To Sack my Maid of Honour?

[ViviPru]

Ok, so perhaps not that dramatic, but I'm considering relieving my friend of some of her 'duties' for our wedding.

We're planning a very relaxed wedding and don't have a traditional bridal party as such, but we want our close friends to feel included and valued. When we got engaged, the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play, between us we agreed she would organise a hen do, wear a dress (of her choosing) that was in keeping with the colour scheme (we'd always commented it was our shared favourite colour and she couldn't wait till DP and I got married one day so she could finally wear a dress she liked - been a bridesmaid loads of times and been made to wear some shockers in the past), we talked about her potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet. Tantamount to a maid of honour role, really.

She appeared to be keen and I let her lead the conversations when it came to working out the level of involvement she'd be comfortable with.

Now I most certainly do not expect anyone other than our parents to place any great importance on our wedding, but given the role she has agreed to play, I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm and my struggle to engage her with anything wedding related is now starting to make me feel a bit . It's really come home to me this week, I'd been burying my feelings but DP's best man has been setting the wheels in motion for the stag do with such enthusiasm which has highlighted to me the stark contrast with my friend. The only things I've asked her to do about a month ago are to look at a particular website of dresses to see if there's anything she likes, and to perhaps come up with some initial thoughts about possible hen ideas.

I spoke to her this evening and after an hour and a half of her telling me about her life, I tentatively brought up the subject of dresses and she said she'd been too busy to look, then the subject drifted onto other things... I couldn't even bring myself to mention the hen do after that.

She briefly acknowledged her lack of wedding-related interest, but said she'd been really busy lately (she is busy, its true) and suggested we have another chat at the weekend. Now considering I've been trying to schedule tonights chat for over a week, this had the air of the final straw about it for me.

I think she just is too busy for the level of involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed. I knew she was busy when we decided it, but I thought that her enthusiasm would make up for that but it hasn't. She also lives abroad so while this shouldn't make a massive difference in this day and age, it makes quick, frequent catch-ups less feasible.

I've another very good friend who lives in the next city and I know would be amazing at organising a hen do, and would love to be asked. I'm thinking of emailing friend 1 tomorrow and gently explaining that I think it would be easier if friend 2 sets the wheels in motion with the hen do, and calls on friend 1 for a bit of support as and when? I've kind of regretted not asking friend 2 to be a bridesmaid, but I was never going to have any anyway. I know it would really mean a lot to her, so I think if I go down this route I may ask her if she'd like to wear a 'bridesmaidy' dress and lead the search for their dresses too?

What do you think, AIBU to send that email? Am I just a sap who needs to man the fuck up? I just don't want to be that bratty bride

Seriously, why can't you organise your own hen do?

It's not about the hen do nkf - I thought I made that clear. It's about something that is important to me, something big that's going on in my life not being acknowledged at all while I constantly offer support and a sounding board for every tiny detail of what's going on in her life.

If you read my posts on this thread nkf you would be able to answer that question yourself.

I know (sort of) but ultimately, it's a lot of shopping isn't it? You've met the man you want to marry and that is wonderful and if she wasn't happy about that, I would be worried. But the rest of it is just shopping. Even for my dearest friend, I couldn't work up enthusiasm about swatches and favours etc and all the many decisions the bride has to make.

I know you haven't ask her for help. I'm just trying to point out the gap between her idea of how she would like to be involved and the reality of what this role entails. For instance, if she lives abroad and actually wants to help you out, even in a casual way, has she booked some time off work before the wedding? Is she planning to be in the country a couple of days beforehand (sounds like it will be all hands on deck if it is very much a DIY affair) or is she planning to just turn up?

I'm not asking that though - I'm just asking her to have a few ideas about the elements of the wedding she herself expressed a desire to be involved with.

I'm assuming she will just turn up, Merry. I'm very conscious and sympathetic of her travelling and leave and all of the associated issues she has around that. I'm very realistic about the actual practical level of involvement people can and will have.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, my only expectations of her thus far have been to click on a link to a dress website and have a think about two suggestions I made for a hen do.

Do you want a discussion or do you want what you want? If you want to analyse and compare and look in bridal mags, you need the sort of maid of honour who wants to do that. If you want to take someone up on their offer of help, then tell them what you want. You don't sound relaxed at all. Look at the phrasing in your OP.
"involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed."
"lead the search for their dresses. "
"amazing at organising a hen do."

It doesn't sound relaxed to me. It sounds like a job.

That's just semantics, nkf. I prefer to use exacting language to get my point across on here, that's no reflection on how relaxed I may or may not be. Besides, I've redressed my misuse of the term 'relaxed' already in this thread.

I HAVE told her what I want! I told her to look at a friffin website and think about my suggestions. You're just determined to see this your way, aren't you nkf?

I think what you want from her is to be interested in your wedding, or failing that to pretend interest, because she is your friend. You want her to define her role, but she hasnt really got any further than 'maybe wear a dress of my choice and be in the wedding party, but I'm not too interested in choosing a dress at the moment '. This is upsetting you, understandably IMO as it is a symptom of a friendship that isn't as strong as it was.

