To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

[EnterWittyNicknameHere]

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

And yes, people are being very harsh considering it's a pretty non-contentious issue...

How would your mum have known what to buy uniform wise anyway?? Dont you get a list from school on what your DD needs so unless you have given your mum this list I fail to see how she could have gone out and bought the whole uniform anyway.

Sounds like one big power struggle to me.

I disagree about it being confusing for her.

I used to go and stay with my GPs for a week in the summer - one week with each set. I knew from a really young age that the rules were different there. Later bedtime, more ice-cream, lunch out, sweets.
Not once did I think that those rules were suddenly going to apply at home!

Boggler - I'd also object to a £250 next gift card if I'd already said "no need to buy clothes" because it's still dictating where the clothes are being bought. Note, the OP's mum didn't say "OK, do you need some money to help out?" she decided how much should be spent and where, and decided that the OP couldn't be trusted to fund this. (even knowing OP can afford too)

It's a power play. Not an act of generosity.

Op if your dd turns out spoilt it won't be because of your parents. Your dd has to learn eventually that different people she is with have different boundaries. It's a fact if life that is unavoidable, however much we might want to fight against it.

And kids asking for stuff in shops is normal.

You sound ungrateful But I totally understand why you are ungrateful. The clothes thing is controlling and I would be annoyed as well.

Keep in mine though, you're trying to recreate your childhood for your DD under very different circumstances. You grew up in a family where you had very little, but you shared what you had. You knew your parents didn't have any money to give you so you didn't ask.

Your DD is going to grow up in an environment where both you and you parents are now well off. There is money around, you just don't want to spend it on treating your DD all the time. And that's OK (and right IMO) - but she is still going to grow up with a different view on the value of money than you as she doesn't know what it's like to be poor. Attempting to artificially recreate the environment of being poor might end up being counter-productive.

Incidentally your DB sounds lovely and generous. There is a difference between not knowing what it is like to be poor (or really understanding the value of money) and being spoilt.

Thank you. This post has actually really hit home. You're right. Neither my daughter nor my brother know what it's like to be poor, and hopefully won't ever have to. I'm trying to recreate my own childhood (where we spent all of our time doing free things) in a time where that's no longer possible. Almost everything costs money these days. Most free places are filled with people drinking, or bored teenagers and not suitable for young kids. So where else to take them except spending money and go to the cinema etc?

And yes, that's exactly how i feel: they're being somewhat controlling. I've told them time and time again, thank you but i really want to buy this etc, and they say no. My daughter's only little once, and will be the only child i have. Buying her first school uniform might sound trivial to some people, but to me it's very important.

Two Novembers ago, while out xmas shopping with my mum, i pointed out a doll house in a shop window and said i would buy it next weekfor my dd's Christmas. The next week, after i'd bought it, my mum phoned me and said she's just bought my dd a dollshouse to give her for Christmas - even better than the one i'd bought her. I then had to return mine, and watch my dd's face light up as she opened Granny's present on Christmas day - her first dollshouse. My mum didn't even send it up to mine so she could open it in her own home. She left it at hers so dd knew exactly who got her it.

Again, probably petty to some people, but important to me.

Your mum is enjoying being able to help you now because she couldn't give you things when you were younger. Don't take that away from her. She sounds lovely.

Could you maybe let your mum do things like pay for the school uniform, and put the money you would have spent on it in a college fund for your DD?

And your dad's just being sensible about the road. Listen to him. Kids that age have no sense around roads, you HAVE to teach them.

the dolls house thing would have upset me too.

I don't think you're jealous or unreasonable OP. If your Mum is ignoring your requests regarding present buying I can understand your frustration especially if your dd is starting to show signs of irritating "I want it " behaviour when you're out shopping. Your child your rules.

Exactly bup the OP isn't saying she wants them to babysit and never have an opinion she's asking them not to train her DD to always expect gifts and not to implicitly and explicitly tell her how to parent.

Oh god the Christmas Dolls house made me ! I would have made her return hers. But then I started standing up to my parents "weirdness about money/using it to control situations" a long time ago...

I think Clytaemnestra makes a really good point -- you can't artificially recreate your own childhood to instill those values you want your DD to have.

I grew up very poor, and to this day have never really had any money. I'm not too bothered because I've always managed, and I think it's good to have the kind of frugal approach to life that I've always had to have (was well prepared for the austerity era!)

But with any luck, I should get a new job in the next few years that will entail making a very good salary. One of my motivations for this is that I don't really want DS to have to grow up poor, I want him to have more opportunities than me. Hopefully, I can find a way to have more money and yet still raise him with good values re money.

I don't think restricting treats and presents from family members is a good way to do this. I'd rather try to do it more positively, making sure he appreciates what he does get, and getting him involved in charity when he's older.

why not just let them get the clothes - or what ever they want and with the money you would spend on the everday stuff, put away and use this for the really big stuff in which you child WILL remember....Holidays, Day's out with all the TAT money can buy, the overly expensive toys which under normal circumstance you would refuse to buy!!!!! Look at it as you being able to spend YOUR money onthe GREAT STUFF rather than the needed stuff.

