To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

[EnterWittyNicknameHere]

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

You are so funny Hairylemon love you!.....forgot about" SHE,not Mum,knits with crap acrylic yarn....am tossing it to the charity shop"

Oh... and you won't stop the parenting comments. You have only one choice and that is to ignore

Hoping I wasn't too harsh above, but it's the best way I've found to deal with our smaller PIL spending problem. You simply need to take the approach of no shame to returning, selling or passing on things you don't want/need.

Ahhh, much as AIBU drip feeds when its not going the OPs way piss me off your post about the other dollshouse has now made me think that as there is obviously more to this than just your first posts, that would grate on my tits too. Infact I did have a duplicate present issue with my mum christmas just gone, it was very easily solved though with a "oh bloody nora mum, Ive already bought one like that, you get him the the xxxxx instead to go with it if you want". The fact that you couldnt say this to your mum does make me think its not just about presents/clothes.

Want to stop it? I only have one rule when it comes to treats - everything that gets bought for the kids stays at the GPs, they will soon tire of tripping up over shite/gathering up ripped magazine pages/retrieving shards of plastic from the soft undersoles of their feet with blunt tweezers that the treats will fizzle out trust me.

"Two Novembers ago, while out xmas shopping with my mum, i pointed out a doll house in a shop window and said i would buy it next weekfor my dd's Christmas. The next week, after i'd bought it, my mum phoned me and said she's just bought my dd a dollshouse to give her for Christmas - even better than the one i'd bought her. I then had to return mine, and watch my dd's face light up as she opened Granny's present on Christmas day - her first dollshouse."

I had that too - I have to thing up a suggestion list for family and hope they follow that then keep what I want to buy them very very quiet.

I have a similar issue with my own mother, she treats the kids every single time we see her.

Last time I was with her she bought six pairs of shoes for the kids (DD + DS) and a Mcdonalds, to give you an idea of the scale of her spending. This happens virtually every single time she sees them.

She puts away at least a hundred pounds a month for them each I think, and feels she doesn't see them enough, so makes up for it with things.

A lot of the time I am incredibly grateful, they needed shoes, so I couldn't say no to that as she was helping and making sure they didn't go without. She buys a lot of clothes and things like that, which is great because I can only afford basics and second hand.

It's when Christmas at her house outshines Christmas at mine, and the kids get so much they get bored of opening presents, and become ungrateful because they get tired, and overwhelmed, and to be honest because it's not special to them any more, it's just expected as normal and causes conflict with mum because she thinks it's terrible they are not behaving because they should be glad to have such a generous granny.

And whilst I had shopped smart and managed to afford a great haul for them on my budget of £75 per child, my mum spent hundreds and it ended up as a falling out because she was shouting at DS, I got upset and smacked him, and actually it was all of us expected too much from a child and getting spoilt behaviour because he has literally been spoilt by her his whole life.

So I have cut down. And asked her to cut down too. I try to encourage her to focus on useful things rather than toys, like subscriptions, clothes, shoes, days out, meals, if she really wants to spend, and have personally cut right down on purchases myself. Christmas will be kept to less toys, more family time and fun. Money gets put away instead of in front of the kids as toys. And my mum mostly listens to me when I ask her to conform to my rules and expected behaviour. Although I have to accept to some degree that when she has them, she does spoil them a bit, because she loves them to pieces and wants the pleasure of providing them with things I can't.

OP YADNBU!
Some of these anti OP posts are just irrational! I'm sorry for posters who have GP who don't give a shit about GC, but that's not enough reason to vilify OP who just wants to do usual mummy stuff with her own child. FGS.

Re the dollshouse - that is shitty of your mum and I would have made her take her one back!!

OP why not suggest to your folks
Cash in account for uni
After school club fees eg brownies, ballet
Books
Private school fees??
Good luck OP, ignore the haters!

I was going to suggest swimming lessons - something they could occasionally come and see her doing.

OP once DD starts school there are more activities that require money - so try and direct your parents attention there.

See? Re: the doll's house thing. It is not because granny wants DGD to have nice things, it's because she wants to be granny who buys all the best stuff. It's controlling and shit. I suspect she is shit at showing her love through the medium of cuddles and quality time. Am I right, OP?

Mum, DS and I were in a shop the other day. I agreed that I would buy DS a Mr Men book to add to his collection (I buy him one a fortnight) Bearing in mind he'd had a bag full of sweets and a trip to the cinema that day, the book was the cherry on the cake tbh. Then mum pipes up "NANNA WILL BUY YOU ONE TOO!" Errrr what the fuck?! What's up with discreetly mouthing to me "Can I buy him one too?" not annoucing that you WILL be buying him one. So I said no. I don't care if that makes me a twat.

yabu. Your childhood doesn't sound too wonderful (through no fault of your parents) so why do you want to purposely recreate the bad bits for your daughter?

