To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

[EnterWittyNicknameHere]

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

Oh how I wish my lovely DS had a nanny to spoil him but sadly my MIL and my mum are both dead as is my FIL so DS just has one grandad who lives in Spain.

Posts about people getting annoyed with doting grandparents really grate on me......just be grateful and appreciate it!

Well, I think it's a little harsh to ask your mum not to buy her grandchildren things but she shouldn't have gone behind your back.

YABU about your dad though, he's only looking out for her.

The OP is this woman's daughter, if her interpretation is that her mother deliberately kept it at her house so that she wouldn't know about it, then yes I think that it is likely to be the case. The only reason that the OP knew about it was because the child was so upset at not being able to take it home!! Why would the GM not just let her take it if she was so upset, unless of course she had another reason not to. And yes, if someone who was caring for my child deliberately went against my wishes, and tried to hide it from me, I would have problems trusting them.

I also think YABU. My ILs spend a lot of time with my DS and yes they do get him treats quite often but that's why grandparents are great Quite frankly his room at their house is nicer than his room here at home but so what? He loves going there and I feel really lucky that they care for him so much. I know they won't be around forever and I want everyone to enjoy each other while it lasts.

I think kids end up spoiled not so much by how much they get, but how they are taught to think about it. I think you should lighten up about the treats and just focus on keeping a positive attitude about all of it.

Infact, yea, I've changed my mind. The bitch normally buys a magazine or a small toy, but had the audacity to buy a £10 dollhouse to keep at her house, without making sure she had prior approval.

Pp is right, don't trust her, she sounds poisonous. Cut off all contact, that'll learn her

How often does she see her GPs? If it's several times a week and it's a proper present each time then that probably is a bit much. Could you speak to your mum when your DD isn't around and explain that you don't want DD to start associating seeing them with presents as you're worried she'll start expecting/demanding gifts?

If she's seeing them once a month or so then I might just let it go.

Personally I don't think cinema and pizza hut are only a treat if you've billed them as such. They could be "just what we're doing today" rather than "I'm taking you for a big treat".

I think kids only get spoilt if they constantly demand and those demands are met with no appreciation on their part. As your DD will, I assume, be with you much more than her GPs I think she's unlikely to be spolit.

I think you do need to pull your mum up on the "you can't take this lovely pressie home because your mum is mean" thing though. She could easily have just said it was to keep at her house. I think that was points scoring and a bit sly - I'm nice you're mum isn't talk is pathetic.

With the road advice I think you just have to make noncommittal noises and ignore but that's hard to do after a stressful day.

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child"

Betty, my mother is dead too, don't think that means another person isn't allowed to have problems with how their own mother behaves .

My mum lives bloody miles away and we hardly ever see her. DS adores her. I think you're being ridiculously petty to complain about your own mother's generosity. Do you ever stop to think how lucky you are that you have family nearby who want to see your DC and enjoy spoiling her? There are many people who would swap with you in an instant.

There's a stray "don't" after "personally I" in my post...whoops!

Of course not but to complain that in effect nanny loves your kid too much and treats them to nice things.......it's ludicrous! OP should thank her lucky stars she is in a position where her mum can spoil her DD and just accept it for what it is...something nice!

Yeah Grandmother buys granddaughter doll house to play with during visits! What a bitch!

whathellcall- OR the GM kept it there so she can play with it there. Either way, I can't see a crime has been committed here and if the OP had trust issues because her mother bought toys to keep at her house then I would think the OP would be the one with a problem.

All I see in the OP is two invloved and caring grandparents stepping out of their daughters's control zone without permission.

^^ That.

I don't think the OP is annoyed that her mother loves her dd too much, love and material gifts are not the same thing. But as I said before, I think the main issue isn't whether the OP is stingy or the GM is too generous, it is the fact that the GM went directly against the OPs wishes and then tried to hide it. I'm not saying it should be a massive cut all contact deal, but I would not be happy and I can see why the OP needs a bit of a rant .

We don't KNOW she tried to hide it, she may have just bought it to keep at hers and not thought to gain OP's permission first.

