about alcohol, or is DH?

[WaveringButterfly]

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

What a load of bollocks, McHappyPants, one glass of wine a day does not an alcoholic make.
A healthy Mediterranean diet anyone? Red wine, olive oil etc.

If you can't stop, then you're an alcoholic. The quantity is irrelevant, there isn't a threshold you have to meet before you can use the 'a' word.

We don't know if the op can stop, because she's disappeared. What is more important is whether that is what her dh is wondering and worrying about. If he is, then he's being perfectly reasonable to ask her to cut down. If he's just being a controlling arse then it's a totally different story.

Without all the facts we can't really judge can we.

I never said she is a raging alcoholic!!! But now that you mention it.......... As McHappy said you dont need to be blind drunk every night to be an alcoholic.

I take responsibility for my actions and am careful about what i do wether it is driving or using power tools but drinking to excess is very irresponsible. Having the occassional drink after work is ok though I have never needed to do that to myself but OP is not having the odd drink after work.

This is very interesting and it'll be good for the OP to come back to answer the queries about dependency.

I say it's interesting because I have something similar with DH. I think he drinks too much - he doesn't usually. I worry about his health when he drinks, selfishly it's a nightmare for me if he drinks excessively because he snores more. My main concern is the issue about the fact that he feels he 'needs' to drink when he's stressed. We've had it out all ways - me gently encouraging, me nagging, me getting hysterical. I monitor how much he drinks. I don't think I'm controlling, I just worry. He's on a medication that doesn't mix well with alcohol. But after a candid conversation a few weeks ago I now don't say anything. He's an adult and makes his own decisions. It's not actually impacting on his life so he doesn't think it's a problem. Its not all the time - sometimes he doesn't drink for a while. Ironically on a heavier week he drinks a bit more than the OP but he will always say it's not like I drink every night!

So I don't comment, try not to pass judgement. I figure if it really is a problem it'll come to a head. If not, me nagging him is only going to make him upset.

OP I agree with the others who say it depends on your honest alcohol intake, is it only one glass at the weekend too? Or do you drink more? Can you go without the wine if you choose to?

I have had similar issues. My partner does not really drink at all. Maybe 4 pints a year. I on the other hand love wine, however as i have got older i drink less and less.

He used to give me 'the look' when i opened some wine - but we talked and i think he now realises it is my choice to drink it and doesnt comment. I think he still feels superior, but quietly so.

i think you need to speak to him about it OP. My partner eats a LOAD of sugary crap constantly, I dont - i like wine. Is your partner a saint?

How do you define alcoholic raspberrysorbet?

I don't know

But I do know that people who drink what I would call too much will swear blind they've only had the one glass, or maybe a glass and a half, or very occasionally two. I wouldn't take anyone's word for it, would you?

Some people are not very nice after they've had a drink.

I sometimes have to deal with people who've had too much.

I've only skim read the thread and I'm not interested in the bun fighty bits of it

IMO having alcohol every day is abnormal but that is my life. IMO, I think that if you need any amount of alcohol, no matter how small, to relax, then that means you have a problem with alcohol. Whether that is every night, once a week, once a month... Whatever. Alcoholics are not homeless people swigging cheap whiskey from a brown bag, they are people who rely on the chemical and/or psychological effects of alcohol.

My DP drank every night. He did not get 'drunk' but he was defensive about it in the same way that I read your OP. IMO, the second alcohol passes your lips, you are no longer sober, you are changed from your normal, sober self. I pointed out to DP once when we had been together about three years that I had never known him sober and (after a lot of defensive arguing from him) he admitted that when I said it like that it made him sad. Then one night I was in huge pain and needed to get to the hospital, which is a 50 mile round trip. It wasn't an ambulance job but I needed to go. I tried to drive myself because he had had two glasses of wine and half a beer and couldn't let him drive. I was in so much pain that I had o stop on the hard shoulder in the middle of the night and be sick. I couldn't drive anymore so had to call my friend to come and pick me up. All because he couldn't not have a drink.

I am a bit sad for your DH, please don't be offended. DP and his drinking made me very uncomfortable and I'm sure that's how your DH feels too.

Apparently so, Raspberry
Nice little sheltered lives, perhaps?

OP here again. Sorry, was busy with children and then it took me a while to read through seven pages of responses.

Thank you to everyone who has responded, particularly as almost all of the posts seem thoughtful and considered. (Though Balotelli, I'm not sure we're going to agree...) It's interesting that people have expressed such very different opinions.

To answer a few questions. No, nobody in his family (or mine) is an alcoholic. His family hardly drink anything. My closest family are little-but-often drinkers. BUT he lost his mum a couple of years ago to cancer, and I think that made him worry about the general vulnerability of those around him. But he's someone who is very self-disciplined and who never does anything that isn't sensible. I'm pretty sensible but not to that degree. I don't have any other vices. No cigarettes, overeating, infidelity, drugs, etc now or ever. I just like a drink at the end of the day. And yes, it is partly an unwinding coping-with-stress thing. There are some areas of life that are significantly un-wonderful at the moment, and that's not going to change any day soon.

