To be really angry with DH re contraception?

[ATreeNamedPercy]

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted

So he wants you to be responsible for contraception? And then he goes ahead with unprotected sex without warning you?? What a total wanker.

Coupled with the being a shit father (in respect of actually doing something useful) he sounds like a twat.

Perhaps you should tell him that you've sorted the contraception issue out and have chosen celibacy.

If your H doesn't "do babies" he should have put something on the end of it. You deserve so much better than this lazy arsehole.

Your dh sounds so selfish. We have two oldest with 18 months apart but I can tell you if he hadn't helped with them we'd never have had sex again.

Implanon is safe to use when bf, I had it in while bf did, but it didn't work for me.

To be honest given your husband's behaviour if I didn't want to have any more I would get my tubes tied. It is a bigger op than the snip but he just sounds utterly irresponsible and I wouldn't take the risk of having another baby with him when he doesn't look after the ones he has!

Hope things get better for you, this is the hardest time when you are sleep deprived and you shouldn't have to do it without help. I would have a talk with dh to explain this.

Regarding the loss of sensation and pain during intercourse, I think your doctor was too quick to dismiss this. I've had loss of sensation but not pain, and over time with pelvic floor exercises it got better. If it isn't better in a few months I would see your GP again and insist on an examination and a referral if he can't see anything wrong.
Good luck!

I think your husband wanting you to be completely responsible for contraception at all times is unfair tbh, it should be talked about and agreed between both of you. If it was me I would definitely be angry with him so IMO yanbu!

I always put condoms on myself - I have never trusted anyone else to do it properly even when dh used them before he got the snip.

Your dh sounds like an arse and if he 'pretended' to put it on I would find it hard to love and respect someone who was such a twat tbh.

I once had a guy take a condom off mid way through. The old "no, I was just adjusting it, it was uncomfortable." I cannot express in words how angry I was. And no, I couldn't tell. It was a casual relationship so I had insisted on condoms in addition to being on the pill, he was fine with condoms til he found out I was on the pill.

Anyway, I thought it indicated a total and utter disregard for my sexual health and his own, as well as a complete lack of respect, and more interest in his own sexual satisfaction. God, he was a dick. Didn't get any more action from me, I can promise you that.

I know your situation is to do with pregnancy rather than safe sex, but still, your husband doesn't seem to have much respect for you. He leaves all the work to you and then treats you like a wank sock? Sorry to be crude but that seems to be how it is - he has no interest in your pleasure, he just wants a receptacle to empty his load into.

I do think you need to get to the doctor as it does sound like you have had a prolapse. As for what to do about your husband, I'm not sure. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this relationship.

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Sorry but he sounds like a complete waste of space.

He sounds like an arse. Obviously contraception isn't the only problem.

I agree with others, go back to the doctors about the sensations you are feeling sound a lot like mine after ds1 was born and I had a minor womb prolapse. I've had four children and that was the only time I felt like bits were falling out.

OP, he sounds vile :( I would be absolutely livid if I were you - properly red and glowing with rage. this is a total disregard for your health and your rights over your body. I think in your shoes, I'd be asking him to leave and give serious thought to his behaviour, and only consider his return on the basis that you have couples counselling to try and improve his disgusting attitude.

hope you are ok.

Bfing should have no impact on the state of your bits or the sensation you get.

I'd recommend seeing a female GP. I was stitched too tightly after dd was born and mine was very clear that this wasn't an issue to be accepted or "lived with".

It shouldn't matter who you see but sadly it does, please don't let yourself be fobbed off. Having said that, I think it may be the least of your worries.

when i read shit like this i realise how blessed i am with my DH. No woman deserves to live with such a horrid husband OP, get him to change, or take control yourself. Do not resign yourself to being 2nd best in your relationship.

Afaik in some countries having unprotected sex when there is only consent to protected sex is rape.

You have been abused at least. Physically and in terms of trust.

The fact that you say you don't even want sex at all and he is still insisting on it is ringing even more alarm bells.

Seriously why are you still with him? He isn't doing any of the work!

If he does this again or you get pregnant is he going to coerce you into an abortion?

Please take the map- the risk of an unwanted pg will have worse effects on your dc than 2 days of hormones/formula.

OMG! You have got way bigger problems than a mismatched approach to contraception. Why on earth are you having sex at all when it hurts and is uncomfortable and you're not getting anything out of it? Let alone with a selfish, over-entitled manchild. You don't need the MAP as much as your 'D'H needs a personality transplant.

Oh, my lord, I'd be furious!

I second what a previous poster said - if he's leaving Contraception to you, tell him you've chosen the only 100% method of Celibacy.

He needs to grow up, OP. He sounds like a kid. No sense of responsibility.

My DH freely admits he didn't get much out of our DD till she was almost 2. He loved her, as her father, but didn't really enjoy her as a person, if you follow. Didn't stop him changing her, feeding her, getting up with her etc. That was his job, he was her Dad, and he did it.

Do two things today, for yourself. 1. Tell your 'D'H no more sex to till he both apologises and pulls his socks up and 2. Make another appointment with a different doctor and push to solve your problem, because the sensations you're describing don't feel right at all.

