about alcohol, or is DH?

[WaveringButterfly]

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

"One glass of wine a day is not alcoholism.
Ever."

Using bold to emphasise your post doesn't increase the validity of what you're saying.

You're wrong to say it can't ever be alcoholism. I'm far from saying/thinking that OP is an alcoholic but it's utterly untrue, unhelpful and dismissive to say that her level of drinking " is not alcoholism. Ever"

My father was/is an alcoholic. I can't ever recall him drinking a large amount but he drank moderately, daily, without fail. I actually think he would have still been under the drink-drive limit at the levels he would drink.

He quite simply couldn't not have a drink, though.

I am always astonished when workmates say they have a G&T when they get home and then half a bottle of wine "every night". I would class this as having a problem but maybe I just had a different view on alcohol.

I see alcohol as something to be enjoyed occasionally (once a week would be a lot for me) and drinking out of habit (ie "needing" one to relax after work) would worry me if one of my dear ones was doing this.

That link was very interesting raspberry

Some way down the page it has the "CAGE" method of trying to diagnose an alcohol problem. If you answer yes to 2 then it's suggests there's an alcohol problem.
Have you ever tried to cut down?
Have you ever been annoyed by someone's comments about your drinking?
Do you ever feel guilty?
Have you ever needed an eye opener (morning drink)?

Looking at those I think many "evening / wind down" drinkers would say yes to the first 2, if not the first 3.

you can relax after work with a mug of tea.

If someone likes to have one drink every single day then by some definitions that might make the person an alcoholic.. But so. fucking. what? One alcoholic drink in 24 hours doesn't even stop you driving. If it doesn't make you belligerent, or cost more than your household budget can stand, SO WHAT if it's a dependency? It's on the level of having to have a cup of tea or listen to a particular song every morning; not much harm to you and none to anyone else.
Drinking, like a lot of things, is a problem when it's a problem. When you are spending more than you can afford, mistreating the people around you, suffering health problems, behaving badly, then it needs addressing.

If you are living with someone who sighs and comments and makes you feel like you are being policed if you have one alcoholic drink a month then there's a problem, but it's not your drinking, it's your partner. Abusers do sometimes work on making their victims feel guilty and anxious over quite normal, harmless behaviour like eating chocolate or drinking a small amount of alcohol very occasionally.

...or drinking a small amount of alcohol very occasionally.

I don't think that every day counts and 'very occasionally', though.

One alcoholic drink in 24 hours doesn't even stop you driving

Depends how big it is.

None of us on here know how much other posters, or their partners, really drink

Sorry, one unit of alcohol doesn't make you over the limit in the UK. Though I do find it irritating when people bleat about not drinking at home in case there's an emergency and you need to drive... not everyone has a car. So if there's an emergency and transport is needed, you use public transport, call a cab or, if it's that big an emergency, an ambulance.

No, you're right, one unit doesn't. But one unit is less than one small glass of wine.

One large glass of wine puts the typical woman, or a small man, over the driving limit.

I thought that the UK driving limit was something like 2.5 units? I don't know.

Oh, and so no-one actually shits their pants in shock and outrage I don't drive so it doesn't matter whether I drink 1 or 3 units a night in that respect. Or 33 units, for that matter.

UK driving is about 3 units for a typical woman, and about 4 units for a typical man (depends on size, fatness etc)

1 unit is one single English 25ml measure (5 teaspoonfuls) of scotch etc (the Scots measure is bigger) or one 50ml measure of sherry (about an eggcupful)

A pint of strong lager or Guiness is about 2.8 units

A small 125ml glass of French wine is about 1.5 units
A small 123ml glass of Australian wine is anout 1.75 units.

In their own homes, nobody pours English optic measures of spirits, or small glasses of wine. It would look ridiculous and mean.

OP, it sounds ok to me but how about trying an odd night having a nice cup of tea instead and see what happens. You might find that you soon get used to it which, in turn, may make the days you do have wine extra special and more enjoyable. If you find that you can't manage to miss the odd night then I guess that means maybe it is too much. (err, if you see what I mean)

I have a bit of a tea habit. I have to have mymorningcup of tea. I really look forward to it every morning realises that I am sounding a bit sad, leaves

DoItOnce: Then you are a caffeine addict (Yes, tea contains caffeine). It's an addictive substance. However, needing your morning cuppa is not hurting anyone else, nor is it likely to be causing a massive inconvenience to you or your family. There are undoubtedly some bucketheads out there who would want to stop you having tea every day on the grounds that... er... dependency on anything (apart from prayer) is bad, and, er, well what if your kettle disappeared, would you eat your own offspring, and anyway BWAAAAH! SOMEONE'S ENJOYING SOMETHING! CAN'T BE ALLOWED!

