To Sack my Maid of Honour?

[ViviPru]

Ok, so perhaps not that dramatic, but I'm considering relieving my friend of some of her 'duties' for our wedding.

We're planning a very relaxed wedding and don't have a traditional bridal party as such, but we want our close friends to feel included and valued. When we got engaged, the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play, between us we agreed she would organise a hen do, wear a dress (of her choosing) that was in keeping with the colour scheme (we'd always commented it was our shared favourite colour and she couldn't wait till DP and I got married one day so she could finally wear a dress she liked - been a bridesmaid loads of times and been made to wear some shockers in the past), we talked about her potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet. Tantamount to a maid of honour role, really.

She appeared to be keen and I let her lead the conversations when it came to working out the level of involvement she'd be comfortable with.

Now I most certainly do not expect anyone other than our parents to place any great importance on our wedding, but given the role she has agreed to play, I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm and my struggle to engage her with anything wedding related is now starting to make me feel a bit . It's really come home to me this week, I'd been burying my feelings but DP's best man has been setting the wheels in motion for the stag do with such enthusiasm which has highlighted to me the stark contrast with my friend. The only things I've asked her to do about a month ago are to look at a particular website of dresses to see if there's anything she likes, and to perhaps come up with some initial thoughts about possible hen ideas.

I spoke to her this evening and after an hour and a half of her telling me about her life, I tentatively brought up the subject of dresses and she said she'd been too busy to look, then the subject drifted onto other things... I couldn't even bring myself to mention the hen do after that.

She briefly acknowledged her lack of wedding-related interest, but said she'd been really busy lately (she is busy, its true) and suggested we have another chat at the weekend. Now considering I've been trying to schedule tonights chat for over a week, this had the air of the final straw about it for me.

I think she just is too busy for the level of involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed. I knew she was busy when we decided it, but I thought that her enthusiasm would make up for that but it hasn't. She also lives abroad so while this shouldn't make a massive difference in this day and age, it makes quick, frequent catch-ups less feasible.

I've another very good friend who lives in the next city and I know would be amazing at organising a hen do, and would love to be asked. I'm thinking of emailing friend 1 tomorrow and gently explaining that I think it would be easier if friend 2 sets the wheels in motion with the hen do, and calls on friend 1 for a bit of support as and when? I've kind of regretted not asking friend 2 to be a bridesmaid, but I was never going to have any anyway. I know it would really mean a lot to her, so I think if I go down this route I may ask her if she'd like to wear a 'bridesmaidy' dress and lead the search for their dresses too?

What do you think, AIBU to send that email? Am I just a sap who needs to man the fuck up? I just don't want to be that bratty bride

Why can't you decide a date and then she can book and organise stuff at her leisure while your friends know the date for their diaries?

are you paying for this "dress of her choosing" which is to be inkeeping with the colourscheme, so IS in every way a bridesmaids dress?

if not she is NU to feel less than enthusiastic about shopping for it!

April?! Maybe you just need to explain as you did above that although it seems ages away, here's the reasons why you want to start planning it now. She probably doesn't get why you're arranging it so far in advance! I wouldn't but a dress now to wear in April, might not fit!

YABU.
You could start planning this next January and still have loads of time.

You're saying one thing ie, you're not bothered and it's all chilled but I reality you want to be fussed over and are in danger of crossing over to the dark side.... Bridezilla territory!!

ooh you're getting a bit of a slating on this thread.
YANBU but I don't know what the best thing to do is

Just pick a date and tell the rest of your friends. To be honest I think you're giving out mixed messages. You want to sound all 'relaxed' about it, but you also come across as a little bit of a bridezilla. Maybe she genuinely thinks you are relaxed? It is months away. Pick a date and give her some time.

Crikey, April! I think I would just tell her that people are hassling you for a date, so could we sort that out and then stop panicking about it until early next year. I'm not much help, I went from deciding to get married to the big day in 10 weeks

Yes, pick the date (or at least decide if it's the same as / different to the stag do weekend) and let people know, then she can fill in the details later

You should choose the date for the hen party even if you don't want to organise it, surely?

Presumably you also choose who to invite. And wouldn't you also choose where to go and what to do?

I think you should arrange the hen party yourself. Your friends can think of games or accessories if they want to. Then you can relax a bit.

As for the dresses, I think you need to plan a shopping trip together. Presumably you are paying for your 2 friends' dresses?

Friends genuine desire to help doesn't generally translate into having the time ime. Also nobody is even ten percent as into your wedding as you are. Stop waiting for other people, just do this yourself.

I don't think you have to organise the hen party yourself.

However (unless all your friends know each other and know you and your other half very, very well), key things like setting the date, putting together a guest list and establishing the cost/length of the hen party are your job. (e.g. are you having a local night out or expecting to go away for the weekend - what would be a fair budget for your guests?)

Once you have these things in place, I think it is likely that any other hen party guests who want to be involved in organisation will volunteer their help (particularly if you subtly hint to them that this would be welcome).

I was once a sacked maid f honour.

Friend was all relaxed and laid back, like you, but not really! Like you.

This was very confusing. I did no know what she wanted, and I was evntually uninvited for lack of enthusiasm!

I thought the laidbackness was genuine, that she genuinely did not want. Big hen o or fuss, but she ended up as bridezilla as mst brides.

Have you seen Brdesmaids by the way? Might be relevant viewing!

