To be really angry with DH re contraception?

[ATreeNamedPercy]

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

I don't think YABU - if he said he was using a condom, he most certainly should have done so.

Also, I don't think I would feel the difference internally but probably would when it was going in and I also generally can smell a condom (nice! boke)

I also think that you should probably go to the doctor about how your bits are feeling and sex still not feeling pleasurable (though your OH's attitude may also be contributing to that, I guess) after 5 months.

Also, instigate a lie in day for yourself every weekend - I eventually did this when DC1 was approaching 2 years old and am very glad I did.

Hope you get some sleep and feel better in the morning but YADNBU about the condom.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. It was a really stupid thing for him to do. After all the faffing about,why not finish the job & put the condom on?!

I can't imagine why he didn't & I don't have good advice for how you deal with this tomorrow. But I would say that you should try to talk to him about it in the morning or some convenient time tomorrow. Also,I don't know the facts but I've read on here that MAP doesn't carry to your baby thru breastmilk. Might make you more comfortable about taking it.if you read up on that?

Hope you can put it out of your mind for tonight & get some sleep. Strong words tomorrow - contraception is his responsibility too & he just put you at risk of another pregnancy just because sex feels nicer without a condom. Apparently.

YANBU. How would he feel if you told him you were on the pill when you weren't?

OMG, where to start with that one?!

Actually, where I would start is no more sex until he starts pulling his weight because there is nothing that is more of a turn off than a lazy bastard.

Why are you having sex that you dont enjoy (or seem to want)? If you are doing it for him then you need to ask yourself, what is he doing for you?

Oh and the coil (the old fashioned one, not the mirena) is also used as emergency contraception and although not as effective, isnt hormonal and can be left in for long term use.

If you are EBF then combined with the coil you could be as well protected as a non EBF-er on the MAP.

Thanks for the replies! I've been reading up on the map and think I will have to take it although I'm not entirely happy with it. I have been to the doctor, but he said that things can take time to get back to normal especially if bf. sigh. An embarrassing appointment that I'd rather not repeat.

I would love a lie in. But DH won't get up. I have had two in nearly 3 years (cries quietly in th corner) DS wakes at 6 every day. Mad child. And me not getting up doesn't mean that DH will. Which tends to mean an overflowing nappy etc etc. I do leave th iPad on the sofa each night though but still have to get up to fed the baby.

As for the sex, I feel a bit ambivalent towards it to be honest. I know it wont feel nice anyway, am totally knackered as it it, but don't object to it as I feel really mean always saying no. Plus which tonight I got a very nice massage!

Hmm should have read that back. I don't object to it as in I don't mind doing it occasionally as opposed to not feeling able to say no, if that makes sense.

I always thought ebf meant express-bf (as in only giving pumped BM), I guess I'm wrong? She is bf100%, so no solids yet, no formula (won't take a bottle. Or a cup. Or off a spoon) but I have my periods and am in the middle of a cycle...

If my DH deceived me like that i would be LIVID, you certainly are NBU. Bastard! Id kick his lazy arse into touch, it sounds like you'd barely notice if he wasnt there anyway! These boards shock me sometimes at the things women put up with

EBF=exclusively breast fed

You feel mean saying no, but he doesnt feel mean when he knows that you have to get up 100% of the time does he?

There is more to this problem than a lack of a condom.

Does he want more kids? I only ask because he doesn't want the snip and won't use condoms and I read too many trashy mags

I would feel very annoyed and upset in your position so I don't think you're over reacting at all. Get yourself the MAP and you will be fine, but certainly don't let him get away with it.

angry why wouldnt he want more kids? He does F all with the ones he has now so why would he care if the OP popped another one out?

He sounds like a complete prick tbh.

Oh god, I hope he doesn't want more! Although he always said 3, he seems to dislike the ones we have enough! He's better with DS now DS is starting to talk. He doesn't do babies. Number 2 was his suggestion (let's not use condoms any more, it would be good to have another close in age to DS) and my agreeing (thinking...we had problems ttc DS, then had problems in pg ending up in a tumour removal and loss of half an ovary plus discovery of endometriosis. It'll never happen. Of course it did. First month)

We shall be having words tomorrow evening (after his day of work and my day of "being on holiday")

I'm off to bed, 2 hrs til DS awakes so I need to at least try and get some sleep...

I got "pretending" from the OP Sitting. Says alot doesnt it?

'he doesnt do babies'

seriously, why do you put up with this? If he 'doesnt do babies' he should fecking 'do' condoms - waste of space. I hope one day you find the strength to leave his sorry arse. The MAP isnt 100% reliable, i took it and was pregnant!! He could have just increased your already huge load for an unprotected shag - fucking prick. I dont know how you're so calm, im fuming on your behalf.

I'm reading this as I'm up with Ds1 (10 mo) trying to get him back to sleep, I'm a father and i try to do as much as I can (I'm just an average Dad, nothing special) it sounds like your DH doesn't need the snip or condoms just a hefty kick in the bollocks! Seriously, lay down the law with him and get him to pull his weight.

So YADNBU to be angry with him, I think you should be volcanic!

YANBU. I'd be bloody furious about it. I really feel for you, sounds like you could do with some time off and regular lie ins. I'd be getting him up with you if he won't let you lie in. At leat then you'd have some help with breakfast, getting the children washed and dressed etc. Cant believe he wouldn't even change their nappies.

I don't know how you can have sex with someone who has such little respect for you.

Just feel so sorry for you. He sounds awful.

And the babys awake again. Yawn. I don't think he deliberately tried to deceive me. More a started, got annoyed with it, did t bother but assumed I would notice and just didn't think.

ATree just on another note, if the physical problem with your vagina remains DO go back to your GP if you feel up to it - I felt the same and was fobbed off again and again and told it was "normal" after a baby - I'm only 26 and was sure it wasn't "normal" to have a shit sex life and the sensation my internal organs were falling out of my vagina! After much persistence it was found I have a minor prolapse, though if this is minor, god help those with severe ones...
Anyway, even after being referred to a physio and stopping breastfeeding (naturally after 13mo, not because of the 'issue') the problem remains and I need surgery after my next baby (currently pregnant again)
So please don't put up with it and let anyone tell you it's to be expected as there are options out there to improve things (good luck).
Re. your OP .... No YANBU your OH absolutely is.

Sorry, why is it your responsibility to notice he has decided not to put on a condom! You were entitled to assume he had given the faffing. He should have told you!!! YADNBU! I would be extremely angry! And no, I wouldn't be able to tell internally either.

Sit him down and tell him he is a selfish prick. Tell him you ARE having a lie in one day of the weekend, every weekend, starting this week. He can bring the baby in when he/she needs feeding but otherwise you expect to get some rest.

How dare he have sex with you without contraception!!!

Even if he thought you would know, by the time you notice he is already doing it. Please tell him that you no longer trust him and that he needs to get the snip or no sex. I would be livid with DH in the inconceivable event he tried this.

Bastard.

Oh and he better not want more children if he doesn't even help with the ones he's got. What an arse.