To Sack my Maid of Honour?

[ViviPru]

Ok, so perhaps not that dramatic, but I'm considering relieving my friend of some of her 'duties' for our wedding.

We're planning a very relaxed wedding and don't have a traditional bridal party as such, but we want our close friends to feel included and valued. When we got engaged, the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play, between us we agreed she would organise a hen do, wear a dress (of her choosing) that was in keeping with the colour scheme (we'd always commented it was our shared favourite colour and she couldn't wait till DP and I got married one day so she could finally wear a dress she liked - been a bridesmaid loads of times and been made to wear some shockers in the past), we talked about her potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet. Tantamount to a maid of honour role, really.

She appeared to be keen and I let her lead the conversations when it came to working out the level of involvement she'd be comfortable with.

Now I most certainly do not expect anyone other than our parents to place any great importance on our wedding, but given the role she has agreed to play, I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm and my struggle to engage her with anything wedding related is now starting to make me feel a bit . It's really come home to me this week, I'd been burying my feelings but DP's best man has been setting the wheels in motion for the stag do with such enthusiasm which has highlighted to me the stark contrast with my friend. The only things I've asked her to do about a month ago are to look at a particular website of dresses to see if there's anything she likes, and to perhaps come up with some initial thoughts about possible hen ideas.

I spoke to her this evening and after an hour and a half of her telling me about her life, I tentatively brought up the subject of dresses and she said she'd been too busy to look, then the subject drifted onto other things... I couldn't even bring myself to mention the hen do after that.

She briefly acknowledged her lack of wedding-related interest, but said she'd been really busy lately (she is busy, its true) and suggested we have another chat at the weekend. Now considering I've been trying to schedule tonights chat for over a week, this had the air of the final straw about it for me.

I think she just is too busy for the level of involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed. I knew she was busy when we decided it, but I thought that her enthusiasm would make up for that but it hasn't. She also lives abroad so while this shouldn't make a massive difference in this day and age, it makes quick, frequent catch-ups less feasible.

I've another very good friend who lives in the next city and I know would be amazing at organising a hen do, and would love to be asked. I'm thinking of emailing friend 1 tomorrow and gently explaining that I think it would be easier if friend 2 sets the wheels in motion with the hen do, and calls on friend 1 for a bit of support as and when? I've kind of regretted not asking friend 2 to be a bridesmaid, but I was never going to have any anyway. I know it would really mean a lot to her, so I think if I go down this route I may ask her if she'd like to wear a 'bridesmaidy' dress and lead the search for their dresses too?

What do you think, AIBU to send that email? Am I just a sap who needs to man the fuck up? I just don't want to be that bratty bride

That's just it, Stealth, everyone else is really excited and even though I'm honestly trying not to be a wedding bore, people just want to get excited and look forward to it, make plans and get hyped. Apart from friend 1 it seems.

A few of you have said I just need to get on with sorting a date. I think that's the key thing, that's the thing stressing me a bit. that like Trills says it's really hard to get everyone together so the earlier you can all agree a date the better. Once that's sorted everything else can just wait.

Exactly. Sort out the date, then I bet you will breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I would say, let those who are excited help and gee (is that a word?) you along, and those who aren't, well just let them be.

I sympathise entirely with wanting to get the date of the hen do sorted out ahead of time - especially if it's likely to be anywhere near school holidays. So in that respect YANBU, but I would in fact email everyone you want to come and give them a list of possible dates, see who can do what and then pick one. Do this yourself.

I was chief bridesmaid for a friend who didn't really want any; she had 5 family children foisted onto her by prospective BILs/SILs so I was drafted in to "keep them in hand" - but then I was given responsibility for the hen do, which was going to be in Dublin (yes, I know). Lots of emails, lots of phonecalls, date selected, couple of months ahead (so a lot closer than 7m) - and then the fecking bride blew us out because she discovered a wedding invitation that clashed! I ended up going on my own, because I couldn't bear to waste the unrefundable flight, but also because I wouldn't make her pay for it (like one of the other guests did).