You have said nothing that indicates your brother is a spoilt brat, he sounds lovely and generous, unlike you. You do realise that a pound 30 years ago was worth a lot more back then? Inflation has changed the value of everything, welcome to 2012.

Tbh, you sound very mean, you aren't happy for your child to have things because you didn't have them, it sounds like your jealous and resentful. You wish for your daughter to be more like you than your brother, you may well get that, if you continue as you are she may grow up to be jealous and resentful (just like you) of all the things she could have had but was deprived of because mommy didn't want her to have more than she did growing up.

You should appreciate that you have parents who care about their grandkid and want to treat her. That's what loving grandparents do.

If you want her to have anything special clothes wise there's nothing stopping you from going out and getting them yourself. You can never have too many clothes. Send everything that she's grown out of off to the charity shop and you'll have room to store them.

YANBU and that has been clear from your OP.

Your mother sounds demented.

It is incredibly disrespectful of you as an adult to try to usurp your responsibility to provide for your own child.

My Mum is generous and buys lots of treats for my kids. It is nothing like this - she would never try to take over my "job" as their mother or compete with me for who gave the best present.

Does anyone ever think their gps/ mils are perfect?

Op- you asked if yabu, and I think you have had your answer from the majority.

Your situation is irritating but it's not the end of the world and not worth exerting do much emotional energy over.

It sounds to me like your mum is trying to make it upu to you to give your dd a better life than she was able to give you at that age. It doesn't come frOm malice.

PMSL at the OP being jealous and resentful :o

Talk about missing the fucking point.

Is it so hard to imagine that some people don't think having loads of stuff is important?

Get your mum to buy dd a pony and pay for its keep. That should deal nicely with her disposable income

You can never have too many clothes?
The OP DD is 5 FFS. Not Kate bloody Middleton!
Get a grip, bobbledunk.

Buying your granddaughter a better dolls' house than the one you know your daughter has got her for Christmas does seem a leetle bit malicious.

A majority can be wrong.

YABVVU. Grandparents like to treat their grandkids. I sometimes ask my mum to reign in the sweets/treats on the grounds of my kids' health, but if she wants to buy your DD toys to keep at her house, it has basically got jeff all to do with you.

Stop being a brat and be thankful your parents are involved, caring and indulgent. Some kids have fucking useless grandparents.

Haha at the pony idea!
Go for it OP!
The majority are so wrong! Jeesh!

TBF AThing, based only on the OP and a few posts after she does sound resentful (to me and it appears most others), but after the revelation of Dollshousegate I have changed my view a bit. That does sound like oneupmanship. My mum and MIL love treating my DCs and gtting nice birthday/xmas pressies but they would never do anything like that.

Ok OP I think you should just go with the majority on this.
And demand that your parents buy DD even more stuff.
In fact why don't they just adopt her and save you the bother and expense of raising her??

"You should appreciate that you have parents who care about their grandkid and want to treat her. That's what loving grandparents do."

I read variations on this weird notion pretty frequently on MN.

When did it become the role of grandparents to "spoil"/treat their grandchildren?

IME loving grandparents show their love by spending time with their GCs and being interested in them, teaching them how to do stuff and talking to them.

Not by buying all their clothes and toys.

OP easy way to solve this. Seriously, get your mum to take her to a poundshop, give her £20 to spend on toys to keep at Grannys. She will come out with so much shit it will put your mum off buying anything again.

I didn't want to sound like I was having a go, or suggesting you are mean, I don?t think you are . And I don't believe that the only things of value are paid for. You sound like you have absolutely the right idea when it comes to bringing up your DD to be financially responsible and understand that you need to work for things.

Problem with the value of money is that it is totally relative to circumstance, so the value of a pound to you 15 years ago compared to the value of a pound to your brother today (allowing for inflation as well ;) ) IS different. So teach your DD how to manage her money. Teach her to save. But you can?t teach her what it?s like to be poor, that?s something you have to be to understand I think.

The dolls house thing makes your mum sound like a cow if I?m honest. Do you think she?s in competition with you, or do you think she?s overcompensating for not providing so much when you were young and trying to make up for it in a totally cack-handed and insensitive way?

And things like £250 on a next gift card - that's not letting OP chose what to buy her daughter, it's telling her she has to buy it from a specific shop, which the DM has chosen. What if she wants to buy her DD clothes from somewhere else? She can't without appearing to be an ungrateful moo. It also implies that the OP can't or won't provide for her daugher so DM has to pay for it to happen.

I'm fully in support of grandparents being generous, and I have fond memories of trying to tactfully explain to FIL that DD probably didn't need a third enormous cuddly hippo, being that she was two months old and mainly entertained by her own feet. But your DM is, intentially or not, pushing you out of your own DD's life in these areas and that's not on.