at home (again - our house feels like a B&B sometimes). I was never particularly fussed about a hen do, but people have been asking me about it and everyone seems really up for doing something, exacerbated by the 'launch' of the stag and a lot of the girls of the mind that what's good for the goose etc.

As far as the dress, there's no deadline, no panic, I just thought it would be a nice thing for us to think about together. I found a website with loads of dresses in the right colour and sent her a link to the page. Hardly taxing for her to have a quick look and yay or nay. Like Chaotic, I'd like as much of the things needing buying for the wedding sorted out sooner rather than later, so they can just be ticked off and forgotten about and her dress was one of those.

Lacking you're like a dog with a bone! There aren't 'all these girls' there's friend 2 who I honestly think would really love a bit of involvement and if I did decide to ask for her help with the hen it would be nice to make her feel more involved on the day too by co-ordinating her with friend 1 and giving her a clump of gyp to hold.

The girl suggested to be involved in the 'weddingy meet up' is the one who is a very close mutual friend with friend 1 and is the one person with the most awkward schedule, so would make sense to have her input from the outset.

Honestly!!

If there's no deadline and no panic why are you getting her up? If you do actually want these things sorted then perhaps you need to let her know that before out of the blue dumping her for not doing something that you had previously given no sense of urgency to?
You said in your OP you didn't even ask her about the hen, and that all you wanted to do was kick ideas about, yet actually you seem to be fretting about dates and details. If you're fretting about dates, set a date. If you want to talk details, book in a proper chat about it, if you want to order a dress, give a deadline. Stop fannying around pretending you don't care when actually you do.

Getting het up I mean

I think that's an unfair post, noble. I didn't ask her about the hen because she spent an hour and a half bemoaning her life and being an hour ahead by the time she let up, and was yawning about needing to go to bed, I thought it inappropriate and pointless to say 'oh by the way, you know two weeks ago we said we'd have a chat about the hen do - can we do that now?'. As far as I was concerned, I had booked in a proper chat about it - last night's chat.

sorry you sound really passive aggressive with all this 'relaxed-i-don't-mind' whereas clearly you do! I doubt many people would think the dress would be 'a nice thing for us to think about together.' People can act enthusiastic and say they want to be involved but really - it is your day, take control and if you really want friends involved ask them to choose a reading or whatever..
What is the stag going to involve? Sounds like you want to match it in some way

IMHO, organise your own hen do. You will know what it costs, and who is likely to come. I think they are over rated, unless of the simple meal out type. Don't feel obliged to have one on the same scale as the grooms stag.

One thing that occurred to me, is your friend married herself or in a long term relationship? If not could it be a case of "always the bridesmaid never the bride" which she is finding hard to cope with?

Whatever happens, you don't need to have attendants at all, especially if you think she might let you down at the last minute due to her busy life, which could be a possibility. You gave her two suggestions for the hen which she gave you no feedback on, she is too busy to look for dresses or give any indication of those that she liked, she bends your ear over every aspect of her life but doesn't ask you about yours. My feeling is if she were still keen to be MOH she would make the effort for her good friend and also the time. I wouldn't rely on her if she can't even discuss things with you.

having 2 girls who will probably wear coordinated dresses, and who you plan to do some weddingey stuff with, IS having bridesmaids?

even having a MOH TYPE person is having a bridesmaid

I really think things would run smoother for you if you let go of this idea of being able to SAY you're not doing the traditional things, when you actually are, and gave these women the honour of the titles that they deserve if they are going to do weddingy girly things with you and trot around in coordinated dresses with you.

How can she be excited about doing bridesmaidy things when you refuse to call her a bridesmaid?

TBH does not sound like you are having a 'relaxed' wedding. My wedding was relaxed, I had no bridesmaids or any of that jazz. Only me and my other half did the organizing, other people just had to turn up. Now thats relaxed.

Is it the truth that you may be lacking in enthusiasm and you are trying to feed of some one elses.

At the end of the day, its just one day. When you have been married 20 years like me its all less important.

"you don't need to have attendants at all" exactly, you could get on with it on your own without the girly excitement you seem to crave, but you don't seem like you genuinely want that, you seem like you actually DO want the girly excitement of bridesmaids, you just wont say it for what it is?

it's okay to change your mind, if you are worried that you've banged on about not having a traditional wedding party too much to go back on it, honestly, noone will care if you now say "I thought I didn't want the girly bit, but I do, so now I'm having a MOH and a second bridesmaid"

I agree with that numbertaker

Can people just read my posts if they're going to have such forthright opinions please? I SAID 'relaxed' was the wrong word. Is it the truth that you may be lacking in enthusiasm and you are trying to feed of some one elses. I don't understand this comment at all.

Lacking you're completely missing the point. I think if I said (or had said) to friend "Please will you be my bridesmaid" it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to her level of interest.

girly friend is in a long term relationship, yes.

As for matching the stag do, that's just nonsense. I can't see how anyone could draw that conclusion from my posts. All I said was it would be nice to enjoy the excitement and anticipation that DP is having about his stag.

Stag do's always have a ridiculous amount of fuss around them, IME.

I didn't bang on about anything. Unless not asking anyone to be a bridesmaid could be classified as 'banging on'. You're so stuck on this title thing, if you think it will help, I'll email my friend now and say 'oh you know you jokingly referred to yourself as a maid of dishonour, well I'd now like you to be known officially as Maid Of Honour and commence your associated duties forthwith'

As for the 'second bridesmaid' - getting the other friend involved is something I've literally just started considering, it hasn't crossed my mind yet whether I'd bestow an official title on her or not

"Lacking you're completely missing the point. I think if I said (or had said) to friend "Please will you be my bridesmaid" it wouldn't make a scrap of difference to her level of interest"

of course it could, I'ld be much more involved and forthcomming if I was an actual bridesmaid! If the bride sounded like she couldn't make up her mind if she actually wanted bridesmaids or not I'ld take a step back

if you want people to be enthusiatic and involved, ASK THEM TO BE INVOLVED. Properly. Or else just invite them to the day as a regular guest and see them then.

Which do you want? "special" girl friends who are more involved in your day than regualr guests, or to just do it yourself and see them all on the day? This neither here nor there option obviously isn't satisfying you or your friend

if it took someone weeks to decide whether to even ask me properly or not, I would be somewhat less honoured by being asked

I really think you need to decide, bridesmaids or no bridesmaids, and if its no bridesmaids that means none of the things that go along with having bridesmaids

I think that you are throwing your toys out of the pram, you just cannot control someones levels of excitement and commitment. I assume you asked her on the basis of a past friendship, and not on a current performance of a bridesmaid to be.

If you 'de-bridesmaid' her I am sorry to say this but you will look like a chump/bridezilla.

I also think that you should re-set you expectations of what you want for your wedding, and what is reality. I have been to many weddings and most, if not all of them are totally forgettable, even my own.

Its the marraige not the party. Good Luck.

Lacking, I'm struggling to believe you can have that opinion given the things I have said:

the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play... between us we agreed she would organise a hen do.. wear a dress in keeping... potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet.

She wanted to organise it... it was almost a given that she would organise mine

I've given her a couple of specific suggestions already

When I chatted with friend 1 we concluded it would be a kind of maid of honour thing (although I believe the actual term used was 'Matron of Dishonour')

so you asked her to be involve, asked her how, she basicially said she'ld love a MOH/BM role.. and then.. you don't ask her to be MOH/BM so she cools off, and you are piss off that her enthusiasm has waned?