So - YOU sort the date out. Please :)

Thumbwitch Can't believe the bride blew you out! Bloody hell.

That is why you sort the date out yourself and leave the optionals to your MoH/bf/most excited guests.

I know! I wasn't happy... but it all worked out in the end.

Glad it all came good, but still, jeez, some people!

I sent out a save the date email for my fiends hen, with a details to follow type message. Then I got everyones commitment to coming to the day/eve and started planning from there. Many things will be difficult to do if there is a massive group of you, equally if there are less than 8 alot more options become available. Do that part, then pass the rest on to your friend.

pag is spot on, as usual.

vivi, your posts sound very measured and well thought out, but you do give me the impressions of being rather exacting.

Oh no poor you. Every wedding has its own pace and timeline, and it's ok to plan things in advance! It's also ok to want to get excited about things & feel close to your friends.

Does the maid of honor know the stag do is being organised now? She sounds very difficult to deal with, someone being evasive & slippery can end up making you feel demanding and miserable as you try & pin them down & hope they'll start paying attention to the things they matter to you. Maybe am biased as my best friends did this to me & I ended up with NO hen night at all! Extreme case but makes me sympathetic to your plight!

Here's my suggestion: ask other friend, explain the difficulty making sure she doesn't think she's being asked as a second best choice - but being honest about why you feeling worried about the current situation. Make it really clear what you are hoping for... That joy & anticipation of planning together & really celebrating friendships and your wedding.

THEN take original maid of honour out for a drink or something. Here's the tricky bit!

Explain that you fear you are asking too much of her (busy/ far blah blah), & you are really worried its starting to mar your friendship & that you font ever want a wedding to get in the way of such a close friendship & you really worried. That you don't want to put her in an awkward position (!) so you've made a decision that means air can be cleared & there's no pressure on her cos that's the last thing you want...

Ask her to do something with you that's really special, like spa trip before wedding, or put her 'in charge' of helping you choose/ arrange something else (errr, table decorations? Favors? Hair piece shopping? Shoes? Something old/ new / borrowed/ blue?)... Anythjng that's easier for her to organise & you can always do on your own if push came to shove! Basically an extra that seems important but that you don't have so much invested in!

Make it all about you being ultra sensitive that 'the wedding will come between uou', make a bit a fuss of her...

OR if you don't want to preserve friendship... Just tell her straight/ by email & wait for a flounce!!!

A difficult one to handle & good luck!

Just to even up the odds here a friend was a bridesmaid and they all told the bride to bring her passport for the hen do blindfolded her and drive her around for an hour, just to take her to one of their parents house twenty minutes away from where she lived for her hen.

Man that's mean!

"being rather exacting"

Moi?

Jesus, Thumb that's right up there

Pickles Why would they be that mean? Did they think they were being funny? Otoh, had she paid any money towards a hen night abroad? If not did she really think others would fund her? (unless they are very comfortable obviously and it had been agreed with her). Still an unkind thing to do though.

OP - sounds like the least stressful thing for you would, as others have said, to set the date for the hen - maybe email your bridesmaid friend first to tell her.

My group of friends use a useful thing for checking when people are free - doodle.com/ - you just check the dates you're available, email it to those coming to your hen thing, then everyone else fills out when they're free and bingo you've your date!

And it does sound like you're sending a few mixed messages re. how relaxed you want it all to be - even relaxed-feeling weddings involve a huge amount of planning...

I'd a super-relaxed one but it was still an awful lot of work, and while our friends were enthusiastic as yours are it is actually easier to organise it yourself, and then ask people to take on particular roles on the day rather than co-ordinate those who want to help IYSWIM.

I think there were fallings out over it. My friend objected but the others override her!

Nightmare. Thank God nobody's ever asked me to be maid of honour.

Pagwatch put it perfectly.

I didn't ask her to be MoH though . We had a chat about how she'd like to be involved and the upshot was a role akin to that of MoH.

