To be really angry with DH re contraception?

[ATreeNamedPercy]

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

lemmein I agree with you wholeheartedly. I don't know why you would marry and have children with such selfish pigs

He sounds incredibly self centred, OP

He sounds a bit dim and very self centred.

Only you will know whether he is 'redeemable' or not but please be aware that every time you let him get away with not doing something he sees it as a sign that you are happy to do it and that it's not his responsibility.

I think he needs a simple system of expectation and consequences. Tell him what you expect from him (and why) and tell him the consequences if he doesn't do it. Then stick to it. Don't nag, one simple reminder then consequence. Eg. I am tired and every Sunday I would like you to be responsible for the children until 11am. You can bring me the baby to feed, but otherwise you'll need to feed, entertain & clean up after them. The consequence of this not happening is that I will be tired and have to use the baby's nap times to rest instead of doing the laundry. This may well mean your work clothes probably won't get washed and ironed.

Good grief he is not a good dad and he certainly isn't a good husband.

He's also mindnumbingly stupid. How on earth did he think you could object to unprotected sex after it had already started? WTF? It might be absolutely minute probability but you could still have got pregnant from pre-ejaculate if he pulled out. And breastfeeding is not a contraceptive even if your periods haven't returned.

Thank goodness you felt all the discharge though as I really doubt he would've told you at all, at least not within the 72hrs required for MAP. You did the right thing taking it. I'm so sorry you had to see your little baby so distressed because of your cowardly asshat of a husband.

Can I also ask - sorry for hijack - how do you tell if you have a prolapse? Have certainly felt a little different (not painful though, just looser... ick) after DS, it was a straightforward second birth but he was nearly 12lbs if that makes a difference. I am utterly terrified of gynae exams though (haven't even booked my smear test) - a bit scared reading this.

Lo still not really eaten anything- vvvv upset. Am pumping off last lot of milk and she can eat in a couple of hrs. DH will have to try feed her when he gets home. Shoud be soon. I can't calm her down, she keeps trying to eat me.

Sorry :(

Don't suppose you have access to a syringe like the type you use to give medicine to babies? I fed mine with them sometimes.

I hope you give him a major bollocking for causing his child (and wife!) such distress. Bastard.

Poor mite. He needs to deal with the mess he's made. I'd be really worried about a man who wanted sex, even though I wasn't able to, a man who pretends to use protection but doesn't bother, a man who doesn't help out with his own children because he doesn't like babies. I'm sure he has some good qualities which you have not mentioned, but this would be enough for me.

I am sorry, but your husband is an absolute COCK.

Divorce the bastard.

Why are you having sex at all if you find it uncomfortable?
I would seriously consider leaving someone who had so little respect for my body. Does he not care if you get pregnant when you don't want to? It's shocking that he would pretend to put on a condom! Did you ask him why he did this? He's a selfish arsehole? You don't deserve this. Do not continue hsving sex with this man.

I am skipping vast chunks of this thread.

I do not in any way concur with unprotected sex (although how you couldn't tell the difference between latex and flesh is beyond me) but you have to take responsibility for your body. Get sterilised. You're body, your health and well being.

oh and, I rarely go with the majority - but I don;t think I could continue a relationship with someone who paid scant regard to my health or wished.

may I do my first "leave the bastard"

but I still think if you think your family is complete - you should get sterilised.

Hold on a minute, Jumping, why is contraception the OP's responsibility? Surely she should have a DH who is responsible enough to put on a condom? It should be a partnership of mutual respect.

ladysyb

I come from my situation, we all put forward our own experiences, yes?

Having further children would have resulted, quite probably in my death, or mc/sb. DH offered to have the snip. I declined his offer on the grounds my health was the one in question. I would never want another baby or continue with a pregnancy full term. Thus I chose to over ride his kind of of snipping and be sterilised.

That was two fold though. Bearing in mind it was my health, I could have fallen under a bus and he would have been young enough to have another family with someone else. Had he fallen under a bus, I would never have contemplated having more children, regardless of relationship status.

