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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with DH re contraception?

160 replies

ATreeNamedPercy · 10/08/2012 02:08

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

OP posts:
Margerykemp · 11/08/2012 23:12

THIS kind of thing is where the anti-PIV arguments come from btw.

Honestly is it really worth it?

MCos · 12/08/2012 00:59

OP - this is regards the 'no lie in' comment.
Just bring the child who wakes first back into bed with you. Child may just go back to sleep between 2 adults. (Or not! But maybe you can continue to doze if DC happy to lie in bed awake between you both?)

Also, with DD1, I had problem with sex until I stopped BF. I was too dry, and sex was very uncomfortable. Was fine once I stopped BF. Hormones, I guess. Some light at end of that tunnel for you.

NurseBernard · 12/08/2012 01:30

Great suggestions if your aim is to enable the DH to continue to be an arse and shirk doing his fair share..... Hmm Hmm Hmm

Instead - maybe he could just step up the plate??

Original poster
ATreeNamedPercy · 12/08/2012 04:01

Thanks for all the comments - its given me a lot to think about. I'm quite surprised that your OH's do so much! The only people I know in real life where the husband/father helps with nights and mornings are where the mum is working again. It turns out that he wouldn't be against the idea of a third Hmm and he said it wasn't worth panicking about if I was pg. I put him right on that one! Theres no way i could cope being pg, the thought does frighten me and I've said we can discuss it when she's 1 and not before. I need time to recover from DD.

He has, however, been much better with the kids :D Instead of shouting at dd and putting her in her bed when she cries he's played with her, changed her etc and strangely enough she now even calms down with him. He has discovered she thinks playing catch is funny so he now has a way to stop her crying. He was quite upset to see how upset she was. DD and I have even managed a partial lie in (until he burnt himself cooking breakfast!) so I hope there might be more.

OP posts:
LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 12/08/2012 04:38

Why on earth does he want a third child if he 'doesn't do babies.'

Does he have an issue with you working?

Sorry to be cynical, but one day of being with his kids sounds like a half assed attempt to gaslight you into seeing how wrong you are about not wanting more kids and him being a shit father.

NurseBernard · 12/08/2012 04:44

Of course it's not worth panicking about if you were pregnant; it's not like it would impact on him in the slightest!

Come one OP - one day of half-arsed making an effort and you're all ready to forgive and forget? He really is on easy street isn't he...

Original poster
ATreeNamedPercy · 12/08/2012 08:09

Maybe it is. But he will have to keep it up for the next 7 months to stand a chance of convincing me.

About working, I'm beginning to wonder. He does resent that I don't have a job and all the earning is his responsibility. I did a work experience placement last year (I had DS straight out of uni and kept getting rejected because I have no experience) and as soon as i started getting interviews, he suggested no 2. Now I have a job interview, he suggests no 3 Hmm. I am looking for a job, and shall contine to do so. I am not a natural housekeeper and need a break!

I'm sure that there are many opportunities for discussion about our relationship, but this is not the place. He has apologised, I have accepted his apology and am convinced it was more not thinking rather than intentional. We shall take it from here and see how things go. I am not willing to risk losing the kids over this.

OP posts:
G1nger · 12/08/2012 08:27

Just a thought - if he does trick you into this again, it's rape. What do you think Julian Assange is accused of?

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 12:04

What makes you think you would lose your kids?! He sounds like an absolute arse, sorry.

Original poster
ATreeNamedPercy · 12/08/2012 12:12

I am not in the uk. He could take out an injunction to stop them leaving the country. My residence here is contingent on my living I the marital home. I would have to leave the country.

OP posts:
ReshapeWhileDamp · 12/08/2012 12:26

Losing the kids? Shock

OP, I hate to say this, but it really does sound like he's a controlling bastard and may be trying to steer you in directions you don't want to go in. What gave you the idea you might lose your DC? Did he ever hint this? It just won't happen if you leave the sod.

He does not sound like a 'great dad'. Hmm So, you were grateful because instead of 'shouting at DD and putting her in her cot when she cries' he played with her instead? Shock She's a 5 mo baby. Is that being a great dad? He doesn't 'do' babies. We all know they have to go through the baby stage before becoming more interesting. Apart from your DH. Is that being a great dad? He won't support you with two very small DC and does nothing with regards to nappies or feeding or getting up in the night. Is that being a great dad or a good partner?

And he seems very confused about what he 'wants' from you. On the one hand, you think he might have decided to try and get you pregnant because you went for a job. On the other hand, you say he resents you being at home because he's the only one earning. And he'd like a third? Hmm He sounds entirely childish (so you do already have a third child really!) and irresponsible.

I'm about a heartbeat away from saying Leave The Bastard. Do you honestly think he'll change, whether or not you have this third child that you clearly don't want? Do you honestly think that having another child will make things better, or easier for you? I think you could do with some time to clear your head and think things through, and relationship counselling might help to crystalise things for you both, too. Hope you're ok, OP. Sad

CommunistMoon · 12/08/2012 12:28

Right, sorry, I had no idea. I hope you can get some support (and legal advice should you need it) IRL.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2012 12:37

Check out your legal rights. I also live os the UK but immigration here are VERY careful not to be the reason someone is abused. They would not deport you without your children if you left your husband for valid reasons. You also get automatic legal aid here for immigration issues that could lead to deportation. Check what your situation is.

RandomMess · 12/08/2012 12:45

Wow it sounds like you need to sort out a few things in your marriage to make it better and healthier for you.

It does seem when you stand your ground though that he will make an effort so keep being strong and lay down firm ground rules. If all else fails can you go back to your home country for a holiday and refuse to return or would you not be protected from them being extradicted?

QBEE · 12/08/2012 12:47

He shouts at your 5 month dd when she crys? Sad

'He has, however, been much better with the kids :D Instead of shouting at dd and putting her in her bed when she cries he's played with her, changed her etc and strangely enough she now even calms down with him'

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2012 12:59

Check before leaving with the kids. I know Canada expects a lot of countries to extradite in these cases including the UK. Really get good legal advice before making any decisions at all.

ReshapeWhileDamp · 12/08/2012 13:09

Sorry, OP, crosspost. Blush But there may be a way round that. I'd do some research. Smile

schmee · 12/08/2012 18:10

Really, do you guys seriously think she should leave her husband over this?

Krumbum · 12/08/2012 18:19

Schmee. Do we think she should leave her husband for being selfish and lazy, not caring about his kids or acting like a father, lying to her, not caring about her body and fertility rights, not caring about her hsving sexual pleasure, putting his own sexual pleasure over the fact that she is in pain!
Yes.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 12/08/2012 18:19

I would, schmee.

It gives me the shivers.

JustFabulous · 12/08/2012 18:23

So rather than acknowledge that he has had sex with you without you knowing he wasn't being safe, he belittles you that you couldn't tell the difference. Horrible man.

JustFabulous · 12/08/2012 18:36

Of course it is okay with him if you want to tempt fate. It will have no effect on him as you do all the work!

JustFabulous · 12/08/2012 18:43

He shouts at a five month old baby?

balotelli · 12/08/2012 18:49

What a selfish Twat.

Why are you with this selfish manchild?

Having the snip is a breeze. But then only real men have it done so you have no chance!

Leave the bastard.

Trazzletoes · 12/08/2012 18:57

RandomMess seriously? Steal the children? Don't be a moron. If a Dad did that, all hell would break loose. It is just as unacceptable for a Mother to run off to another country in secret with her children, even if DP is a selfish arse.

OP go and see an immigration lawyer about your rights, just so you know the situation.