To NOT want my mum to buy dd toys! And to want my rules respected?

[EnterWittyNicknameHere]

I'm so annoyed. My mum took dd out for the day yesterday. When she came to collect her, i specifically asked her not to buy dd anything today (she normally gets her a little toy or a magazine) as i'd felt she'd had enough treats so far this week (i'd taken her to pizza hut the day before, and the cinema the day before that). My mum throws money around constantly and my youngest brother has ended up a spoilt brat because of it - and i don't want my own child ending up that way.

Anyway, my dad dropped dd off yesterday at dinnertime, and she was in tears. She told me it's because granny had bought her a mini dollshouse thing (a brand name one so approx £10-£20) and she wasn't allowed to bring it home, it had to stay in granny's house. Now, obviously the reason she's not allowed to bring it home is because my mum knew i'd be angry she bought her something. She probably didn't think that dd would tell me about the toy. IMO toys like this are for birthdays and Christmases, not a casual weekend thing.

Another reason i'm angry about this is that i've started buying in Christmas presents for dd in the sales. So what would have happened if i'd picked this dollhouse up and was keeping it by til December, then my mum just gave her the same one yesterday willy nilly?

The other thing i'm angry about yesterday is this - i live on a main road. And when my dad dropped her off yesterday, he told me i'd have to have a word with dd about running along main roads. I told him that i don't let her do such a thing, and i'll definitely have a word with her. He then said 'yes you do, i've seen it happen whenever i drop you both off. You let her run ahead to the main door' (We live in a flat). Basically, what he's refering to is letting dd run approx 10feet ahead of me and going up the path to the main door, while i'm getting bags etc out the boot. He feels i should have her hold my hand from the second we get out the car, even when he parks right at the gate!

He got huffy with me when i refused to do this, and when i told him i'd not tell her off for it. It's not as if i let her run riot at main roads, but when we're 10 feet away from the gate, then i let her run ahead.

AAAARRRRRGH! Am i being unreasonable to feel this way, or being silly? It's getting to the stage where i'm thinking of pretending dd's sick next time they ask to have her as i don't trust them not to buy her anything else etc.

GhostShip
Xayide - yes of course that would reduce visits. And? That doesn't mean thinking about stopping visits because the grandparenx are too giving is right.

It not the buying of stuff is it - it is the undermining of the parent.

It doesn't sound like generosity it sounds like having control.

The first post by the OP don't really make it clear its part of a whole set of behaviors that she feels undermine her. It sound like she tried talking to them about how it make her feel and its had limited effect. If OP can have fewer situations where she has to deal with the undermining - chances are she will be less wound up by the whole thing - well that was my experience and cope better with it.

So like I said, you think the OP should deny her child the right to see her grandparents on the basis of her having a problem with them.

The child isn't being harmed, there's nothing untoward going on.

It's pretty obvious that a person will see more of a child if they get along well with the parents.

Hardly outrage of the century to spend less time with people who piss you off.

I would be delighted if my Mum bought her grandchildren toys, or in fact anything!
Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren are't they?

I feel my girls are missing out on being spoilt by their Grandmother, they rarely see her and she doesn't even get them anything decent for their birthday or christmas, really pisses me off in fact.

Bit outrageous to limit time with someone thats nice to their GC though.

GPs are not actually pissing their GDD off, just her Mother.

Not really that outrageous not to bother bending yourself out of shape to facilitate a relatonship between your child and someone who treats you like shit.

My parents and MILs have great relationships with my kids because they get on with me and DH.

If we didn't like them, we wouldn't make the same effort to see them. Why would we?

There are enough nice people in the world to spend time with.

So you would stop your DC from seeing their GPs if you didn't like them?

There's spoiling and spoiling. The OP's mother is going totally overboard and also using presents to undermine and control her relationship with her own daughter.

And just because some grandparents don't give their grandparents any toys at all does NOT make it ok for other grandparents to buy entire bloody toyshops for their dgcs against the wishes of the parents. Your own problems do not invalidate the rights of others to complain about their own situation! Someone else will be along shortly to say that their dgc are being brought up by wolves in northern siberia and only get fed rotten elk every three days, so get on with you and your first world problems.

sorry, I meant - some grandparents don't give their grandchildren* any toys at all

Usualsuspect - yes, I would stop my DS from seeing GPs on either side if they were treating me badly. I don't think a relationship with a GP is always automatically a good thing, just as I don't think a relationship with a parent is always a good thing. It normally is, but not always. And it sometimes helps for there to be a little break.

It's less that I would stop them than that I wouldn't bother my hole making it happen.

Why should I?

"I think it's really sad that she felt she couldn't allow the little girl to bring her present home - that speaks volumes about your attitude to her"

Shit pressed send too soon...

Anyway

"I think it's really sad that she felt she couldn't allow the little girl to bring her present home - that speaks volumes about your attitude to her"

No - it speaks volumes about the GM's attitude to the OP, actually.

YANBU at all. You want your DD to learn that things have value and not expect to get lots of random presents for no reason. Totally fair enough, you are not being mean in the slightest. And even if your parents disagree, as has been said, your rules not theirs.

Lets just hope all your DCs future partners like you then.

What if it was your partners parents in question? Would they not get a say?