Contraception isn't the OPs responsibility entirely - but if she has made a life decision she doesnt want any more children, then she protects herself against pregnancy.

A women getting sterilised is a huge op. the implant is incredibly effective.
But you don't need any of it if you don't have sex with this selfish arsehole.
And if penetrative sex is uncomfortable for you then don't do it with anyone, enjoy other ways of giving eachother pleasure.

It's very different circumstances, Jumping. I don't think she's said that she doesn't want any more children (although a vasectomy is pretty permanent), she's said that she'd rather not pump herself full of drugs as she's breast feeding. They use condoms as this is the best contraceptive for them at the moment.

ladysyb

Perhaps I'm old fashioned? but if your husband has a vasectomy (or you ask him to have one) then it is pretty much decided a family is complete?

I may be wrong in this day and age, and maybe marriage is a throw away thing.

shrugs

Dunno, Jumping. They can be reversed and it's an 'easier' surgery then sterilisation.

I would never notice whether someone had a condom on or not. Newsflash; you're not him and don't feel the same sensations he does, nor are you a mindreader.

Good post by skaramoosh, sounds like a visit to the GP would be a very, very good idea.

I would think long and hard before instituting an actual sex strike. However, why not just resolve only to have sex you actually like? You clearly like massages, maybe oral sex/mutual masturbation as well? You'd be within your rights telling him you're not prepared to have sex that could get you pregnant at the moment, since you don't want another baby and can't trust him. It was actually a bit mindblowing when I did this for a bit, I hadn't even realised that I was routinely having sex that I knew would do little for me. After a while I felt a lot more tuned in with my partner and other kinds of sex started appealing a lot more.

I think I would say to him that I was going a bit nuts NEVER getting that bit of sleep between 5am and 8am, and that I was going to go and stay overnight with a friend/relative one Saturday night to get a lie in the following morning - that I didn't really see why i should have to leave my own bed for this, but that clearly he wasn't prepared to do it otherwise.

I agree with Jumping - if the OP doesn't want any more children, she should take responsibility for ensuring this doesn't happen - whether that is female contraception (and it doesn't have to be hormonal - it could be the coil or diaphragm), sterilisation or abstinence.

There is another thread on here where a man is being berated for not paying for a child which he was deceived into conceiving with many comments saying that if he did not want a baby he should have used a condom, even though he thought is partner had taken the MAP.

In this thread the man is being berated for not using a condom even though it is the woman who doesn't want the child. It's Mumsnet double standards at it's very best.

If the OP does not want more children, it is her responsibility to ensure she is adequately protected, not rely on her husband, especially as she has more at stake being the one that has to carry (and seemingly raise) the child.

The OP hasn't said that she doesn't want any more chiildren, just no more children at the moment. IMHO 5 months + bf is too early to make such a major decision unless it is one which has been made rationally previously - i.e. I've only ever wanted 2 children/ I have 15 children and it is time to stop etc. Whether she will ever want another child with this 'man' is another question, but she thought he was protected and he didn't bother to tell her otherwise, and now his child has had to suffer all day due to his actions. I imagine that the MAP has the sort of symptoms which involve the OH having to take the dc for most of the day tomorrow (except for feeding), so OP can relax a bit.

"basically is a great father but it has to be on his terms"

That is completely contradictory.

You can't even be a mediocre parent if it all has to be on your terms.

Your husband is a prick. It's actually hard to get my head around the way you post about how badly he treats you as though it's totally normal.

Doesn't matter whether it is no more children ever or no more children and the moment. If she does not want to get pregnant she should either ensure she should take responsibility to ensure she is adequately protected or abstain.

If this was a man complaining that he thought his wife was on the pill, he would be being told that he should use a condom so that he knew for sure he was doing everything he could to protect himself.

The sentiment is no different just because the OP is female.

They had agreed to use condoms though, so she believed that they were protected. If one partner decides not to bother and tells the other after the event then it's a very cold and calculated thing to do. What if the OP had poked holes into the condom in an attempt to conceive?