Someone No I'm sorry, but it is not lovely behaviour to continually upset your own daughter in order to gratify your own need to spend loads of money on unnecessary things!!

why did you return the 1st dolls house? because to me you are putting value on things. Why is the more expensive dolls house worth more

The dolls house thing is mean

I've already said that i tried to reach a compromise by saying she can get her shoes or her blazer, but this wasn't good enough. My mum either wanted to buy it all or nothing.

You said you wanted her to buy nothing, so where's the problem here?

All, or nothing?

You pick the nothing?

Cross post op.

Just keep saying no thank you op, it's what we have to do for toys, clothes, sweets and furniture. The furniture and big toys we just put in the shed as we have no room in the house. they'll go to a special place after a decent amount of time

Some posters are really being unkind, if you don't agree no need to get personal.

Oh, and important thing I realised, with my parents - they are not being generous, they are using money to have a 'say' in something that would otherwise not be any of their business.

Keep cross posting op, sorry!

The dolls house incident would have made me see red. Not a nice thing to do.

"Your mum is enjoying being able to help you now because she couldn't give you things when you were younger. Don't take that away from her. She sounds lovely."

But why is it ok for the GM to take the OPs opportunity to give her own daughter things now. If she continually buys things first leaving the OP no chance to, she is selfish and needs to stop. And if it upset her so much that she couldn't do things the way she wanted to when her own children were small, then how can she not understand that she is doing the same to her own daughter!!

Ah the Christmas dolls house was just plain mean,that made me feel for you.

Feck it,she is being controlling.

It does sound like you're a little jealous of your younger brother but it hasn't really got anything to do with you (in the nicest of ways).

I do get the school uniform thing. I work FT and my PIL have DD 1.5 days a week. They're going to be taking her to school (nursery) and had bought lots of her school uniform already. I simply said that I wanted to buy some things for her to and did so. If PIL bought more then I would have returned it, had they put money of a gift card I would have kept it for something else. No fuss.

I don't think you can change your parents, you can however change your reaction to it. If they're going to buy something for her, maybe hint how much she likes a particular magazine [something cheap and disposable].

My PIL have to keep all things they buy at their house because our house is tiny. If they insist it comes to ours then we decide what we do with it (eBay, attic, charity shop or keep), same for both toys and clothes! Sounds harsh but we don't have space and I'm really clear with them about it (and have no problem eBaying or returning things). They've got the hint that I mean what I say when it's not coming to our house. They buy, they keep! They have now stopped as their wardrobes are full and the house bursting with toys.

With the gift cards, take the money and spend it on whatever - DD, yourself, DH, Christmas presents, Next homewares (!). If they want to spend, yet have bought lots for DD already, then don't worry about it. I'd also return some of the clothes and buy what you want instead. You're 30yo, you don't have to dress your DD in the stuff your mum buys. I wouldn't mention you're returning stuff though, just smile, say thanks and take it all back. If the labels have been removed, sell on eBay or give away to charity shops/friends/freeCycle.

"but I want to buy dd clothes too"

This I can understand - my MIL was a bit like this with first worst still the clothes were very OTT girly and in fabric DD couldn't ware due to bad excema - and it did take away something I'd been looking forward to doing though TBH the excitement there soon waned for both of us.

However:

" Next giftcard instead with £250 on it!"

You lose me here - your mother puts money on a gift card so you get to chose the clothes so what is the problem? The money you would have spent you can then save for your DD for her long term future. I honestly don't see why this is undermining you at all - it's your mother trying to make your life much easier than her was with young DC.

"I really think it is starting to affect my dd because every time we go into a shop, she asks for something. When i say no, she gets upset and asks why not?"

Well surely it's just saying to her - well you don't get something every time you enter a shop. Your Grandmother choses to buy you something - she doesn't have to you should be very grateful. I've said no - and that is that.

Or something alone those lines. It is fairly normal for DC even those not used to getting something to ask for stuff in shops and to try tantrums as a way of getting round no.

This is probably about your mother being unable to go back in time and lavish money on you like she would have liked. Instead she is remembering how hard and expensive young DC are and is trying to make things easier for you now.

I'd suggest you put the money you would have spent on your DD into saving account for her future or something else now she needs. There is a lot of time and many ways of teaching DC about money and its value.

Sorry, x-post

The dolls house thing is sad, you're right.

But I think in a way, it might help to try to let go of some of these feelings of 'her first doll house', 'her first school uniform'. I do understand, I only have one child myself, but if your family is this involved in her life and seeing her a couple times a week, that's fairly involved then to a certain extent you need to let some things go. It's good practice for when they go to school and suddenly they will be doing loads of firsts without you.

My MIL gave my DS his first haircut, which was upsetting at first because I had wanted to save a lock of his hair, but I made myself let it go as she is so wonderful to DS.

Your DD is not going to remember who bought her what, she will remember that you are her mum and you love her and you will always be there for her.