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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really angry with DH re contraception?

160 replies

ATreeNamedPercy · 10/08/2012 02:08

Dd is 5 months. DH doesn't want the snip so said I would have to get something sorted. I'm unwilling to take hormonal contraception whilst BF and DH agrees with me on this one so we are currently using condoms. Or so I thought.

Last night, in the midst of things DH loses the condom packet. We manage to find it and then there is much cursing from DH as he opens it and then faffs around putting it on. I notice afterwards I have a lot of discharge, so I just to be certain I asked him in a bit of a panic if he still had it on after or if it split. He said that he never put it on and asked (with disbelief in his voice) couldnt I feel the difference? (certainly not - is it normal to be able to tell this? After having dd all I have is the sensation that my bits are falling out and that it's v. uncomfortable and, quite frankly, not at all pleasurable to have sex, plus which it was dark, I hadn't glasses on...)

I'm really upset actually that he didn't warn me, when, clearly, I would have never had sex if I thought we were not sufficiently protected. So now I'm going to have to get the morning after pill, and feel ultra guilty for even considering it because of bf the baby. I am getting more and more angry with him. He doesnothing to help with the kids, has changed dd only a handful of times. In 3 yrs never got up with either of them, never helps at bedtime etc and so i really fear becoming pg again. I am now awake worrying having got up to feed the baby and he is fast asleep and snoring. Am I over reacting in my haze of tiredness? Will it all seem less important in the morning?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/08/2012 18:58

In this thread the man is being berated for not using a condom even though it is the woman who doesn't want the child. It's Mumsnet double standards at it's very best.

No, the man is being berated for making the woman think he is using a condom.

Which is the same as a woman claiming to be on the pill when she isn't.

AThingInYourLife · 10/08/2012 19:01

Women who lie about using contraception are ripped to pieces on here, Claire.

Your double standard is imagined.

This fucker pretended to put on a condom, then ejaculated inside his wife without her knowledge or consent.

That's a pretty major violation.

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 19:03

He made out like he was putting a condom on and then didn't come back and say "it got stuck in the packet, can we do without?" - HE WENT AHEAD ANYWAY!

OP, I couldn't tell the difference by feel of condom/no condom before I had kids.

Whoever asked about prolapses, there are three kinds: bladder, bowel and womb. Go to your GP and get a referral. Examination by s

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 19:04

He made out like he was putting a condom on and then didn't come back and say "it got stuck in the packet, can we do without?" - HE WENT AHEAD ANYWAY!

OP, I couldn't tell the difference by feel of condom/no condom before I had kids.

Whoever asked about prolapses, there are three kinds: bladder, bowel and womb. Go to your GP and get a referral. Examination is less painful than a smear test, don't worry!

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 19:05

Sex without a condom when consent was conditional on the condom being worn is one of the offences Julian Assange is charged with in Sweden.

Original poster
ATreeNamedPercy · 10/08/2012 19:06

She's now attached to me :D she'd rather go 8.5 hrs without food than eat something not coming directly out my breast!

I'm fully intending to sort contraception. Am planning on the mirena, but didn't want to take anything whilst bf. oh the irony!
DH is grovelling. I've sent him to entertain DS whilst snuggling up in bed with the baby. I am exhausted but at least DS has behaved well today (the wonders of bribery!)

Fuzzpig - something felt wrong, I got a mirror and looked. Wish I hadn't! But had things falling out. It's not like it all the time though, some days it's fine, others it's really noticeable.

OP posts:
FaintingGoat · 10/08/2012 19:07

JumpingThroughHoopsFri 10-Aug-12 18:24:25

...how you couldn't tell the difference between latex and flesh is beyond me...

Well, the vagina doesn't have many nerve endings, that's how. In my situation I did what I could, I even put the damn thing on him myself to make sure he had it on. Without getting too graphic I was on top and he said hang on, went to adjust it, and off we went. It was only when I happened to glance down and saw it at the side of the bed that I realised what he'd done. Did you mean "well you must be stupid if you couldn't tell"? Because that's how it came across.

Sorry to hijack, just had to respond to that.

ClaireDeTamble · 10/08/2012 19:09

A woman with an older child and a tiny baby is doing EVERYFUCKINGTHING round the house, with the children, all nights, all feeding, all get ups, having sex when she doesn't want to, and has asked her husband to do one goddamn fucking thing which is use contraception, which he has failed to do

Erm, exactly. She can't rely on him to do anything else, why the hell would she rely on him for something this important Confused

I'm not defending the husband - he is clearly a complete arse and what he did are the actions of a complete arse.

But it doesn't change the fact that if she doesn't want a child she has a responsibility to do all she can to prevent that.

No, the man is being berated for making the woman think he is using a condom.

Which is the same as a woman claiming to be on the pill when she isn't.

Yes it is, but if a man came on here complaining that his DW was claiming to be on the pill when she wasn't, he would be told that he should be using a condom!

TheDoctrineOfEnnis · 10/08/2012 19:11

Claire, I really don't think the majority of posters would say that.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 10/08/2012 19:12

Sorry to be extremely unhelpful but if my DH had pretended to put on a condom in the middle of sex and then blamed me for not knowing the difference I would have found the nearest sharp object and given him the snip myself.

Op that's disgraceful. It really is. And for the lovely poster who suggested the op should take responsibility, well she did. She said use a condom. He pretended to put one on. So hardly her fault is it??

