To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

[EnterWittyNicknameHere]

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

If OP DD is beginning to pester for presents, then GP behaviour has to stop. I don't think Op is jealous, I think she sounds fed up with her parents trying to play bountiful and almost trying to take over what a mum does. I hear you OP, because sometimes my lovely parents do this too, and I sometimes get a tad fed up with it!

Your mother is making up for not being able to provide the nice things she wanted to give to you lot as children. In doing so she is causing you to be jealous and resentful of your brother (he doesn't sound too bad BTW, unless you have some examples of how his 'wanting for nothing' is ruining his personality?).

It sounds like you need to deal with your jealousy about your DM buying things for these children. That sounds really harsh I'm sorry. I can't think how to rephrase it.

I dont feel from the examples you have given that your DM is trying to undermine you, she's just trying to be nice to your DD.

OP - you can buy things for your daughter now so you can't see your mum's pov. It sounds like when you were young they were seriously short of cash. How many times do you think they felt sad because they couldn't buy things for you? How many times do you think they wished somebody would come along and buy uniform for them - as they provided it for 4 dcs. Sure you managed fine but I bet they felt crap a lot of the time. It sounds like yes they need to rein in the spending on clothes but that's surely something you can talk to them about. Do they have a savings account for dd? Could you ask them to put little bits of cash aside to pay for big residential trips at school and so forth? I really think you need to understand your mums feelings. It's horrible not to be able to give your kids what you feel they deserve.

And uptight. Not just 'upright'. You sound uptight too!

I don't understand, if your mother is this skilled at turning children into useless, spoilt people how did you turn out so wonderful?

Fair enough. Maybe i'm naive in thinking that my childhood/generation (money-wise) can be the same as dd's. But i don't want her getting so much, and thinking all she has to do is ask Granny and then she gets. I enforce certain rules at my house, and then my mum has her own little rules when dd is in her care. It's not fair on dd imo. It'll be so confusing for her.

And i know it might sound childish to have rished out and got her uniform, but what would be the alternative? Missing out on buying my only child's first school things (which is something i've been looking forward to since she was little!) because my mum wanted to instead? How is that fair? I've already said that i tried to reach a compromise by saying she can get her shoes or her blazer, but this wasn't good enough. My mum either wanted to buy it all or nothing.

She treats money like it's no big deal, and this is not an attitude i want my child adopting.

It's great for grandparents and other family to be involved and buy gifts and wee treats, but your mother does sound like she is going way over the top.

Why do so many posters on here seem to think that OP should just be grateful and not be allowed to get annoyed at having her wishes directly ignored. If GM is such a lovely woman, why does she think it's ok to upset her own daughter like this .

You are the primary influence in your child's life,not your parents.They are part-time visitors,so to speak.You are the full time influence.Them 'spoiling' or treating her once a month to a present (I don't think the weekly 2 pound comics or whatever really count) really wont dictate how she turns out.If you,as the full time parent,were doing it...well,that would be different.She would quite possibly turn out to be demanding or spoilt.But having grandparents that buy her nice stuff sometimes (and it's not every time) really won't ruin her.

I think regarding the next vouchers etc...if you really would prefer to use your own money,then take the vouchers and donate them to your local womans refuge.

It's irritating as hell when grandparents overstep the boundaries you set,I get that.But I can also see how they want to make up for the years they had to scrimp by.There are worse things they could be doing.It's hard to advise on this one...I don't know,would you be able to choose one area that they are in charge of paying for?Something like ballet lessons(that would cost them fees and outfits).It would get them off your back in relation to the other areas maybe?

You sound ungrateful But I totally understand why you are ungrateful. The clothes thing is controlling and I would be annoyed as well.

Keep in mine though, you're trying to recreate your childhood for your DD under very different circumstances. You grew up in a family where you had very little, but you shared what you had. You knew your parents didn't have any money to give you so you didn't ask.

Your DD is going to grow up in an environment where both you and you parents are now well off. There is money around, you just don't want to spend it on treating your DD all the time. And that's OK (and right IMO) - but she is still going to grow up with a different view on the value of money than you as she doesn't know what it's like to be poor. Attempting to artificially recreate the environment of being poor might end up being counter-productive.

Incidentally your DB sounds lovely and generous. There is a difference between not knowing what it is like to be poor (or really understanding the value of money) and being spoilt.

As for running near the road, I have to say I wouldn't let my DD do that. We hold hands or she goes home. Sounds like OP would probably agree if it wasn't for the fact that GP is trying to muscle in on parenting. Think you need to sit down with your folks and say thank you for all you do for DD but could you back off a bit? Or ask them to put the cash they would spend on toys into an account for DD uni fees.

'I don't understand, if your mother is this skilled at turning children into useless, spoilt people how did you turn out so wonderful?'

I've already said, there's a huge age gap between myself and my youngest brother. They only started getting more money when my dad changed jobs when my brother was a preschooler.

my parents didn't have much money when i was young ( 7 children and only my father working), they now say that now they have alot more money (my father earns more in a week than i do in a month) they want to spoil the grandchildren. the want to give them the life they couldn't give to us.

last year my sister husband lost his job and they had zero money coming in till JSA and TC was being sorted, my dad went to the bank drawed out X amount and got her children sorted for the new school year ( no repayment need :) )

Actually, I think that YANBU. I have the same issues with my mum and I know that she means well/enjoys spoiling DS BUT...

1. She buys him something every time we go out, which is twice a week on average. There is No Need.

1. This leads to DS expecting something each time we go out (he is 5) I cannot afford it, nor do I want him to 'expect' a toy/treat just because it is a day with a y in it.