Sweet Jesus OP. You are married to an absolute dick.
If my DH had unprotected sex with me without my knowledge or consent I would absolutely consider this assault,and I would be unleashing a firestorm of unprecedented proportions on him.
If my DH was creating an atmosphere where by I felt I needed to have sex with him even though not only I got nothing out of it but was also uncomfortable, I would consider this coercion. And corerced consent is not consent at all.
If my DH was as unhelpful and useless with the kids, I would seriously be wondering about his value as a husband and father, and why exactly I would be in a relationship with him.
You have serious issues in your relationship. I urge you to get this reposted to Relationships. There are people over there who can help you figure out what your next step should be.
What do you see in him?

ginnybag - I think that's it. He loves the kids (and DS adores him) but he just doesn't understand babies.

He does a lot more with DS now that he's older. When he's at home, he will change DS's nappies etc but not the baby's. He sees looking after them as my job. He works (hard, and sometimes long hours) and basically is a great father but it has to be on his terms. He helps and plays a lot more with DS now than he ever did, helped along by the fact that he's now starting to talk, "pleeeease Daddy, come now!"

We've had a chat. It seems he genuinely didn't think it would be a problem and there was no attempt at deceit. It never occurred to him that I wouldn't have noticed and as I didn't say anything assumed that I was ok with the lack of condom. He then asked if did it really matter as I'm BF so that's a method of contraception and aren't I just being over-cautious. Also didn't occur to him that as I have my periods again, that actually BF might not be all that great a contraception. In fact, this is his main problem. He simply doesn't think.

I suppose I'll have to think about going back to the doctor. I just assumed this was normal for post 2 children. When I mentioned it to the midwife, she just laughed and said I can't expect to be the same post-birth. The doctor did mention prolapse, but said it was too soon after giving birth for him to want to diagnose anything.

He did say that it was ok with him if I wanted to tempt fate. But I honestly don't think I could cope with a pg and the children at the moment. I've been out this morning and taken the MAP, so now have a 5 month old who will not take milk from a bottle/cup/spoon who is feeding every 1.5-2 hrs and whom I cannot bf for the next 8 hours... It's going to be a long afternoon.

What a thoughtless inconsiderate cock he is. And if you had noticed, would he have stopped? Doubt it.

So sorry that you have been put in this position by his sheer bloody selfishness.

I am sorry but a "chat" is simply not enough.

He walks all over you because you let him! A bloody screaming rant about how fucking selfish he is, how it has affected not just you but the baby too, about his uselessness as a father (sorry, good fathers do not ignore their children, treat their wives as unpaid nannies and only change one childs nappy leaving the other one in its own mess).

He is a fucking arsehole and if you are happy to let this go then be prepared to be back here very soon with more of his fuckwittery.

He shows you no respect whatsoever and your first call this afternoon should be to Relate.

Why does he get to pick and choose what he wants to do, but you just have to do what he wants, ie sex, all the getting up etc? He thinks he is more important than you or the kids. Do you agree?

Stop kidding yourself he's a great father too. Great dads do not see looking after kids as their partner's job only.

Agree with all posts so far. Just think, without him, you would be no worse off in terms of help with the kids and would not have to have sex that does nothing for you. What's the motive to let this continue?

I'm just wondering when he would of owned up ? when morning sickness was kicking in ?. I think the least he owes you (and HIS dc's) is to help you right now with feeding DD

I find his behaviour quite sinister tbh. How dare he have unprotected sex with you without your consent. I agree that is a form of abuse. It sounds like he'd be perfectly happy to see you pregnant again. That wouldn't be because the more dcs you have the more under his thumb you become? Precious little chance of you doing anything other than being a domestic for him? I would keep a close eye on this OP. I don't think you're married to a very nice person unfortunately.

Your DP sounds like a twat!

For what it's worth bf has really affected my sex life as well as I feel really dry and sore (despite giving birth via c-section). My gynecologist said it can be a common problem due to the bf hormones and gave me some hormone pessaries which really helped (they don't affect bf). Also I believe that the mini pill is compatible with bf, might that be an option in the future so as not to rely on Mr Twat?

OP is there anyone nearby who can help you with feeding? Any friends? Baby might take a bottle if you aren't in the house and within smelling distance? Good luck. This sucks. DEFINITELY get 'D'H to give you a lie in at the weekend!

Nope. Mil tried yesterday when I was at an interview and she refused it. But I was only away an hour. She now hasn't had anything except a couple of spoons of milk for 4.5 hrs. I'm about to go and buy some porridge and start weaning early :(

She just refuses to take it. She fights against a bottle, won't take from a cup and will take a little off the spoon if she's holding it which, realistically means a few drops. DH is at work, and I've sent hima shopping list so he can do the weekend shop, then he will be feeding her when he gets home! She's really upset :'(

You went for a job interview yesterday and then yesterday evening he starts mucking around with your contraception, when you're mid cycle too. I may be putting two and two together and making six but how does he feel about you working?