See, I didnt see it as she was trying to hide it...probably more of a case as keep it at nannys house so you can play with it whilst you are here. Theres no way if a little girl is bought a dolls house by nanny she isnt going to tell mummy...and obviously as soon as OP goes round there she would see it anyway. I just think OP is annoyed and reading too much into it.

As for getting annoyed with her dad - sounds like he is only looking out for the safety of the little girl, maybe he has witnessed her getting a bit too close to the road of something, again, not something to be flamed for hey!

YABU. Why can't a Grandma buy a present for grandchildren. If that's all you've got to worry about think yourself lucky. Honestly, what a petty fuss about nothing.

I think you sound really uptight about the toy thing. My only rule for my kids is the DON'T ASK! Not ever, that's rude and they know this. Otherwise they have a big family who do loads with them, who am I I to lay down the law on what they want to do with my kids. My dc btw are the MOST unspoiled kids I know in spite of having lots materially.

The thing with her running ahead though when she actually isn't at all would annoy me to. I would just keep saying a breezy "oh she's fine, I can see her all the way". Big smile, change subject.

Hmmm I think if I told my mil or mother how to behave with my dcs they would quite rightly tell me to mind my own business. OP - your mum is buying your daughter small scale toys and treats on the occasions she has her with her. You do the parenting the rest of the time. If your daughter turns out to be unappreciative of other people's generosity it won't be your mum's fault..........

Just let this go please. You're being daft and if you carry on with this you'll hurt your parents and most of all you'll hurt your dd who shouldn't be in the middle of any sort of strife. She las loving parents and loving grandparents that's all. I think they have a point about the road thing btw. By busy roads - even ith your frint door right there, I would expect my dds to remain with me and not run anywhere.

But Betty, if the child was so upset as to be crying cos she couldn't bring it home, why did the GM not just let her, unless of course the OPs assessment that she deliberately wanted to keep it from her is correct.

Well, it also depends on your budget - if you have a lot of spare cash each month then going to the cinema and going to pizza hut aren't big treats, they are just things you are doing that day, and a £10 dolls house is a 'little toy at granny's house' - but if you are on a limited budget, a trip to the cinema and pizza hut are big treats, and a £10 dolls house isn't a little thing that will be dwarfed by the Christmas gifts parents will be giving that year, it might be of equal standing to the main presents the DCs will be getting.

But I think the 2 complaints the OP has are part of the same issue - that her parents ignored her decision to limit the toys her DD has by buying them anyway and telling her how to parent properly. OP - does it feel like your parents think they are in charge of what happens with DD not you? That they are the ones that make the final decisions and don't accept it's your opinion that counts?

I bet you could come back with a whole list of little issues - all that are on a similar theme, them either undermining your parenting decisions or them telling you how you should parent.

I bet it's not about a dolls house really. This does give you the perfect opportunity to put some boundaries in, tell them if there are toys on the next visit you'll reduced the visits. You probably wont have to enforce that rule for long.

Hardly trying to hide it, just sounds like gran knew op would clench so said the dollhouse had to stay at hers.

I've said I don't want any more Poundland guns etc in the house because im fed up of standing on them every bloody 5 mins but I've no problem with the arsenal of weaponry ds has at both sets of gps. More crap there = less crap at mine = happy hairylemon

'tell them if there are toys on the next visit you'll reduced the visits.'

Blimey- how mean and abusive does that sound???? [shocked]. I thought the whole point of grandparents was to spoil children with presents. Unless they are buying her crack pipes and alcopops ( waits for drip feed....) this sounds incredibly rude and petty.

But Betty, if the child was so upset as to be crying cos she couldn't bring it home, why did the GM not just let her

Because if she bought the dolls house and said to her GD that it was to stay at nannys house then wouldnt that be spoling her if she then gave in and let it take her home??

Yabu. Asking your mum not to buy her anything because she'd already gone to Pizza Hut and the cinema tha week is quite miserable really. They sound like lovely grandparents and your dd is lucky to have them.