Vivipru- I feel your pain. It's not always about what friends are physically doing towards your wedding, it's the feeling that you so badly want them to be as excited as you. As people have said previously, NOONE will be as into your day as you. I think this is one of the things that hits you after your wedding has passed.

I was lucky, I had three fab bridesmaids. Varying levels of excitement. However, I like things to be organised am controlling as all hell , so I picked the date, the venue and the guest list and shared these with the girls. I was also copied in on all the emails going back and forth in organising.

The girls know me and understood I needed this level of interference involvement. All worked out brilliantly.

I suggest you might need to do a similar thing. I also was of the "relaxed wedding" school, which it really did turn out to be. But if you're relaxed and lax organising don't go hand in hand so if getting things sorted in plenty of time makes you feel better -crack on!

Good luck - and everyone needs a little bridezilla moment now and then xx

Sorry- some extra words crept in there..

.. relaxed and lax organising don't have to go hand in hand..

Thanks mildred.

'Relaxed' probably isn't the right word. Our wedding will be relaxed in as much as it will be informal, comfortable, not particularly conventional or stuffy. But we're feeding/watering/sheltering/entertaining 80 people on a working dairy farm with little infrastructure. It's taking masses of logistical and creative organisation that DP and our families are taking on ourselves, and that side of things is really enjoyable and going well.

Like I hinted at before, this is probably more about the imbalances in my relationship with this particular person. I just need to separate those issues from the wedding. Having it out on here has helped me see that.

Seriously, your wedding is 7 months away and she's having a really busy few weeks with her own life. Do you honestly expect her to maintain a really high level of excitement for that entire period? I'm sure she is very happy for you but it just isn't going to be as high up her list of priorities as it is yours.

I know lots of people like to indulge you about your wedding on here, but I can't help but point out that you're not quite as unbridezillery as you think you are. Saying your really relaxed about your wedding over and over again, doesn't actually make you relaxed about your wedding.

Do you honestly expect her to maintain a really high level of excitement for that entire period?

You're having a laugh right? Where have I said anything of the sort?

When I was bridesmaid all of the bridal party met up one evening to discuss the hen do. We chose a date and went through the different options with the bride on what she would like to do. The bridesmaids then did all the rest via e-mail so the bride didn't know the exact details but had an input. Worked out well.

My Chief bridesmaid said she wanted to help out and organise the hen do but I controlled everything to do with the wedding so it was just natural that I would plan my own hen do. And i am so glad i did.

This makes me qualified to say its an absolute shitter of a task and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My advice is do the hen do yourself, accept advice if it is given and do plan well in advance if you are planning more than a night out.

I did a weekend away for 16 people. That's 16 deposits, then 16 people to chase for payment, 16 people to pair up in rooms based on who knows who and who might get on, finding activities that 16 people will enjoy, etc etc it's a pain in the arse.

I starting booking things in November for a hen do at the end of march, so can totally understand why you want to get started.

pickles that's funny!

OP I think page is spot on. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Then tell your friend what you expect from her

It's great that your friends and family are excited for you. Mine were too. I am laid back/wasnt fussed by details. Gave no body any 'roles' or responsibilities. Organised everything ourselves, hen party at home so everyone could come/afford it. Everyone was happy/no fallings out over expectations or frocks

Not saying that's how yours has to be. But you need to ne clear about what you are expecting

I think others' suggestion of setting a date for the hen do, which suits you and the majority of attendees, is really sensible and will set your mind at rest. There is then plenty of time to plan what you'd like to do.

As you haven't formally asked friend 1 to be MoH, perhaps there would be no problem with just telling her that friend 2 is also going to be involved in helping you organise things and taking on a 'bridesmaidish' role? (I was my best friend's MoH and only bridesmaid, when I had a small baby, and I would have been delighted, not insulted, if she had asked someone else to do it alongside me - would have been great to share the planning and pressure, rather than constantly feeling guilty that I was letting my friend down a bit, because the baby meant I couldn't do everything and be around as much I felt I ought.)

Do you really think friend 1 would be upset if you mentioned that you were roping in another friend to help?