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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

278 replies

EnterWittyNicknameHere · 06/08/2012 12:55

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 06/08/2012 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Socknickingpixie · 07/08/2012 01:05

well it was a plastic cows head with a cowbell hanging under it and under the cow bell was a small basket and it was mounted on a plaque. horrid and ugly i know but the basket had tiny toys in it so none of the babies would eat them and as a child it was the most amazing thing in the world you were very very grown up if you were able to play with those toys.

every time i see that cow it makes me think about my granny

Socknickingpixie · 07/08/2012 01:09

and im not even going to fess up about the musical loo roll holder that also went missing and is currently in my downstairs loo because the tinys love to play with it just like i did its just one of those silly things that you know is so compleatly wrong but never matters because of the person you associate it with Grin

Divinyl · 07/08/2012 09:23

More thoughts...

If they exist, your DM could maybe see if she could get a subscription to a magazine with ideas for making things with little kids, or a mixed pack. Mum used to do this with Humpty Club back in the day (long gone I suspect) and each time a pack arrived I remember it had a jigsaw and a kind of colour-in play mat with it, and those were great. Plus your DD gets post!

You could make lists throughout the year of things your DD really liked, as a 'save for Christmas/Birthday' list, and coordinate with her GM on them. If you think it might work with GM, you might try this: if DD asks and wheedles for things when she is out, make a thing of writing them down in a note book and tell her what you are doing. Not just 'dinosaur', but 'When DD went to Framley museum, she would have really liked a dinosaur that blinked its eyes'. This apparently often satisfies the 'want' at the time because the wish is acknowledged even if not met and they are slightly mystified about what you're doing and why! At the end of the year you may have a resource for things for Christmas, and hopefully your DM will see that a lot of the things she would have bought over time are pretty silly and not 'must haves' or going to be missed. On the other hand I do suspect that she might just rush out and buy every single one so this may be sthg to treat very cautiously.

freddiefrog · 07/08/2012 09:51

Actually, I can see where you're coming from and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I have the same situation with my parents. We didn't have a lot when my brother and I were growing up, they're now quite wealthy and want to give my children what they couldn't give me and my brother.

Which is fine to a certain extent, but we ended up with me not being able to as much as mention something I thought I might buy for the girls without my mum rushing straight out to buy it - she meant well, and I absolutely adore her for it and I am grateful, but it was getting too much

I had a few (boring) chores to do in town one day and my DDs had to come with me. There was something that DD1 was desperate for and in the spirit of bribery I promised to buy it for her if she was patient while we did our chores. Within 5 minutes she was playing up and I reminded her of our promise to be patient or no toy to which she replied "I don't care, I'll just ask Nanny. She'll buy it for me anyway"

Mum and I had a little chat, she has now cut down on the stuff she buys and puts the cash she would have spent into a savings account for them to access when they need it for uni/driving lessons/etc.

I adore my parents and wouldn't hurt them for the world but it did all get a bit too much at one point

Pinkflipflop · 07/08/2012 09:56

YABU! It is a grandparents job to spoil and buy their grandchildren things!!

Let her enjoy it and be thankful she is interested in your dd.

Pinkflipflop · 07/08/2012 09:57

Have to say the 'what if I buy her the same thing for Christmas' line sounds slightly petty.

cocolepew · 07/08/2012 10:38

YANBU.

BupcakesandCunting · 07/08/2012 10:45

"YABU! It is a grandparents job to spoil and buy their grandchildren things!!"

No it isn't.

libelulle · 07/08/2012 10:54

I have a headache too.

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 13:49

Are they at it again BUPCAKES?
I thought we'd settled this yesterday, ie the majority who are saying YABU are just WRONG.
YANBU.

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 13:49

YANBU

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 13:50

YANBU

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 13:50

YANBU

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 13:50

Got it? Good.
End of.

Original poster
EnterWittyNicknameHere · 07/08/2012 15:24

Thanks everyone again.

I popped down to my mum's this morning with dd to have a cup of tea (but prepared for an argument), however, it went strangely well...