...My name is DoItOnce and I am a Tea'aholic.....

Sorry hi-jacking.... Back to the OP

Thank you for coming back OP. It seems like a few alcohol free days are the way forward and if you manage it easily then there is no dependency problem. Also good that you say DH is not generally controlling.

If you can get one posh bottle of Chablis instead of 3 bottles of crap, then you'll enjoy your less frequent drinking more.

haven't read the whole thread but find the idea of 'alcohol free days' most encouraging.

ditch the alcohol. its a prop you don't need. would that i could do the same with my prop.

Genuinely wishing you luck with your alcohol free nights OP. I've been there (admittedly with much, much larger quantities of alcohol) but it's still tough.
I still have a problem and try to go for one night on, one night off approach.

I think its too much - and I used to do the same. I am actually tee total now and don't drink full stop and I find my health is so much better, my skin is better, everything is better. And I never realised how bad it was before because before was "normal".

I'd also wonder if your behaviour / personality changes more than you think it might and your dh doesn't like it. I say this because my mum is a "drink every night" person and her personality subtly changes but does change. Its horrible. You feel like she's a different person. I hate being around her when she's had a drink. She also can't always remember what she's said even when she's adamant she hasn't said something - she often thinks I'm making it up. I'd ask your dh if your behaviour is different, and believe him even if you think he might be making it up. (Of course he might be).

I don't think your drinking is excessive, but I do worry that you may become emotionally dependent on wine if you have a glass every night. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago and although I wasn't drinking a huge amount I realised I'd convinced myself I needed a drink (bad day at work, kids playing up etc). Before long 1 glass a night became 2-3 and some weeks a bottle a night. Aside from the health risks, I realised I'd become dependent and was losing perspective on what was reasonable. As others have said, seeing how you feel when you don't have a drink might help you to see how much you rely on alcohol.
Also, why shouldn't your husband be concerned about your health without everyone thinking he's being controlling. Maybe he's genuinely concerned. Perhaps the fact you're so sensitive about it, suggests you suspect you think he may have a point.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that anyone is suggesting the op's DH is abusive or controlling.

I find the comparisons with food stupid as well.

And if it bothers you so much that you can't imagine not having a glass every night you do have a problem. And it's proven that you build up a tolerance to alcohol. So it's going to take more and more to get the desired effect at some point. Just like any other drug.

Op, I have had similar discussions with my DH about his drinking. Am I the nagging wife and you have a controlling husband? Or is your partner the person that knows and loves you best? My DH gives up alcohol every January to prove to himself he can, and interestingly when February comes he generally only drinks socially and the (usually moderate) drinking at home after bad days stops for a while then gradually creeps back in. Would giving up for a bit totally help? I think for us it makes me feel happier but also helps DH realise how much he was drinking without really noticing.

Why all the need for hyperbolising? FGS! The OP has just posted about one aspect of their (probably) full lives that's irritating them both.

The OP is not an Alcoholic. Her DH is not an Abuser.

OP, now you've said the thing about his mum's cancer I think you could just try to see it his way a bit more and agree to go on a health kick if he does X (whatever, just agree on something smallish so it is a compromise). Your drinking sounds OK and problem free to me but I'm no expert.

The OP came back to say that her dh is not controlling.
She also said that she will consider having an alcohol-free day.

Job done. I don't see what else there is to discuss.

Apart from of course, those who are going to insist that yes, he is a controlling abuser despite what she says because she is obviously a victim without knowing it.

Oh and those who are determined to argue the toss about what makes an alcoholic.

And those who say that everyone who drinks more than them should be ashamed of themselves and they shouldn't go crying to them if they die through alcohol abuse or anything.

Oh yes and those who reckon that people who don't drink as much as they do are missing out on life and are boring old farts to be pitied and mocked.

Did I get everything?

This one has legs!