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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really angry with DH re contraception?

160 replies

ATreeNamedPercy · 10/08/2012 02:08

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 19:44

Claire, the MAP info wasn't in the OP of that thread. The first response you quote was probably a cross-post with the additional MAP info.

More to the point, the father in that instance was an ex of the woman and they were having an on off fling and he knew she wanted to get pregnant. Why did he watch her take the MAP if he trusted her to be protected? If he didn't trust her, why didn't he protect himself?

ethelb · 10/08/2012 19:44

@claire the woman was slammed and it was only after it was revealed that they decided ot have sex without a condom that the bloke got really slammed.

The issue was to do with the fact that the man had not only used a condom but that he had refused to pay maintenance as he thought his refusal to wear a condom wasn't his responsibility.

Plus it wasn't his wife. It was a broody nutcase and he knew this.

I had a boyfriend do this to me once (pretend to put on a condom) and I thank my lucky stars every day that the r'ship ended as no one has ever disrespected me so much. It still upsets me that someone would do this to me (I was young and a bit naive).

ethelb · 10/08/2012 19:45

Oh, and oP. Go to the doctor. Or if you can't face that right now book in an appintment to plan your contraception with the nurse and bring it up. She might be more sympathetic.

schmee · 10/08/2012 19:58

I hate on these threads that everyone jumps on the bandwagon to say that "they wouldn't stand for this kind of thing" and that the OP has "low self-esteem". I.e. they would do a better job of getting what they wanted from a relationship than the OP is doing.

Perhaps she loves her imperfect husband. This thing with the contraception is really bloody stupid of him, but that doesn't make her stupid for sticking around/taking responsibility for the kids/having sex with her husband.

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 20:00

Scmee. Yes she may love him but it's obviously in get best interests to stop having sex with him. It's painful and he lies and tries to impregnate her, if that isn't a reason then what is?!

PooPooInMyToes · 10/08/2012 20:04

I've only read page one but your husband sounds like a disrespectful arsehole!

schmee · 10/08/2012 20:11

My issue is more that in threads like this everyone rounds on the OP saying that she is letting herself be a pushover. And stating loud and clear that they wouldn't let themselves be a doormat like her.

It feels a bit like one-upmanship/bullying in the name of sisterhood. But perhaps that's just my take.

In answer to the original question, I don't think she's BU to be furious about contraception. The rest of it (whether she accepts that he won't do as much with the kids, whether she carries on having sex when it can be uncomfortable) is really up to her.

RandomMess · 10/08/2012 20:22

Can I just add that the mirena isn't great IME.

If your periods aren't heavy it could be worth trying a copper coil.

I am just fuming on your behalf at your h's attitude to his baby and you

samandi · 10/08/2012 20:29

*My issue is more that in threads like this everyone rounds on the OP saying that she is letting herself be a pushover. And stating loud and clear that they wouldn't let themselves be a doormat like her.

It feels a bit like one-upmanship/bullying in the name of sisterhood. But perhaps that's just my take.*

I think it's frustrating to posters when they read this because it's difficult to separate the guy being a complete general twat (and wondering what the OP is doing with him in the first place) and his twattish behaviour with regards to this specific incident.

ethelb · 10/08/2012 20:30

@shmee I agree. That's why I avoid the relationship threads. And the fact that it is all disguised as 'feminism' or the 'sisterhood' really grates. I don't think people are being empathetic with the op's complex situation

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 20:35

Basically your saying that posters can give no comment at all then.
Because the problem can only be solved by the op doing something. As wrong as that is. And she has done nothing wrong, she is just with an abusive man. The situation is complex yes but this forum is a limited medium that she chose to ask for advice on.
I don't think saying 'oh I wouldn't stand for that' is helpful but advising her to stop hsving sex etc is just that, advice!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/08/2012 20:42

Um, that's bollocks ethel. I just checked, and no-one mentioned the word 'feminism' on this thread until you, and the only mentions of 'sisterhood' are those of you, samandi and schmee claiming (falsely) that anyone else is talking about that.