Organise your own hen do.

Also you're saying one thing 'relaxed, no hassle, loose arrangements, no fuss' and then actually behaving entirely opposite to that.

If you want to be made a fuss of that's fine, but I think you might need to give the bridesmaids more of an official role and buy the dress. What will you do if you hate the dress choice?

I can see why this is difficult or you. You all seem to have linked willingness to organise shit and affection in your heads.
You are also not getting that your description of what you want is clear and straightforward to you yet contradictory and muddled to me.

A chilled out family wedding does not mean a hen night organised 6 months ahead. A mate helping out and having a role on the day does not equate to choosing a frock which co ordinates with your colour scheme six months ahead either.

Maybe you should take a dep breath and stop talking relaxed and low key when actually you want exactly what you want?

I am not criticising. I need structure. I need to know stuff is booked or I fret. But if you are talking in happy yet wafty terms maybe your friend imagined a glass of wine and a shopping trip and late nights choosing friends to arrive at a venue a few weeks before.

Maybe you are not recognising the 'oh yeah, I am just chilled and want friends around me and laughter and love' is not really sitting with 'but can we search websites now for the perfect co ordinating yet not too bridesmaidy dress'

If you really really do want a casual wedding then I would honestly try to chill a bit as it is early. But to put your mind at rest book a date for the hen night and tell her exactly what you want.

Otherwise accept that you want a small wedding but actually no, not laid back and relaxed (which is absolutely fine) and ask one one to sort out now exactly what you want and tell your friend that

I would personally start to think about the hen now and at least email everyone invited to start making sure they were all available and think of ideas.

I don't think its shockingly early.

I second what Pag said.

If you want, at least, the date for Hen night booked now, then speak to your MoH. If she can't do it then book it yourself.

You sound a bit like my friend with her wedding. Desperate to be relaxed and accomodating for everyone but at the same time had a vision of how you want things to be.

Chill out a bit. I really think whether it was you or Moh who booked the Hen night date and whether she is wearing the right colour dress or not, it really does not matter, and after the event the you will realise that.

Sorry meant to say, there is nothing wrong with wanting to book the date now or wanting things just how you want them.

Anyway, hope it all comes good.

YABU

I have a friend also similarly obsessed with her wedding next year, tbh she is becoming a nause going on about something which is clearly the biggest event in her life, but to the exclusion of any other subject. Are you doing that?

Ask your other friend if she is more keen but I'd suspect you might find similar cool interest until ooh, the new year?!!

Vivi you are getting a hard time here, but I completely agree with Pag.

The thing is, anything you do which involves a large number of people and a significant outlay of cash needs to be organised by its very nature.

With the hen, you need to get a date sorted. When people have got work commitments and kids then you can't sort it a month ahead unless you are prepared for 50% of people not to make it.

I organised my own hen, far easier than trying to get someone else to do it in the way I wanted them too!

Thanks all, great post, Pag.

I concede IBU. I'm genuinely not massively fussed about a hen do or the dresses or any of that guff, and this wasn't particularly an issue for me until DP's best man started the ball rolling with the stag stuff last week. He emailed me asking about our plans, then yesterday evening he and DP were backwards and forwards all evening making plans and getting hyped. It was the catalyst to make me think ooh, it would be nice to see what friend 1 has in mind, can't wait to chat with her later. Only to have the conversation detailed above which left me feeling a bit flat.

I didn't word it properly when I said 'feeling a bit let down' by that, I really meant 'feeling a bit deflated' As with most things in life (and AIBU) it's not just about the micro-issue. On reflection this is probably more about my realisation of the wider dynamic of our friendship, and this 'issue' has just brought a couple of things into sharper focus. I won't 'punish' her though for broader problems (for want of a better word) but making a big fuss about whether she is or isn't called a 'maid of honour'

Yes I'm paying for the dresses [rolleyes]

*BY making a big fuss that should have said

Nice, where have I given the impression I'm obsessed with my wedding? Yes, I'm talking abut it here on MN but that's pointedly so I don't bore anyone IRL with it. Quite the contrary, the problem probably more stems from my desire to play it down and not become like your friend that I'm almost going to far the other way.

I have a group of 6 friends who try to get together for a weekend every few months.

None of us have children and it's still hard to find a weekend when all of us can do. I can totally sympathise with wanting the date of the hen do fixed (even if nothing else, just pick a weekend and whatever you choose to do can fit around it).

my friends managed to work up some enthusiasm for my wedding and hen do though I'm sure they all had other things going on in their lves. It's what friends do isn;t it? yes it;s not wedding of the century for them, but it is the wedding of a close friend and if you can't genuinely be interested you can at least make an attempt to fake it.

Trills you are right, it is hard to get everyone free at the same time.

OP maybe text/emaiul or phone your friends with a choice of 2/3 dates and the one with the majority is the date you book. At least then it is one thing off your list and your friends have a date to plan around.

I understand the feeling deflated bit. When I was planning my wedding I asked my best friend to be a bridesmaid or do a reading and her response was that she wasn't "into weddings". My mum is dead, my sister lives on the other side of the world so I thought she was the closest person to be able to share it with me. She didn't want to. I was hurt and felt deflated but in the end I had to get on and do it alone.

X post with stealth I wish you had been my friend for my wedding. I didn't ask for much, just a "how are the plans coming on?" type thing.