To Sack my Maid of Honour?

[ViviPru]

Ok, so perhaps not that dramatic, but I'm considering relieving my friend of some of her 'duties' for our wedding.

We're planning a very relaxed wedding and don't have a traditional bridal party as such, but we want our close friends to feel included and valued. When we got engaged, the conversation with one of my good friends turned to what sort of role she'd like to play, between us we agreed she would organise a hen do, wear a dress (of her choosing) that was in keeping with the colour scheme (we'd always commented it was our shared favourite colour and she couldn't wait till DP and I got married one day so she could finally wear a dress she liked - been a bridesmaid loads of times and been made to wear some shockers in the past), we talked about her potentially coming down the aisle if she wanted and carrying a bouquet. Tantamount to a maid of honour role, really.

She appeared to be keen and I let her lead the conversations when it came to working out the level of involvement she'd be comfortable with.

Now I most certainly do not expect anyone other than our parents to place any great importance on our wedding, but given the role she has agreed to play, I'm finding her lack of enthusiasm and my struggle to engage her with anything wedding related is now starting to make me feel a bit . It's really come home to me this week, I'd been burying my feelings but DP's best man has been setting the wheels in motion for the stag do with such enthusiasm which has highlighted to me the stark contrast with my friend. The only things I've asked her to do about a month ago are to look at a particular website of dresses to see if there's anything she likes, and to perhaps come up with some initial thoughts about possible hen ideas.

I spoke to her this evening and after an hour and a half of her telling me about her life, I tentatively brought up the subject of dresses and she said she'd been too busy to look, then the subject drifted onto other things... I couldn't even bring myself to mention the hen do after that.

She briefly acknowledged her lack of wedding-related interest, but said she'd been really busy lately (she is busy, its true) and suggested we have another chat at the weekend. Now considering I've been trying to schedule tonights chat for over a week, this had the air of the final straw about it for me.

I think she just is too busy for the level of involvement/organisational responsibility we initially agreed. I knew she was busy when we decided it, but I thought that her enthusiasm would make up for that but it hasn't. She also lives abroad so while this shouldn't make a massive difference in this day and age, it makes quick, frequent catch-ups less feasible.

I've another very good friend who lives in the next city and I know would be amazing at organising a hen do, and would love to be asked. I'm thinking of emailing friend 1 tomorrow and gently explaining that I think it would be easier if friend 2 sets the wheels in motion with the hen do, and calls on friend 1 for a bit of support as and when? I've kind of regretted not asking friend 2 to be a bridesmaid, but I was never going to have any anyway. I know it would really mean a lot to her, so I think if I go down this route I may ask her if she'd like to wear a 'bridesmaidy' dress and lead the search for their dresses too?

What do you think, AIBU to send that email? Am I just a sap who needs to man the fuck up? I just don't want to be that bratty bride

Thanks Bb333. Good advice. I'd love to do it that way, Wiggy. The 'MoH' lives overseas though and its a frikkin pig to get people together at the best of times with my friends being scattered between the north west and south east and everywhere else in between.

I'm feeling some additional pressure as 3 friends will be breast feeding at the time of the hen, but all are keen to attend in some capacity. I'm equally keen to include them as best I can, and now their DH/Ps are all gabbing on about the stag do this week, the women's thoughts have naturally turned to what's going on with the hen and whether it's going to be feasible if it's the same date as the stag etc etc.

I think that whether the wedding is a huge military operation of an affair, or a relaxed easygoing one, they both still need a decent level of organisation to happen.

Small relaxed weddings don't just occur by magic in my opinion, and I think to set aside a date will make you feel much more in control of the situation. This doesn't particularly mean you have Bridezilla tendencies OP, you are more than entitled to want to have some planning in place for your day, and the months fly past really quickly!

Nah, probably not Flaneuse. I'll just probably go about this quite quietly and unofficially, just let friend 1 know that friend 2 will be helping out, and it will probably end up with friend 2 just getting on with it with such enthusiasm that friend 1 will probably gladly and naturally relinquish.

Thanks botox

Vivi- you're right. You prob do need to separate the friendship issue and the wedding one not to let either impact on the other.

Sometimes big events in our lives coincide with ending or changing of major friendships. My long term best friend and I had a silly falling out during university finals and that really was the end of our friendship as it was. Looking back it probably just brought to a head the fact we'd moved apart from each other over time. Makes it no easier to deal with though, and when it clashes with life events you thought that person would be a part of its even trickier.

Perhaps have a think about chatting with this friend about your relationship more generally- leaving wedding issues aside- it might be the best way to move forwards.

Good luck with it all.. X

ahopskip, are you reading the same thread as me?