I was thinking that usual

I haven't read the whole thread but OP I just want to say I think YANBU at all. I totally agree with you. My in-laws are very wealthy and have a tendency to spend like crazy. They have another GD ten years older than my eldest and she is utterly and thoroughly spoiled with absolutely no sense of value. I won't bore with details but she basically gets anything and everything she wants. It's clear she now sees the GPs as a bank and constantly wants to shop. I will not allow this to happen with my DCs. The GPs can show their love in other ways and of course occasional treats are fine. They are not the parents and should respect your choices.

Well I felt a little bit cross on your behalf, esp when reading some of the posts that say it is you being mean. Depends on a lot of things: did your DD ask for the dolls house and get it or was it just a spontaneous selection not during the trip out, by your DM? The first message is not the most healthy one to be giving if it flies in the face of you trying to encourage self control and curbing of I-want-means-I-get. Secondly, it was your DD who ended up upset and crying because of the confusion over 'secrecy' and who's in the right, and who had to deal with that fallout sensitively? Granny? Granddad? Not fair on either you or DD.

..Ok, here are my thoughts.

Speak to Granny about it, and say that while you are incredibly appreciative of her looking after your DD and she loves it etc, there are lots of elephant traps when it comes to her having large/expensive toys (and tell her some - eg scotching birthday/xmas ideas, mixed messages and you becoming the bad cop in everyone's eyes). Fine to have little things like stickers, magazines etc.

Suggest that what would be lovely if GPs want to treat your DD is to go for special trips out instead, such as: a train ride; swimming; minigolf; a national trust-y place with lots of kids' games on hand; a fun museum? Look up a lot of these if your and their idea of child-friendly is likely to differ. Obviously not necessary each and every time. For pricier places like farm parks or whatever, maybe suggest you go halves. For me, this would be a really valuable thing as I don't have a car at my disposal so anything that's a bit off the usual timetable takes masses of planning and has to run in a v regimented way.

Then see if you can have one special thing at Grandma's house, such as a wendy house, tent, sandpit, swingball, something that will have a lot of play value in it. Also encourage the GPs to put together a dressing up box and an arts and crafts box with bits and pieces. Yes, they can buy odd bits but the point would be that these are put together from things they should already have, and NOT to be based around acquisition of Stuff. Hope this helps.

OP I haven't read the whole thread but totally agree with Jaffa/Divinyl - surely the most precious thing your children can have is time with the Grandparents not toys/material things in abundance let alone the fact they haven't listened to you and gone against your wishes.
Agree Gps there to spoil their grandchildren but if presents are constantly given, how is anything going to be 'special' or appreciated for occasions like Xmas and birthdays?
If you OP feel that this is important (and I totally agree with you that it's important), your mum should respect it and I don't think others on here should be judging you for it

yanbu. im not really sure why but reading the thread just gives me a vibe it may be wrong (i often am) but i just get a vibe.

lots of people like to use money to control or give the appearance of doing so,they may also use it to big themselves up or to make other people look bad.

i had a convo with a gp a few weeks ago about how she HAS to buy her gc's uniforms and all her clothes because (this wasnt actually said but every word dripped with it) mum wont apparently she mismanages her money now i know mum shes not well off but her kids are dressed decently by that i mean well fitting clean stuff its just not expensive,gp favers boden and vertabsomethingorother mums on a very low income and has several kids and when gc arrives at gp's house shes stripped out of her 'not good enough stuff' and given the other stuff to wear gc is then sent back home with lots of stuff so 1 child is running around in expensive stuff whilst the others have tesco/asda ect. from what the gp's have said to me its done compleatly to undermine what mum can afford.gm is very fond of belittling mum to anybody who is willing to listen and often implys mum is a bad mum so she has to do these things.even down to the food choices saying that dc dosnt get fed enough at home when its untrue dc is only little and seams to have picked up that this is the done thing at gp's house.obviously as you can afford these things its slightly different but all the same its undermining.

one of my kids used to have a well if you wont get it i will go to gp attitude it fucked me right off and took many years befor i was able to get my mum to understand why it wasnt ok,and why if i said no it was for a good reason incidently this was my oldest child and first gc and despite my mum having people telling her i was perfectly capable ect my mum deep down couldnt get her head around me not being 12 anymore.when my eldest first left home to go out into the big wide world she was working full time and i was helping with bills ect not totally but enough to make sure she didnt fall down at the first hurdle i used to go over all her bills with her so she understood what i was paying for what she had to pay for and how to budget well i then find out that she was regularly telling them she was skint and getting them to send her a few hundred quid her and there and was horridly ashamed when my very skint brother told me that he had sold a gold watch he treasured to give her money as she was skint (news to me all her bills were paid her kitchen full of food) she just wanted to go away for a trip after allready tapping everybody else hence why she went to him.

money thats given regularly rarely gets given without some aspect of control now im not talking the odd tenner but large sums or insisting on always doing it tends to be a 'ohhh look what i got you thing' and i dont think thats ever decent or kind its more about the giver than it is about a gift.nothing wrong with a fairly normal ammout of gp spoiling but if its constant then its an issue.

fwiw the cinema is a treat so is pizza hut.

and whilst im on the subject when did it become normal to have hoids of toys at gp's houses? what happened to enjoying a visit and interacting with gp's perhaps having a few well loved toys but the visit was about the visit not what there was to play with

im not against toys at gp's just huge ammounts of them. my granny had a special cupboard with a few toys in and a weird cow thing with a basket with plastic soldiers and parachutes in, we would play cards togather and after we had spent a decent amount of time actually interacting with her we would play with the toys the same toys that my own children have also played with at hers well apart from the weird cow thing not sure what happened to that sheepishly glances over at the strange cow thing thats stashed at mine