DD showed me the new dollshouse in question. TBH it's not as extravagant as i imagined, but still musst have cost at least £10. Mum assured me that it's just for her house, and knew not to send it back with dd that day because (in her words) i would have been furious.

I told her she shouldn't have got her anything when i asked her not to. She apologised, but said she only bought her for her house, so its not exactly a present for dd as such, as my nephew can play with it too when he's down there...

Anyway, i made clear - again - how i don't want dd getting such frequent random questions. I said 'do you want X to view you as a present-machine, or a fun, loving granny? All you do when you have her is go shopping, or go to a cafe, or do something else that costs money. I've never actually seen you take her to a FREE park, or play with her etc. You're always out spending cash'.

Well, i think this upset her tbh. And i felt horrid. But i think (hope) FINALLY my message is clear. I assured her it's fine to pick up small treats for dd every now and again such as new hair bobbles or a magazine etc, but big gifts should be run by me first before being bought.

She also assured me that my dad is just very overprotective of dd and although he went about it the wrong way, his heart was in the right place. Although i let dd run up the gate herself, i've told dd that grandad wants her to hold his hand when getting out the car and until they're inside the building.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnterWittyNicknameHere · 07/08/2012 15:25

frequent random PRESENTS not QUESTIONS. Doh! So many typos.

OP posts:
PineappleBed · 07/08/2012 15:54

Sounds positive and good of you to compromise on the path thing!

ThePigOnTheWall · 07/08/2012 15:59

I'm not surprised she was upset tbh even though I see your point. I hope you weren't quite that blunt! "present machine"? Ouch!

AChickenCalledKorma · 07/08/2012 16:20

Can't she be a fun-loving granny and give her grand-daughter presents? (Confused)

I think it would be very hard for your daughter to be spoiled by her granny's presents, as long as you stick to your less materialistic values at home.

ll31 · 07/08/2012 17:14

yabvu-and your conversation with her sounds nasty imo. She's her grandmother and you're trying to micro manage their relationship. Whatever about toys-though yabu there too - what's it to you how she spends her time with her once she's safe and happy. think there must be some other issues...

AThingInYourLife · 07/08/2012 17:31

"I think it would be very hard for your daughter to be spoiled by her granny's presents, as long as you stick to your less materialistic values at home."

People keep saying this and is an utter load of crap.

My parents have a pretty big influence on my children.

If they were selfish enough to spoil them, then it absolutely would have an impact on them.

How could it not?

Are people really so arrogant and deluded that they think parents get to decide children's values singlehandedly and nobody elses influence can change it? Confused

Here's an example from a previous post on this thread that shows how it works:

I had a few (boring) chores to do in town one day and my DDs had to come with me. There was something that DD1 was desperate for and in the spirit of bribery I promised to buy it for her if she was patient while we did our chores. Within 5 minutes she was playing up and I reminded her of our promise to be patient or no toy to which she replied "I don't care, I'll just ask Nanny. She'll buy it for me anyway"

Socknickingpixie · 07/08/2012 17:33

op nothing wrong with not wanting your dc's to view a gp as a presant giving machine or a cash cow.i think people who do have a problem with it are not getting that your not talking about inexpensive gifts combined with time and love your talking about cash and gifts instead of time and it appears the only way to show love.

Triffiddealer · 07/08/2012 17:50

Well done OP for tackling it and getting a result. My Mum used to do loads of activities with my kids when she was alive (never shopping) and they had a very close relationship because of that.

Someone earlier on mentioned swimming. I bloody hate taking kids swimming (getting them changed and getting yourself dry, wet clothes etc.) but kids love it. Definitely get your Mum to do that.

CockyPants · 07/08/2012 18:45

Good on you OP!
'your conversation with her sounds nasty' ll31. What a load of nonsense. If you can't speak frankly with your own mother then to whom can you??
OP Hopefully your mum will put the focus on fun and cuddles in her relationship with GC and move away from the plastic shitola part!