Pre getting married oneslef, and for about a year after, being involved in people's weddings is exciting. After that it's just yawn. Plus people plan and talk about it for YEARS in advance now. Makes me want to pull my own head off. Just my opinion.

OP's friend shouldn't have asked to get involved then!

If the MoH lives overseas, I actually think planning a hen do prob is a bit impractical for her - a big hen do usually involves a couple of people planning and meeting up a few times before hand, and even a small local hen do may involve checking out a couple of venues and planning transport.

I suspect she offered to organise the hen without understanding/thinking through the practicalities of the job.

ooh good point, could the overseas angle be a bit of a get out for you? it can't be easy, in a practical sense

And no, if child care is an issue do not organise stag and hen on same weekend.

Usual role for people attending from overseas is special mention in the speeches, not organisational.

Maybe there is an element of that, Nemo - this particular friend has been involved in loads of weddings, MOH a couple of times, bridesmaid several. I should know - over the years I've provided a sounding board to the various minutiae of the weddings of people I've never met via her.

She could well be fatigued with it all - understandably so. But over the years there's always very much been an undercurrent of 'I can't wait till yours Vivi, at last we'll be able to do things we love and not be forced to wear a questionable frock etc etc'

You make valid points, merry

Merry I don't agree with your last point.

Stealth I was starting to think that was probably a good angle too.

Have only skimmed the thread. It is fine to be excited about your wedding! It's natural to be excited. I think the fact that you are talking about a date 7 months away is faintly absurd unless you are doing a full on weekend away or something.
Weddings & all the associated planning do need some commitment from bridesmaids etc. I think you are giving very mixed messages in the so relaxed/be a moh but we don't need to call you that/let's book a hen do for 7 months away etc. Just call her a bm & ask the other friend too. Tell your friend who lives away that you are excited about seeing her but you understand her being so busy disinterested She will be relieved. Don't sack her though,just have two bridesmaids.
Fwiw a v close friend told me she would organise my hen do although I was getting married abroad. She suggested weekend in Paris,I said I didn't expect people to spend that kind of money. She was interested briefly.She didn't plan anything,my wedding went into the back of her mind. I was fine that she was busy,I was pissed off that she didn't call me unless it was to find out gossip & inside info on our industry colleagues for months leading up to it. I thought I was pretty chilled out about having no hen do if she didn't plan it. Someone else planned my hen do as apparently to not have one is just wrong! If you followed that,well done, the upshot is I fell out with this friend & we haven't spoken now for 2 years after being friends for 10. She maintains she never said she would plan anything,I am just sad that we don't speak & she twisted it. I really would have been fine if she said she was too busy,perhaps like your friend.
Don't apologise for it being important to you,just handle differently to me. I regret the whole messy balls up. So....what colour dresses? I bloody love wedding chitchat!

Icy aqua, Icelolly . Same as me wedding wellies

Ooooh,gorgeous!! That was one of my short listed colours :o

I agree with Pag, and because of that, I think you should organise the hen night, with the help of your friends. But you should organise it.

I think you will feel much better if you pick a date. If you sort the date out before October-ish you'll be fine since people's Annual Leave lists are rarely out before then?

I think organising a hen do for other guests you don't know very well (do I assume correctly?) is also difficult

I had this from my best friend
She was really disappointed, really upset that I didn't seem excited and keen on organising
I was very excited for her, and delighted to be her maid of honour.
But I just couldn't make a couple of suggested dates (tickets booked, holidays)
Top of her list was getting her wedding sorted, but it wasn't actually top of my list. I still had a lot of other things to fit in

Fortunately, we actually talked about it, and I calmly reassured her that I was excited and we would get everything done

I went with her for dress fittings, wore the most unflattering dress she could find for me! gave her 2 hen do's. One was a weekend away
And it was all fine in the end
She's still my best friend

talk to her!!

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with helping to organise a wedding from abroad, just that for most prople it isnt practical. Equally, just attending a wedding and hen do from abroad involves a fair amount of expense and organisation.

Yeh, Jamie there are some people involved she doesn't know well, but she's organised similar hen dos before in the past and it's never seemed to be an issue

but it wasn't actually top of my list I've acknowledged that I appreciate this in the thread over and over. All I asked her to do was have a couple of loose ideas. I'm damn busy too but I still find time to send her prospective job specs in the course of my every day life (she's desperate to move back to the UK). You're right though. I shall just talk to her.

helping to organise a wedding from abroad I'm not asking her to do that. All I've asked is that she visit a couple of websites and let me know what she thinks.

I can't believe this hen do organisation. I booked a large table at a tapas bar and asked my girlfriends along.No wonder there are so many falling outs. It's all such a big deal.