OP, I think you have lots of advice and you are being perfectly reasonable in your anger. I hope you get this sorted - best of luck.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 20:44

Thanks, LRD. I was about to post similar but then I lost the will to type.

sunshineandshowers · 10/08/2012 20:59

Re the pain in your vagina. I had a problem after my DS which felt like my insides were falling out, and was more painful when standing/walking. I had been stitched up and it turns out that some skin that should be "internal" skin had been left on the outside. v painful. I don't know the technical term for this. Anyway I saw a consultant gynea who was fab and cut it out for me (was not that pleasent). It didnt quite work first time and I went back and she burnt the last bit out (sounds awful, was not). Within 24hours I know the problem was solved.

Anyway...you need to insist on an urgent referal to a consultant gyneacologist (sp?). My GP fobbed me off a bit and as it was my first baby I just assumed it was normal to have pain. Then all my friends started having sex, and I there was no way I could have sex, so suspected something up. The Gynea said it was very common problem. The procedure to fix it is called the Fentons Procedure. Be firm and go back to GP, you should not be in pain. Good Luck.

schmee · 10/08/2012 21:08

LRDtheFeministDragon - I didn't mention feminism - of course you didn't either....

I think there are better ways of offering support to people than making them feel even more shit about themselves.

bogeyface · 10/08/2012 21:14

I see what you are saying schmee but "I wouldnt put up with that shit" is just a way of saying that it isnt normal and if enough people are saying it then the OP gets the understanding that what she is subjected to isnt acceptable.

StaceeJaxx · 10/08/2012 21:28

Jesus christ I fucking rip DH a new arsehole if he ever did this to me! He has no respect for for you whatsoever. OP I think you need to take a long hard honest look at your relationship and the way your "D" () H treats you. You deserve better.

StaceeJaxx · 10/08/2012 21:28

I'd not I

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/08/2012 21:41

schmee, I never said you did, I replied to ethel, as you can see if you re-read my post. In which I pointed out no-one until her mentioned feminism.

Funnily enough, that included you.

Now can we knock off the feminism-bashing since it has nothing to do with the OP and didn't need bringing up on a thread where she's asking for advice?

PooPooInMyToes · 10/08/2012 21:59

He works (hard, and sometimes long hours) and basically is a great father but it has to be on his terms.

He's not a good father then is he! You don't get to parent "on your own terms"!

PiedWagtail · 10/08/2012 22:20

Oh dear. why are you having sex with this man??? Doesn't pull his weight, doesn't do anything with his kids -what a turn off!!!!!

And also - having sex without a condom when yuo had asked him to wear one -am glbsmacked. That's terrible behaviour, selfish twat.

samandi · 10/08/2012 22:33

Um, that's bollocks ethel. I just checked, and no-one mentioned the word 'feminism' on this thread until you, and the only mentions of 'sisterhood' are those of you, samandi and schmee claiming (falsely) that anyone else is talking about that.

Eh?

NurseBernard · 10/08/2012 22:40

Claire - what are you on about??

She IS taking responsibility for her own contraception!! She and her DH use condoms. She thought her DH was putting on a condom. He unilaterally decided not to; didn't inform her and then had sex with her. She had absolutely no reason to think the contraception that this man was faffing about it wasn't being used.

I don't understand your point.

OP - YANBU. This would be a deal-breaker for me. It's not acceptable behaviour, and it's not decent behaviour on the part of your DH. You're not being unreasonable to expect him to treat you with more respect. Decent men do not behave like this.

NurseBernard · 10/08/2012 22:43

schmee - I think people are basically saying that you (generic) don't have to put up with, and accept such shoddy behaviour on the part of the person who's supposed to love you.

lizziebach · 10/08/2012 23:29

OP I've not had children and I wouldn't be able to tell if a man was wearing a condom or not and I'd like to think I'm working properly and all normal down there.

First I would say your DH was completely out of order and I think you need to make it very clear to him you do not want any more children at the moment and that his behaviour was unacceptable.

As regards the sex the only thing I would say (and please don't take this as a critisism its just a passing thought) have you told him sex hurts and you don't want to do it. Its just he might think u aren't as enthusiastic as normal because u are tired, but that you still want too. Just a thought as I said.

Regarding the parenting you are excusing his lack of involvement by saying he works long hours. Urm as long as you? Looking after your children is a 24/7 job and u seem to be doing everyone of those hours yourself. Time to start putting your foot down maybe.

I'm sure there are good points about him, people are complex after all. But unfortuantely your situation is such that his bad points are coming to the fore. I would tell him more involment with the kids, no sex until u are comfortable with it again and until u have contraception u can trust sorted.

I hope you manage to get this sorted x

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