You need to make your DH (d for dickhead btw) understand that as an EBF new mum you need to sleep. He needs to get up with your DS at weekends. I don't care how hard he works, you're up all hours of the night. Otherwise he needs to fuck off. If he doesn't get that you need rest equally as much as him, more so IMHO he needs a kick up the arse.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 10/08/2012 19:14

claire if a man come on here and said his DS was putting her pill in her mouth, pretending to swallow it but hiding it under her tongue, I don't think anyone would have said you should have been using a condom

AThingInYourLife · 10/08/2012 19:15

"But it doesn't change the fact that if she doesn't want a child she has a responsibility to do all she can to prevent that."

Yeah, and using a contraceptive method that has to be used while you are present is taking responsibility.

He tricked her.

Blaming someone for being deceived is just being a dick.

Kladdkaka · 10/08/2012 19:17

Hasn't he been watching the news? This is why Assange is being extradicted to face rape charges. Knowing your partner won't have sex without a condom and exploiting the situation so she doesn't know/have the opportunity to stop it.

YANBU

ClaireDeTamble · 10/08/2012 19:18

AThingInYourLife Your double standard is imagined.

Not really - slightly complicated by the issue of maintenance and paying for the child but comments on this thread from today where the man in question actually bought the MAP and watched her take it (so he thought, turned out she didn't actually swallow it):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1537537-To-have-this-opinion-of-SIL

is it just me or is anyone else thinking if he didnt want a baby he should have put something on the end of it

yes he could have used a condom

My 16yr old son knows contraception is his responsibility and his ALONE if he does not want a child.

As soon as he fucked her without wearing a condom and realised he'd helped to create a baby.

Contraception can fail-if he wanted to be really sure-he should have used a condom.

All within the first 50 posts.

ClaireDeTamble · 10/08/2012 19:20

Tantrums claire if a man come on here and said his DS was putting her pill in her mouth, pretending to swallow it but hiding it under her tongue, I don't think anyone would have said you should have been using a condom

That is exactly what happened in the thread linked in my previous post!

ClaireDeTamble · 10/08/2012 19:22

Sorry for the Hi-Jack OP.

Re: the Mirena. I'm BF'ing and have the Mirena. Because the hormone is localised it is ideal for use while breastfeeding.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons · 10/08/2012 19:23

Really? Sorry I haven't read that thread. Well, I wouldn't think that anyway.

ClaireDeTamble · 10/08/2012 19:23

Blaming someone for being deceived is just being a dick.

How am I blaming her for being deceived?

I'm simply saying that if she wants to make sure she doesn't get pg, she has a responsibility to sort out her own contraception.

Nowhere have I said it was her fault he deceived her.

Kladdkaka · 10/08/2012 19:29

There is nothing irresponsible about making contraception decisions together with you husband.

openerofjars · 10/08/2012 19:31

Jesus, you poor woman. Look, I got the copper coil for a failed condom moment when DS was 11 weeks and it was fine, actually less painful than a smear test. But how you can stand to have sex with him I don't know.

He doesn't fancy the snip, can't be arsed using condoms, doesnt know or care that sex is shite for you (urgh), wants another child and doesn't "do" babies? You are so going to get pg again and have to do all the donkey work again, only with 3 kids next time.

And misleading you about not using a condom is just so low. How dare he decide that he's willing to risk you getting pg again, when it's your body that bears the brunt of having the baby?

What do you see in him? Does he have any redeeming features? Because if not...

bogeyface · 10/08/2012 19:31

SHe didnt want a baby so she agreed condom use with her husband. That is not irresponsible at all given that they had agreed together to avoid hormonal contraceptives until the baby is weaned.

HE took it off, she has no knowledge of this.

I am Shock that anyone in their right mind could possibly suggest the OP could have done more! Short of supergluing it on there herself, what exactly do you suggest she could have done?

AThingInYourLife · 10/08/2012 19:34

Well then what is your fucking point?

My husband and I use condoms as our standard form of contraception.

That is both of us taking responsibility, because the use of the condom takes place in plain view. There is no doubt that it is happening.

It is not like a pill, or an injection, or an implant, or even a cap.

It is a physical object that we both take part in using.

The fact that it goes on his dick does not make it his contraception.

It goes inside my vagina.

If it comes off, or splits we will know about it.

It's the only contraception that doesn't require trusting someone else.

Unless you have to trust someone not to sabotage the condom, or lie about putting it on.

And in that case I think you are getting into very dodgy territory.

bogeyface · 10/08/2012 19:35

I would also like to point out that contraception within a marriage or long term relationship is a totally different barrel of frogs to a single person or someone in a new relationship.

You take responsibility for it when you are on your own or barely know someone, but as a couple I would always (and have always) dealt with it together using whatever suits us at the time. That has been the pill, the coil, condoms and withdrawal, depending on how crucial it was to not get pg at the time.

I thought that most couples made joint decisions about it, clearly not!

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 19:41

I knew someone would mention the other thread!
The reason it is different: if man decieves a woman he is taking away her rights over her own body, by putting an unwanted child in her he is potentially killing or severely hurting her. Not the same the other way round.
It is awful for a woman to pretend to be on the pill. But condoms protect from stds too. He also actually pretended to put one on! Was this woman miming taking the pill; no, he just presumed.
All that's being said on the other thread is the way the child was conceived does not absolve him of parental rights, the same would be true in this case if a child were conceived and born.

Krumbum · 10/08/2012 19:43

Seriously op why are you having penetrative sex if it hurts?