I'm not sure about the slippery slope argument. I haven't increased how much I drink over the last ten years. (Before that, I drank almost nothing). If I drink any more, it affects my sleep, so I'm not even tempted to drink more.

He's not generally controlling, although he'd be surprised to see me writing this because we joke that he tries to be a bit controlling. But really, he's not, in the grand scheme of things, honestly.

It does sound from your responses as though the odd drink-free day might be a good idea.

I live with an alcoholic albeit in recovery 20+ years so no comfy little life here

Nice little sheltered lives, perhaps?
Who did you mean Fiendish? I'm assuming not me (you did see the post up there where I said my dh was an alcoholic?) I'm not pretending that makes me an expert, but I do feel qualified to hold something of an opinion on the matter. My definition of alcoholism is someone who uses it to escape from life, for instance because they can't handle stress without it. It could be half a glass or ten bottles, it doesn't matter. It was depression in my dh's case and trying to escape from an abusive childhood. Softening the pain. If you are abusing alcohol, then you're on the road.

Thank you for coming back Wavering. I have to agree with having the odd drink-free day. By the way, I am not saying that you are an alcoholic, nobody can diagnose a stranger on the internet. Your pattern of drinking made me wonder, because of my personal experience, that is all. I know what it is like to have to deal with someone who has been drinking every day (admittedly often far more than you but not always). One drink does change him and I get very wound up by it. Maybe your dh is the same.

Balotelli I think an apology might be in order

what do you say ?

Agree angel volumes and frequency are not the issue it is using a substance to change the way you feel and the compulsion to keep doing it. My dp never drank every day but if you are trying to 'manage' alcohol in reality it is managing you.

Despite it's profound effects on my relationship, I never defined DC's Dad's drinking as alcoholism really.
IF I had occasion to talk about it I would say he had a 'complicated relationship with drink'.

It has totally skewed my ability to have an opinion on it really though. I have had to think very hard and carefully about posting on this thread.

Twllbach's post resonated with me.

I was lucky as I could take or leave drinking, I drank more in the middle years of the relationship to be on the same plane as then DH.
But when you haven't had a drink, and are with someone that drinks every day, perhaps you notice the subtleties of how it affects someone more.

Apart form the Anger management issues, it was an overall apathy and tedious predictability to our lives that perplexed me.

Kids in bed, drink, watch TV, fall asleep on the sofa, wake to go to bed, heavily sleep, snore.
Every day.
And I don't think the body truly clears of it when it is drunk every day.

My thoughts aren't a judgement of your situation OP, it is something I have avoided thinking about in depth over the last 4/5 years.

It is good that you sound open to compromise, hopefully your H will then enjoy a shared bottle a little more in time..

I think one or two drink-free days would be a great idea OP, and you might even find you enjoy your wine more because of it$ It is of course a good excuse for you to buy a nicer bottle of wine!

Raspberry summed it up absolutely perfectly.
One glass of wine a day is not alcoholism.
Ever. To suggest it is is doing a great disservice to everyone who struggles with alcoholism or has to live with someone who is.
It might be more than you drink, it might be more than the arbitrary Government guidelines suggest is a sensible amount per week.
It might even indicate a low-level dependency.
But it is not alcoholism.

Fwiw I believe that the OPs biggest problem is the attitude of her DH. No adult should have to feel like this in their own home.

always remembering, of course, that when you talk to a person who does drink what I would call too much, they always say "Oh no, I drink hardly anything, just a bit of social drinking now and again, and maybe a tiny glass of wine every day when I get in, maybe two, never more than that, hardly a drop touches my lips"

I would not presume to judge a person based just on what they tell me.

My commercial premises includes a bar. 125ml is a small glass of wine, 250ml is a large glass and is enough to put a typical woman, or a small man, over the driving limit. 375ml is half a bottle.

I like a glass of wine with a meal. I don't drink during or before working hours, not even one glass. The first glass weakens your resolve not to have the second. It is quite true that I am a bit of a puritan about drinking. Two of my old friends drank themselves to death. I know bar staff and other licensees who have been attacked in various unpleasant ways. It can be very tedious dealing with people who have been drinking too much.

i haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I am repeating anything!

Personally I feel that if you are defensive about how much you are drinking then you know its too much. Its not about the quatity its about the dependancy - if you can go for a few days each week without it then its probably fine. But, if you can't give up your two glasses a night I would think you need ot do something about it.

But what is alcholism, if having a large glass of wine every day to deal with stress in not alcholism then tell me what is.

Fiendishlie you are wrong. It is not about volume at all. It is about compulsion and changing how you feel. Your opinions are just that. I know several alcoholics who didn,t drink daily or even weekly. It is about why they wanted to drink and what happened when thy did.