However your OP was should this person be my MoH? My answer is, if you want somebody to contribute practically to your wedding, this is not the right person. If you just think she is being a bit rubbish friend, well, you could be right (assuming no other mitigating factors) but there isn't much you can do about it.

Okay. Well to return to your original post. I think it would not be unreasonable to sack her. Employ the other friend.

Thanks both :)

maybe your vagueness is doing the opposite of creating a relaxed wedding, like when people think no seating plan is more relaxing for guests IYKWIM

she's sort of MOH but you haven't actually asked her to be MOH, is she even an official bridesmaid? can see why the vagueness might be irritating! make up your mind, are you having a bridal party, if so, ask people properly, if not, let them off the hook

You could have a point there, Lacking. For all of the other people specifically involved, we have given an 'invitation to be involved' as it were along with their save the dates, based on original chats we'd had with them. These outlined lightheartedly but clearly what our expectations are. For example one of our friends is playing a master of ceremonies role, so we wrote that we'd like him to introduce the speeches etc.

With the best man and this friend though we didn't bother as we'd already talked about it with them in greater detail, and so it just seemed less necessary. I have perhaps misjudged that though.

can you tell MOh that you have decided to have another bridesmaid?

then put the 2 in touch and let them crack on with it?

I wouldn't sack the first one - just have another bridesmaid and if she 'takes over' on the organisation front - so be it!

sorry - I meant have an additional bridesmaid - not one instead of hte other

being involved in a wedding is actually a ball ache, but you do it because you love the couple (or at least half of them) - in return you get the "honour" of being invited to have the title of MOH or BM or witness etc, which is nice, its really touching to be asked to be a BM. Doing the actual job isn't much of a pleasure, but the pleasure comes from the fact that your friend asked you IYWKIM

I am a bridesmaid for my friend. There is no date set for her wedding yet.

So far, me and the other bridesmaids have had a night in at her house where we all had a few drinks, watched a dvd and painted nails etc, as a bit of a bonding thing (we'd all met before but out of the four of us, one is her sister, one a school friend, one a work friend-I am friends seperately with her sister, the school friend I have known for years, her work friend had met us very briefly) this was fine, a nice relaxed night to bond-we didn't even discuss weddings!

Second time we met up was another night at her house-lots of tea, nibbles and a nosy online at dresses, chatting about the colours she liked and what sort of dresses-she announced she wants us to choose our own dress within her scheme so all four of us get something we like, that flatters us. Two of the bridesmaids couldnt make this night.

All four of us, along with her mum, her future mil and a wedding mad friend of hers went to a wedding fair.

And, last time I saw her, I asked how the wedding plans were going-she said they're not (she has been very ill) and then we talked about other things.

Sounds similar to Vivi-obviously location means her and her friend can't have a night in where they look online at dresses, so by e-mail is the next best thing. I don't think you're being unreasonable wanting her to have a quick look at a website and say 'oh I like that dress, ugh that one is awful, that one is ok etc etc' 20 mins of a job maybe? Same with the hen do suggestions-for her to say 'oh, a spa day, that sounds good' and 'ooh no I don't fancy paintballing' or whatever, in the course of a conversation. None of those two asks take up a lot of time IMO

I'ld feel awkward doing all that stuff, and being dressed up in the colours on the day, with people saying "oh you're one of the bridesmaids aren't you?" and not being able to say yes IYKWIM

I don't know why you've avoided the titles but are still having a wedding party?

Master of ceremonies?? Roles issued to friends? You're not actually having a relaxed wedding at all are you?

I organised my wedding in three months. Set a date and even if your friend hasn't done anything in a couple of months you'll still have loads of time to organise a hen do.

custard that all sounds really nice - I'm a bit . It'd be nice to go about it that way and to be fair to my friend she did suggest we all get together with the girl who's busy next april (they're v. good friends) to have a bit of a pow-wow. I had to point out that this would be lovely but perhaps might be tricky when friend 1 is only able to come at the weekend and the other girl works every weekend. I'm also conscious of asking her to fly back again when I'm often on the receiving end of her moans about the expense and hassle of travelling backwards and forward all the time for other commitments.

Part of agreeing for friend 1 to have a bit of a role is because she feels so out on a limb being abroad. I felt that online shopping for dresses (which we together over email all the time as a bit of sport) and looking into some hen ideas would be a low-chore way for her to feel included remotely.

the MoC thing is a bit of a joke, noble. I could go on about the tone of our wedding and our specific relationships and characters with those involved but it's not strictly relevant and would probably bore you all. I didn't say I was avoiding titles, just that we don't have a traditional bridal party as such. I was never bothered about having bridesmaids, I could take or leave it. The best man kind of assumed his own role as DP's best friend and DP was his best man. When I chatted with friend 1 we concluded it would be a kind of maid of honour thing (although I believe the actual term used was 'Matron of Dishonour')

AND (for the last time) I ALREADY SAID I MISUSED THE WORD RELAXED!!!!!!

"just that we don't have a traditional bridal party as such."

BUT YOU DO! you just havent honoured them with the actual titles!

Well, we have, there's the best man, the master of ceremonies, and the matron of dishonour - I don't really get the relevance

What I mean by not a traditional bridal party is we don't have bridesmaids, flower girls, ushers etc.