1. Why do GPs have to spoil with bits of plastic shit? It's just a lazy way of 'treating' a child. What's wrong with spending an afternoon at the park learning to bike ride, making biscuits, doing a teddy bear's picnic? Why does affection have to be shown with the purchasing of tat?

1. It's not even ultimately about the toys. It's about over-ruling you, the parent.

No whatthe, you're right she sounds a right cow, buying treats for her gc, more front than blackpool that one. Much better for the gp to just stay behind the scenes, mute, except when they are needed for childcare, natch

Oh, see, now everyone who's jealous as they are struggling financially will say you are selfish, failing to see completely that your mother is being very controlling by insisting on being the one who decides what your DD wears, what she will have and uses her money as a way of "winning" - when people get like this, it's hard to stop them without seeming petty, because each individual act seems like kindness, but overall, it's using her money to ensure your DD is raised as she would like her to be. I can see why the parenting tips on top of that would be bloody annoying.

Your mum isn't being generous, she's being controlling, but doing it in a way that looks nice so you look like a cow/unreasonable if you refuse.

Why shouldn't a mother who has spare money go any buy her little DD's clothes? Why shouldn't a mother who can easily afford it get to go and get her DD's first school uniform?

It sounds stiffling and pressured. I don't think anyone who's without parents who are 'odd about money' will get it.

Thats what grandparemts do ffs count your self lucky we onlt here from my oh paremts at christams i the form of a card

Very petty reson to stop conatct of you ask me when i have my grandchildren i intend to spoil them rotton cake for breakfast if i can get away with it

Your parents couldn't give you much when you were little, and probably this is something they have felt bad about for years. Now they have some money, they probably enjoy being able to do nice things for your brother AND for your DD. I do think you should try to find a way to be grateful for this.

You say you don't want your DD to grow up like your brother but you don't say why you find your brother so objectionable -- is he rude? lazy?

You see his giving a pound to your DD as him not appreciating the value of money, well maybe it's more that he doesn't think money is the most important thing and is just being generous.

It sounds like your parents are overcompensating, but I don't think it's fair to deprive your DD of their time and affection just because you are having uncomfortable feelings about it. If you handle it right, it won't actually hurt her.

"'I don't understand, if your mother is this skilled at turning children into useless, spoilt people how did you turn out so wonderful?'

I've already said, there's a huge age gap between myself and my youngest brother. They only started getting more money when my dad changed jobs when my brother was a preschooler."#

Been there, too mate.

We were brassic when I was little (mum a single parent) then rich stepdad comes along, I get a half-brother who gets a computer console aged 5 for a BOXING DAY present, because he is jealous of what I have had for christmas. It's done him no favours in the long run because he is still a spoiled brat at 22.

Op IMO YABU very!

Your parents sound fantastic and I cant believe that you object to being a £250 gift card to buy clothes for your dd. You sound very envious of your your youngest brother and I think your mother was only trying to be fair by buying the dolls house when the 13yo was having a computer game, and yet you vilify her for it! I note your comments arbout buying things and putting them away for Christmas - how on earth would anyone know that your doing that?

I hunk you need to stand back and retread your posts objectively and you'll see how pathetic your comments seem, just be grateful that your parents are as kind and generous as they are to your dd.

YANBU (lone voice!) this seems to be more about your mum trying to control things than about presents and treats. Very odd of your mum not just to say "okay then" when you say "thanks but no thanks". Whether she's just very generous/compensating for your youth/whatever she must be aware by now that it's making you uncomfortable.

It sounds to me as if you are envious of what your younger brother has from your parents and how different this is from your childhood experiences. And this is clouding your judgement WRT your DD and her GM.

I thinks GP's are allowed to spoil their GC - it's one of their main rolls. If you don't like what your Mum buys for your DD, perhaps you could ask your DM & train up your DD so these purchases stay with the GM for when your DD is there.

As for not buying stuff as you might by it in the sales and put it aside for Xmas, quite frankly I'm speechless so have a

I'm amazed at the flaming you are getting. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! I wouldn't be talking about cutting contact or anything, that does seem rather extreme, but not wanting your parents to buy your kids extreme numbers of presents and treats? that sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible to me. I don't think kids (or indeed grownups) need excessive numbers of material possessions and if they know granny will buy them anything they like even if mum and dad won't, yes imo that will turn them into spoilt and entitled brats just as much as if their parents were doing it. Stick to your guns!

People are being very very harsh! Calling the OP mean, nasty, a bitch etc is really ott and uncalled for!

"No whatthe, you're right she sounds a right cow, buying treats for her gc, more front than blackpool that one. Much better for the gp to just stay behind the scenes, mute, except when they are needed for childcare, natch "

Oh look, it's that MN phenomenon called No Middle Ground.

My MIL sees plenty of DS and she certainly doesn't spoil him materially. They'll spend a day baking or at the park or she'll get on her hands and knees on the floor and actually play with him. She is certainly not behind the scenes or mute, just because she doesn't procure half of frigging Toys R Us every time she has him over.

So the GM is allowed to enjoy buying clothes and treats, but the OP is childish for wanting to enjoy buying her child's clothes. WTAF!!

The GM has already had a chance to overcompensate with the OPs younger brother, why should she be allowed to do the same to the OP's dd, when the OP clearly doesn't want her to. Do the GMs feelings matter more that the OPs then?? As a mother, I would like to think that I will always put my child's needs/wishes before my own.